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Unregistered Horses Meet Under Cover Of Darkness For Kentucky Street Derby. ‘Yes, But How Did He Die?’ Ghoulish American Public Asks Of Recent Celebrity Death While Rubbing Delicate, Bony Hands Together And Smiling Thinly. Eric Trump Scolds Father That He Mustn’t Inquire About The Businesses, For He’s Sworn Not To Tell. White House Staff Reminded To Place Lids Firmly On Trash Cans After Steve Bannon Gets Into Garbage Again. WASHINGTON—Following a series of incidents that left food and used paper products scattered throughout the West Wing, White House staff were reminded Friday to place lids firmly on all trash cans after President Trump’s senior advisor, Steve Bannon, got into the garbage again.

White House Staff Reminded To Place Lids Firmly On Trash Cans After Steve Bannon Gets Into Garbage Again

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now. Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House. White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt. WASHINGTON—After serving 12 years in the position, Motley, the official White House Jester, was beheaded Tuesday after delivering a poorly received jape about the spiraling national debt before President and Mrs.

White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt

Obama. Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response. Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed. WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama held a nationally televised address Tuesday to "clarify any misunderstandings" about his health care proposal, assuring Americans that under the new bill senior citizens—and not the federal government—will have the right to choose how they are executed.

Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed

The president vows to systematically eliminate all American seniors in a manner of their choosing by 2011. "Let me dispel these ridiculous rumors once and for all and set the record straight: Under my plan, seniors are going to be killed the way they want to be killed, end of story," said the president, who acknowledged that "wiping out" the nation's elderly population has always been his No. 1 priority. "If your grandmother would rather be euthanized in the privacy of her own home than be gutted and hanged on a high school soccer field, she is entitled to that right. " "Once again, let me be perfectly clear," Obama continued.

The Republican reaction was even more sternly worded. Obama Narrowly Survives Carnivorous Section Of Rose Garden. CIA Awkwardly Debriefs Obama On Creation Of Crack Cocaine. International Con Man Barack Obama Leaves U.S. With $85 Million In Campaign Fundraising. CHICAGO—In a devastating blow to millions of unsuspecting Americans, newly elected president and international con man Barack Obama fled the country Wednesday with nearly $85 million in campaign funds.

International Con Man Barack Obama Leaves U.S. With $85 Million In Campaign Fundraising

According to FBI investigators, Obama's sudden disappearance was discovered at 6:15 p.m. when the former Illinois senator failed to arrive at a gala event in Lincoln Square, prompting several aides to rush back to his campaign headquarters. At 6:23 p.m., flight logs at O'Hare International Airport confirmed that two passengers, a male carrying two silver briefcases and dressed in a perfectly tailored Brioni tuxedo, and an African-American female wearing a fur coat and speaking in a thick Russian accent, were seen boarding a private plane. Click to read the note left behind by Obama, in which he claims the American public "never stood a chance. " The only item found inside the metal safe was a letter, handwritten with a fountain pen and titled "An Explanation, My Dears. " Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve. Visiting Chinese PM Presents Obama With 'The Expendables' On DVD.

Obama Visits South-Carolina-Ravaged South Carolina. GOP Supports Obama For 2012: 'We Need More Time To Completely Ruin His Life' New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable. WASHINGTON—Calling a GOP victory in the 2012 presidential election antithetical to the party platform, top Republicans revealed a new long-term political strategy Tuesday: reelecting Barack Obama and making his life even more of a living hell than it already is.

New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable

"For three years, the Republican Party has coalesced around the single goal of making President Obama's every waking moment sheer and utter torture," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters. "But we can't continue to do that if he's not in office. " "If we are going to make the president a haggard shell of a human being by the time he leaves the White House, we need four more years of never compromising, four more years of miring every piece of legislation in unnecessary procedural muck, four more years of pretending we want to work with the president and then walking away from the table at the last second," McConnell added.

Obama Finishes Deal To Get Every American A Free Parrot. Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act. WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals.

Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act

"It was just awful—they smashed through our living room window, one of them said 'I've had my eye on you, Roger,' and then they dragged my husband off kicking and screaming," said Cleveland-area homemaker Rita Ellington, one of the latest victims whose defenseless marriage was overrun by the hordes of battle-ready gays that had been clambering at the gates of matrimony since the DOMA went into effect in 1996. "Oh dear God, why did they remove the protection provided by this vital piece of legislation? Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth. WASHINGTON—In a strong rebuke of President Obama and his domestic agenda, all 242 House Republicans voted Wednesday to repeal the Asteroid Destruction and American Preservation Act, which was signed into law last year to destroy the immense asteroid currently hurtling toward Earth.

Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth

The $440 billion legislation, which would send a dozen high-thrust plasma impactor probes to shatter the massive asteroid before it strikes the planet, would affect more than 300 million Americans and is strongly opposed by the GOP. "The voters sent us to Washington to stand up for individual liberty, not big government," Rep. Steve King (R-IA) said at a press conference. "Obama's plan would take away citizens' fundamental freedoms, forcing each of us into hastily built concrete bunkers and empowering the federal government to ration our access to food, water, and potassium iodide tablets while underground. " "This law is a job killer," said Rep. Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan. The Onion - America's Finest News Source. ‘There Is Beauty In Decay,’ Says Head Of Federal Highway Administration While Surveying Nation’s Crumbling Roads.

CHICAGO—Inspecting a lengthy fissure cutting across two lanes of U.S.

‘There Is Beauty In Decay,’ Says Head Of Federal Highway Administration While Surveying Nation’s Crumbling Roads

Route 34, Federal Highway Administration head Gregory G. Nadeau told reporters Wednesday that while the nation’s infrastructure is in desperate need of repair, there was “a certain kind of beauty in decay.” “Yes, it’s easy to lament the wretched state of our country’s crumbling roads, but let us not forget that it also allows us to appreciate the cycle of life as nature takes its course, for it reminds us that time—not man—is truly in control,” said Nadeau, further musing that when seen in a different light, the pockmarked asphalt, rusted metal, and dilapidated concrete were almost picturesque in their unchecked deterioration, a poignant reminder of the fragility of even the grandest municipal visions. Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office. WASHINGTON—Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell was sworn in today as the 45th president of the United States, reciting the oath of office in a brief ceremony at the White House and expressing her continued disbelief that the president, vice president, House speaker, president pro tempore of the Senate, Secretary of State, Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of Defense, and attorney general were all in that hot-air balloon together.

Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office

Speaking to citizens in a short inaugural address, Jewell, a 57-year-old Seattle businesswoman who was confirmed as Interior Secretary less than three weeks ago, acknowledged the challenges ahead for the nation and noted how “really quite strange” it was that Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John Boehner, Patrick Leahy, John Kerry, Jacob Lew, Chuck Hagel, and Eric Holder mutually agreed to take the day off and rent a hot-air balloon for the afternoon. “I mean, how many hot-air balloon crashes are there a year?” Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior. WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, confused White House staffers arrived at their desks Wednesday to find a meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior Department assessing dry humping as a suitable sex alternative for teenagers.

Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior

The uncomfortably in-depth 900-page document, which outlines the benefits of clothed genital stimulation versus fully penetrative sex, reportedly baffled administration officials, who confirmed they generally associate the department with its role in managing natural resources and administering programs for Native Americans. Secretary Of Agriculture Attends Diplomatic Meeting With Foreign Cabbage. LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—In the latest stop on his goodwill tour to improve U.S. relations with foreign produce, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack attended a meeting Thursday with a fresh head of Slovenian cabbage.

