5 Reasons The Internet Could Die At Any Moment The Internet was originally invented to be a communication network that could survive a nuclear war. Ironically, the monster that grew from that idea known as the World Wide Web is actually very, very fragile. They didn't anticipate what the Internet would become--because they weren't fucking insane--and as a result, the whole operation now sits on a rather shaky foundation. #5. The Catastrophe: Considering how much people freak out when a single big site goes down (everyone remember the Great Gmail Outage of '09?) "It must be pretty bad. But the truth is, the Internet travels from continent to continent by way of a network of trans-oceanic cables, each thousands of miles long and only as thick around as a thumb. Since these cables are the backbone of a huge portion of the global economy, they must be pretty well protected, right? We're pretty sure AT&T has at least one of these at their disposal. Actually... As it turns out, the cables aren't protected at all. So What Can We Do? Nothing.
9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think The English language is under assault by stupid people who use words they don't understand, and is defended by pompous asses who like to correct those people. We're not sure who to side with. So, here are some words that you'll see used incorrectly on a daily basis, and a helpful guide as to just how big of a dick you'd have to be to correct people on it. People think it means: Regardless. Actually means:Not a damned thing. This is not a word. Should you care? Dick Rating: As in, "How big of a dick are you if you insist people use it the right way?" People think it means: To skim over or browse something. Actually means:Almost the opposite of that. Peruse means "to read with thoroughness or care." Should you care? "What are you doing, Chris?" So, perhaps the best thing is to just lead by example and start using the word correctly yourself. "Hey Sharon, What's Chris doing?" Dick Rating: People think it means: Any kind of amusing coincidence. Should you care? "I just pooped in your aquarium!
7 Legendary Acts of Petty Revenge Everyone gets pissed off sometimes. Occasionally, even the most even-headed among us will overreact in childish ways, such as locking your boyfriend out of the car or calling your girlfriend "the Devil." But there are some people who take petty revenge to dizzying levels of perfection. Getting a Bunch of Scientists to Sign a Paper Saying You're Stupid Being a scientist has to be tough. Via WhatWouldOakleyDo"Whatever. When it comes to dealing with people who believe in creationism, it's got to be especially tough. Creationists tend to be less resigned, and often try to prove the legitimacy of their theory by compiling lists of scientists who doubt evolution. GettyIt was exactly as relevant as a Flogging Molly set list. Deciding they'd had just about enough of this bullshit, The National Center for Science Education decided to compile a list of their own -- one with very, very strict guidelines. Via Universe TodayLike building this. Putting a Bear on Your Property GettyThat's right.
5 Popular Safety Measures That Don't Make You Any Safer It's so hard to think logically about safety. We figure that any time our health or the safety of our children is at stake, it's better safe than sorry. Our safety is too important for logic, damn it! Unfortunately, this leads to a whole lot of well-publicized and expensive safety measures that are often worthless, or downright dangerous. Airport Security Measures After 9/11, we knew that stopping terrorism would take a bold, creative strategy, one flexible enough to adapt quickly to changes in tactics. And America was saved forever. Thus the no fly list was established. But while those two anonymous passengers were terrifying enough to ban from flying over America, they weren't enough of a threat to be worth arresting. Is it weird that we're more afraid of this man's beard than of terrorists? And that wasn't an isolated incident. Well, unless you count those 11 terrorists in England with the sophisticated plot to blow up planes with liquid explosives. "$150? Presumably, Mr. Safe. Mr.
5 Unexpected Downsides of High Intelligence You know that phrase, "Ignorance is bliss"? There's a reason it's stuck around all these years. Because having the upper hand in intelligence might give you an advantage in some areas, like crossword puzzle solving and quantum physics-ing, but it also might just screw up your life forever. Note: Stephen Hawking can talk about how dangerous AI will be in the future, but we're not worried. Because, as this Cracked Classic shows, the more dangerous dangerous robots gather, the more they'll sabotage their own well being, until all the Terminators work themselves to death while the ED-209s drown their inadequacy issues in robo-whiskey. For instance, if you're smart ... #5. Getty Recently, scientists discovered a quirky side effect to having a high IQ: You tend to stay up until later hours and get up later in the morning. Photos.comAnd spending reports. So let the early birds keep their measly worms. So What's the Problem? Well, being a night owl does have some negative side effects. #4.
