5 Retarded Health Campaigns That Backfired (Hilariously) Can you imagine how unhealthy we'd be if we didn't have large organizations spending millions on public health campaigns? If we didn't have them to herd us around with their slogans and posters, our lives would be a nightmare of illicit drugs and bad choices. Shockingly, however, these well-meaning programs sometimes don't work out so well. The D.A.R.E. Damn near every school kid in the United States has been forced to sit through the Drug Abuse Resistance Education Program (D.A.R.E.) at least once. Apparently, that works for everything from drugs to unwanted sexual advances to strong-armed robbery. On the surface, encouraging kids to say no to drugs seems like a fine idea. Whoops! It would be hard to actually know how well a program like D.A.R.E. was working unless you, say, kept track of a thousand or so kids who went through the program and then caught up with them 10 years later. Look at you, just saying no to drugs, and friends, and a well-adjusted childhood.
The 5 Most Popular Safety Laws (That Don't Work) Really, is it ever possible to be too safe? Especially when it's our children at stake? Actually, yes. The Idea: Speeding is a major cause behind many fatal accidents, so it must also be true that mandating lower speed limits will make us all safer, right? It was back in 1974 that the federal government passed the National Maximum Speed Limit Law in the USA, slowing America down to a creeping 55 miles per hour. A joke about Richard Nixon being untrustworthy? Partially thanks to anti-speed limit activists like Sammy Hagar, in 1995 it was repealed. The future. But There's a Problem... After the National speed limit was repealed, the state of Montana removed all non-urban speed limits in their state. Proponents of the national law still argue that traffic fatalities nationwide did drop during the national speed limit's lifetime. Why Doesn't it Work? Because, and this surprised the hell out of us, people aren't completely retarded. Pictured above: Legal Precedence. Gotcha!
6 Everyday Words With Disturbing Alternate Meanings So the whole news world was up in arms recently because of this newscast referring to Barack and Michelle Obama "fisting" each other in the White House, the speaker blissfully unaware of the unsettling slang definition of the term. And while we can all laugh at that lady and her obliviousness, the truth is there are all sorts of everyday words that, in the right crowd, will draw the same muffled laughter as the fisting gaffe up there. Such as... You Know It As: A small, quaint house favored by the idle, rich, hobbits and humans in Warcraft. But It Can Also Be: A public urinal that is used for homosexual intercourse, as well as the arrangement of some. "I think my favorite part of pissing is that we get to have sex with each other afterwards. Wait, What? "Cottaging" has a rich and storied history, dating back to the turn of the 20th century. How To Use It In A Sentence: "So Vince, Todd, Blake and I were all thinking about getting a cottage together. You Know Them As: But They Can Also Be: No.
8 Racist Words You Use Every Day Have you ever worried that, no matter how hard you try, you'll just never be racist enough? Well, you're in luck. As it turns out, you've been unconsciously using racial slurs your entire life! Slurs like... How it's Used: "I was nearly killed on my drive home by a group of hooligans playing paintball on the interstate." What You're Actually Saying: "I was nearly killed on my drive home by a group of dirty Irish drunkards playing paintball on the interstate." Wait, What? The earliest use of the word "hooligan" dates back to British newspaper and police reports in the summer of 1898. But despite the beatdowns, the Houlihans continued to fight for their right to party, and did their motherland proud by forever associating their ethnic surname with stupid teenagers who like to play paintball on the interstate. "Some vandals tagged the wall behind the local high school." "A horde of dirty godless Germans tagged the wall behind the local high school." "We won the little league game! Confused?
5 Personality Flaws That Science Will Cure in Our Lifetime At least half of the bad people in the world avoid trying to change because they insist nothing is their fault. It's all due to their childhood, or their genes -- their temper, their weight, their bad habits -- all of it is outside of their control. It's bullshit, right? Well ... not entirely. #5. There used to be a time when a weekend hookup with a lady at the county fair might have life-changing consequences, e.g., her daddy showing up at your doorstep with a shotgun, a preacher and some Gone With the Wind commemorative wedding china. It'll be the end of tennis coaching as we know it. Welcome to the future, ladies and gentlemen. Cured By: Scientists know that the hormone called vasopressin is integral to the formation of social bonds. Imagine a future where being vasopressin negative was something you flaunted on your Match.com page. Then we can deal with the other tell-tale signs of a mid-life crisis. Or as they call it, "the vole-tron." #4. #3. Don't believe us? Of course you do.
