5 Ways We Ruined the Occupy Wall Street Generation. At this moment, a whole lot of people, most of them 15 to 20 years younger than me, are protesting in every major city. What are they angry about? A lot of things, some of which are partially my fault. See, I'm a part of Generation X, the post-Baby Boom era kids who grew up on a mental diet of Beavis and Butthead and Alice in Chains. We wrote poems about how angry we were at our fathers, wore goatees like weapons and made panties burst into flames by playing Pearl Jam's Black on our acoustic guitars. We were a bridge from the Baby Boomers to all you guys who are in high school and college now. This is not a sarcastic apology, I'm not a big enough dick to write all of this as a backhanded insult about how lazy and entitled you are. I'm honestly apologizing for ... #5. During one "Occupy Wall Street" protest, somebody from the Chicago Board of Trade dumped McDonald's applications on the protesters.
Via Weknowmemes.com But I'm pretty sure we taught you the opposite of that. Photos.com #4. 6 Terrifying Diseases That Science Can't Explain. The world is full of some pretty awful diseases, including but not limited to viruses that leave you with your limbs rotting off (CAUTION! Pictures!) Or pooping yourself to death in hours. What could be worse than getting diagnosed with one of those? How about having a doctor stand over your death bed, shrug his shoulders and say, "I dunno, magic? " After all, nothing is scarier than the unknown, and science can't explain the first thing about some pretty horrific diseases, and even less about how to stop them. Firmly in the category of "things somehow made more terrifying by a ridiculous name," the Dancing Plague was an actual disease that killed people. Deadlier than a crocodile with rabies and a machine gun. Now, you may be thinking that "tackling and forcibly stopping" the people who were literally dancing themselves to death may be a sound idea for preventing the afflicted from dying.
"Well, they're not dancing anymore, are they? " The Mystery: Stiff Person Syndrome Because he's fat. 7 Awesome Acts of Nature (That Science Can't Explain) We may look down on all the primitive peoples who are confused by lightning and think thunder is the voice of the gods, but the truth is to this very day there are natural phenomena that our scientists still don't being to understand. We're talking about events that are witnessed by thousands, photographed, well-documented and yet are utterly baffling. Such as... What would you do if you were walking along a tropical river at night and it suddenly began burping up egg-sized balls of red light? It happens every year in October along the Mekong river (the same one featured in classic Vietnam movies like Rambo II and the flashbacks from Rambo III). The phenomenon is known as the Naga Fireballs, and experts agree that it is "just weird as shit. " "'Weird as shit,' I said, I don't understand what other questions you could have.
" It literally appears that the river is spitting out flaming M&Ms. So, What do the Smart People Think is Happening? Or a ballistic space dildo. Blue Jets and Red Sprites. 6 Insane Discoveries That Science Can't Explain. We like to feel superior to the people who lived centuries ago, what with their shitty mud huts and curing colds by drilling a hole in their skulls. But we have to give them credit: They left behind some artifacts that have left the smartest of modern scientists scratching their heads. For instance, you have the following enigmas that we believe were created for no other purpose than to fuck with future generations.
The Voynich Manuscript The Mystery: The Voynich manuscript is an ancient book that has thwarted all attempts at deciphering its contents. And it's not like some idiot just scribbled a bunch of nonsense on paper and went, "Figure THIS out, fuckwads. " It is actually an organized book with a consistent script, discernible organization and detailed illustrations. It appears to be a real language--just one that nobody has seen before. Translation: "...and when you get her to put the tennis racket in her mouth, have her stand in a fountain for a while. Why Can't They Solve It? 4 Pieces of Relationship Advice Movies Need to Stop Giving. If you're anything like me, you had two parents: The Streets, and Pop Culture.
When it comes to The Streets, I cannot give a higher recommendation, every kid should be so lucky to spend a few years in the school of hard knocks and so forth. As far as Pop Culture goes, however, there are a lot of irresponsible lessons being thrown around, especially when it comes to romance and dating. Lessons like ... #4. Not Being Able to Function Socially Makes Someone Attractive and Interesting The Thing: "If she's a wide-eyed, crazy, eccentric free-spirit, then she's actually just the gal you need to straighten your entire life out, man!
Worst Offenders:The New Girl,Garden State. This trope has been around so long that it's actually been given a name. Zooey Deschanel's character in The New Girl is probably the clearest example of this right now, as that entire show is based around how quirky and eccentric and, as a result, lovable, Zooey's character (I think her name is "Eyeface") is. You! #3. 6 Adorable Spider Behaviors You Slowly Realize Are AAAAAHHH! Objectively, we all know that, even when they look absolutely terrifying, most spiders are completely harmless. Hell, some of them don't even look like the devil threw up a nightmare: Spiders are furry, have big ol' puppy dog eyes and do adorable things like wear dew as hats. But that's not quite enough to quiet the screaming voices telling you to abandon everything and run -- just run and never stop running -- every time you walk through an errant web. So here are a few reasons you might just want to give the next spider you see a big ol' hug instead of a series of stomps followed by anxious sobbing.
Spiders are good at hugging, you see. They have oh so many arms. . #6. We all want to smell our best for prospective mates, and Evarcha culicivora are no different. Via Robert R. So what is it that makes these little debutantes go wild for each other? Haha, no. It's blood. Photos.comAxe Body Spray uses basically the same ingredients. #5. Via Dhushara.comKnow any Skynyrd? #4. The 6 Most Absurd Moments from Superhero Movies. 5 Ways 'Arkham City' Proves I'm Under Qualified to be Batman. Look, I know it's highly unlikely that I would have ever been Batman, but I just didn't think the option would be completely off the table at this point in my life, you know? Yes, I'm poor, cowardly, out of shape and the only thing I want to "avenge" is that time somebody took one of my beers out of the company fridge without asking.
But I guess I just figured that there was always time for my parents to be murdered, to win the lottery, and maybe to take a few karate classes. And that should be it: That's all I would need to successfully Batman myself. All the rest of it -- the mentality, the plans, the drive -- that's stuff I already have. . #5. The fighting sections in Batman: Arkham Asylum, and again in Batman: Arkham City, are rhythm-based affairs. And I absolutely do not have music in my soul. In short: My ass gets beat routinely, and with much vigor. Like this, except right afterward I trip, fall into a dumpster and get beaten to death. #4. . #3. ... but there's something even neater.
The 6 Most Mind-Blowing Things Ever Discovered in Space. #3. A Cold Star Here's the very first lesson you learned about the cosmos: The sun is hot. Even before you knew what the sun was, or what a star was made of, you knew that. When you get into the science of it, you realize that you were even more right than you thought: The surface of the sun is about 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit, and several thousand times hotter than that at the core. So, yeah, the one thing we know about stars is that you don't ever want to try to land on one, unless you want to instantly burst into flame. Photos.comThough you could pretend you were that Nazi guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
But, scientists have recently discovered that's not always the case. Photos.comYou could be the first prostitute to work a star. How is This Even Possible? WISE 1828+2650 is part of a small group of cold stars known as brown dwarfs. Via Earthsky.orgNo, you're doing great, little guy. . #2. Via Wikimedia Commons Via VJkrishna.com"Y'all ain't shit. " Via WikipediaFatass. #1. Like this thing: 11 Useful Products Too Embarrassing to Actually Use. Imagine a car that runs on tap water and never breaks down or needs replacement parts -- would you drive it? We forgot to mention that it's shaped like a giant clown penis.
Humans are funny creatures -- we tend to shun any product, no matter how useful, if it makes us look ridiculous. That's why virtually none of you own ... #11. The GoateeSaver goateesaverWarning: No real woman will touch you while you wear the GoateeSaver. Once you make that life-changing decision to grow a goatee, facial hair won't just magically stop showing up in other areas of your face, you know.
Look at that woman's face up there. But no matter how much you adjust it, at best you look like the world's worst cyborg, and at worst like you tried to eat some tuna without opening the can. #10. HarrietcarterHis smile says, "Mildly amused," but his eyes say, "God is dead. " The worst part of getting a haircut (besides people asking "Did you get a haircut? " geekoramaOh look, they come in childhood trauma size, too! #9. . #8. 8 Terrifying Robots Now Stalking Your Local Hospital.
As has been mentioned before, we here at Cracked hold a firm belief that robots are out to get us. Little by little, day by day, they are inching up the slopes of Uncanny Valley in order to murder, eat or enslave us -- depending on which particular mad doctor's creations first gain sentience. Imagine our horror when we found out that science is actually giving robots more and more responsibility in the medical field ... because apparently, what the world really needs is robots specifically designed to understand the human body and interact with it. With knives. #8. Actroid-F, The Robot That Stalks You While You Sleep Therapy is not a concept commonly associated with robots, apart from them occasionally being the cause for it.
Above: Proof that robots have finally discovered Xanax. See, the manufacturers of the most advanced android in existence thought it would be best used as a hospital stalker. So let's say you're in a Japanese hospital. . #7. No, they can't seriously be thinking about ... 6 Classic Kids Shows Secretly Set in Nightmarish Universes. Children's cartoons usually present idyllic worlds full of innocence and wonder.
