Letting Go of the Argument in your Head. We all know that feeling.
Someone said something, (maybe it was you), which was followed by an unpleasant outcome. Maybe an awkward silence, a ridiculing laughter, a disparaging comment. Or maybe the outcome was simply not at all what you had hoped for. Then its over. But is it? That night the image of the moment comes roaring back in your mind. Now your whole body is engulfed in the virtual reality of the movie in your mind. Heck no! We’ve all done this. They might. But then the thoughts come back (usually just as you are trying to go to sleep).
Thinking Habits Thinking habits can be particularly insidious and tough to work with skillfully. Your mind is time traveling to some past or future scenario, which makes it feel miserable. Try it right now. What happened? Are you an Over-Offerer? 3 Steps to Better Boundaries. Why does this keep happening!?
You knew you didn’t want to go to that event… help out with that thing… didn’t have time to get across town for that meeting! But you said you would go…do it… be there anyway. Why do we say ‘Yes’ when we really need to say ‘No’? More importantly, how can we stop doing it without pissing people off or seeming selfish? The Difficulty of Setting Limits I’ve always admired people who can gracefully set limits with others. Imagine you are sitting across from me, and I need a pen that sits on the table between us. Saying ‘no’ is difficult because saying ‘yes’ is rewarded (e.g. a smile, a ‘thank you”), but saying ‘no’ is punished (e.g. a frown, a “oh really?
Healthy Boundaries: Balancing the comfort of both parties over time You may think, “I don’t want to make waves.” Being effective means getting your needs met, while maintaining the relationship with the other person. How to decide if you are Over-Offering The Skill of Effective Assertiveness The VAR Skill Step I. VALIDATION: The Relational Skill that Softens Defenses.
Ever found yourself caught in a difficult dialogue with someone (maybe even with yourself), where emotions were escalating, and reasoning not helping?
It can feel like a futile battle as you try everything to stomp out the flickering flames of emotion before a brush fire takes hold! You try to focus on the positive, examine the pros and cons, problem solve for solutions, justify and rationalize, explain, compare, ANYTHING to get the emotions to CALM DOWN! So, does it work? The unsatisfying answer is .. sometimes. The question is, why doesn’t it work all the time? Because, when emotions get intense, or are linked to old passengers from past experience, the skill needed to defuse that trigger is radically counter intuitive. Your ETA to Happiness: What You Need to Know. We all want to be happy….
Or at least have more happiness than sadness, anxiety, or anger in our lives. But here’s the deal. There’s a system of interrelated parts, a hard-wiring in all humans, which can derail our happiness. A simple understanding of this system can get you moving in the right direction! Every week I get calls from people eager to figure out how to get out of the quicksand of difficult emotions and get unstuck. Your Unique Mind-Body Vehicle Your mind-body is your vehicle A good way to think about the complex interaction between your happiness and your life is to think of your mind-body as a vehicle, in which you drive the roads of life. There are, of course, lots of different kinds of vehicles, in different sizes, colors, makes, and models. Each of us is a unique type of vehicle, which is comprised of all kinds of different strengths and vulnerabilities. The ETA System: How We are All the Same Just the same, each of us is unique in our social and biological make up.
A Holocaust Survivor’s Story of Resilience and Skillfulness. The tension had been brewing to a boiling point the day the Nazis came to collect young Elizabeth and her older sister.
Dressed and packed with their best things, the trip began almost as an adventurous escape from the abusive constraints of their dictatorial father. Little did Elizabeth know, this was the beginning of the long road of resilience. Today, at 90 years old, Tati, as her loved ones call her, has survived three dictators: her father, Hitler, and Fidel Castro. She is an icon of resilience! Why do some of us thrive in the face of stress, and others struggle?
So I asked Tati to talk to me about resilience and her own skillfulness in the face of the many stressors in her life. Resilience is Coping Everyday For Tati, resilience came from coping everyday. The Wisdom: Those who know and love Tati, know she is more like a Castle Person when it comes to coping with stress. Resilience is Being Courageous Tati watched the mistakes of her sister and learned to be courageous. The Wisdom.