The high-level meeting, which included a private dinner with the leafy-green Slovene dignitary, involved strategic discussions on a range of bilateral and global issues, including the lack of arable land in Slovenia, the recent overhaul of vegetable-canning regulations, and the rise of the new center-left Positive Slovenia political party. Though no official agreements were reached during the talks, the visit is being heralded by representatives of both nations as a major step forward in the strengthening of diplomatic ties between American and Slovenian vegetables and fruits. "Secretary Vilsack was quite charmed by the Slovenian cabbage during his productive visit," Agriculture Department chief of staff Krysta Harden said.

"Mr. Trump Sits Down Beside Fire With Quill And Ink For Evening Writing Out Tweets. NEW YORK—Retiring to his candlelit study with a hot mug of chamomile tea as he does every night, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly sat down beside a crackling fire Thursday with his quill and ink for a long evening of writing out tweets. “Leave my dinner by the door if you would—I need to be alone with my thoughts now,” Trump called to his butler, as he slowly leaned back in his leather armchair, pressed his outstretched index finger to his chin, and quietly contemplated the composition of a tweet critiquing Hillary Clinton’s economic vision for the country, then carefully dipped the goose-feather quill into the inkwell on his desk and scrawled the missive, before abruptly shaking his head, crumpling up the piece of parchment, and tossing it aside.

“No, no! Phantom Diner Appears Only To Those In Their Drunkest Hour. ROCHESTER, NY—Reported sightings of Rochester's legendary "phantom diner," a mysterious restaurant that purportedly appears only to those in the most inebriated state of their lives, are often met with skepticism and incredulity. But for Leo Kline, 24, who claims he visited the diner this past weekend, the apparitional eatery is all too real. Witnesses to the mysterious eatery recall having seen it somewhere on this block. ‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech. CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.

“Heed my tragic story well, friends, for the fickle hand of destiny could deal you the very same trials and sufferings I have known,” said Christie to his rapt audience, who listened breathlessly as the onetime presidential candidate told of the misfortunes he had brought upon himself by squandering the early promise of his governorship for a shot at the national spotlight. “You see me now in my diminished form, but know that not so long ago, I was called one of the leading lights of this party.

I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment. ‘Bang, Bang,’ Bored White House Sniper Whispers To Self With Random Tourist’s Head In Crosshairs. FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner. ‘I Think We Still Have A Shot,’ Carly Fiorina Assures Closest Inkjet Printer. CONCORD, NH—In an effort to regroup after receiving a disappointing 2 percent of votes in the Iowa caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina reportedly huddled with her closest inkjet printer Tuesday and assured it that the campaign still had a shot of winning the nomination.

New Hampshire Covered In Shadow As Floating Clinton Campaign Headquarters Takes Up Position Over State. JACKSON, NH—Drawing tens of thousands of residents out of their homes and businesses to stare upward into the sky, Hillary Clinton’s colossal, floating campaign headquarters reportedly moved into position over New Hampshire this morning, casting the entire state into darkness.

“I was just driving down Route 302 when I heard this deep, pulsing drone and saw a dark line of shadow moving down the mountainside toward me—I nearly drove off the road,” said local resident Patrick Schoenberg, who, like hundreds of other motorists, pulled off to the side of the highway and looked up at the 9,500-square-mile Hillary for America campaign vessel as it slowly crawled across the horizon and blotted out all daylight. “It finally came to a stop an hour or so ago. Retreating Clinton Campaign Torches Iowa Town To Slow Advance Of Sanders Volunteers. Wikileaks' Embarrassing Revelations. French President Receives New Camel After First Eaten. FDA: Everyone Needs To Induce Vomiting Right Now. Guy Who Died Playing ‘League Of Legends’ In Internet Café Really Starting To Ruin Game For Other Patrons. SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—Admitting he was having difficulty concentrating on destroying his enemy’s nexus as he sat inside PC Zone internet café Monday, League Of Legends: Dominion player JuHo Lee complained that the guy who died at the adjacent computer station was really starting to ruin the game for him.

