How Love Works" If you've ever been in love, you've probably at least considered classifying the feeling as an addiction. And guess what: You were right. As it turns out, scientists are discovering that the same chemical process that takes place with addiction takes place when we fall in love. Love is a chemical state of mind that's part of our genes and influenced by our upbringing.
We are wired for romance in part because we are supposed to be loving parents who care diligently for our helpless babies. In this article, we'll find out what love really is and what happens in our bodies that makes us fall in love -- and ensures we stay there. We'll also look at what attracts us to someone in the first place. Is it their pheromones, or do they just fit the right "love template? " Sustainable Love - Tara Parker-Pope on Happy Marriages. But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together.
They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage. “The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, , social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.” The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? Not anymore. Dr. To measure this, Dr. While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr.
Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Why our relationships fail - Robin S. Cohen, Ph.D. How do we first begin to experience love? Perhaps as babies, as early psychoanalysts Fairbairn and Guntrip believed, the only way we could feel loved was by having our needs met. The language of bodily transformation was the language of love. Mommy feeds us, changes our diaper or picks us up and we feel satisfied. This feeling of satisfaction and security may be the early equivalent to feeling loved. Love becomes represented by how satisfied and safe our caretakers make us feel; how easily and well they transform our bad feelings into good ones.
This is not an unreasonable perspective– we do want our loved ones to be attuned to us and to care enough about us to do what they can to add to our lives. How can we negotiate this impossibly thorny paradox of love if we both believe deep down that we can only feel loved if someone loves us enough to be who we need them to be? D.W. Related Articles and Authors Tara Parker-Pope: The Happy Marriage is the “Me” Marriage Stephen Mitchell. D.W. Unspoken. I curse in session too regularly, and should probably be more ashamed of my potty mouth than I am. I can talk frankly about anything from money to masturbation without blinking an eye.
I can discuss the darkest sins, the deepest shames, give words to feeling states that are subtle, terrifying, violent, kinky, mystical and murderous. I can use and parse my counter-transferential, intersubjective, empathic and projectively identified responses through some pretty tricky co-created therapeutic enactments. But there is a word that I have almost never used Even, (actually, especially) when I am near bursting with it. I’ll speak all around it. I know as a patient, my attachment to my own therapist took many forms. I didn’t need to think much about how he felt about me – because he was kind and patient, He was honest. I didn’t think much about his subjective experience of connection to me, because I assumed that his behavior revealed how he felt for me. I had no need for him to say it or feel it. Elizabeth Gilbert on What the Porcupine Dilemma Can Teach Us About the Secret of Happiness. Buddha Buzz: Black Friday, Gray Mice, and White Wives.
Black Friday is upon us. And as we've come to expect with the arrival of our favorite American holiday, there have been huge sales, massive crowds, and the trampling of workers and pregnant women. Actually, those tramplings occurred three years ago. This year, the American public has moved on to a more popular method of violence: pepper spray. An unidentified woman at a Wal-Mart in Porter Ranch, California, pepper sprayed other customers in an attempt to keep them away from the merchandise she wanted. One wonders if she had been inspired by the UC Davis cop. Stories like these make me want to throw my hands up in despair. I mean, is a widescreen TV really worth more than the upholding of basic humanity? Nathan Thompson from Dangerous Harvests has some further thoughts: What I see in the folks buying cheap flat screen TVs, ugly sweaters, ties, useless plastic nick-nacs is a failure to experience love.
This band, for one, thinks our culture is a "destitute hell" (from their lyrics). Tricycle | Buddhist Wisdom, Meditation, and Practices for Daily Life. Why We Love: 5 Must-Read Books on the Psychology of Love. It’s often said that every song, every poem, every novel, every painting ever created is in some way “about” love. What this really means is that love is a central theme, an underlying preoccupation, in humanity’s greatest works. But what exactly is love? How does its mechanism spur such poeticism, and how does it lodge itself in our minds, hearts and souls so completely, so stubbornly, as to permeate every aspect of the human imagination? Today, we turn to 5 essential books that are “about” love in a different way — they turn an inquisitive lens towards this grand phenomenon and try to understand where it comes from, how it works, and what it means for the human condition.
No superlative is an exaggeration of Alain de Botton‘s humble brilliance spanning everything from philosophy to architecture. Essays in Love is precisely the kind of thoughtful, poetic, highly intelligent tome De Botton has grown famous for. Sample her work with this fantastic TED talk on the brain in love: Romance and Relationships Study: Nearly 25% of Men Take Just 'Seconds' to Fall in Love. Is love an addiction. In the early days of a new romance, it's oh so easy to let friends, work and other areas of your life fall by the wayside as you spend all of your time focused on your new love.
In many ways, this all-consuming love can be a lot like an addiction, with each condition characterized by a lack of control, or even a sense of obsession. When psychiatrist Donatella Marazziti studied the brain chemistry of people in love, she found that the levels of serotonin in their brains were much lower than normal [source: BBC]. In fact, people in love exhibited the same low serotonin levels as people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. Serotonin, a neurotransmitter found in the brain, is responsible for regulating mood, impulse control and even how we handle our inhibitions.
Fortunately, when Marazziti tested the same subjects a year later, she found that serotonin levels had returned to normal for the couples involved in her study. But what about those who can't seem to find love that lasts? Love Fitness: Are You in Shape for Your Next Relationship? by Joy Nordenstrom, CMM, MBA | The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com. As you jump into your workout, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, you are definitely on the right track—you are taking care of yourself, your body. This is an excellent step in becoming ready for love. As a certified matchmaker and love coach, I constantly hear the laundry list of what people want in a partner.
More often than not, the list includes someone who takes care of himself or herself inside and out, is attractive, emotionally secure, thoughtful and interesting. After hearing their list, I ask “What have you done or are doing to be the best lover and partner you can be?” If you are lucky enough to find your most perfect partner, will you be prepared to be their most perfect partner in return? The following are three vital secrets I begin with as I work with my clients to help them find and maintain a juicy, thriving relationship.
Fill up your inner joy. Think of yourself as a rechargeable battery. What makes you feel fabulous, stunning, creative, delicious? Love Is a Many-Splendored Painkiller | Discoblog. Goodbye Crazy Love, A Cure for Infatuation Junkies. The Neuroscience of Romanticized Love – Part 1: Emotion Taboos | Neuroscience and Relationships. True love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love…it is correct to say, ‘Love is as love does.’” ~ SCOTT PECK Romanticized ideals for love, and romantic love that leads to long term healthy companionship love with all the trimmings, produce two dramatically different outcomes. Many of the futile attempts of partners to get the love they want in their couple relationships today have to do with “romanticized love” ideals, infused into Western society during the Middle Ages.
These ideals, in effect, impose unfair expectations on men and women alike, with regard to what it means to be a “successful” man or woman. A few decades ago the idea of love as an addiction seemed absurd and controversial. What was once theory, however, is now proven science. Addictive relating stems from healthy inborn strivings to love and be loved, find value and meaning in life – and key relationships.
Authentic love nourishes, however. “Love is not a feeling. Beliefs are powerful. The Neuroscience of Relationship Breakups. "...Loves me, loves me not" An unexpected and unwanted breakup can cause considerable psychological distress. People report feeling as if they have been kicked in the stomach or blindsided and knocked down. Feelings of rejection and self-doubt are common, as is the feeling of being stuck and unable to let go, even when one wants to. Friends and family may push the person to get over it and move on, yet brain research suggests this can be very difficult to do, at least in the first few months.
B reakups and the Brain The research on relationship breakups in unmarried people (generally college students) gives us some clues as to why these events are so subjectively painful. fMRI of the brain during a breakup Our brains appear to process relationship breakups similarly to physical pain. Obsessive Thoughts & "Cravings" People who have recently been rejected by their partners often develop obsessive thinking. Hope and Resilience. Attention Is the Most Basic Form of Love. Attention is the most basic form of love. Through it we bless and are blessed. -- John Tarrant There is an epidemic ravaging the health and happiness of American families. We simply have no time for each other. All of our attention is paid elsewhere. One of the most common relationship concerns we have found in our Marriage Checkup study is that partners stop paying attention to each other in the struggle to accomplish the myriad demands of the day.
We are all, so many of us, so monstrously busy on a day-to-day basis that we practically tremble under the strain of it all. We attend to the needs of our children. And then, there are our parents . And it all takes time and attention. And then, finally, sometimes, through the fog, we catch a glimmer. If there is one thing I have learned in working with so many couples over the years, and of course living in my own marriage, it is that marriages don't whine, or squeak, or cry. Good grief! Our attention is pulled and yanked and split. Sexual Recovery from an Extramarital Affair.
During the last ten years there has been a revolution in understanding and treatment of extra-marital affairs driven by the seminal research and clinical work of Snyder, Baucom, and Gordon. Their book "Getting Past the Affair" is the gold standard of self-help books on this topic. I want to address a seldom discussed issue: sexual recovery from an affair. The traditional therapy model emphasized a hierarchical approach to treating affairs: 1. understand what caused the affair, 2. focus on the role of the "infidel" and effects on the "victim," 3. focus on feelings of betrayal, 4. work to rebuild trust, and 5. after a period of months or years explore couple intimacy.
The new therapeutic model features a "both-and" approach of making meaning of the affair for the "involved" partner, the "injured" partner, and the marriage , as well as an immediate focus on rebuilding trust , intimacy, and sexuality . I am not advocating affairs as a way to enhance couple sexuality. Enough with Evolutionary Biology! Let me tell you what kills the luster of life for me. It's the endless stream of evolutionary biological explanations for everything that happens between men and women! I was recently reading an article about the so-called "cougar" phenomenon: older women dating, and sometimes even marrying, younger men.
In the course of an otherwise reasonable argument, the author casually refers to the fact that scientists have determined that older women have higher sex drives than younger ones because they are desperate to take advantage of their waning reproductive years. In other words, even phenomenon - which I had always assumed to be the result of social progress and greater gender equality - comes down to wanting to have babies! Is there no escape from this? I like chimps as much as the next person. I can think of a dozen reasons besides reproduction for wanting to date younger guys. Older men dating younger women has been the norm for centuries.
How to Sync Up Your Heartbeat With Loved One's - Just watch them walk over burning coals. The Counterintuitive Secret to a Glorious Relationship. Research suggests that in love relationships, if you rub each other the wrong way more than once for every five times you rub each other the right way you're entering the danger zone. Partnerships start to degenerate when the ratio of positive-to-negative interactions gets below five-to-one.
Why so high? As I argue here , I suspect it's tied to what social psychologists call "Loss aversion. " Dashed expectations are felt more viscerally than met or exceeded expectations. Rationally speaking (because it is a ratio, after all) there are only a few ways to stay on the good side of the five-to-one ratio: 1. All four of these have their benefits and risks. One and two are touted as the virtuous choices: If you want a good relationship you have to give a lot, bring flowers, say nice things, keep it juicy, compliment each other, touch a lot, whisper sweet nothings and don't give each other a hard time. There are some risks though. 1. Such obliviousness is risky of course.