Obama Receives Nobel Prize In Medicine For Getting COVID. WASHINGTON, D.C. —The Norwegian Nobel Committee announced that they will be awarding former President Obama the Nobel Prize in medicine for bravely contracting the deadly virus known as COVID-19. "Many people around the world have contracted COVID, but none have done it with such grace, class, and dignity as Barack Obama," said Nobel Laureate Johan Lindströmolofsson. "This blessed child of light, this son of hope, has taken COVID upon himself for all mankind.
Thank you Obama. You deserve this prize. Obama's team of 38 dedicated physicians says he is only experiencing mild symptoms and will be fully recovered soon. "I uhhh..... got the COVID," said Obama to a group of swooning and crying journalists. Obama will receive his Nobel Prize when they convene again for ceremonies at the end of this year. This woman is an angry feminist -- but she's quickly changing her tune as World War 3 starts and she faces the possibility of getting drafted. Obama Tells Girl Raped In School Restroom To Stop Peddling Fake Outrage. LOUDOUN COUNTY, VA—Former President Barack Obama, voice of the people, owner of mansions, scolded a young student who was raped in her high school bathroom, telling her to stop peddling fake outrage just to boost the ratings of right-wing media grifters.
“You should be ashamed of yourself young lady,” said the first black, foreign-born US President while winking at a fawning journalist. “Instead of stoking anger aimed at school boards and administrators, you should be making it easier for teachers and schools to give kids the world-class indoctrination they deserve.” The victim of egregious sexual assault was saddened to realize her actions of being raped by a skirt-wearing male student in a gender-fluid bathroom caused so much pain and inconvenience for school administrators, school boards, and politicians.
After being told by all mainstream media outlets that his words were as the holy revelation of a resplendent god, Barack Obama flew home to write a memoir about it. Entertainment.theonion. All About Obama. Politics.theonion. Obama Hoping He Doesn’t Run Into U.S. Populace After Presidency. WASHINGTON—Explaining that the experience would be extremely awkward for each side, President Barack Obama told reporters Wednesday he is really hoping not to run into the U.S. populace after his term ends. Obama said that once his presidency officially draws to a close on Friday, he would ideally have little or no interaction with his 324 million former constituents, adding that if he ever unexpectedly crossed paths with the American people while going for a walk or doing errands, he hoped they could each quickly continue on with their day with just a passing exchange of pleasantries. “I’m going to try to steer clear of them, but it’s really only a matter of time before I bump into them on the street or out at a restaurant or something,” said Obama, emphasizing that while he had nothing against the United States citizenry personally, it would be highly uncomfortable to make forced small talk about how they’re doing and what they’ve been up to recently.
B-2 Stealth Bombers Strike ISIS Militants in Libya: Pentagon. Rarely used Air Force B-2 Spirit stealth bombers carried out massive strikes against two ISIS camps in Libya on Wednesday in what was almost certainly the last combat mission specifically authorized by President Barack Obama. Defense Secretary Ashton Carter, who had given what were billed as his final remarks as Pentagon chief on Wednesday, made a surprise appearance in the Pentagon press room Thursday to confirm the B-2 mission that Air Force figures showed cost well in excess of $11 million. He brushed off speculation that the strikes were intended by the outgoing administration to send a message to Russia and China that the U.S. retained the ability to strike anywhere in the world on short notice, or to offset criticism by President-elect Donald Trump of U.S. military readiness.
Carter said that other aircraft in the region could have carried out the Libya strikes -- "there were other options" -- but U.S. commanders decided that the B-2s were "the best capability to use. " U.S. Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House. Obama: 'Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness' CHARLOTTE, NC—With the savage roar of the heathen Democratic horde rising all around him, President Barack Obama delivered an incendiary speech to close his party’s national convention Thursday night, commanding the ultraprogressive minions in attendance to help him “destroy Jesus and usher in a new age of liberal darkness that shall reign o’er the earth for a thousand years.”
The thunderous 45-minute address—during which the president argued for a second term so that he could “finally kill Jesus once and for all, as well as all those who worship him”—was well received by the frenzied, wild-eyed audience, whose piercing chants of “Four more years!” And “Slaughter the believers!” Echoed throughout the Time Warner Cable Arena. “My fellow Americans and godless infidels, I command you to join me as we cast an endless pall of far-left evil across the hills and valleys of our nation!” “A glorious new age of sinister, unconstrained liberalism is dawning! Obama Camp Vows To Win Neighborhoods Where Romney Staffers Are Too Afraid To Go. Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama. The Anemic Economic Recovery Is Due To The Failed Policies Of My Opponent vs. C'mon Man, The Debate's In A Couple Hours, We Can Do This Then. Point If there’s one thing I’ve learned campaigning across this great country of ours, it’s that hardworking Americans are doing their God’s honest best in these trying economic times.
But unfortunately, far too many families that were once solidly middle-class now have a tough time paying their bills and, in some cases, struggle just to put meals on the table. We’ve been promised an economic recovery for four years, folks, and I don’t need to tell you that it hasn’t come to pass. That’s why it’s time for a change—a real, lasting change from the ineffective and costly policies of my opponent, which have done nothing but slow this recovery down. Time and time again, we’ve been told by this administration that things will get better, that we’re finally turning a corner. Just look around, folks—it’s plain to see this so-called recovery is anything but.
We all remember how my opponent rode into office on a wave of popular support and promised fixing the economy would be job No. 1. "Trick The Bridesmaid" — a Bad Lip Reading of Barack Obama. The progressive case against Obama. A few days ago, I participated in a debate with the legendary antiwar dissident Daniel Ellsberg on Huffington Post live on the merits of the Obama administration, and what progressives should do on Election Day. Ellsberg had written a blog post arguing that, though Obama deserves tremendous criticism, voters in swing states ought to vote for him, lest they operate as dupes for a far more malevolent Republican Party.
This attitude is relatively pervasive among Democrats, and it deserves a genuine response. As the election is fast approaching, this piece is an attempt at laying out the progressive case for why one should not vote for Barack Obama for reelection, even if you are in a swing state. There are many good arguments against Obama, even if the Republicans cannot seem to muster any. The civil liberties/antiwar case was made eloquently a few weeks ago by libertarian Conor Friedersdorf, who wrote a well-cited blog post on why he could not, in good conscience, vote for Obama. Why I Refuse to Vote for Barack Obama - Conor Friedersdorf. The case against casting a ballot for the president -- even if you think he's better than Mitt Romney Reuters Tell certain liberals and progressives that you can't bring yourself to vote for a candidate who opposes gay rights, or who doesn't believe in Darwinian evolution, and they'll nod along. Say that you'd never vote for a politician caught using the 'n'-word, even if you agreed with him on more policy issues than his opponent, and the vast majority of left-leaning Americans would understand.
But these same people cannot conceive of how anyone can discern Mitt Romney's flaws, which I've chronicled in the course of the campaign, and still not vote for Obama. Don't they see that Obama's transgressions are worse than any I've mentioned? I don't see how anyone who confronts Obama's record with clear eyes can enthusiastically support him. Nope. There are folks on the left who feel that way, of course. I ended the post with a one-line dig at the Democratic Party. Let me explain how. If not? The Onion Voter's Guide To Barack Obama | The Onion - America's Finest News Source | Onion News Network. This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations. This year, the American people face one of the most stark and important elections of our time, with much at stake for average citizens and their families.
Election Day is less than a week away, and with my campaign running neck-in-neck with Mitt Romney’s, I fully recognize this is probably not the ideal moment to introduce a controversial new proposal widely ignored in mainstream politics. But I can no longer stay quiet about an issue I believe in so firmly. My fellow Americans, it’s time to talk reparations. As you may know, the latest polls show the race in the swing states is tighter than ever, with many crucial voters still undecided. So I realize that forcing the nation into a discussion about atoning for an institution abolished a century and a half ago, and introducing a program to redistribute wealth to black Americans—either in cash, bonds, or via a series of property reallocations—is not the most intelligent move, strategically speaking.
Only then can we finally move forward. Look, I'm Just Going To Say It: I Collect Antique Nazi Memorabilia. As I begin my second term as president, I am honored to continue to serve this great country as we tackle the myriad problems that face us in the 21st century. We are a resilient nation, and I think we can meet these problems with swiftness and vigor. I look forward to helping us do just that in my second term. That being said, there’s something I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for a while now and I figure it’s time I did. It’s not a big deal—honestly, it’s really not at all—but it’s just something I’ve neglected to mention in the past, and now that I’ve been reelected, I think it’s time I just get it over with and tell people already: I collect antique Nazi memorabilia. Now, let me be clear about this: I myself am not a Nazi.
I would also like to emphasize that this hobby, while not necessarily “common” on a large scale, does not make me weird or somehow deviant. People in this country are free to collect whatever they want to collect. I am not a Nazi. Completely Self-Absorbed Obama Gets Up And Just Talks For An Hour Straight. WASHINGTON—In a shocking display of deep self-absorption and narcissistic behavior, President Barack Obama stood up in front of the entire nation Tuesday and talked for more than an hour straight, sources confirmed. Appearing before a crowd of several hundred people, whom he had apparently required to attend and sit silently as he spoke, the egocentric president reportedly talked nonstop from roughly 9 p.m. to 10:15 p.m.
Eastern time, giving his opinion on whatever topics he felt like discussing. Apparently unwilling to concern himself with any beliefs other than his own, Obama selfishly spoke without interruption, never once allowing another person to get a word in edgewise or offer a differing viewpoint. “Christ, that guy just wouldn’t stop talking,” said Lehigh, PA resident Ken Datillio, 41, who said he watched in mounting disbelief and annoyance as the self-involved leader kept going on and on, seemingly unaware of how profoundly egocentric he was being. Mazda Scandal Booth - Benghazi - The Colbert Report - 2013-20-05. Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy. WASHINGTON—Standing before members of the White House Press Corps Wednesday afternoon as aides lowered a bunch of grapes into his mouth, President Obama encouraged everyone gathered in the West Wing briefing room to abandon their inhibitions and revel in a wild, drunken orgy.