“I knew this was going to happen when he started losing consciousness and slumped forward on his keyboard, and I probably should’ve gone for help at that point, but I was just about to level up—now I have to sit next to this dead guy all night while I try to take all five capture points,” Lee said as he scooted his chair away from the lifeless gamer, who he estimated had died about three or four hours earlier from deep vein thrombosis during a multiday gaming session. This Racist Propaganda Practically Writes Itself!

Vatican Tour Group Catches Glimpse Of Pale, Emaciated Joseph Ratzinger Scuttling Into Dark Catacombs. VATICAN CITY—Following a guided tour of the excavated ruins beneath St. Nation Satisfied As Selena Gomez Completes Transition Into Sexualized Plaything. WASHINGTON—Viewing the latest entertainment coverage of the 23-year-old singer and actor with great satisfaction, pleased citizens across the U.S. announced Thursday that Selena Gomez had completed her transition into a sexualized plaything just as they had expected. Congress Members Spend Afternoon Drawing Pictures Of Their Dream Capitols. WASHINGTON—Sitting Indian-style on the Senate floor surrounded by Magic Markers, crayons, and construction paper, members of Congress spent the afternoon in a special session Monday drawing pictures of their dream Capitols, sources reported.

Paul Ryan Discovers Half-Finished Escape Tunnel Leading Out Of Speaker’s Office. Chinese Woman Gives Birth to Septuplets, Has One Week To Choose. Ironic Porn Purchase Leads To Unironic Ejaculation. New Nietzschean Diet Lets You Eat Whatever You Fear Most. 'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes. Kids, Your Mother Is Ready To Start Fucking Again.

Pope Francis’ U.S. Itinerary. Pornography-Desensitized Populace Demands New Orifice To Look At. Tearful Anthropologists Discover Dead Ancestor Of Humans 100,000 Years Too Late. Extraordinary Discovery: Paleontologists Have Une... Refugees Grateful For Chance To See Europe While Being Bounced From Country To Country. NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding. Scott Walker Watches Candidates Emerge Shaken From GOP’s Female Experience Simulator. Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs. Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket. Marco Rubio Climbs Over Garden Wall For Forbidden Midnight Meeting With Super PAC. Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Exceeds Two Hand Jobs. Report: Everyone You’ve Ever Had A Crush On Secretly Had A Crush On You, They Still Do, And They’re Waiting For You.

Manifesto Coming Along Fine. Trump Tells Iowa Dairy Farmers He Has Cows 500 Times Bigger Than Theirs. Obama: 'Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness' - The Onion - America's Finest News Source. Disney World Forced To Euthanize Character That Attacked Visitor - The Onion - America's Finest News Source. Town Fails To Rally Around Adult Trapped In Well - The Onion - America's Finest News Source. Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush - The Onion - America's Finest News Source. New Study Too Frightening To Release - The Onion - America's Finest News Source.

Church Cancelled Due To Lack Of God - The Onion - America's Finest News Source. Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report - The Onion - America's Finest News Source. Report: Underpaid Migrant Laborers Working 18 Hours Per Day On FIFA Legal Defense - The Onion - America's Finest News Source. Reading-Is-Fundamentalists Slaughter 52 Illiterates - The Onion - America's Finest News Source. U.S. Dispatches Condolence Drones To Middle East Following Civilian Casualties - The Onion - America's Finest News Source. Obama Still Hasn’t Figured Out How To Adjust Height Of Oval Office Desk Chair - The Onion - America's Finest News Source.

Guide To Building Your Personal Brand - The Onion - America's Finest News Source. I'm Weighing Whether Or Not I Want To Go Through The Hell Of Appealing To You Idiotic, Uninformed Oafs. Cute 8-Year-Old Starting To Realize How Much Better She Is Than Ugly Girls. How Grand Juries Reach A Decision. Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers. Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death. Everyone On Defense Team An Equally Matched Romantic Interest For Member Of Prosecution. Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain.

Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain. DOJ Announces Initiative To Deploy Smartphone-Carrying Bystanders To Nation’s Streets. God Proud Of Cockroaches. FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States. In Sex Sales, What You're Really Selling Is Yourself. Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade.