Pope Francis Gets Self Thrown Into Hell As Part Of Plot To Take Down High-Level Demon Ring. THIRD CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that going deep undercover within the adversary’s organization was the only way to destroy the nefarious horde of fiends, Pope Francis reportedly had himself thrown into Hell Wednesday as part of a coordinated attempt to take down a high-level demon ring.
“Sometimes the only way out is through,” said the pontiff shortly before stabbing a sodomite with a concealed blade that he had smuggled in from Limbo in an effort to be placed into an even deeper circle and gain the respect and confidence of high-ranking demon bosses. “It took a minute for them to trust me, especially with my background. I know the street-level guys, the flashy ones, everyone does. Still, all the rank-and-file imps were pretty tight-lipped about which hellspawn were actually running the operation.
Conservative Evangelical Asks God To Give Her Strength To Incorporate Forced Hysterectomies Into Belief System. CORDOVA, TN—Praying that the Lord Almighty would help her understand the recent whistleblower reports about Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s treatment of migrant detainees, conservative evangelical woman Melissa Carson reportedly asked God Tuesday to give her strength to incorporate forced hysterectomies into her belief system.
“Lord, show me how the forced removal of the uterus from multiple imprisoned women is evidence of our salvation by grace alone,” said the devout evangelical woman, scanning her Bible for a verse or two that might offer a reason for why ICE-affiliated physicians were performing hysterectomies on detained women, many of whom did not speak English and were not given information or choice about the procedures.
Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day. VATICAN CITY—Revealing that the practice helped him reach a state of sanctifying grace, Pope Francis confirmed Friday that he maintains a divine buzz by microdosing the Holy Eucharist throughout the day.
“I’ve started to feel way more connected to the Heavenly Father ever since I started consuming a few crumbs of communion wafer every few hours,” said the pontiff, explaining how taking a 10-microgram dose of diluted liquid Holy Supper on regular intervals has made it much easier to compose epistles, lead his flock, and serve as a witness to his faith. “I figured I’d try it out after hearing how a bunch of high-powered, successful clergy members did it, and it’s been great. Ingesting small amounts of consecrated substances have worked wonders for my piousness. God Sends Sympathy Card After Killing Man’s Wife. God Struggling To Feign Happiness After Jesus Announces He Marrying Exotic Dancer From Place Off I-95.
THE HEAVENS—Straining to react to the surprising engagement announcement with a measure of enthusiasm, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to feign happiness Monday after Jesus Christ informed Him that He would be marrying an exotic dancer from a place off I-95.
“I should have paid more attention when He kept making earthly appearances at some place off the Jersey turnpike called Centerfolds, but I never expected He’d suddenly be telling me He proposed to some stripper He barely knows,” said Our Lord, stressing that while He held nothing against the 22-year-old beauty school graduate and had always encouraged His son to reach out to those at the margins of society, there was “no way in hell” that He would be allowing Christ to get married to someone named Cinnamon. “All I could do was keep smiling and nodding while He went on about how artistic she was and how He already felt like a father to her two kids. God Recalls Time He Pulled Wings Off Angel As Child. Christ Calls Off Plans For Return After Realizing It’s Been So Long It’ll Be Weird Now. His Holiness Has Repeatedly Stated This Is Not A Cult. DEATH VALLEY, CA—Commanding that the heinous term shall not be uttered in the halls of their sacred temple, the cloistered enclave of truest of the true believers declared Wednesday that Father-Brother, His Holiness, Master of All The Spheres and Stars, has repeatedly stated that this is not a cult.
“For the ninth and final time, this is not a cult but a programmatic intramental polysymbolic thought-system for enhancing mental paravirility and omnispiritual psychowellness as clearly stated in Protocol 117,” said Elder Healer Sister-Brother Camilla 82 Eridani, adding that this is the exact sort of transgram-sodden thought violation from which all must refrain, as that is the type of word used by those that seek to sow division amongst us. Vatican Forced To Revoke Dozens Of Sainthoods After Discovering Miracles Performed With Eldritch Magic. VATICAN CITY—After uncovering compromising historical records in the Holy See’s archive, the Vatican announced Monday that they would disavow dozens of saints who had performed their miracles using eldritch magic derived from sources of sheer madness and chaos.
“Effective immediately upon learning that many of these miracles were performed using sorcery of the darkest and most horrific variety, we have decided to strip these individuals of their sainthood,” said Pope Francis, noting that he had been “shaken to his core” by revelations that St. Bartholomew had been spotted consorting with an 11-feet-tall being of writhing tendrils and dimly lit eyes before following the abomination into a churning tunnel coated in countless rows of human teeth.
God Orders All Followers To Swallow Cyanide Capsules In Preparation For Voyage To Alpha Centauri. Did Jesus Poop? Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic. God Purges Millions Of Souls From Heaven Now That Sexual Assault Being Taken More Seriously. THE HEAVENS—Attempting to do His part in holding abusers accountable amid the rise of the #MeToo movement, God, our heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He would supervise the purging of millions of souls from Heaven now that sexual assault was being taken far more seriously.
