Shitmydadsays (shitmydadsays) - shitmydadsays

Justin Samuel Halpern was born in a tiny fishing village called “San Diego.” There he spent most of his life being yelled at by his father. Then he transcribed those things on a twitter page called “@shitmydadsays.” Then he wrote a book of the same name. You can buy his first book, Shit My Dad Says HERE.

Oh dear lord! Bees! I am visiting my family in Florida for the holidays. I was chillin at my sister's house when we looked out back and noticed a swarm of honeybees congregating on their swingset. There are a lot of kids around, including my sister's 3 kids. They were inside at the time, fortunately. Fuckin Bees! A few minutes later they had calmed down. This is where the bees were coming from. The neighbor called a bee removal company and they said they wouldn't come out unless we paid a hefty fee, but he did recommend waiting until dark and go buy some stuff from Home Depot and squirt them with it and that should kill them off. Well that plan was OK except for 2 things. 1 was that my sister's husband is crazy. So we did the next best thing. My bro in law chucks a tennis ball at the clump of bees, that was the size of a basketball. That was pretty boring, so we decide to try something a little bigger.... Yeah, a 40lb trailer hitch for a Dodge Caravan. CLANG! Pile O Bees Fill 'er up! The Aftermath. Update 2:

Operating Systems Tech Support: "May I ask what operating system you are running today?"Customer: "A computer." A girl walked into the computer center where I work. She said she was having problems with her Mac. Tech Support: "What operating system are you running? After conferring with her husband, it turned out she owned a Macintosh with System 8.1. Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you running?" A kid in my class joined a conversation I was having about older computers. Him: "I have the oldest Windows ever at my house. Tech Support: "What operating system do you run?" Tech Support: "Do you know what operating system you're on?" Customer: "I don't use DOS. One time I had to walk a Windows 95 user through a particular procedure. Me: "First you need to open DOS-prompt. My Friend: "I just installed Windows 98." My Friend: "What's your operating system?" Friend: "I heard about this thing called 'Linux'." Friend: "Does Windows 98 support Linux?" Customer: "Do you sell Mac OS X for Windows?" I went pale.

Dropsy the Clown Get the game for Mac, PC, and Linux! Shipping in November. Get the game, Original Soundtrack by Chris Schlarb, Beta Access, and a special Book of Secrets! Color to rad music as you help Dropsy navigate Atlantis in this 16 page choose-your-own-adventure coloring book! Illustrated by Joe Badon. Music by Jay Tholen.Shipping in April. The Perfect Man and the Perfect Woman Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman survived. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling****. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.