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5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In the Bible

5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In the Bible
The image of an angel is so recognizable that you can immediately spot one if somebody makes its shape in some snow. They're sparkly people with two white wings and occasionally swords, who sit on clouds ripping out awesome harp solos while protecting humans from harm. So basically, the protagonists of the next Stephenie Meyer novel. The sex scene will be as unsettling as it is improbable. The Only Problem Is ... Now, there are angels in the Bible. *NOTE: that is a joke. There are several kinds of angels in the Bible and you've probably heard about some of them, like archangels, cherubim and seraphim. This is a seraph, trying with all its might not to burn you alive. Then there are the thrones, which are described in the Bible as "wheels within wheels," the rims of which are covered in eyes. Whatever it is, we're pretty sure it can see. Then we have the cutest order of angels, the cherubim. Actually Came From: Which apparently included "hair like a lady." Whaddya know? Related:  ChristianityHumor

Did Jesus really exist? Email Nailed: Ten Christian Myths That Show Jesus Never Existed at All Excerpt from NAILED: Ten Christian Myths That Show Jesus Never Existed At All Didn’t There Have to Have Been a Jesus? Most people have never heard of the ancient Greek mythographer Euhemerus, who first theorized that the gods of mythology were deified human beings, and their myths based on legends sprung from accounts of real people and events. Perhaps he was just a wandering teacher or an exorcist, an apocalyptic prophet or a zealot who opposed the Romans. Doesn’t it just make more sense to assume that there was a historical Jesus, even if we are unable to recover the real facts about his life and death? Christianity, like all religious movements, was born from mythmaking; and nowhere is this clearer than when we examine the context from which Jesus sprang. On the contrary, the closer we examine the official story, or rather stories, of Christianity (or Christianities!) Jesus vs.

6 Popular Monsters Myths (That Prove Humanity Is Doomed) Please note that this article is not resolving the question of life after death, but specifically the idea that after death you come back and wander around your house or cemetery as a translucent version of yourself. Been Around Since... Now here's a phenomenon even more universal than the zombie or the vampire. Dig into folklore from ancient China, ancient Europe, ancient Egypt, ancient anywhere, and you find ghosts. Humans have believed in ghosts for as long as we've had the brain power to believe anything. For the Love of God, Why? The whole idea of the deceased appearing as a blurry, pale form is thought to go back to cave men seeing a person's frosty breath on a cold day and thinking that was the magical stuff that kept them alive (after all, when a man dies, that pale stuff stops coming out). Granted, that theory also means ancient man thought that a bowl of soup had a soul, as well as dog turds. Thankfully that tradition has passed. The "People are Dicks" Factor: Too late.

5 Miracles Deleted From the Bible For Being Too Awesome You probably already know that the Bible you have on your lap as you fact-check Cracked articles has been heavily edited. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just that, as you can imagine, over the centuries lots of people have tried adding their own books to it, to advance an agenda or because they thought it would spice things up. The point is, there are whole other books that used to be part of the Bible, until someone took a hard look and said, "No way." And it's too bad, because some of the miracles performed in these apocryphal texts are freaking amazing. #5. John: Commander of Bed Bugs Wikipedia Early Christians considered The Acts of John to be the gospel truth, just like the Four Gospels and the fact that it's going to rain right after you get your car washed. Quinn Rooney/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images"And it came to pass that the LORD did a sick-ass back flip, and the panties did fly with the wings of a dove." #4. Comstock Images/Comstock/Getty Images Oh, shiiiiit. He died.

7 Things You Don't Realize About Addiction (Until You Quit) I got this voicemail from Cracked Editor-in-Chief Jack O'Brien two days ago: "John, we have a slight problem. Editorial agrees that you're more interesting when you're addicted to something, and since that whole alcoholism thing is over, we'd like you to start doing meth."There's also some porn-themed cocaine ice cream in there." It's been two days, and no such package has arrived. I don't blame people for not knowing that. #7. If I'm out doing errands and I run into someone I haven't seen in years, within 30 seconds they'll mention that I sound like a completely different person. The problem is it's easy to miss the drunk version of somebody, like that was the "real" them."Quick, someone shit on my chest! But when you sober up, that voice comes back. That's bullshit. Photos.comNo, that's not a good thing. #6. Most alcoholics run in drinking social circles."Sorry, but this place closes in an hour, and after that, I have to switch to mouthwash." #5. #4.

