The 9 Most Racist Disney Characters These old Disney movies are a little bit like your aging Uncle Frank. Honestly, he means well when he points out that Will Smith is "well-spoken." It's just that he, like the assemblage of clips below, dates from a time when people were unfairly characterized by their ethnic background (the acceptable methods are, of course, religion, geography, sexual preference and income). The Merchant from Aladdin The opening musical sequence from the hugely popular 1992 animated film had to be edited due to protest from Arab-American groups for saying about the Middle East what most of us were merely thinking. Lesson Learned: The Middle East is a barren wasteland where the justice system runs on a clear and simple limb-removal policy. Best (Worst?) Sebastian from The Little Mermaid In this 1989 film, a Jamaican-sounding crab teaches Ariel that life is better "Under the Sea," because underwater you don't have to get a job. Lesson Learned: Are we reading too much into it? Still too subtle? Best (Worst?)
6 Sci-Fi Movie Conventions (That Need to Die) With the rebirth of the Star Trek franchise, sci-fi is a cash cow again. And while studios all over Hollywood are busy building model space ships and robots, we'd like them to pause for a moment and, you know, give the scripts a look. After all, there's a few arbitrary sci-fi rules that seem to turn up in all of these movies and, quite frankly, it's time to move on. The Ship is an OSHA Nightmare Two starships meet for battle and open fire. A photon plasma space torpedo slams into the hull. The battered crew can only wonder why, on a ship that has technology in place to keep them from getting splattered against the rear wall when it jumps to light speed (or stops suddenly), every impact shakes their world like a kid rattling a Christmas present. Why They Need To Stop: We know why they do it. And more to the point, why is the crew in an exposed spot at all? Don't tell us we're over-thinking this, damnit! The Futuristic Conversation Rule of Three Sulak? Why They Should Stop: The writers of Dr.
The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World Humans are like goats. We'll eat any damned thing. Just ask the people who make PowerBars. In fact, you'll find foods in this world that don't even seem possible. Not just that they could exist, but that people would actually stick this stuff in their mouths without a gun to their head. We've found six dishes that seemed to have sprung from Satan's own cookbook. From: Mexico. What the hell is it? The eggs have the consistency of cottage cheese. Wait, it gets worse ... Danger of this turning up in America: We're not sure Taco Bell hasn't snuck this shit into their food already. From: Sardinia, Italy. What the hell is it? Its translucent larvae are able to jump about 6 inches into the air, making this the only cheese that requires eye protection while eating. Wait, it gets worse ... Danger of this turning up in America: There is significant danger here, as we're thinking the cheese companies have a lot of maggot stock in the back of their warehouse they'd like to get rid of. From: Norway.
5 Reasons Star Wars Sequels Would Be Worse Than The Prequels If you grew up with the original Star Wars trilogy, you probalby went through a 15-year roller coaster that was something like this: You wished desperately they would make more movies; You groaned when you heard they were making prequels instead; You bought a ticket out of cautious optimism; You realized you were right the first time. If only they'd made sequels instead, dammit! We mean it. Undoing the Ending of Return of the Jedi As Seen In: The Thrawn Trilogy, X-Wing Series, Jedi Academy Trilogy and many more novels, comics and video games. Everything had wrapped up nicely at the end of Return of the Jedi. He's a collector's item. The Emperor's plan to recruit Luke to the dark side failed, and Darth Vader redeemed himself by dunking the raisin-faced bastard into the reactor core of the Death Star like Lebron James. "Bank of America is going to be pissed." Not So Fast... In the unofficial "sequel" stories, this happens: And the thing is, it's hard to argue with the idea. No. "Hey, we're on break."
