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Funny Quotes and One-Liners

Funny Quotes and One-Liners
As powerful as inspirational quotes can be, sometimes we just need a bit of humor to lighten up our day. For those occasions, funny quotes and one-liners are quite effective, especially when they poke fun at our everyday annoyances, whether it be politics, work, aging or marriage. Not content with finding these humorous quotes on only bumper stickers, we set out to put together a list of them. After browsing through quotation websites like Quotery, Wikiquote, and BQ for a couple hours, we were able to find quite a few gems. Below, you’ll find the Top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners that are sure to put a smile on your face. 1. ”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? 2. 3. 4. ”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” - Unknown 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. ”If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam Levenson 17. 18. 19. 20. Like what you read? Related:  Funny

college.essay This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU. 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. Lots of Jokes - Anger Management When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it... I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, And put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

$50 Reward for The Original Set Of Dungeons & Dragons Dice (All Pink) I am looking for these dice. I am offering the reward as payment to purchase the dice. The dice for this game will be added to the Guinness record worlds largest collection of dice. ... ... Here are some details about this reward: 1) The Reward is for locating and supplying the die / dice in question. If you do not wish to supply the die / dice .. but are able to supply a resource where the die / dice can be acquired for the 'reward' price ... a 'finders fee' will be offered 2) I watch EBAY regularly for DICE .. but not specifically for each game listed 3) I only need the dice ... but it would be nice to also have the box ... so I can add information to 4) A lower reward may be considered if a complete set cannot be found. 5) Images were acquired from ... 7) Some photographs may contain multiple pictures of the die / dice ... this is done for clarity unless otherwise noted in the photo.

How to Crush Self-Doubt and Become an Epic Human Being Recently I was looking at some epic blogs written by amazing people. This made me sick. I looked at pitiful old Empty Fist and thought: “My design isn’t as sexy … I don’t have very interesting things to share … There’s no way I’ll never be able to write like that… My blog is just not good enough A wave of self-doubt hit me. Between the two of us, I’m not the only one who has felt the pangs of doubt, am I? This doubt can be destructive: it ruins our productivity, happiness, and zest for life. If you’re looking for some trite feel-good quotes to hide your doubts under the rug until tomorrow, search Google. Become the World’s Best [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE] As I was looking at those sickeningly-good blogs this week, one thing struck me. You can’t succeed by copying someone else’s style. Isn’t that encouraging? Leave Comparison Shopping to the Websites Have you ever bought something online and used the comparison feature? Self-doubt always and only arises out of comparisons with others.

Untitled Document Angry squirrel I don't know who wrote this, but he tells it quite visually and it's sure worth a laugh or two...If nothing else gives you a good belly laugh this year this will and will last the whole year. I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. I grabbed for him with my left hand. It really should have. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. Torque. Picture a new scene.

True Facts Facts - interesting, provocative, well-seasoned One out of ten children in Europe are conceived on an IKEA bed. Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. The youngest pope was 11 years old. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner. They have square watermelons in Japan - they stack better. Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

The 9 Manliest Names in the World Our culture is full of manly men doing manly things. And those men, invariably, have manly names. John Rambo. John Matrix. John McClane. Hollywood writers know what side their bread's buttered when it comes to first names. But, then there are those real-life men walking around who, by design or coincidence, have been gifted with names so manly you'd expect their penis to rip free of their pants and attack passersby. #9. The Name: It's impossible to hear this name without picturing many men getting impaled on a battlefield. The Man: Some will argue that we should have gone with the guy who walked on the moon instead of the guy who rides bikes for a living. Anyway, Lance got cancer in his testicle, abdomen, lungs and brain, and then, instead of curling into a little ball and giving the hell up like a lot of us might have, he beat the cancer (in our imaginations, with a hammer). Then, he went on to win the Tour de France seven consecutive times. Does He Live Up to It? #8. #7. Great name.

8 Things Everybody Ought to Know About Concentrating “Music helps me concentrate,” Mike said to me glancing briefly over his shoulder. Mike was in his room writing a paper for his U.S. History class. Mike made a shift about every thirty seconds between all of the above. Do you know a person like this? The Science Behind Concentration In the above account, Mike’s obviously stuck in a routine that many of us may have found ourselves in, yet in the moment we feel it’s almost an impossible routine to get out of. When we constantly multitask to get things done, we’re not multitasking, we’re rapidly shifting our attention. Phase 1: Blood Rush Alert When Mike decides to start writing his History essay, blood rushes to his anterior prefrontal cortex. Phase 2: Find and Execute The alert carries an electrical charge that’s composed of two parts: first, a search query (which is needed to find the correct neurons for executing the task of writing), and second, a command (which tells the appropriate neuron what to do). Phase 3: Disengagement 1. 2. 3. 4.

The Cephalopod Monster Secretly Living in Your Attic Requests That You Take this Brief Survey. Please rate the following statements on a scale from 1-5, where 5 is strongly agree and 1 is strongly disagree. I feel totally fine and comfortable when I imagine a room in my home full of writhing tentacles. I understand that the presence of a giant, squid-like monster in my home is necessary for world class cable and internet service at unbeatable prices. I feel totally fine and comfortable when I imagine only one or two fairly smallish tentacles that aren’t so much writhing as wiggling like a baby’s toes, if the baby’s toes were 94 cm long. I do not associate a room full of writhing tentacles or two cutely wiggling tentacles with Comcast, Comcast Business, or the Xfinity Triple Play. The one time I saw a tentacle dangling from the ceiling in the mirror and then turned around and the tentacle was gone, I felt totally fine and comfortable, and I did not associate that experience with Comcast, Comcast Business, or the Xfinity Triple Play.

Collected Quotes from Albert Einstein [Note: This list of Einstein quotes was being forwarded around the Internet in e-mail, so I decided to put it on my web page. I'm afraid I can't vouch for its authenticity, tell you where it came from, who compiled the list, who Kevin Harris is, or anything like that. Still, the quotes are interesting and enlightening.] "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." Copyright: Kevin Harris 1995 (may be freely distributed with this acknowledgement)

Satanists Turned the Founder of the Westboro Baptist Church’s Dead Mom Gay Photos via the Satanic Temple The Satanic Temple, a burgeoning community of worship devoted to the Dark Lord, has performed a “Pink Mass” over the grave of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps Jr.’s mother. The Pink Mass is a Satanic ritual performed after death that turns the deceased's straight spirit into a homo one—it’s not unlike the Mormon practice of baptizing the dead, only much gayer. On Sunday the Satanic Temple, which first came into the national spotlight last January when the organization announced its support for Florida Governor Rick Scott, went to the Phelps family graveyard in Mississippi to perform the ritual. (Two Pink Masses were performed, one with a female couple and another with men.) The idea for the mass came about in April, when the WBC announced their intention to protest the funerals of the Boston Bombing victims. The Temple is encouraging other gay couples to make the trek to Magnolia cemetery in Mississippi and suck each others' faces at the grave.