Sources confirmed Obama, who had initially called the press conference to discuss the progress on an infrastructure development bill, suddenly requested everyone in the room strip off their clothing and strongly urged NBC’s Chuck Todd and CNN’s Jessica Yellin to kick the festivities off by engaging in oral sex in front of the podium. “This afternoon I will discuss how the new water resource development bill could affect S. 601, but first, I think we should all give in to the basest of our primal urges and drink thirstily from the cup of lust,” said Obama, as the juice of the grapes he was eating ran down his chin and White House staffers placed a wreath of leaves onto his head.
“This is a day of excess! Obama Takes Excited Daughters Out For Day Of Drone-Watching. Sometimes When Things Get Really Stressful, I Close My Eyes, Sit Back, And Pretend I’m Back In Kenya. Leading the greatest country in the world is a demanding job for any one man or woman, and the responsibilities of a U.S. president, day in and day out, are at times profoundly stressful, as the past four years have taught me well. But I take great solace in the support of my family, my trusted advisors, and the fact that whenever the pressure seems unbearable, I can go be alone somewhere and just visualize myself back on the savannahs of western Kenya that I remember so well from my boyhood.
I often feel overburdened by the strains of the Oval Office, but I draw great strength, confidence, and relief from my memories of that simpler time. Waking up with the sunrise, I’d help the village women forage or make clothing, and do my part to kindle the campfire. When I got older, I’d join the hunt with the men of the tribe—the day I speared my first eland and was proclaimed a man was the proudest achievement of my life prior to November of 2008. And oh, the festival days! The Daily Show: Obama Quest.
Obama Takes 'Selfie' At Fallen Soldier’s Funeral. News By David Brooks | ARLINGTON, VA — Shortly after returning from the memorial service for former South African President Nelson Mandela where he was photographed taking a picture with other world leaders and sending obscene Snapchat messages, President Obama has become embroiled in another controversy, sources confirmed.
According to eyewitnesses, the President was spotted taking pictures of himself on his camera phone at a fallen soldier’s funeral Thursday morning at Arlington National Cemetery. Attendees said Obama had been spotted taking selfies in the men’s restroom mirror before finding his seat next to First Lady Michelle Obama who had positioned herself between the President and the fallen soldier’s “hot cousin.” Obama then snapped two more selfies in his seat — one of him looking upwards and to the right and the other of him making “duckface.” “Seriously, duckface? ,” said one outraged family member to reporters. President Obama Visits Afghanistan, Shoots Three Taliban Fighters. FORWARD OPERATING BASE SALERNO — Today the American people are recovering from the shocking news that President Barack Obama came under enemy fire earlier this week in Afghanistan. While visiting with soldiers and key leaders there, the President came under attack from insurgents, cutting him off from delivering his speech.
“We must finish the job we started in Afghanistan, and end this war responsibly,” he said to a crowd of soldiers at FOB Salerno, near the city of Khost. At that moment the base began taking mortar fire from a group of insurgents firing from some nearby hills. As Obama’s Secret Service detail threw him to the ground for protection, Specialist Hector Peterson ran over and handed him his M9 pistol, saying, “Here you go sir, you’ll need this.”
Obama then raced through the Entry Control Point with the Quick Reaction Force before anyone could stop him. “He just opened up on them until his magazine was empty,” said Corporal Cyril Abrams, “then calmly reloaded and kept firing. Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: President Barack Obama. “Progressive” Obama: He’s Melting, He’s Melting. Things Everybody Does But Doesn't Talk About, Featuring President Obama. Obama’s Last Big Con. Obama: a man of no substance | spiked review of books. Along With Chelsea Manning, Obama Granted Hundreds Of Federal Drug Offenders Early Freedom | The Huffington Post. Trump, Obama and the future of targeted killing - The Bureau of Investigative Journalism. Chris Hayes/Jeremy Scahill Nail the Bush-Obama Relationship.
Cornel West: “He posed as a progressive and turned out to be counterfeit. We ended up with a Wall Street presidency, a drone presidency” President Personally Performs First Obamacare Euthanization. A Reading Guide on Obama’s Latest Appointments. Has Obama Kept His Open-Government Pledge? Obama Granted Sweeping Power in 'Secret' Cyber-Wars. Timeline: How Obama Compares to Bush on Torture, Surveillance and Detention. Former Adviser: Obama as 'Ruthless and Indifferent to Rule of Law' as Bush. Is President Obama’s Cabinet a “Team of Rivals”—or Just a Bunch of Figureheads?
Barack Obama’s final press conference: Fake news, Jim Crow and the prospects of another black president.