That great Joe Biden meme that social media won't let Paul Ryan forget. Biden Frantically Cleaning Up Trashed Vice President Residence At Last Second. WASHINGTON—Telling reporters he needed to get his “digs back into primo condition” as quickly as possible, Vice President Joe Biden was seen scrambling around Friday morning in a frantic attempt to clean up Number One Observatory Circle just hours before his successor was scheduled to move into the residence.
Biden, who said he needed to get the place “real fucking clean” because the incoming resident was a “total tightass,” reportedly spent his last remaining moments in the home darting from room to room prying Keystone Light cans and empty bottles of Jose Cuervo from the sticky wooden floors and tossing them into heavy-duty black plastic trash bags. According to sources, the vice president paused frequently to sniff the Colonial- and Federal-style furnishings, spraying an aerosol disinfectant on anything that smelled “iffy.”
Noam Scheiber: Joementum. With the election behind us now, talk has already turned to 2016 and the potential of a Joe Biden candidacy.
Here was what TNR's Noam Scheiber reported back in August. TYPICALLY AT this point on the political calendar, a sitting vice president scrupulously downplays his interest in ascending to the top job. The thought of course consumes him, but actually discussing it strikes him as breathtakingly gauche. Vice presidents as varied as Walter Mondale, George H.W. Biden Searching White House One Last Time For Missing Pet Snake. WASHINGTON—Urging staffers to keep their eyes peeled for a “scaly little fucker without any legs,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly searched the White House one last time Wednesday for his missing 12-year-old pet coral snake, Fruit Loop.
“Look, I just found a discarded skin on a chair in the Roosevelt Room, so I know he’s still slithering around here someplace,” said Biden, who sources confirmed rummaged through the drawers of the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and crawled around on his hands and knees peering underneath furniture for the 3-foot-long snake. “Fruit Loop can’t be far—he usually hauls ass straight for the East Wing whenever he flies the coop. If you hear something weird going on in the pipes, just get me on the horn and I’ll come lickety-split with a pole to snatch him. Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application. WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference. WASHINGTON—Growing suddenly introspective as he flipped open his Whitesnake Zippo lighter in a West Wing hallway, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly came to the sad realization Monday that this could be the last time he tosses a lit firecracker into a White House press conference.
“Aw shit, after today, I might never get another shot to whip an M80 into the Press Briefing Room again—end of an era, man, end of a goddamn era,” said Biden, who smiled wistfully while recalling all the “kickass” times he launched a handful of bottle rockets at the audience of unsuspecting “ink slingers.” “Back in the Senate, Orrin Hatch used to get his panties in a knot when I chucked a fat little cherry bomb under his seat. I shit you not, that fucker pissed himself more times than I could count. Don’t get me wrong, though, Ol’ Joe’s gonna keep on flinging bangers into crowds after I blow this joint, but hell, it’ll never be the same as this.” Biden Donates Collection Of Classic Skin Mags To Those In Need During Holidays. WASHINGTON—Saying he hated the thought of the less fortunate having “an empty spank bank,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly donated a large collection of classic skin mags to a homeless shelter Monday to help those in need during the holidays.
“You know, not everyone is as lucky as ol’ Joe, so I want to spread the holiday cheer and give those who are down on their luck some classy pics with plenty of blue-ribbon bush to keep their Yule log burning all night, if you catch my drift,” said Biden while carrying a cardboard box filled with vintage issues of High Society, Oui, and Swank, a dubbed VHS tape of Traci Lords’ Not Of This Earth, and half a dozen pepperoni sticks. “I just snagged these from around mi casa. Man, there’s some great shit in here, but sometimes you’ve got to share your blessings with those who don’t have much. 25+ Hilarious Conversations Between Obama And Biden Are The Best Medicine After This Election.
Watch Vice President Joe Biden Rip a Burnout in His 1967 Corvette. If you're a gearhead, you might not want to run for President of Vice President.
Why? The main reason is that our heads of state aren't allowed to drive while they're in office or for six months after they leave. So if you're a President or VP that loves driving, it could be nearly nine years after first being elected until you're allowed to drive again. That sucks. That's the exact predicament that Vice President Biden has been in since he took office. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below So when Biden gets the chance to hop behind the wheel of his car, he doesn't waste the opportunity. What's also apparent is just how happy he is to be back behind the wheel. Via Jalopnik. Biden Co-Presents Best New Starlet Award With Shyla Stylez At 2015 AVN Adult Movie Awards Show. Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business.
