background preloader

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

Facebook Twitter

Enthusiastic versus Explicit Consent – Cerebral Sexuality. Enthusiastic versus Explicit Consent: When you first meet a sex partner, and you’re asking for clear and verbal consent, the last thing you want is a lackluster reply.

Enthusiastic versus Explicit Consent – Cerebral Sexuality

“Can I go down on you?” “Uh, sure, I guess so.” That response is technically a “yes,” but it certainly doesn’t sound like a person who wants to have sex with you! There are dozens and dozens of reasons to have sex, and that means that sometimes people agree to have sex without actually wanting it. Enthusiasm doesn’t mean you can’t also feel nervous or solemn, because sex can be a really serious and scary activity. So, enthusiasm = important with a new sex partner. That changes in a long term relationship because your motivation changes. Let me be quite clear – I do not think anyone should have reluctant sex, sex they use to try and patch a failing relationship, coerced sex, or non-consented sex (rape). Navigating Differences in Sexual Desire. Responsive vs spontaneous desire - Uncovering Intimacy. Yesterday I wrote about arousal non-concordance and how sometimes our body’s arousal doesn’t match up with our mind’s arousal.

Responsive vs spontaneous desire - Uncovering Intimacy

How it can be that your mind might want sex, but your body isn’t ready. Or the opposite can happen. Unfortunately, this confuses a lot of women about their own bodies (and husbands about their wives’). I mean, how do you know when you’re aroused if you can’t trust your body to tell you. Or if you can’t trust your mind to accurately report on your body. The problem is, a lot of them don’t know about another model out there: that of responsive vs spontaneous desire. The study of sexuality has had a difficult history. Over the years, we’ve slowly become more willing to discuss the differences between male and female sexuality, but this same foundation still largely exists. Men and women often have very different arousal patterns. Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship. The Difference Between Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Desire.

Difference Between Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Desire. The Difference Between Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Desire [Transcript] One of the most common issues that couples face in and out of therapy is sex and one of the most common challenges about sex is differences in desire.

Difference Between Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Desire

Without being able to understand or communicate about these challenges, frustration and resentment can build up over time. Watch this video to learn about the differences in sexual desire. Read More: 4 Things to Improve Sex Communication If our only source of knowledge about sex was media and porn, we might believe that spontaneous desire is the only kind there is.

When the Urge Is Uneven: Understanding the Universe of Sexual Desire. In my experience, mismatched levels of sexual desire, or libido, tops the reasons couples enter sex therapy.

When the Urge Is Uneven: Understanding the Universe of Sexual Desire

It’s the reason Marcie and Joe (not their real names) come to therapy weekly. Married over 20 years, Marcie states, “I don’t think about sex ever.” Yet, when they engage sexually, Marcie says, “I enjoy it. I even orgasm every time. I just never think of it. So, which partner bears “the problem”? The “universe of desire,” as it turns out, is vast. 1. Spontaneous sexual desire is exactly what it sounds like. This page contains at least one affiliate link for the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, which means receives financial compensation if you make a purchase using an Amazon link.

This means 25% of men and the vast majority of women, 85%, do not experience spontaneous desire. Spontaneous sexual desire as a prerequisite for sex supports a linear view of sexuality dating back to the late 1970s. 2. 3. Reference: Nagoski, E. (2015). Pleasure is the measure - Emily Nagoski. Suppose you’re just flipping through channels, not even thinking about sex, and your sexy, loving certain-special-someone comes along are starts massaging your earlobes in that amazing way they have.

pleasure is the measure - Emily Nagoski

Your brain goes, “Ohhhh that feels nice. Do more of that!” And then your certain-special-someone begins to nip and bite at your earlobes in that super-extra-special way they have… and your brain goes, “Hey now! How about some sexytimes!” Pleasure comes first. But it’s not what we were taught is “normal.” Step 1, you want some sex — Erika Moen illustrates this as a lightning bolt to the genitals; Step 2 the lightning bolt motivates you to go and get some sex, which increases lubrication and bloodflow to the genitals; and finally Step 3 you have an orgasm, probably during penile-vaginal intercourse. This is certainly how it seems to work for some people, at least some of the time. We can talk about arousal and orgasm another time. Don’t get me wrong: spontaneous desire can be fun.