New Bible drops gender-neutral language of '05 version By Bob Smietana, The Tennessean The world's best-selling Bible is getting an upgrade. At stake are millions of dollars in publishing revenue and the trust of millions of churchgoers. Since its debut in 1978, the New International Version — known as the NIV — has been the Bible of choice for evangelicals, selling more copies than any other version. Translators hope their latest edition, which debuted online this month, will avoid a similar fate. It's available for preview at, with print versions expected in March. Wheaton College Bible scholar Doug Moo, head of the translation committee, said the group tried to create an accurate English Bible without ticking off readers. He thinks even critics will respect their work. "We really tried to get it right this time," he said. The Rev. "I felt like it spoke better to our generations," Polk said. In 2009, the NIV accounted for 28% of Bibles sold in Christian bookstores. Still, Phelan was a fan of the 2005 version. Moo disagrees.

The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible) What happens when you take a really skanky sex story and dress it up in a lot of flowery words? You get the Bible. Or large chunks of it, anyway. Sure, rather than using phrases such as "reverse frog squat," or "slinging manjam," Biblical sex is referenced almost exclusively as "coming in unto" (a phrase still used by porn stars who tend to drop the "in unto"). #6. Sunday school lessons tend to focus on God turning Lot's wife into a pillar of salt like she's starring in one of Sarah Connor's nightmares from T2. Something tells us Lot's daughters would lose any drinking game centered around "Never Have I Ever." "Say, I've got a neat idea." They were so eager to secure some seamen that they nearly polluted the genetic pool for all who came after them. To Make it Even Weirder... Speaking of people who might want to steer clear of drinking games, the Bible seems to blame the whole thing on booze, a strategy you'll recognize from work the morning after karaoke night. #5. #4.

5 Shocking Scenes You Won't Believe Are in the Bible It seems like for every person who has sat down and studied the Christian Bible cover to cover, there are several hundred who know only what they picked up from half-remembered Sunday school lessons and that Mel Gibson movie. So, as we've covered previously, many of the things we think came straight out of the Bible actually aren't mentioned in there at all. But if many of the most iconic features of Christianity aren't taking up space in the holy book, it makes one wonder just what, in fact, is in there. Well, for starters, there's ... #5. God Getting into a Wrestling Match With a Man (and Tapping Out) Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images What You Know If the Old Testament taught us anything, it's that God is one bad dude -- badder than Leroy Brown by a factor immeasurable, because He's freaking God. Digital Vision. What You Didn't Know If you're not a total novice, you know that one of the key figures early in the Bible is Jacob, aka the father of the 12 tribes of Israel. #4. #3.

The 7 Most Agonizing Sex Injuries on Record Sex! Now that I have your attention: SEX! We all love it, and the more painful, the better. A few people claim to prefer their sex painless. If that's you, stop reading now. I notice you're all still here. I like my women like I like my coffee -- hot enough to hurt me. #7. Easing ourselves into erotic agony, here's a nice nonpermanent injury everyone can relate to: being crushed by a falling tombstone while having sex in public inside a cemetery while visiting a dead relative. And really, we're with the dead relative who sent a tombstone tumbling onto her with ghost physics. New LineIf you didn't want to live in The Lord of the Flies, why did you pay a hundred thousand dollars for a useless education? Sorry, I went to a liberal arts school. Even I can admit that being dead is almost as bad as being a college student, since it lasts even longer. The Casualty: Wounded leg crushed by necromancer-toppled tombstone. Whee! How It Could Have Been Avoided: By finding a nice, flat crypt. The Legacy:

Governor: Only Christians are my brothers - War Room Robert Bentley, the new Republican governor of Alabama, delivered an oddly exclusionary message on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, the Birmingham News (via Political Wire) reports: ”I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor … I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. His press secretary later told the News, “He is the governor of all the people, Christians, non-Christians alike.” This is hardly the first time a Southern governor has gotten in trouble for making statements that offend non-Christians. “The United States of America is a Christian nation, which does not mean in any way to infer any kind of religious intolerance or any kind of particular dogma that that is being forced on anyone,” Fordice said. At that point, South Carolina’s Carroll Campbell stepped up to the lectern and hastily extended that point to include America’s Judeo-Christian heritage.

