Biden Addresses Nation While Hanging From Branch On Side Of Cliff. Biden Attempts To Ease Worries About His Age With Dramatic Face Lift. Joe Biden Officially Wishes Student Loans Away By Blowing On Dandelion. WASHINGTON—In his latest attempt to fulfill his campaign promise of relieving the nearly $1.8 trillion burden on U.S. citizens, President Joe Biden officially wished away student loan debt Thursday by blowing on a dandelion. “Today I closed my eyes, wished for the forgiveness of all tuition-related debt for single Americans earning less than $125,000 and couples earning less than $250,000, and blew the seeds of a dandelion into the air,” said President Biden, who stood barefoot on the grass in the White House Rose Garden as he addressed the assembled press corps. “The wind will carry my wish across the country, providing our best hope of enacting this meaningful policy and ensuring that college remains a ticket to the middle-class instead of a burden on our families.
I realize that student debt cancellation has failed in the past, but if need be, I will make this same wish when I blow out the candles on my birthday cake this year. Biden Blames White House Cocaine On Black Guy Who Lived There Before | Babylon Bee. WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the rumor mill still churning despite the Secret Service closing its investigation, President Joe Biden blamed the presence of cocaine in the West Wing of the White House on a black man who used to live there. "One of those suspicious colored fellas used to live here," Biden said to reporters assembled on the White House lawn as he came outside for his morning recess time. "Black folks are always dealing drugs, which is why I pushed so hard to incarcerate them decades ago. Nobody listened. Now, one of them lived here for years. He was a bad dude. Borfarginbinder. " Ever since a white powder that later tested positive for cocaine was discovered in the White House, speculation has run rampant that it may have belonged to President Biden's son, Hunter.
As Biden was being led away, he was heard muttering about the White House's former tenants. A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. Late on a Friday Night, Biden Guts the JFK Records Act. On June 30 President Biden issued an executive order asserting the 1992 JFK Assassination Records Act is no longer in effect. “With my final certification made in this memorandum -– the last required under the Act – and definitive plans for future disclosures, my Administration is fulfilling the promise of transparency to the American people,” Biden declared, while acquiescing to demands of national security agencies that portions of thousands of assassination-related documents remain out of public view.
“On May 1, 2023, the Acting Archivist informed me that the review process was complete,” Biden stated, "and recommended that I postpone the public release of certain redacted information in the records certified for temporary postponement of public release in the December 2022 Memorandum.” Biden, who voted for the JFK Records Act in 1992, accepted the intelligence community’s claim that disclosure of these forty, fifty, and sixty year old documents will harm the United States in 2023. Biden Secures Nation Extra Trash Can. WASHINGTON—Touting his administration’s commitment to improving the nation’s rapidly deteriorating infrastructure, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had officially secured the United States of America an extra trash can. “After extensive negotiations with congressional leaders, I’m pleased to report we have hammered out a bipartisan plan to stop by an Ace Hardware over on 14th Street and pick up one additional container for the nation’s curbside waste pickup,” said the commander in chief, who christened the 55-gallon gray plastic bin by digging around in his pocket, fishing out a chewing gum wrapper that had reportedly been in his pocket all afternoon, and tossing it into the open bin.
“Today we celebrate this historic milestone by hauling this garbage can out to a curb in Kansas, where it will be available for Americans from all walks of life to dispose of any trash they have that doesn’t fit into the nation’s existing receptacles. Infographic: Trump vs. Biden - Who's Doing A Better Job? | Babylon Bee. Biden: 'We Are In A Pandemic Of The Quadruple Vaccinated' | Babylon Bee. WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brief address to the nation after once again testing positive for COVID, President Biden warned that we are now in a pandemic of the "quadruple vaccinated.
" "Four shots, it's not enough anymore," said Biden. "You need at least five to five hundred thousand thousand thirty-two, um, um, five thousand, blirteen sixty shots. Science told me. Not a joke! At this point, if you haven't gotten the vaccine at least 5 times you're denying the science. The president is calling on all citizens to get quintuple-vaccinated before he catches COVID a third time. The White House Communications Team backed up Biden's statement, saying: "The President has been very clear from the very beginning of the pandemic and has never once wavered in his opinion in the slightest, and it is a very clear opinion because the President is always clear and in his right mind and he definitely doesn't have severe dementia.
Aides Concerned Low Poll Numbers Could Drive Biden To Do Something Drastically Popular. WASHINGTON—Worrying that a plummeting approval rating may be clouding the president’s judgment, White House aides reportedly expressed concern Thursday that low poll numbers could drive Joe Biden to do something drastically popular. “Frankly, we’re extremely worried that these low poll numbers could be leading the president to a dark place mentally, wherein passing legislation for issues supported by the vast number of Americans may begin to sound like a logical solution,” said Biden chief of staff Ron Klain, adding that the secret service has already been put on high alert to watch for any sudden moves the president may make to fulfill one of his campaign promises.