WASHINGTON—Claiming that his operation would be “completely dicked over” by an influx of product, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly became increasingly worried this week that the recent legalization of marijuana in Washington, D.C. could seriously cut into his business.
Biden, who White House sources confirmed had significantly increased his annual marijuana sales after swiping a state-of-the-art hydroponics unit from a gardening supplies store back in 2012, expressed frustration at the possibility that legalizing the drug would wreak havoc on all of his investments. “Aw, Christ, now everyone will be growing their own herb,” said a visibly upset Biden, adding that he was “raking it in” before D.C. voters approved “that horseshit” Marijuana Legalization Initiative in a ballot measure last November.
“Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Joe is slinging the dankest nugs in town. Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark. WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S.
Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday. Biden, who first saw the buxom temptress in a tight, revealing black dress on a Los Angeles television station in 1982, said he immediately “got rock hard” and realized Elvira had the necessary assets to go “real far,” and made it his personal mission to find the Mistress of the Dark a plum position in D.C. Biden Huddling With Closest Advisers On Whether To Spend 200 Bucks On Scorpions Tickets. WASHINGTON—In an effort to carefully weigh every option before determining his future, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly huddled with several of his closest advisers Friday to decide whether to “pony up 200 smackers” for Scorpions tickets.
“This is the toughest decision I’ve faced—sure, it’s Rudy Schenker and the boys from Hanover we’re talking about, but I don’t know if I can swing 200 bones for just one night of the Scorps,” said Biden, who reportedly took a large swig from a Keystone tallboy while listening to his chief of staff Steve Ricchetti debate with fellow confidants T-Bone and The Gooch about the merits of scoring tickets from a scalper in the parking lot. “Shit, I guess Candi could slip into that low-cut number of hers and distract security with the goods while I sneak into a service entrance.
Pretty damn risky, and I ain’t too keen on spending another night in the clink like I did back in ’84 during the Love At First Sting tour. Biden Quietly Asks Obama To Pick Him Up Some Of Those Real Throwing Stars From Japan. WASHINGTON—Saying he didn’t want any “cheap-ass, dull ones,” Vice President Joe Biden quietly asked Barack Obama to pick him up some of those real throwing stars during his upcoming diplomatic visit to Japan, White House sources confirmed Friday.
“Listen, Barry, I need the real deal, so when you’re over there next week, snag me a few super sharp ones crafted by a master throwing star maker,” said Biden, adding that he would prefer it if the president could find a few bladed throwing weapons that had “some cool Japanese shit written on them.” “The ones they hawk at the Oriental Imports kiosk in the mall are basically useless tinfoil junk. Believe me, I’ve whipped those fuckers as hard as I can, and they never stick to anything. Biden Urges Paul Ryan To Check Out Nude Scene From ‘Porky’s’ On Phone. Joe Biden Says He Does A Million Arm Curls A Day But We Call Bulls#!% On That. Vice President Joe Biden claimed Friday he does a million arm curls a day, but we call bulls#! % on that. Biden demonstrated some of his arm curls (definitely not a million) in a Vine posted by the White House as part of First Lady Michelle Obama's #GimmeFive initiative to celebrate the five-year anniversary of her "Let's Move! " campaign: The first lady also got in on the #GimmeFive action Friday in an appearance on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
" "We’re asking folks all across the country to #GimmeFive ways they're leading a healthy life," Obama told DeGeneres. Obama and DeGeneres then had an amazing dance party to Bruno Mars' "Uptown Funk," which you can watch here. Did Joe Biden go too far by calling Britney Spears a bad mother on 'The View?' Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House. WASHINGTON—At approximately 2 a.m.
Thursday morning, White House sources confirmed that Vice President Joe Biden was forcibly pushed out the rear door of a moving 1980 Lincoln Town Car onto the curb outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. “Whoa, those hombres were not fucking around,” said Biden, assuring a small group of onlookers that he was fine as he climbed to his feet and dusted himself off. “Being in the hole 50-large ain’t no joke, but no need to worry about me. Not the first time I’ve had my ass in a sling. And if there’s anything Diamond Joe knows, it’s how to rake in some quick green.” Vice President Joe Biden Goes On Potato-Gun Rampage. Joe Biden On Ben Carson Saying Prison Turns Straight People Gay: 'I Mean, Jesus'
WASHINGTON -- Vice President Joe Biden on Friday hailed the progress of gay rights and said advocates need look no further than the "universal ridicule" of potential GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson, who recently suggested that prison makes straight people turn gay. Speaking at a Human Rights Campaign event, Biden said it's telling that even other Republicans have been distancing themselves from Carson this week after he declared that being gay is a choice because "a lot of people who go into prison go into prison straight, and when they come out, they're gay. " Just a few years ago, Biden said, Republicans wouldn't have expressed any problem with such claims. "Look what's happened in the other party today. Biden On Heidi Klum. Obama Picks Biden As VP.