The 5 Most Unintentionally Gay Horror Movies At some point, possibly in the 80s, Hollywood decided that a good horror movie needed to be built on a strong foundation of homoerotic subtext. We're not saying it's a bad thing, this is 2009, after all. What we are saying is that their strenuous efforts to both cram in as much homoeroticism as possible, while avoiding actual gay characters or storylines, is the stuff unintentional comedy is made of. Summary: A handsome young man is targeted by vampires. After moving to the flamboyant new town of Santa Carla, Michael falls in with a crowd of bad dudes after being attracted by the gang's sole female member, Star. Michael follows Star back to the vampires' lair, where the leader of the pack, David, tricks Michael into swallowing some of his bodily fluids. Pretty soon, Star is nowhere to be seen, and Michael demonstrates his loyalty to vampire-Jack Bauer by jumping off a bridge. That's Rob Lowe, folks. Best Quote: "My blood is in your veins!" Wait, Are You Sure This is "Unintentional"?

The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses #3. Quote from: 1 Kings 18:24,38-40 That is how they used to do religious debates back in the day. The situation was that people of Israel had taken to Baal worship, a faith that added a lot of whores to its rituals and thus gained immediate popularity. Elijah (not the one with the bears, that was Elisha) decided that the people had to choose between Baal and God. Rather than write a series of books or give a bunch of boring speeches, Elijah invited 450 Baal prophets to a contest, where both sides would set up an animal sacrifice. It's brilliant in its simplicity, and we're surprised religious debates were ever carried out any other way after that. We like to think Elijah stood in front of the howling column of heavenly fire, straightened his robes, turned to the crowd and said, "Thus, my opponent's argument falls." #2. Samson could have dominated this list if we had let him. On this particular day, the Philistines had burned Samson's wife to death, and sent some men to capture him. ...

List of unusual deaths This is a list of unusual deaths. This list includes unique or extremely rare circumstances of death recorded throughout history, noted as being unusual by multiple sources. Some of the deaths are mythological or are considered to be unsubstantiated by contemporary researchers. Oxford Dictionaries defines the word "unusual" as "not habitually or commonly occurring or done" and "remarkable or interesting because different from or better than others Some other articles also cover deaths that might be considered unusual or ironic, including List of entertainers who died during a performance, List of inventors killed by their own inventions, List of association footballers who died while playing, List of professional cyclists who died during a race and the List of political self-immolations. Antiquity[edit] Middle Ages[edit] Renaissance[edit] 18th century[edit] 19th century[edit] 20th century[edit] 1920s[edit] 1950s[edit] 1960s[edit] 1961: U.S. 1970s[edit] 1980s[edit] 1990s[edit]

Spiritually Unfit- FORCED to hear about Jesus from Chaplains | Rock Beyond Belief I just received this chilling letter from a Soldier who recently took the mandatory Soldier Fitness Tracker test, shared to me with permission, from the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF). The name has been withheld out of fear, but I’m assured that this matter is being worked very hard. [note: emphasis mine, and I broke it into paragraphs, as the email communication garbled the formatting.] Before I tell you, Mr. Weinstein and the MRFF of my total outrage at the U.S. Army for grading me as a “Spiritual Fitness failure”, I will tell you a few things about myself. Whoever this Soldier is, my heart and thoughts go out to him/her. If I could say just one thing to this soldier, it would be this: “Telling your story is a courageous thing to do. I think it’s time to give up the (Holy) ghost. ***Update 18 January 17:45 *** As this post went viral, there were a lot of things brought up and irrational complaints being lodged. One of the standard tactics they employ is denialism.