October 2011. Some people have a legitimate reason to feel depressed, but not me. I just woke up one day feeling sad and helpless for absolutely no reason. It's disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it - you can listen to sad music and imagine yourself as the protagonist in a dramatic movie. You can gaze out the window while you're crying and think "This is so sad. I can't even believe how sad this whole situation is. I bet even a reenactment of my sadness could bring an entire theater audience to tears. " But my sadness didn't have a purpose. Essentially, I was being robbed of my right to feel self pity, which is the only redeeming part of sadness.
And for a little bit, that was a good enough reason to pity myself. Standing around feeling sorry for myself was momentarily exhilarating, but I grew tired of it quickly. I tried to force myself to not be sad. When I couldn't will myself to not be sad, I became frustrated and angry. The Party. At some point during my childhood, my mother made the mistake of taking me to see an orthodontist. It was discovered that I had a rogue tooth that was growing sideways. My mom and I were told that the tooth, if left unchecked, would completely ruin everything in my life and turn me into a horrible, horrible mutant.
Unless I wanted to spend the rest of my natural life chained in a windowless shed to avoid traumatizing the other citizens, I was going to need surgery to remove the tooth. I was accepting of the idea until I found out that my surgery was scheduled on the same day as my friend's birthday party. But it was too late. I'm pretty sure my mom was just placating me so that I'd leave her alone, but somehow it was determined that the act of running across a park would indeed prove that I was recovered enough to attend the party. And then she would let me go to the party. I first started to regain consciousness while we were driving on the freeway. THE PARK!! I had to find my mom.
The God of Cake. My mom baked the most fantastic cake for my grandfather's 73rd birthday party. The cake was slathered in impossibly thick frosting and topped with an assortment of delightful creatures which my mom crafted out of mini-marshmallows and toothpicks. To a four-year-old child, it was a thing of wonder - half toy, half cake and all glorious possibility. But my mom knew that it was extremely important to keep the cake away from me because she knew that if I was allowed even a tiny amount of sugar, not only would I become intensely hyperactive, but the entire scope of my existence would funnel down to the singular goal of obtaining and ingesting more sugar. My need for sugar would become so massive, that it would collapse in upon itself and create a vacuum into which even more sugar would be drawn until all the world had been stripped of sweetness.
I had tasted cake and there was no going back. My tiny body had morphed into a writhing mass of pure tenacity encased in a layer of desperation. Hyperbole and a Half. How a Fish Almost Destroyed My Childhood. When I was seven, my family moved from suburban California to rural Idaho. In an effort to embrace Northern Idaho culture, my dad took me fishing at a lake near our house. I was really excited. Mostly because I thought that I would get to keep the fish I caught as a pet. My dad spent all day showing me how to thread a worm and cast a line.
Every second, I expected to feel a pull on my hook and reel in my new best friend. I was heartbroken. I was ecstatic! The fisherman set his bucket on the dock and let me pick out my fish. Once we got home, my dad went to take a nap and I carried my fish's bucket out into our backyard. I set my friend free in his new home and watched him swim around for awhile. After making sure that my fish was comfortable and happy, I went inside to make toys and furniture for him. An hour or so later, I proudly carried the things I made outside to give to my fish. As I got closer to the pond, I could already sense that there was something wrong.
WHAT HAD I DONE????