The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Coincidences of All Time We have previously pointed out that the kind of coincidences you'd dismiss as bad writing if you saw them in a movie happen all the time in real life. In fact, history is full of bizarre coincidences that get downright creepy ... John Wilkes Booth's Brother and Abe Lincoln's Son Edwin Booth, perhaps unfairly known today as the brother of assassin John Wilkes Booth, was once upon a time known as the greatest actor in American history. In fact, certain theater historians and steampunk enthusiasts would probably argue that he still is today. His reputation as an actor was described as "mythic," and a statue of him stands in Manhattan's Gramercy Park to this very day. That's what having a brother who killed the freaking president gets you -- in his day, Edwin was as famous as George Clooney, as classy as Clive Owen, as lusted after as Johnny Depp and as awesome as Josh Brolin. ... and we bet that most of you have never heard his name before today. But there's something else ... That's right.
The 5 Stupidest Ways Movies Deal With Foreign Languages Sometimes people put foreign languages in movies. Aside from this being treasonously un-American, they hardly ever do it right. Here are some of the most distracting attempts: Foreigners Are Like Lassie Everyone knows the scene where Lassie barks at her family, and the family responds: "What is it girl? Timmy's fallen down the well again?" Fun discrimination fact: Every dog that played Lassie was male, due to male collies having a "better, fuller coat." For our purposes, the key point is that apparently Lassie's owners' intelligence is even more remarkable than Lassie's because they can understand dog language. Beneath the oppressive feet of the patriarchy. OK maybe Lassie shouldn't be expected to be able to speak English with her dog vocal cords. The one in the Mao hat. He doesn't speak a word of English. Even Scott Caan? Star Wars does the exact same thing for a number of characters: Chewbacca, R2D2, Lando's weird little copilot. That guy. This may be how aliens see Han. Universal Translators
8 Psychologically Traumatizing Kids Halloween Costumes I recently purchased three bags of apples, five packs of caramel wrap, and 100 razor blades, which can mean only one thing: it's Halloween time! A time when millions of children are at risk. Oh, not just those trick or treating at my door, but around the world. I'm talking about the mentally traumatizing affects of certain children's costumes. Seemingly innocent, merry disguises that lead to years of psychotherapy. Can purchasing the wrong costume for your child really cause mental illness? So here's a heads up on the top 8 Halloween costumes for causing psychological scars, replete with the faulty logic that leads to the parental purchase and the inevitable psychiatric opinion to follow years later. "Hmm, my little girl is growing, and while I can see a certain sexuality to the outfit, it's not very revealing. "Aw, fuck it. "Oh, look! "It's never easy to explain to a parent that their child is a furry, but I'm afraid that's what we're dealing with here.
4 Reasons We Need to Start Making Fun of Terrorists A lot of people have a strong interest in portraying terrorists as dedicated, evil badasses. Hollywood, is always desperate for proper bad guys. There are people who are trying to get you to vote for their terror safety laws or sell you terror safety equipment. When they convince us that they're dangerous Bond-level supervillains, we have to deal with minor airline travel annoyances. Governments and financiers will continue to see the terrorists as movie cops -- sure, they may be loose cannons and have to turn in their badges every couple months or so when they blow up some civilians, but dammit, they get the job done. Because they never look behind them. We're going about this all wrong, talking about how evil and dangerous they are. Most Of Them Are Nincompoops Cracked covered a bunch of Three Stooges-style terror plots a while back. But while those are particularly fantastic screwups, they aren't the exception, they're the rule. They're Mentally About 12-Years Old
5 Topics Guaranteed to Elicit (Condescending) Advice Do you know what is even worse than a touchy subject like cat declawing that suddenly turns everyone around you into the Hulk? A touchy subject that turns everyone around you into Dear Abby. Try mentioning any of the below things to a large group of people -- or just try not hiding any of these things from a large group of people -- and you will have so much condescending advice on your hands that you could, I don't know, build a really annoying house out of it. You'll be surprised at how many people you like and respect will suddenly turn into advice columnists from hell. #5. Diets / Weight Loss Just mention you are trying to lose a few pounds, and you will be inundated with Diet Experts. "Look, here's what you need to do." People who can't keep a pound off will be telling you to stay off carbs and eat all meats, and others will be telling you to banish meats and stick to carbs. "Midnight? Morning Banana would be a good name for a band. Like the Taco Bell diet. #4. Please. #3.