Even when there's some darkness, strife or conflict within them, the universes themselves are quirky, adventurous and just generally a hell of a lot more fun than this shitball we all spin around on. Except that's not always the whole story: If you dig a little deeper, you'll find that some kids' shows are actually taking place in dystopian hell dimensions that make our world look like Candyland. #6. Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? : Life in a Shattered Economy Scooby-Doo cartoons, in their many incarnations, are about four teenage friends and their dog who all travel around solving mysteries. It's not like the real world's justice system makes much more sense.
So, What's the Problem? The criminals are all super-geniuses, and not one of them can make an honest living. Almost every locale in the Scooby-Doo universe looks like the economy has just taken a nosedive. "Beep bop boop. See that? #5. . #4. 12 People Of Today As Remembered in Future Biopics Slideshow. 5 Real Skills Video Games Have Secretly Been Teaching Us. We've all been there: bored on a Sunday night, minding your own business and playing some video games, when some ostensibly more productive member of society happens by and asks, "Why are you wasting your time with that? Do something useful instead; nobody's ever learned anything from a video game.
" First of all, it's kind of your fault for playing Xbox at the Senior Citizen's Home for Narratively Convenient Dickhead Bystanders. Second: Well, that's just not true. Video games have been teaching us all sorts of skills for years now, it's just that we don't always think to thank them for it. #5. Timing In video games, as in comedy and premature ejaculation, timing is everything. Important note: While it's technically just called The Shadow Temple, any dungeon that incorporates both invisible walls and Floormasters should always be referred to with the "Fucking" prefix. Guillotine obstacles are most emblematic of the old-school Prince of Persia games.
. #4. Or as a doctor? #3. 6 Laws You've Broken Without Even Realizing It. None of us can claim with a straight face that we've never done anything illegal, be it speeding, drunkenly stealing a shrink-wrapped pickle from a bowling alley or hunting the homeless for sport. But on the whole, we're upstanding citizens. After all, it's not like we're out there breaking the law on a daily basis. Wanna bet? Because all of the stuff below is illegal in most of, if not all of, the United States. If you live outside the U.S., you need to double check to see if you can get jail time for ... #6. Due to the current popularity of tiny computers and man's relentless desire to watch nudity absolutely everywhere, Wi-Fi hotspot usage is on the rise.
GettyAnd by "email" we mean "hardcore dwarf BDSM porn. " Hell, if they left it unsecured, they probably WANT people to use it, right? Oh wait ... it totally can. Getty"I told you, all but one of those dwarfs consented! " What Did I Do?! Getty"Castle Doctrine applies to your home Wi-Fi network, right? " #5. It's copyrighted. . #4. The 5 Creepiest Advertising Techniques of the (Near) Future. You'll be exposed to around 6,000 marketing messages today, according to researchers. You're looking at a few right now.
Glance away from your computer and you'll see another one--a label on a bottle, a logo on a t-shirt, a billboard outside the window. But as pervasive as it is now, marketers are working hard behind the scenes to make sure it's much, much worse in the future. Doing things like ... Tracking Every Site You Browse and Every Show You Watch Market research used to be pretty simple. So how's a poor market researcher supposed to get a straight answer out of you?
What They're Doing: So for instance, your TiVo grants you the miracle of watch-on-demand television and skippable ads, but also tracks what you watch, right down to which scenes you rewound and replayed over and over. But of course the web is light years ahead of TV in tracking your surfing habits. No big deal, right? Speaking of AOL, they own a company called Tacoda which specializes in "behavioral targeting. " Why not? 5 Real Animal Friendships Straight Out of a Disney Movie. Cartoons notwithstanding, we are generally raised with the knowledge that animals kill one another. The process is messy, but it's all a part of an intricate balance; the death of one creature provides life for another. But just sometimes, vicious carnivores of the world take an appraising look at centuries of biological necessity, then turn their back on it and say, "Screw that noise, let's be friends. " #5. Snake Decides a Hamster Is Better as a Roommate Hamsters, like most rodents, are the meal of choice for many snakes.
So much so, in fact, that escaped snakes have been caught in hamster cages because their freshly gained hamster-shaped belly lump prevented them from slithering back out between the bars. And then there's Japan. Aochan is a Japanese rat snake held at a Tokyo zoo. So they took a female dwarf hamster, dropped her into Aochan's cage and waited for nature to take its course. Then pulled the blanket over his head and gave him a Dutch Oven. He was literally starving, sure. . #4. 7 Classic Movies You Didn't Know Were Rip-Offs. 5 Mind-Blowing Scientific Answers to Life's 'Big Questions' The 6 Most Ridiculous Superhero Weaknesses. 8 Classic Movie Robots That Actually Suck at Their Job.