The 8 Worst X-Men Ever Gaining superpowers by having accidentally-mutated DNA is like gaining control of a combine harvester by grabbing a random part: It might work, but you'll probably end up looking like the Hellraiser sneezed. Which is why, for every Cyclops whining about how he can literally kill things as soon as he looks at them, there are eight genetic disasters sitting around Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters putting quotation marks around the word "gifted." leaps into action. Power: Omnilingualism Imagine charging into a fight against people with powers such as unkillability, lightning bolts and earthquakes, and you've got ancient Greek. Realizing they'd accidentally added "linguist" instead of "lasers," the writers behind Cypher started torturing the English language in ways even Cypher couldn't have justified to make him useful. New Mutants #8A relationship which accidentally invented Yaoi several years too early. The worst superhero parents since Mr. and Mrs.
10 Words and Phrases You Won't Believe Shakespeare Invented Shakespeare invented more words than most people even know. Seriously, there's at least 1,500 different words and phrases that don't appear anywhere prior to the Bard of Avon putting them on paper. When he got stuck trying to think up a word, the man just made his own. It's kind of like what rappers do today, except the words Shakespeare made up got embedded into our culture and have formed the cornerstone of our discourse, rather than being obnoxiously spouted by white college students trying to be ironic. First Used: A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act III, Scene ii, Oberon to Puck. "Then crush this herb into Lysander's eye; Whose liquor hath this virtuous property, To take from thence all error with his might, And make his eyeballs roll with wonted sight." Translated: "Grind leaves and shit into that guy's eyes until he goes blind." Where We'd Be Without It: Totally unable to explain where we sniped this guy in Call of Duty 4. As You Like It, Act II, Scene vii, Jaques to Duke Senior.
The 10 Coolest Foreign Words The English Language Needs Have you ever blurted out, "Wow, that guy is just so...so..." and then were left floundering with nothing to say? Well, it's not always your fault. English doesn't have words for every situation, or even the ones that happen every damned day. Fortunately, other languages usually do. And since we already borrow words from them (just recently we've taken "schadenfreude," the German word for pleasure in someone else's misfortune) here's a few that we need to pick up right away: Bakku-shan (Japanese) Means: A beautiful girl... as long as she's being viewed from behind. Say you're in a bar, and you look over to see the most incredible sight you've ever seen: a tall, slim woman with a waterfall of dark copper hair, an ass like a fresh peach in shrinkwrap and legs all the way down to the floor. That's when she turns to look at you. Bile rises in your throat. Congratulations, you have just been a victim of bakku-shan: a girl that looks attractive from behind, but not from the front.
6 Glitches That Accidentally Invented Modern Gaming Half of the art you enjoy every day is probably due to some happy accident. For instance, most of the tension in Jaws can be credited to the fact that the fake shark they were using was a mechanical nightmare and too ridiculous to show on screen. You wouldn't think video games would be subject to this, however -- a mistake in the code of a game would most likely just melt your Xbox (again) rather than invent some fun new game mechanic. Yet, some of the most iconic features of games can be credited to serendipity: A Bad Mouse Click Leads to Lara Croft's Rack It's not fair to say that Lara Croft and Tomb Raider are only famous for one reason (or even two). Via 101 Video GamesThose are the protruding orbs on her chest. Well, as it turns out, Lara's bust is a result of a mistake. And apparently replaced them with oil-change funnels. Via TheAngryPixel.comYep. Lara Croft and her blockbuster franchise paved the way for female game characters. A Racing Game Glitch Gives Birth to Grand Theft Auto
5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we like to call a real, live, undead fucking zombie. So there. Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse: Think about it. Under every legal system in the world, all rights and responsibilities are terminated at death. All it takes is someone with resources and a need for a mindless workforce of totally obedient slave labor. How long until somebody tries this? As seen in... What are they? How it can result in zombies: Scientists have already created a nano-cyborg, by fusing a tiny silicone chip to a virus. According to studies, within a decade they'll have nanobots that can crawl inside your brain and set up neural connections to replace damaged ones. Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse: Do the math, people. Some day there will be nanobots in your brain. The nanobots will be programmed to self-replicate, and the death of the host will mean the end of the nanobots. Science has proven it.