5 Guilty Pleasures The Web Killed While You Weren't Looking We're guessing not a single person reading this would be willing to take a time machine and go back and live in the pre-Internet era. Some of us start showing signs of physical withdrawal within 10 minutes of losing our iPhone. Yet... there are things we miss about the world before the World Wide Web. Guilty pleasures that a less connected world used to let us get away with. The odds are none of you have ever, say, robbed a liquor store or assassinated a public figure. But we've all broken the law, if only to sneak a beer before the statute said we were old enough, or to paint a dong on an abandoned bridge. Ah, but now you're living in the future, where the cops can use the miracle of social networking to nail you for crimes you didn't think anyone really gave a shit about. Let's say you've gone off to college and, though you're still two years under age, you attend a party and have 27 beers. It turns out the cute girl was actually a cop. Hiding Your Stupid Past Grandpa, 1938. Mom? "Huh.
5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we like to call a real, live, undead fucking zombie. So there. Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse: Think about it. How long until somebody tries this? As seen in... What are they? How it can result in zombies: Scientists have already created a nano-cyborg, by fusing a tiny silicone chip to a virus. According to studies, within a decade they'll have nanobots that can crawl inside your brain and set up neural connections to replace damaged ones. Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse: Do the math, people. Some day there will be nanobots in your brain. The nanobots will be programmed to self-replicate, and the death of the host will mean the end of the nanobots. Now, it should be more than clear by this point that our goal is to be responsible researchers. Science has proven it. David Wong is the author of the equally plausible horror novel John Dies at the End and the upcoming This Book is Full of Spiders, available for pre-order now.
The 5 Least Romantic Keys to a Happy Relationship Any old talk show psychologist can give you the business about date nights and fetish gear to keep the spark alive. That's Talk Show Psychologist Tips For Romance 101. But it takes a ballsy renegade to have the guts to let you know that saving a relationship might be about imagining the most romantic solutions possible -- then doing the opposite. That ballsy renegade is us. #5. So it's been a long week at work, both of you are stressed out and when you do see each other, you end up fighting like rabid monkeys. GettyNo line to the women's toilets will ever come between you! Or not. Wait, What? This one sounds painfully obvious when explained, but we'll be damned if we can't think of a couple who doesn't make this mistake. Studies show that it is actually better to keep your fun time separate, especially when it involves a hobby that one partner likes and the other just tolerates. GettyLike sleeping with other people. Getty"Wait, how did I get on this boat? Getty"Hey, honey. #4. #3.
The 10 Coolest Foreign Words The English Language Needs Have you ever blurted out, "Wow, that guy is just so...so..." and then were left floundering with nothing to say? Well, it's not always your fault. English doesn't have words for every situation, or even the ones that happen every damned day. Fortunately, other languages usually do. Bakku-shan (Japanese) Means: A beautiful girl... as long as she's being viewed from behind. Say you're in a bar, and you look over to see the most incredible sight you've ever seen: a tall, slim woman with a waterfall of dark copper hair, an ass like a fresh peach in shrinkwrap and legs all the way down to the floor. That's when she turns to look at you. Bile rises in your throat. Congratulations, you have just been a victim of bakku-shan: a girl that looks attractive from behind, but not from the front. Truly the Japanese have a talent for coming up with words to describe common social situations so succinctly. Espirit d'escalier (French) When you think of the perfect verbal comeback... much too late.
10 Words and Phrases You Won't Believe Shakespeare Invented Shakespeare invented more words than most people even know. Seriously, there's at least 1,500 different words and phrases that don't appear anywhere prior to the Bard of Avon putting them on paper. When he got stuck trying to think up a word, the man just made his own. It's kind of like what rappers do today, except the words Shakespeare made up got embedded into our culture and have formed the cornerstone of our discourse, rather than being obnoxiously spouted by white college students trying to be ironic. First Used: A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act III, Scene ii, Oberon to Puck. "Then crush this herb into Lysander's eye; Whose liquor hath this virtuous property, To take from thence all error with his might, And make his eyeballs roll with wonted sight." Translated: "Grind leaves and shit into that guy's eyes until he goes blind." Where We'd Be Without It: Totally unable to explain where we sniped this guy in Call of Duty 4. As You Like It, Act II, Scene vii, Jaques to Duke Senior.
6 Everyday Words With Disturbing Alternate Meanings So the whole news world was up in arms recently because of this newscast referring to Barack and Michelle Obama "fisting" each other in the White House, the speaker blissfully unaware of the unsettling slang definition of the term. And while we can all laugh at that lady and her obliviousness, the truth is there are all sorts of everyday words that, in the right crowd, will draw the same muffled laughter as the fisting gaffe up there. Such as... You Know It As: A small, quaint house favored by the idle, rich, hobbits and humans in Warcraft. But It Can Also Be: A public urinal that is used for homosexual intercourse, as well as the arrangement of some. "I think my favorite part of pissing is that we get to have sex with each other afterwards. Wait, What? "Cottaging" has a rich and storied history, dating back to the turn of the 20th century. How To Use It In A Sentence: "So Vince, Todd, Blake and I were all thinking about getting a cottage together. You Know Them As: But They Can Also Be: No.