“He’s experiencing a lot of panic and depression right now as these early 2024 surveys come in, which can make it easy for someone to get too inside their own head and start entertaining dangerous ideas like cancelling student debt or, god forbid, codifying abortion rights. Biden Congratulates Michelle Obama On Supreme Court Confirmation. WASHINGTON, D.C. —In a touching ceremony on the White House lawn today, President Biden congratulated the first black woman on the Supreme Court, Michelle Obama. "Look, folks, this is big, for real," said the leader of the free world to a half-eaten cheese sandwich he had taken with him to the podium for some reason. "It's about time our country had a clean, articulate black woman like Munchy Obladda—er, Michelle Obama on the Supreme court. Congratulations, Michee Obuu! You deserve it! The crowd stood to their feet to applaud Ketanji Brown Jackson and laugh at Biden's hilarious joke.
"You know folks, as I was walking 17,000 miles through the Himalayans with President Xi, he told me, 'Good job nominating a black female. Biden then turned and wandered around for a while until his personal medical doctor Dr. Biden Shoots Self In Foot In Hopes Of Getting Discharged From Presidency. WASHINGTON—With sweat beading on his forehead as he pressed his tongue to his lips in concentration, President Joe Biden reportedly shot himself in the foot Wednesday in hopes of getting discharged from the presidency. “All right, Joe, it’s going to hurt like hell, but if it gets you out of this snake pit, it’ll be more than worth it,” said the president, who winced as he sat behind the Resolute desk and pointed a handgun at his bare foot, muttering a prayer and finally pulling the trigger in an effort to obtain a medical leave laid up in a bed far away from the Oval Office.
“Jesus Christ! Ah shit, shit, shit! Okay, it’s really bleeding a lot. Clarence Thomas Surprised To Hear How Important Black Representation On SCOTUS Is To Man Who Viciously Tried To Destroy Him. WASHINGTON, D.C. —Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was surprised to learn last week that black representation is very important to President Biden. This comes after Biden previously attempted to block Thomas's nomination while viciously attempting to destroy his life and reputation. "Black representation matters, folks! " said Biden to a group of journalists outside the White House. When asked about how he felt about Clarance Thomas being on the court despite his best efforts, Biden replied: "Who?
" Thomas, who had been smeared over sexual harassment claims that were never actually filed, was humiliated on live TV by Joe Biden who, at the time was a 49-year-old balding racist serving in the senate. "I can't rightfully vote for someone who thinks babies deserve to live," said Biden at the time. Biden reaffirmed his commitment to nominating a woman of color to the court yesterday, and promised to pick someone "clean and articulate. " Joe Biden Beats Out Brussels Sprouts For America's Least Favorite Vegetable. U.S. —A new Gallup Poll shows President Biden beating out the infamous Brussels Sprout for America's least favorite vegetable. The poll, partially conducted as a survey for TV's Family Feud, has been criticized by the Biden administration as "unfair. " Press Secretary Jen Psaki addressed the polling data during her daily press briefing.
"The president feels, and we agree, that he's not a vegetable because he occasionally moves around sometimes. A Brussel sprout or, excuse me, 'Brussels sprout' doesn't move. It is literally a vegetable. "Besides," Psaki continued. The majority of the press in attendance appeared to be satisfied with the answer. Psaki did not respond to Doocy's statement, but President Biden did later call him a "stupid shepherd's pie.
" At publishing time, Jen Psaki apologized for implying that people in a vegetative state are like the X-Men. A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’ WASHINGTON—In a stirring speech at the U.S. Capitol Thursday morning, President Joe Biden vowed not to forget the lessons of the Jan. 6 riot, urging Americans to hang former Vice President Mike Pence. “We stand here today to declare that we will not back down in the face of tyranny, and we will gut the traitor Pence limb from limb for the way he turned on President Trump,” said Biden, who spent nearly 10 minutes of his prepared remarks encouraging the crowd to chant “Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence!” Along with him. “What can we learn from the events of Jan. 6? The enduring lesson here is that we must drag Mike Pence from his home and string him up from the rafters for all to see.
After Seeing His Record-Low Hispanic Approval Ratings, Biden Resumes Construction On Border Wall. After Seeing His Record-Low Hispanic Approval Ratings, Biden Resumes Construction On Border Wall EL PASO, TX—Upon seeing disastrous results from a new NPR poll showing Hispanic approval at 41% and disapproval at 55%, President Biden ordered construction of the southern border wall to resume. “I have decided, due to no other reason other than my own principles, that it is in our nation’s best interest to keep those invading Latinx out... er, I mean, have secure borders,” said Biden while deleting the song “Despacito” from his phone.
“For too long have previous administrations allowed dangerous terrorists to infiltrate our great nation through our porous southern border, and that has to stop, fellas.” “President Biden has always stood against illegal immigration,” said Jen Psaki, “In fact, he will soon propose an executive order mandating the expulsion of all Hispanics from our great nation...for, umm, security.” A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. Snopes Rates Claim That Biden Pooped His Pants As 'Mostly False' Since It Was More Of A Wet Fart. Snopes Rates Claim That Biden Pooped His Pants As 'Mostly False' Since It Was More Of A Wet Fart SAN DIEGO, CA—Fact checkers at Snopes proved their value as beacons of all kinds of truth by rating the claim that Biden pooped his pants as “Mostly False” and informing truth seekers it was actually more of one of those wet farts.
