6 Things From History Everyone Pictures Incorrectly It's a running theme here at Cracked that a lot of what we think we know about history has been filtered through many centuries of utter bullshit. Our image of the past is largely made up of Hollywood inventions, propaganda and uneducated guesses. So you will probably be surprised to find that... Note: We don't want to be cruel, but your life is pretty much the most boring life that could possibly exist. First off, you probably won't ever see the apocalypse, and if you do, it won't be anything like the movies have taught you. No, if you want adventure, the only reliable place to look for it is in the past -- only you've got all that shit wrong, too! The Perception: We get so busy being amazed by the Pyramids, with their massive, meticulously layered sandy golden bricks, that we forget that what we're seeing are the broken-down remnants. The Reality: What we think of today as the Pyramids are really just the exposed layers of the structural base. Pharaohs liked tacky shit?
The 5 Most Famous Musicians Who Are Thieving Bastards Every artist "steals" a little, whether they realize it or not. For instance, we talk about how some musician was "influenced" by music they grew up with, even if sometimes that influence consists of outright stealing and/or barely remixing a classic. That's just the way it works. But sometimes, it's even more blatant than that. In fact, some of the most successful musical acts in history based huge chunks of their careers entirely on plagiarism. Like... Led Zeppelin are remembered for two things: banging a groupie with a mudshark and recording songs that rocked harder than any band had ever rocked before. Don't believe us? A young Jake Holmes played a song of the same name (and chords, and lyrics kind of) at a show in 1967 where he was opening for The Yardbirds, who featured--say it with us! But who cares, right? Gross. Too bad they jacked that shit too. How did nobody notice that? They never did. In hip-hop, there are two schools of thought when it comes to sampling. Dicks.
5 Ways Your Brain Is Tricking You into Being Miserable Your brain contains more than 100 billion neurons that flawlessly work together to create consciousness and thought. It is an astonishing marvel of evolution and adaptation, and it is also a huge dick. What do we mean by that? #5. Pixland/Pixland/Getty Images At some point in the last year you've spoken to a woman with supermodel looks who would not stop talking about how horrible it was that she had gained half a pound or had a faint pimple on her forehead. Brendon Thorne/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty ImagesSeconds after this photo, she started ringing the bell frantically and shouting, "Sanctuary! But of course, we all do it to varying degrees -- you might pass 5,000 cars on your morning commute, and 4,999 of them might be perfect, polite drivers. Researchers have found this in a laboratory setting: They can show participants pictures of angry and happy faces, and the participants will identify the angry faces much faster than the happy ones. Photos.com"This is bullshit. #4. Sure.
Norton I, Emperor of the United States Joshua A. Norton So much has been written about Emperor Norton, and interest in this ninteenth-century character continues into the twenty-first century. Many of the “decrees” attributed to Norton I were fakes; written in jest by newspaper editors at the time for amusement, or for political purposes. September 17, 1859 – Joshua A. December 2, 1859 – Norton I dismissed Gov. February 1, 1860 – Decree from Norton I ordered representatives of the different states to assemble at Platt’s Music Hall to change laws to ameloriate the evils under which the country was laboring. July 16, 1860 – Decree from Norton I dissolved the United States of America. October 1, 1860 – Decree from Norton I barred Congress from meeting in Washington, D.C. February 5, 1861– Norton I changed the place of his National Convention to Assembly Hall, Post and Kearny, because Platt’s Music Hall had burned. October 1863 – Death of Lazarus, Emperor Norton’s dog. January 10, 1880 – Norton I was buried today at Masonic Cemetery.
9 Famous Movie Villains Who Were Right All Along Being a movie villain is not easy. Nobody respects your work, everyone loves your sworn enemy, and cheers if he straight up murders your ass. Of course, the villains deserve it, right? Well, actually Hollywood is littered with supposedly evil characters that, when you take a step back and ignore the cackling laughter and yellow teeth, were clearly the ones getting screwed over. Here are the so called bad guys who got the rawest deals of all: #9. The "villain": Mr. Above: The eyes of an educator. Hold on a minute there: Let's get the obvious out of the way: this is his goddamned job. The movie glosses over the fact that Ferris couldn't read And you know what? And we're asked to sit back and say, "serves him right for caring about the future of our country!" Suddenly the recession makes sense. #8. The Night of Broken Glasses would end differently. If they require licenses for concealed handguns, they should probably keep this guy on file too. And what happens when he can't? #7. Simba: Wow... #6.
6 Insane Disney Comics You Won't Believe Are Real Is it unfair to judge old cartoons by the standards of the 21st century? Probably. Is it still amazing to see that there was a time when Disney had no problem depicting Mickey Mouse getting venereal diseases and attempting shotgun suicide? You bet! All of the below comics are real and unaltered. #6. Photos.com Comics can be a great educational tool, but we'd like to think there's a spectrum of possibilities that lie between "Let's make a public service announcement about disease" and "Let's give Mickey Mouse an STD." Via Cartoonbrew.com"I can help you with the clap, Mickey, but I'm afraid the herpes is here to stay." We get that they wanted to teach as many people as possible about the new drugs, but perhaps Popeye would have been a better fit for this sort of thing. Via Cartoonbrew.comIs it Judas? Via Cartoonbrew.comYes, "blitzkrieg" was absolutely the best word to use in this context and period in time. Via Cartoonbrew.com"Oh God, mops! #5. Getty Not definitive enough for you? #4.
7 Insanely Advanced Weapons History Somehow Forgot About As we have mentioned before, technological breakthroughs aren't always built upon or improved -- oftentimes they're just outright forgotten, destroyed or lost to some ridiculous accident. The same goes with military technology. Some ancient weapons were literally centuries ahead of their time yet wound up in the trash when society decided they were simply too awesome for their time. Like ... 14th-Century Cruise Missiles As you're about to find out, the Chinese have a knack for inventing truly awesome things and then forgetting all about them. The Chinese also invented tofu, but that's barely interesting enough to deserve a caption. These 14th-century weapons took inspiration from another weapon, fire-birds, which were actual birds that were outfitted with small pouches of smoldering embers around their necks and released into enemy cities. But seriously, birds are the worst. Hopefully it was a little less conspicuous than this picture would have us believe. Made from real tigers.
5 Ridiculous Gun Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks to Movies) Even in gun-crazy America, most of us aren't shooting things as part of our day-to-day routine. So most Americans actually know very little about guns. Hollywood writers realized this a long time ago and, being writers, used it as an excuse to never do any fact-checking ever again. Silencers Turn Gunfire Into a Gentle Whisper Where You've Seen It: In The Line Of Fire, Die Hard 2, No Country For Old Men, Shooter, practically every James Bond movie. The Myth: Cautious spies and assassins know that if you're going to take out a bad guy in an office or a library, be sure to use a silencer. Above: Stealth. Itty-bitty handguns aren't the only things you can silence. Also, while silencers look all slick and expensive and fancy, Hollywood says pretty much any long, hollow tube will do the job. The Problem: Exploding gunpowder is loud. If you can't watch the video, let us sum it up: It still sounds like a freaking handgun. So a silencer really just makes a large gun sound like a smaller gun.