Biden Loses Control Of Butterfly Knife During Commencement Speech. COLUMBIA, SC—Advising the 1,500 new graduates to “check out this shit,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly lost control of his rapidly twirling butterfly knife Saturday while delivering the commencement speech at the University of South Carolina. “Son of a bitch,” said Biden as the butterfly knife slipped from his grip, pinwheeled across the stage, and slid beneath the provost’s seat. “Sorry, everybody. That never happens. Man, I had it going awesome earlier, but I’m sweatin’ balls up here. Damn, that fucker’s sharp as hell.” Biden Frantically Hitting Up Cabinet Members For Clean Piss. Joe Biden Emboldened By Online IQ Score. Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue. Joe Biden Needs a Tranquilizer Dart: Stephanie Carter Suffers the Veep’s Paws. Al Qaeda operatives pretending to be women, intelligence officers in wigs and a cricket player on the stand—an extraordinary terror trial is underway.
Biden Arrives Early To Set Up State Of The Union Fog Machine. Photo of 'sad Joe Biden' staring out a window sparks hilarious memes - Money. Facebook. Biden Clenches Plastic Beer Cup In Teeth To Free Hands For Clapping. Biden Gets Grow Light Delivered To White House Under Fake Name. Joe Biden Posts First Selfie With None Other Than President Obama. Frantic Biden Searching Dog Shelter For Bo Look-Alike. The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden Audiobook. The Onion is proud to present The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden. In this scandalous memoir, America's favorite politician discusses his early years, before he became ultimate wingman to the leader of the free world. For the first time ever “Diamond” Joe discusses the formative experiences of his life, including his childhood selling hooch in Scranton, his years cruising college campuses picking up co-eds in a Del Rio, the grade-A tang he plowed in the summer of '87, and his "sweet ass gig" as Senator of Delaware.
Speaking of his own work, Vice President Biden says, "Amigo, you're just one click away from buying Uncle Joe's tell-all autobiography. My sweetest guitar riffs, bustiest lays, wildest benders, and sexiest appropriation bills, it's all in there. You'll not only hear about me and my buddy Barack, but I guarantee you'll pick up some tricks that'll serve you well in the sack. Joe Biden's 7 Techniques For Enlarging Your Member.
Obama Issues Presidential Pardon To Get Biden Out Of Jail For Third Time This Year. Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting. Biden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp Claim. Biden Asks White House Visitor If He Wants To Check Out Roof. WASHINGTON—Claiming it was "pretty fucking cool up there" and not to be missed, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly asked Estonian ambassador Väino Reinart on several occasions Sunday if he wanted to check out the White House roof. The vice president assures Ambassador Reinart that "there's plenty of good skin mags up there. " "So, you ready to see this sweet-ass roof or what? " the vice president was overheard telling Reinart, one of several foreign dignitaries who visited the White House this weekend. "Come on, it'll be a lot of fun. It's a killer spot to just chill out. "Real beaut of a view, too," Biden added as he threw an arm around the 48-year-old diplomat.
Biden Unveils New Health Initiative To Make U.S. Women Hotter. Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads. Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention. The Vice-Presidency Of Joe Biden. Obama Asks Biden Not To Stand So Close. Eloquent Biden Brings Entire Audience To Tears In Debate Stunner. DANVILLE, KY—In what observers called a stunning and unexpected display of oratorical eloquence and candor, Vice President Joe Biden delivered a deeply articulate and heartfelt speech at the conclusion of Thursday night’s vice presidential debate, reportedly moving the entire audience at Centre College to tears. After moderator Martha Raddatz asked Biden to give his closing statements, the former senator stared down at his prepared statement for several moments before setting it aside, standing on top of the table in front of him, and sharing a series of frank, poignant personal reflections as a surprised and reverent hush fell across the auditorium.
“I know people expect me to embarrass myself right now, or to do something reckless or silly, but I’m not going to do that—not tonight,” said Biden, his voice suddenly tinged with what observers described as a degree of warmth and tender regret never before heard from the veteran politician. "Joe Biden" — A BLR Soundbite. Real Joe Biden upstages “Diamond” Joe Biden on Reddit AMA. The President of Vice (Kindle Single): The Onion: Amazon.com. Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire.