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Funny Status Updates for Facebook & MSN

Funny Status Updates for Facebook & MSN
Related:  jokes

LOTS OF PUNS ...A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything." ...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... ...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face... ...These two strings walk upto a bar... ...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! ...This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." ...A neutron walks into a bar. Back

Charges.com.br - Flock 17 cool magnet tricks Here are seventeen of our favorite magnet tricks, projects and demos. Extract batteries from stubborn holders We’ve all got things that take batteries. Some of them are well designed, and some of them are not. Find studs in your walls Move a magnet over the wall until it finds a screw or nail head under the paint. Make a homopolar motor One of our favorite demos of all time is a homopolar motor. Make LED ThrowiesLED throwies are useful for many more things than graffiti. Demonstrate magnetohydrodynamic propulsion You can make your very own caterpillar drive like the one in The Hunt for Red October with this magnetohydrodynamic demonstration. Play with the coolest toy ever: 512 1/8″ cube magnets Available from K&J Magnetics, this is enough magnets to really have some fun. Make a simple compass We’ve previously shown how to make stupidly simple compasses that float on water or spin on a smooth surface. Make almost anything (ferromagnetic) into a building set Freaking awesome chip clips

Observations on Lethality... 1. The Japanese eat very little fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans, British or Australians; 2. The French eat lots of fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans, British or Australians; 3. 4. Conclusion: Eat and drink whatever you like, and in any quantities; it’s speaking English that kills you. ProfQuotes Funky Downtown: Top 10 Stupid Thieves of 2009 - Flock They are the Top 10 funniest and stupiest thieves of 2009. These are not jokes because these incidents really happened this year. 1. “I’ll go take a nap first before I finish my robbery.” A court in Qingyuan county, Liaoning province, sentenced an ex-convict to six years in prison for attempted robbery, as he tried to commit the crime immediately after being released from prison in November. The accused, surnamed Zhang, left for Qingyuan county soon after being released from the county prison. With no cash for food, Zhang barged into a 48-year-old woman’s house, hoping to steal some money. The woman, however, convinced Zhang that he looked very tired and should take a nap, promising him to give him some money once he woke up. The woman tied the intruder with a rope as soon as he slept off and phoned the police. 2. The cell phone owner called police who identified the thief as a man surnamed Liu through the bank’s surveillance camera. He was reprimanded and let go. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. [via]

TM): Great quotes by comedians Great quotes by comedians ----- Begin NetScrap(TM) ----- Great quotes by comedians "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money." Creative Ways of Describing Stupid People (The GOP) Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves. Had a head crash. Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton. Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse. Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace ismissing from his deck altogether. Has a bus fault problem. Has a few wait states. Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together. Has a leak in his ceiling. Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express. Has a pulse, but that's about all. Has a random memory fault. Has a slow clock. Has a sparse matrix. Has a two-bit operating system. Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together. Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass. Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one. Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt. Has change for a seven dollar bill. Has FINO (first in never out) memory. Has his brain on cruise control again. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon. Has it floored in neutral.

6 Insane Discoveries That Science Can't Explain - Page 2 | We like to feel superior to the people who lived centuries ago, what with their shitty mud huts and curing colds by drilling a hole in their skulls. But we have to give them credit: They left behind some artifacts that have left the smartest of modern scientists scratching their heads. For instance, you have the following enigmas that we believe were created for no other purpose than to fuck with future generations. The Voynich Manuscript The Mystery: The Voynich manuscript is an ancient book that has thwarted all attempts at deciphering its contents. It appears to be a real language--just one that nobody has seen before. Translation: "...and when you get her to put the tennis racket in her mouth, have her stand in a fountain for a while. There is not even a consensus on who wrote it, or even when it was written. Why Can't They Solve It? Could you? Don't even try. As you can imagine, proposed solutions have been all over the board, from reasonable to completely clownshit. Our Guess:

Shakespeare Insult Kit Shakespeare Insult Kit Since 1996, the origin of this kit was listed as anonymous. It came to me on a piece of paper in the 90's with no attribution, and I thought it would make a cool web page. Though I searched for the origin, I could never find it. In 2014, Lara M informed found the originating author. It appears to be an English teacher at Center Grove High School in Greenwood Indiana named Jerry Maguire. Combine one word from each of the three columns below, prefaced with "Thou": My additions: cullionly whoreson knave fusty malmsey-nosed blind-worm caluminous rampallian popinjay wimpled lily-livered scullian burly-boned scurvy-valiant jolt-head misbegotten brazen-faced malcontent odiferous unwash'd devil-monk poisonous bunch-back'd toad fishified leaden-footed rascal Wart-necked muddy-mettled Basket-Cockle pigeon-liver'd scale-sided Back to the insulter. Chris Seidel

Amazing & Crazy Upside down house in Germany | Quality Junky Upside Down House Installation In Germany, Really Crazy and Amazing My collection of funny emails from my inbox. Subject: 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. "Great!" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. The priest removed his hand. Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. Lesson 3: "Me first! "Me next! Lesson 4: Lesson 5: Lesson 6:

20 Optical Illusions That Will Have You Stumped | Geek With Lapt Can we always believe what our eyes tell us? As you will see when you look at the following images, the simple answer to that is no. Our eyes can and do deceive us, especially when presented with ambiguous or misleading information. It would appear that in order to make sense of something our brain sort of fills in the gaps and presents us with a ‘picture’ that may not be a true representation of the reality. Stare at the three vertical dots in the centre of this image for about 30 seconds and then look at a white wall or a white bit of paper or you can even just sit back and close your eyes. See if you can count how many legs this elephant has? Ok, the idea here is to count how many black dots you can see in the corner of the squares. This is a very well known image but what does it say to you? All we are looking at here is a simple 2D picture but we don’t see it like that. There’s something quite freaky about looking at an image that you know is still but which appears to be moving.

Wal Mart Diagnosis Wal Mart Diagnosis One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

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