Adventures in Depression
Some people have a legitimate reason to feel depressed, but not me. I just woke up one day feeling sad and helpless for absolutely no reason. It's disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it - you can listen to sad music and imagine yourself as the protagonist in a dramatic movie. You can gaze out the window while you're crying and think "This is so sad. I can't even believe how sad this whole situation is. But my sadness didn't have a purpose. Essentially, I was being robbed of my right to feel self pity, which is the only redeeming part of sadness. And for a little bit, that was a good enough reason to pity myself. Standing around feeling sorry for myself was momentarily exhilarating, but I grew tired of it quickly. I tried to force myself to not be sad. When I couldn't will myself to not be sad, I became frustrated and angry. Which made me more sad. Which then made me more frustrated and abusive. I felt invincible.