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Un guide pour les hommes qui ne veulent pas violer : comment s’assurer qu’elle est consentante et désirante

Un guide pour les hommes qui ne veulent pas violer : comment s’assurer qu’elle est consentante et désirante
Au hasard d’une promenade sur le web, je suis tombée sur un petit guide en suédois : Så blir du säker på att tjejen vill ligga med dig (« Comment être sûr qu’une femme veut coucher avec vous ?« ) Je l’ai trouvé pas trop mal fait. Une « fan » de ma page Facebook, Emilie a traduit les phrases. Merci beaucoup Emilie ! Vous pourrez le trouver sous la forme d’une page web. Remarque : ce graphique n’a pas vocation à être imprimé et utilisé scrupuleusement lors des relations sexuelles (incroyable n’est-ce pas ? Ce guide s’adresse à tout le monde. Je pense que ce guide n’est pas exhaustif : on peut encore se poser d’autres questions pour être bien certain que la femme qu’on a en face de soi désire ce rapport sexuel. Étymologiquement, « responsable« , ça veut dire quoi ? A l’inverse, l’agresseur est complètement déresponsabilisé : on ne lui demande rien. Pour reprendre un exemple récent qui avait choqué beaucoup de personnes : vous souvenez de l’article puant de la Dépêche ? Mise à jour J'aime :

No, It's Not OK to 'Steal Kisses' -- Here's Why | Soraya Chemaly People are up in arms because a 6-year-old boy in Colorado was suspended for "planting a kiss" on a girl in his class. Here is a fairly typical smattering of what people had to say: "The stupidity of school bureaucrats never ceases to amaze me." "Pretty soon, just making eye contact with the opposite sex will get you suspended." The boy kissed his classmate on the hand. What really seems to be bothering so very many people is the use of the term "sexual harassment," which is what the boy was suspended for. We're talking to kids about sex all day, every day, without ever saying the word. Situations like the one in Colorado arise constantly and are timeless. When I was 6 or 7 there was a popular playground game, "Kissin' Catchers." Like this one in which a boy in kindergarten was regularly poking a classmate and caressing her arm. Whiny little girls? Difficult, demanding mothers? Discrimination against boys? That's absurd. Schools are in a hard spot. Childhood is practice for adulthood.

How can men know if someone is giving consent (Part of How You Guys - That's Right, You GUYS -- Can Prevent Rape, and continued from Who are rapists, and where did rape even come from?) Sometimes, someone being raped will clearly say no and will NOT clearly say yes. They might say no verbally, with words, they might say no by crying, they might say no by physically trying to push away the other person or get away from them. They might try and change the subject from sex to something else, and some might try and make a deal with a rapist agreeing to a kind of sex they still don't want, but feel might be less traumatic, in the hopes that if they provide that, they won't be forced to do other things they want to do even less, or are afraid of more. There's a weird idea that's been out and about for hundreds and hundreds of years that it's normal for a female partner to "just lay there," -- and disturbingly, this has been a common complaint from heterosexual male partners about women -- or to be totally unengaged in sex. Yes is yes. consent

Mythcommunication: It’s Not That They Don’t Understand, They Just Don’t Like The Answer | I just read a paper from the discipline of conversation analysis. It dovetails nicely with what I wrote in Talking Past Each Other, and I’m going to go through some of the findings (I can’t redistribute the paper itself), and talk about some conclusions. Long story short: in conversation, “no” is disfavored, and people try to say no in ways that soften the rejection, often avoiding the word at all. People issue rejections in softened language, and people hear rejections in softened language, and the notion that anything but a clear “no” can’t be understood is just nonsense. First, the notion that rape results from miscommunication is just wrong. Rape results from a refusal to heed, rather than an inability to understand, a rejection. Kitzinger & Frith (1999) The paper I just read is Celia Kitzinger and Hannah Frith, Just Say No? Here’s what they find in a nutshell: [p. 295, emphasis mine.] [p.301.] [p.303, emphasis mine.] [p.309, emphasis mine.]. [p.311, emphasis mine.] Like this:

Under Duress: Agency, Power and Consent, Part One: “No” | A Radical TransFeminist This article contains discussions of rape, rape apologism and victim blaming. One survivor who previewed this article said they found a definition of rape used here “particularly triggering”. When rape apologists are using our models of consent to defend rape and to deflect feminist analyses, it’s at least worth considering the limitations of the models. This article is part one in a two-part series of articles examining the issues. Part One: “No”: Understanding consent as a binary is powerful because it allows us to say that “no means no”, a statement which has had and still has incredible power to change attitudes about rape for the better. However, it can make it more difficult for us to conceive of what else might mean “no”, as well as to distinguish between different kinds of “yes” given in different contexts. Part Two: “Yes”: Modern feminist views on consent have often been in conflict. The Basic Message If you’ve heard just one message about consent, chances are this is it.

The tyranny of consent Emily Witt’s recent essay, in which she describes traveling to San Fransisco, where she watches a BDSM porn shoot for a series called Public Disgrace, which depicts “women bound, stripped, and punished in public,” inspired a number of responses. Despite my, probably obvious, criticisms of both porn and the BDSM genre, in particular, the piece is a very good read (by which I mean, it is engaging and complex and thoughtful); although very, very graphic (by which I mean, don’t read it unless you wish to read very detailed descriptions of sadomachochism). He adds, accurately, that “the tenor and intensity of the event can’t be conveyed without reading the full rendering.” Granted, the scene sounds rather terrifying and one might ask, on what basis was “consent” given by this young performer. But interviewed after the shoot, the woman expressed genuine pleasure and enthusiasm about the experience. Believably, I might add. She signed an agreement.