5 Guilty Pleasures The Web Killed While You Weren't Looking We're guessing not a single person reading this would be willing to take a time machine and go back and live in the pre-Internet era. Some of us start showing signs of physical withdrawal within 10 minutes of losing our iPhone. Yet... there are things we miss about the world before the World Wide Web. Guilty pleasures that a less connected world used to let us get away with. The odds are none of you have ever, say, robbed a liquor store or assassinated a public figure. Ah, but now you're living in the future, where the cops can use the miracle of social networking to nail you for crimes you didn't think anyone really gave a shit about. Let's say you've gone off to college and, though you're still two years under age, you attend a party and have 27 beers. It turns out the cute girl was actually a cop. Or, say you're out on the town one day and your drunken best friend goes to urinate in an alley, because maybe he has a phobia of public restrooms. Hiding Your Stupid Past Grandpa, 1938. Mom?
5 Popular Safety Measures That Don't Make You Any Safer It's so hard to think logically about safety. We figure that any time our health or the safety of our children is at stake, it's better safe than sorry. Our safety is too important for logic, damn it! Unfortunately, this leads to a whole lot of well-publicized and expensive safety measures that are often worthless, or downright dangerous. Like... Airport Security Measures After 9/11, we knew that stopping terrorism would take a bold, creative strategy, one flexible enough to adapt quickly to changes in tactics. And America was saved forever. Thus the no fly list was established. But while those two anonymous passengers were terrifying enough to ban from flying over America, they weren't enough of a threat to be worth arresting. Is it weird that we're more afraid of this man's beard than of terrorists? And that wasn't an isolated incident. Well, unless you count those 11 terrorists in England with the sophisticated plot to blow up planes with liquid explosives. "$150? Presumably, Mr. Safe.
9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think The English language is under assault by stupid people who use words they don't understand, and is defended by pompous asses who like to correct those people. We're not sure who to side with. So, here are some words that you'll see used incorrectly on a daily basis, and a helpful guide as to just how big of a dick you'd have to be to correct people on it. We have also included many pictures of these words being read by women with large boobs. People think it means: Regardless. Actually means:Not a damned thing. This is not a word. Should you care? Dick Rating: As in, "How big of a dick are you if you insist people use it the right way?" People think it means: To skim over or browse something. Actually means:Almost the opposite of that. Peruse means "to read with thoroughness or care." Should you care? "What are you doing, Chris?" So, perhaps the best thing is to just lead by example and start using the word correctly yourself. "Hey Sharon, What's Chris doing?" Dick Rating: Should you care?
The 9 Most Devastating Insults From Around the World A responsible traveler won't set foot in another country without knowing how to viciously insult the people in their native language. Odds are, you won't even make it out of the airport before a situation arises that requires obscenities. But "obscenity" is an ever-moving target. It's an amalgamation of cultural taboos, the impact of current events and your mom. #9. Who Said That? Dear God Why? Other helpful Spanish phrases: When dookie is used for even the most pedestrian exclamations, more heated applications escalate the filth factor pretty rapidly: "I shit on your dead" (Me cago en tus muertos) "I shit on God" (Me cago en Dios) "I shit in/on your whore mother" (Me cago en tu puta madre) Note that's "in" or "on," we guess depending on how she likes it. And the list goes on. #8. Who Said That? Dear God Why? Other helpful Arabic phrases: "May you be struck by a dick" (Air il'e yoshmotak) "My dick in your conscience" (Airy fe dameerak) That's not to say they're just smut peddlers insult-wise.