Snopes investigators say they obtained Biden's trousers and and knickers and went over them with a magnifying glass, blacklight, and poopprint kit. They say the underwear passed the "sniff test" and that it wasn't poop after all, but just one of those loose, wet farts that slip out sometimes. “Social Media is rife with unsubstantiated claims that President Biden pooped his pants, when in fact, he did no such thing,” said Snopes editor-in-chief Elroy Shmoob. “We investigated the crap out of this one, because when it comes to the President, rumors like this could be disastrous to his pristine track record. We’ve concluded it was just a shart.” 17 Things With A Higher Approval Rating Than Joe Biden.
Joe Biden's approval rating is not good. Sad! Not good! Here are seventeen things with higher approval ratings than Joe Biden: 1. Candy corn - Even these tasteless cones of wax fare better in the polls than Sleepy Joe. 2. Prostate exams - Uncomfortable but at least they don't last four years. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. What do you like better than Joe Biden? Biden Follows Congresswomen Into Bathroom To Negotiate Infrastructure Bill. Via The Babylon Bee WASHINGTON, D.C. —With his “Build Back Better” agenda in jeopardy, President Biden has begun following various congresswomen into the restroom to negotiate the bill. “This is all just part of the process folks, it happens to everybody,” he said as he followed Senator Lisa Murkowski into the restroom with a cell phone camera. “This is how we conduct negotiations around here, Jack!” “Every woman that knows me personally has had a guy follow them into the restroom,” he continued.
According to sources, Biden is also following men into the restroom, giving them a choice to either vote for his bill, or get a chain wrapped around their heads. While some liberals did express a bit of discomfort with filming women as they used the restroom, most felt Senator Sinema really had brought this on herself. When questioned about Biden’s practice of bathroom negotiations, Press Secretary Psaki responded, “Aw, that’s classic Uncle Joe! 'Who Are You? Where Are My Pills?' Says Biden In Dynamic Speech Echoing All Of America's Concerns. First Couple's Walk To Marine One Captures Hearts On Internet. Putin Challenges Biden To Stair-Climbing Contest. Biden Shares His Secret To Keeping Calm In A Crisis: Senility. The Sovietization of the American Press - TK News by Matt Taibbi. Jen Psaki Says She'll 'Circle Back' To Question About Why Biden Is Currently Wandering Press Room Sniffing Reporters.
Biden Continues Reading ‘The Pet Goat’ To Schoolchildren After Being Informed Of GameStop Situation. 6 Warning Signs from Biden’s First Week in Office. Joe Biden to sign new executive orders laying out racial equity agenda. What Biden’s Warmongering Will Actually Look Like. Nationwide Dementiafest: Notes From The Edge Of The Narrative Matrix. Biden Sees Own Shadow, Predicting Just Six Weeks Of Being President. Biden Cuts Hole In Mask So He Can Still Sniff People's Hair. Buttigieg Defends Transportation Credentials By Revealing He Has Played Tons Of Mario Kart 64.
Kellyanne Conway Trashes Joe Biden: Just Type In 'Creepy Uncle Joe Videos,' You Come Up With A Treasure Trove. Joe Biden Cold Open - SNL. ‘Help! Help! Who Am I? Where Am I? Who Are You People?’ Says Biden In Embarrassing Campaign Gaffe. Biden Declares Self Only Candidate Who Can Defeat George Bush In 1988 Election. Desperate, Cash-Strapped Biden Selling Hand Formerly Shaken By Obama. Nation Calls For Letting Biden Rub Women’s Shoulders Again After Seeing What He’ll Do Instead.
Biden Campaign Concerned After Candidate Gives Unsolicited Back Rub To Coat Rack. Biden Asks Advisors How Much Longer He Has To Pretend To Be Confused And Doddering To Avoid Criticism. Struggling Biden Campaign Now Offering One Month Of Free AOL For Rally Attendance. ‘You’re A Piece Of Shit And I Hope Everyone Like You Dies,’ Says Biden To Democratic Voter In Stirring Call For Party Unity. Biden Addresses Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘My Advisors Told Me To Say They Aren’t True’
Biden Flattered His 1994 Crime Bill Suddenly Starting To Receive So Much Attention. Joe Biden Seen Sniffing Cardboard Cutout Fans At Baseball Game. Biden Campaign Says He Is So Close To A VP Pick He Can Smell Her. Biden Attempts To Appeal To Hispanics By Performing Authentic Mexican Hat Dance While Firing Pistols Into The Air. Biden Insists Lack Of Cooperation From Trump Administration Won’t Interfere With 4 Years Of Total Political Inaction.
Joe Biden Economic Team Features Janet Yellen, Two BlackRock Alums. Joe Biden Said He’d “Follow the Science” on the Pandemic. He Isn’t.