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Instrument Jokes

Instrument Jokes
Strings Woodwinds Brass Percussion Vocal Vocalist Jokes Folk/Rock/Popular Music and Instruments General Acknowledgement These jokes are a continually-growing collection, and unfortunately, I can no longer remember which jokes I heard from whom. Strings Violin Jokes What's the difference between a violin and a viola? There is no difference. What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? A fiddle is fun to listen to. Why are viola jokes so short? So violinists can understand them. How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching. How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune." Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate. Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)? Because all the assholes are in the first violin section. What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle. Viola Jokes Related:  Jokes

Dear blank, please blank. Dear world, It is best not to dwell on dreams. Sincerely, just live them. Dear "socially awkward" girls in my class, You are NOT socially awkward. Sincerely, a genuine forever alone that always ends up working alone in class and sitting alone at lunch Dear boys who find it awkward to buy condoms tampons etc Please don't. Sincerely, cashiers everywhere Dear Idiots, Please stop complaining when your parents tell you about starving kids in the world. Sincerely, eat your damn broccoli. Dear security guard, It was both annoying and adorable when you kept coming back to check on me working late in the college studio. Sincerely, the art student working on finals Dear Stacy, Your mom has got it goin' on. Sincerely, boys Dear ex boyfriend, I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you Sincerely, the girl you now ignore Dear girl who just called me fat, Please get your eyes checked. Sincerely, the insecure teenage girl somewhere between amused and severely offended Dear biased professors, Dear Teens, Dear TA, Dear bullies,

www.math.rutgers.edu/~lenci/jokes/chicken WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

100 Websites You Should Know and Use Entertainment Meet David Peterson, who developed Dothraki for Game of Thrones There are seven different words in Dothraki for striking another person with a sword. Among them: “hlizifikh,” a wild but powerful strike; “hrakkarikh,”a quick and accurate strike; and “gezrikh,” a fake-out or decoy strike. But you won’t find these words in George R. R. Culture My Year of TED: How 54 talks changed a life By Kylie Dunn What do you get when you cross a 39-year-old perfectionist with 54 TED Talks and far more honesty than any person probably needs to experience?

David Kaplowitz's Odd Time Page Note: I took this from this article on Wikipedia. I was really psyched about the article when I found it. At that time there were only 2 Zappa references in the whole article, which is sad in a discussion of odd times. So I started contributing as much as I could. Then it started turning into a silly "bigger is better" contest with some dunce (or a couple of dunces) adding up as many measures as they could count into one jumbo time signature. Yeah! While discussing this in the notes in that article, I was informed by another member of the wiki that Wikipedia's supposed to be about references to "established" or published authorities on the subject. Disclaimer: I have yet to verify much of this, so a lot of it is likely incorrect. Songs in 5, aka quintuple meter Songs in 7, aka septuple meter Mixed Meter Rush - Cygnus X-1: Intro, 13/8 (6+7). Rush - Limelight: Opens in 4/4, modulates to 7/4 for guitar hook, but goes to 6/4 for verses, then combines sections in 6/4 and 4/4. Other

TWO LITTLE BOYS from Joe Burton Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

Tablet full of crude jokes and riddles about beer is found - dating from the time of the biblical Exodus By Rob Waugh Updated: 16:52 GMT, 27 January 2012 Crude jokes, beer and a hearty disregard for politicians were part of life in ancient Mesopotamia - 3,500 years ago. A newly translated tablet from the area of present-day Iraq runs through a series of riddles which show that even in 1,500BC, people liked a puzzle. Modern audiences, though, should not expect to have their sides split - or indeed to solve any of the riddles, which are rather tricky (the riddles and their solutions are below). Cuneiform script as seen in a clay tablet, found at Tell-El-Amarna, Egypt: The location of the tablet of riddles is not known, and the study authors worked from a transcription from 1976. The museum it was in was looted during the 2003 Iraq war 'In your mouth and your teeth (or urine). Answer: Beer. 'The tower is high, but it has no shade.' Answer: Light. He gouged out the eye. Answer: A governor - the joke here could be that a governor is portrayed as executioner. Answer: Auxiliary forces.

Why Nikola Tesla was the greatest geek who ever lived Additional notes from the author: If you want to learn more about Tesla, I highly recommend reading Tesla: Man Out of Time Also, this Badass of the week by Ben Thompson is what originally inspired me to write a comic about Tesla. Ben's also got a book out which is packed full of awesome. There's an old movie from the 80s on Netflix Instant Queue right now about Tesla: The Secret of Nikola Tesla. It's corny and full of bad acting, but it paints a fairly accurate depiction of his life. The drunk history of Tesla is quite awesome, too. History.com has a great article about Edison and how his douchebaggery had a chokehold on American cinema.

Biography: Beethoven's life - Ludwig van Beethoven's website - Dominique PRÉVOT Beethoven's childhood At an early age, van Beethoven, took an interest in music and his father taught him day and night, on returning to the house from music practice or the tavern. Without a doubt, the child was gifted and his father Johann envisioned creating a new Mozart, a child prodigy. On March 26th 1778, at the age of 7 ½, Ludwig Van Beethoven gave his first public performance at Cologne. His father announced that he was 6 years-old. In 1782, before the age of 12, Beethoven published his first work, 9 Variations in C Minor for piano on a march by Earnst Christoph Dressler (WoO 63). In June 1784, on Neefe’s recommendations Ludwig Van Beethoven was appointed organist of the court of Maximillian Franz, the Elector of Cologne. At home, little by little, Ludwig replaced his father. Ludwig van Beethoven Music Prince Maximillian Franz was also aware of Beethoven's music and so he sent Beethoven to Vienna, in 1787, to meet Mozart and further his musical education.

Suitcase Stickers Take a stand against monotonous travel with Suitcase Stickers. Designed to stick to anything, they will draw attention to your bag making it easily identifiable and sure to make you some new friends. Caution: Some of these stickers may cause offense to airport and immigration staff. But you would have figured that out whilst enjoying those cavity searches. Buy here. April Fools' Day 2011 - Internet April Fools' Jokes It’s April Fools’ Day, and you know what that means: All of your favorite tech companies, geek brands, and publications have poured inordinate amounts of time and effort into messing with you. But do you want to be momentarily fooled by their messings-with, or, what’s worse, not see them at all as you browse the Internet today? No, of course not. ThinkGeek First off, everyone’s favorite geeky niche retailer is back with a slew of new must-have products that don’t actually exist, including the Playmobil Apple Store Playset (pictured above), Angry Birds Pork Rinds, and a Minecraft USB Desktop Nether Portal. The Googleplex This year, Google has done like a million April Fools’ jokes, some cleverer than others. Meanwhile, YouTube is showcasing the top viral pictures of 1911: And Chrome has rolled out Chromercise! Bonus: Google search for Helvetica: Google’s fonts team has been hard at work. Blizzard In-game screenshot: Just don’t call him “crab Clippy.” xkcd Doesn’t look too strange, does it?

Wind Map An invisible, ancient source of energy surrounds us—energy that powered the first explorations of the world, and that may be a key to the future. This map shows you the delicate tracery of wind flowing over the US. The wind map is a personal art project, not associated with any company. If the map is missing or seems slow, we recommend the latest Chrome browser. Surface wind data comes from the National Digital Forecast Database. If you're looking for a weather map, or just want more detail on the weather today, see these more traditional maps of temperature and wind.

BBC Proms 2012 www.cs.columbia.edu/sip/sipit/funeral.txt Dear friends, It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.

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