“I had definitely heard many rumors, but until recently, I did not believe it was my place to get involved. Now, with everyone being more vocal about sexual misconduct, I feel that to simply do nothing would make Me complicit,” said the omnipotent and omniscient Creator in His first-ever public statement on the subject, explaining that He had met with Saint Peter to begin the process of combing through the Book of Souls and removing the names of those who had been found guilty of sexual assault or harassment at any point during their time on Earth or in Heaven. “I’ll admit it has taken Me a very, very long time to realize how serious an issue this is. Catholic Church Brings In New Perspective On Solving Abuse Scandal With Appointment Of Toddler Bishop. Pope Francis Working Out At Vatican Gym Wearing ‘Sex Abuse Summit 2019’ T-Shirt.
Pope Francis: ‘Jesus—I Get Molesting Kids, But Nuns Too?’ Pope Calls Internet ‘Gift From God’ Toymaker Mattel announced that it has teamed up with Sony Studios to produce a live-action Barbie movie, a comedy that will reportedly follow the character ...
With the growth of the $2 billion e-cigarette industry that currently has little to no federal oversight, the FDA has voted to impose new regulations ... An analysis by the New York Times revealed that the United States no longer has the richest middle class in the world and is now ... Pope Francis Says Atheists Who Do Good Are Redeemed, Not Just Catholics. Pope Francis rocked some religious and atheist minds today when he declared that everyone was redeemed through Jesus, including atheists.
During his homily at Wednesday Mass in Rome, Francis emphasized the importance of "doing good" as a principle that unites all humanity, and a "culture of encounter" to support peace. Using scripture from the Gospel of Mark, Francis explained how upset Jesus' disciples were that someone outside their group was doing good, according to a report from Vatican Radio. “They complain,” the Pope said in his homily, because they say, “If he is not one of us, he cannot do good. Pope Francis On Gays: Who Am I To Judge Them? Pope Francis: Pedophile Priests Must Turn Themselves In or Go to Hell. Ecstatic Pope Francis Finally Lands Role As Mary In St. Peter’s Christmas Pageant. Thousands Of Drunk Revelers Dressed As Jesus Descend On Vatican For Annual ChristCon Pub Crawl. VATICAN CITY—Packing the cobblestone streets and clad in prosthetic beards, sandals, and crowns of thorns, thousands of drunken revelers poured into the Vatican this week to take part in the city-state’s annual ChristCon Pub Crawl.
“Every December, it seems like there are more of these jackasses at bars, taking selfies in St. Peter’s Basilica, and tying up traffic while decked out as some version of Our Lord and Savior,” said Cardinal Angelo Sodano, noting that ChristCon’s all-day route, which begins at the Immaculate Conception Pub and winds through 18 of Vatican City’s bars before terminating at O’Malley’s Tipsy Eucharist, always leaves the streets riddled with loud, vomit-stained Jesuses clutching cheap chalices and soiling their robes as they pass out in the city’s sacristies. “Last year, a particularly loud group of Portuguese Sons of God tried to crucify themselves on my lawn. Christ Super Embarrassed About All That Stupid Shit He Said 2,000 Years Ago. THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He almost couldn’t bear to look at those old speeches from his Nazareth days, the Lord Jesus Christ told reporters Monday that He was super embarrassed about all that stupid shit He said 2,000 years ago. “Man, I was into some really weird religious mumbo-jumbo back then; all those long-winded, preachy parables I told my apostles are just so not me,” said Christ of the multiple sermons He gave, many of which He now views as pretentious and overwrought, adding that He was only 30 years old and still learning how to be the messiah.
“Honestly, if I had known that people were going to write down everything I said and turn it into the New Testament, I probably would have been more careful with my words. I deeply regret uttering any of that ‘love thy neighbor’ shit. I hated the inconsiderate assholes who lived next door. God Confirms Whitey Bulger Sent To Hell For Snitching. HEAVEN—Saying that the former organized crime boss was going where he belonged for his unforgivable sin after his death Tuesday in a West Virginia prison, the Lord Our God, Our Heavenly Father, confirmed that Whitey Bulger had been sent to Hell for snitching.
“Look, I am a compassionate God, a merciful God, but there are some evils for which one can never be divinely pardoned, which is why Whitey Bulger today burns in Hell for the mortal sin of snitching,” said the Supreme Being and Creator Of All Things, adding that He hoped Bulger’s eternal damnation would prove a cautionary tale to any other “double-crossing fucking rat” who might be considering turning over information on other members of organized crime to law enforcement.
“Many earthly failings are forgivable—idolatry, greed, lust, racketeering, money laundering, extortion. Heck, even murder is understandable in the right circumstances, but what Bulger did, that’s just unconscionable. ‘Take This Grape For It Is The Witch’s Eye, Take This Spaghetti For It Is The Witch’s Brain,’ Says Pope Francis During Halloween-Themed Communion. VATICAN CITY—Standing before his costumed congregants in St.
Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis declared, “Take this grape for it is the witch’s eye, take this spaghetti for it is the witch’s brain,” during a Halloween-themed Communion Wednesday, Vatican sources confirmed. Holy See officials told reporters that the Bishop of Rome delivered his sermon bedecked in black-and-orange vestments as parishioners stood in line to be blindfolded and place their right hands in bowls of peeled grapes and cooked noodles during the Vatican’s traditional Monster Mass. Sunday School Teacher Can Already Tell Which Ones Going To Hell. Pope Starting To Suspect Bishops Getting Huge Erections During Meeting On Child Sexual Abuse Might Be Pedophiles.
God Knocked Unconscious By DirectTV Satellite. Pope Tweets Picture Of Self With God. Theonion. Theonion. CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding further light on a long history of attempts to protect itself from accusations of criminal activity, biblical scholars at Harvard Divinity School reported Wednesday they have found evidence that the early Catholic church covered up for three wise men who molested baby Jesus. “After deciphering fragments of a previously unknown gospel, we now have textual documentation that clearly delineates abuse by three magi who arrived in Bethlehem and inappropriately touched the newborn Christ Child as He lay in the manger,” said Professor Raymond White, recounting the extensive efforts made by the church to scrub the story from early versions of the Bible and to discredit Jesus’ account of the event in His later sermons.
Theonion. Theonion. Theonion. Theonion. Theonion. Theonion. Theonion. Cremated Remains of the 'Buddha' Discovered in Chinese Village. The cremated remains of what an inscription says is the Buddha, also called Siddhārtha Gautama, have been discovered in a box in Jingchuan County, China, along with more than 260 Buddhist statues. The translated inscription on the box reads: "The monks Yunjiang and Zhiming of the Lotus School, who belonged to the Mañjuśrī Temple of the Longxing Monastery in Jingzhou Prefecture, gathered more than 2,000 pieces of śarīra [cremated remains of the Buddha], as well as the Buddha's teeth and bones, and buried them in the Mañjuśrī Hall of this temple," on June 22, 1013. At the site where the statues and Buddha remains were buried, archaeologists also found the remains of a structure that could be from the Mañjuśrī Hall.
[See Photos of the Buddhist Statues and Cremated Remains of Buddha] Yunjiang and Zhiming spent more than 20 years gathering the remains of the Buddha, who is also sometimes referred to as Gautama Buddha, the inscription notes. Theonion. God Recalls Collaborating On Joint Vision Of Humanity With Deceased Creative Partner. THE HEAVENS—Saying He never could have completed such an ambitious project all on His own, God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, recalled Tuesday how He collaborated with fellow divinity Kryzok, Lord of Zogsoth, to create humans. “Kryzok was the one who could see the big picture and knew how to pull everything together into a cohesive organism—I was just the guy tinkering around in a big pile of flesh and bones trying to figure out how we could make arms and legs and nervous systems work,” God said of His late creative collaborator, who passed away in 3759 B.C., reportedly still despondent over mankind’s Fall and subsequent banishment from the Garden of Eden.
“But we shared the same vision of what we wanted to accomplish with human beings, even if we came at it from different angles. My first prototype had like five heads and wasn’t even bipedal, but Kryzok brilliantly streamlined everything and shaped it into the product everyone knows and loves today.” God Falling Under Influence Of Powerful Spiritual Guru. The Vatican’s Swiss Guards Break Up a Drug-Fueled Gay Orgy in Pope Francis’ Backyard. Cardinal takes leave from Vatican after sex assault charges. Pope Francis Buys Knockoff Chalice At Store In Vatican City Chinatown. God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S. Christ Appears In Roman Court To Contest 2,000-Year-Old Riot Charges. Pope Francis Scouring Papal Tombs For Final Easter Egg Of Vatican Hunt. New Evidence Reveals Christ Lounged In Tomb For Extra Hour Before Finally Rising From Grave.
JERUSALEM—Saying they now understood the earliest moments of the Resurrection in greater detail than ever before, archaeologists from Cambridge University announced compelling new evidence Tuesday revealing that Jesus Christ lounged for an extra hour in his tomb before finally rising from the dead. Pope Francis Spotted Sunbathing Nude In St. Peter’s Square. God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice. Pope Francis Sneaks Leftovers To False God Moloch At Back Door Of St. Peter’s Basilica. God Announces Plans To Shift Majority Of Resources Tied Up In Humanity Project To Birds, Rocks.
Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner. Onion Studios. Huffingtonpost. Explosive intervention by Pope Francis set to transform climate change debate. Pope Francis Recalls Starting Out At Some Real Shithole Churches. Pope Francis fires head of the Swiss Guard: ‘I give the orders around here’ Pope Excommunicates Italian Mobsters. Pope Francis tells couples not to substitute dogs, cats for children. Pope Francis Pursues Sinner Across Vatican City Rooftops. Gay Couple Weirded Out By Pope Francis Standing In Back Of Wedding Ceremony.
Here’s The One True Way To Heaven. Resigning Pope No Longer Has Strength To Lead Church Backward. Pope Benedict Stops By Prayer Writers' Room To Say Goodbye. Being Pope Was Great, But You Can’t Play Make-Believe Forever. Pope Insanity MXLV Selected. I Am Old And Confused And Paralyzed With Sexual Frustration. Bold New Pope Shows Crowd In Saint Peter's Square How To Apply Condom.