Quelques réflexions sur la notion de consentement : Retour sur un concept sibyllin | Journal mobiles Le consentement est une notion complexe, différente en droit et en philosophie, questionnée depuis longtemps, critiquée par certains. La simplification extrême peut jouer des tours et fait oublier le contexte réel dans lequel un consentement est demandé et retirer une seconde fois leur voix aux victimes . Voici quelques de pistes de réflexion supplémentaires pour comprendre de quoi il s'agit. Le consentement est un concept qui a été étudié depuis le quatrième siècle av. L'article 273.1 du Code criminel définit la notion de consentement comme un « accord volontaire à l'activité sexuelle » (c'est moi qui souligne). Toile de Degas, appellée ''Intérieur'' et aussi surnommée ''le viol'' Philadelphia Museum of Art Avant de parler de consentement, il doit tout d'abord y avoir une prise de conscience de ce qui est en jeu. Pour qu'un consentement soit juste et éclairé la parti qui propose et celle qui consent doivent avoir les même bases d'analyse de la situation. Bibliographie

Only “Yes” Means Yes: Why Sometimes What You Think Is Consensual Sex Is Actually Rape What is consensual sex? Common knowledge states that it’s two adults who willingly agree to engage in sexual activity with each other. Sounds simple enough, right? Apparently not. When I googled the term “consensual sex”, I found many definitions of consent, and many definitions of what constituted a lack of consent but hardly anything on the phrase itself. This lack of clear definition seems to align with fact that some people still get it confused and end up raping someone without consciously intending to. So we need to teach both men and women that it’s still rape – intentional or not. What Consensual Sex Isn’t There an unfortunate belief that still lingers in our society — and even upheld by some laws in certain instances — that says unless the other person verbally says no or physically displays acts of resistance (i.e. Even though many women freeze when being sexually violated, which is as strong a defense mechanism as flight or fight. So What Is Consensual Sex, Really? 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

CONSENT IS SEXY Consentement et sexualité ! Compte-rendu de l’atelier ! Garçes, le collectif féministe et LGBTQI, a organisé un atelier mixte pour évoquer un sujet paradoxalement absent de nos discussions et de nos représentations sur la sexualité: le consentement. Le sujet a donné lieu à beaucoup de remarques et de réflexions de la part des participant.e.s. Nous avons choisi de garder une structure lâche et informelle qui colle mieux avec l’esprit de la réunion. Qu’est ce que le consentement ? Le consentement, c’est le fait d’être d’accord pour que son/sa partenaire fasse quelque chose, et lui faire savoir. Le consentement n’est jamais acquis et définitif : ce n’est pas parce qu’on dit « oui » une fois qu’on dira « oui » le lendemain, ce n’est pas parce qu’on a dit « oui » à une personne qu’on dira « oui » à une autre personne, ce n’est pas parce qu’on a dit « oui » à une pratique sexuelle qu’on dira « oui » aux autres pratiques sexuelles. Pourquoi s’interroger sur le consentement dans une réunion féministe ? Mais comment en parler ? ° En français :

Chronique du viol ordinaire (30/08/2013 by Artémise) « Quand une porte a été enfoncée, ensuite c’est difficile de la tenir fermée. » (une prostituée de quatorze ans, citée par Marro dans « La puberté » en 1902 et reprise par Beauvoir dans « Le deuxième sexe » volume deux) "Il faut aussi savoir que beaucoup de filles abusée deviennent des salopes car elles n’ont plus de respect pour elles mêmes" (un player, cité sur Tweeter par l’Elfe, 2013) Être en quelque sorte programmée pour servir, de temps à autre, de sac à foutre au premier clampin venu. On peut établir un parallèle avec les pulsions boulimiques, ou encore l’automutilation, voire certaines formes de toxicomanie. exemple de prédateur sexuel incapable de différer l’actualisation pulsionnelle Quand finalement je me laisse faire, silencieuse et immobile, parfaitement passive, ce « consentement » pèse plus lourd sur la balance que les multiples refus explicites qui l’ont précédés (verbaux et physiques). a. me cogneras b. m’étrangleras c. me lâcheras » Like this:

5 Ways We Can Teach Men Not to Rape I took part in a recent debate on Fox News’ Sean Hannity Show about whether women should just get guns in order to prevent rape. There I said the following: “I think that the entire conversation is wrong. I don’t want anybody to be telling women anything. As a rape survivor, the conversation about how to best combat rape and domestic violence is personal and can be very challenging. When I said that “We can prevent rape by telling men not to commit it,” I wasn’t expressing some simplistic, fantastical worldview. We need a cultural shift NOW. 1. Jaclyn Friedman author of Yes Means Yes, coined the term “enthusiastic consent,” which flips the traditional lens with which we view consent on it’s head. We need to focus on the messages that men are getting and about how they relate to women. “The really important thing about consent education, it’s not that rapists don’t know they don’t have consent it’s that everyone else is vague about it in their own lives,” Friedman tells EBONY. 2.

On the Difficulty of “Saying No” Kathryn Holmquist's little piece of horrific sex advice—sometimes, girls, it's "too late to say no”—has evolved into a more advanced discussion on this blog. The question: Why should women be required to say "no" in the first place? The "no means no" mantra that Holmquist is railing against is itself pretty old-school. "No means no" operates on the outdated assumption that men are the "scorers," women are the "gatekeepers," and the goal of every sexual encounter is for men to sneak past a woman's line of defense and get her to not say no. In this model, the default setting of women's bodies is "available." Only by verbalizing a "no" can a woman signal that her body is not up for grabs. On the other hand, "no" is still a really helpful tool for women to use when they must quite urgently communicate to a person that, actually, he does not own her body. “no” should be said, clearly, when the first unwanted interaction occurs. When is it difficult to say "no"?