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5 Soviet Space Programs That Prove Russia Was Insane

5 Soviet Space Programs That Prove Russia Was Insane
The thing about the Iron Curtain is that we'll never fully know what crazy shit went on behind it during the Cold War. And that's too bad, because the little hints that leak out really make it look like these people just did not give a shit. Take the Soviet space program. We know they were the first to get both a satellite and a human in orbit, which were both pretty admirable accomplishments. What they kept hidden from the world was that maintaining even minimal levels of safety was a completely foreign concept to them. And that the cosmonauts who flew their rickety ass spaceships must have had balls made of elephant tusks. Here are five spectacularly audacious Soviet space programs that prove that in Soviet Russia, space goes into you. #5. Between 1951 and 1966, the USSR sent over twenty dogs into the cosmos, but to be fair, they weren't the only ones who tested the viability of human space travel by sending animals up first. We're guessing PETA never had a Soviet equivalent. #4. #3.

6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think Bizarre sexual fetishes are a staple of the human psyche--most everyone has them, and with the arrival of Internet porn, all the walls came crumbling down. Suddenly, everyone everywhere could share their sick, nasty fantasies with the entire world, safe under a veil of anonymity. But the Internet by no means invented these things. As it turns out, they've been around way longer than that stain in your Honda. Tentacle Rape - Late 18th Century We love to mock "tentacle porn," and Japan for inventing it. The modern tentacle rape genre was created by Toshio Maeda, whose manga Urotsukidoji "created what might be called the modern paradigm of tentacle porn," which we suppose in Japan is actually seen as an accomplishment rather than grounds for a sexual assault conviction. Bet they regret that. For men, the fetish appeals to those who enjoy seeing women humiliated and subjugated by something that isn't even human. Autoerotic Asphyxiation - 17th Century "Ghost Boner" was already taken.

8 Famous Movies Made by The Last Person You'd Ever Suspect Almost every successful person working in Hollywood sticks to his or her thing that they like. You would never see, say, David Fincher doing slapstick gross-out comedy, or Michael Bay directing a Jane Austen-type movie (unless, maybe, if the Little Women were also fighter pilots). But sometimes these folks, with their well-defined comfort zones, lend a hand to movies so bizarrely out-of-character for them it's like they only did it to say, "There, I can do other stuff too. It's Pat Was Co-Written by Quentin Tarantino Based on a Saturday Night Live sketch where the audience couldn't tell whether the obnoxious character Pat was a man or a woman, the comedy movie It's Pat tells the story of ... the exact same joke. Getty"What hath SNL wrought?" But it was made by ... Quentin Tarantino. The guy who made Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill has an ego so massive that according to science, it should have long ago collapsed on itself like a neutron star. Hot. Leonard Nimoy, aka Spock.

11 Modern Technologies That Are Way Older Than You Think Believed to have been invented in... 1954, by Dee Horton and Lew Hewitt. These two Texans designed the first automatic door after noticing how strong winds would fuck with people's door opening abilities. The pair got to work on their product and, before long, people across the world were walking up to automatic doors, hesitating, thinking "fuck, it broke?," continuing, halting abruptly, shielding their face with their hands and then flinching, humiliated as the door opened with perfect comedic timing. Horton and Hewitt went on to found Horton Automatics, one of the biggest sellers of automatic doors today, with a massive range of clients including McDonald's and Tim Horton's Donuts (Nepotism?). Actually invented in... Around 50 BC, by Hero of Alexandria. Fucktasticly named Hero was a Greek engineer, mathematician, inventor, teacher and overachiever who is believed to have lived somewhere around the second century. 1901, by the Germans. The 7th Century AD, by the Greeks. "Science: 1.

6 Artists Whose Weird Fetishes Defined Pop Culture It doesn't take a cinema genius to catch that most of Martin Scorsese's movies feature violent sociopaths. And you don't need to be a horror/geography wunderkind to notice that every Stephen King book is about an unexplainable evil being evil in New England. Those trademarks are part of the reason we like the work of those guys. But what's really interesting are the artists who have been flaunting their bizarre fixations in our faces for years but have never been called out on them. Joss Whedon Clearly Has a Foot Fetish If geek fandom was a high school, Whedon would be its resident golden boy jock. Ladies. The secret trademark: It's definitely a creepy foot fetish. When you really think about it, it's not that often that you see bare feet on the little screen. To be fair, most of these do belong to Summer Glau's character, River, who was supposed to be the show's psychic warrior dancer of sorts (you know how all dancers hate shoes). Man, feminism is easy! Bathrooms. Dr. And it's gorgeous!

6 Formerly Kickass Creatures Ruined by Evolution Evolution isn't perfect. Just as the Kennedy family can produce a Ted, some noble species go down the wrong genetic path and what used to be the Tyrannosaurus Rex can wind up as a modern chicken. Here are six kickass creatures that evolution apparently decided were just too awesome to exist and then, to add insult to injury, evolved them into the crappiest replacements possible. Used to be ... The Hyaenodon gigas was the size of a horse, with jaws as long as an alligator's, specially designed to tear away flesh. Remember the Velociraptor from Jurassic Park? The Crappy Evolutionary Spin-off: The fuzzy little raccoon. Far from being the dominant predator on Earth, wandering in vicious packs, raccoons spend their days as minor annoyances who tip over garbage cans. How the hell did that happen? Used to be ... The Crappy Evolutionary Spin-off: Essentially anything from the Avian order Struthioniformes is a descendant of this thing, which includes animals as menacing as the Kiwi and the Rhea.

8 Historic Symbols That Mean The Opposite of What You Think Misunderstood By: Libertarians, Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck has recently found a soul mate in Thomas Paine, the Founding Father known for his Revolutionary War tract Common Sense. So much so that he's gone so far as to rewrite Common Sense for the modern era, essentially stuffing words hand over fist into the mouth of a centuries-dead political philosopher for the soul-shriveling disgust Beck knows Paine would feel about Barack Obama. Libertarians and tea partiers are so enamored by their new ideological BFF that they've taken to dressing up like him on YouTube and spouting off about the evils of taxation, weak foreign policy and too many brown people. But Beck and his minions could probably benefit from actually reading some Thomas Paine. "Pay as a remission of taxes to every poor family, out of the surplus taxes, and in room of poor-rates, four pounds a year for every child under fourteen years of age." An entitlement paying old people to support them for not working?

The 7 Most Impressive Examples of Animal Architecture Getty If spiders are the villains of the bug world, mud dauber wasps can be described as the Batmen of said world. Like most wasps, they capture spiders for food, but mud daubers go one step further and imprison their nefarious prey in little asylums made of mud and wasp barf. Via billofthebirds.blogspot.comPretty much the way they do it at fast food restaurants. Mud dauber nests are composed of dozens of distinct prison cells, each of which contains up to three spiders. Of course, the criminal justice system works a little differently for bugs. Via hiltonpond.orgIt's ok because you're ugly Speaking of which ... Trapdoor Spiders Build Doors With Hinges and Trip Wires Unlike most spiders, who prefer to terrorize us from above, spiders in Australia have naturally learned a more subversive style of horror. LA DawsonMankind's punishment for their horrible sins. But the trapdoor spider has a name to live up to. GettySurprise, motherfucker Spiders Nightmare Mega-Web Via sciencedaily.comNo.

The 5 Most Famous Musicians Who Are Thieving Bastards Every artist "steals" a little, whether they realize it or not. For instance, we talk about how some musician was "influenced" by music they grew up with, even if sometimes that influence consists of outright stealing and/or barely remixing a classic. That's just the way it works. But sometimes, it's even more blatant than that. Led Zeppelin are remembered for two things: banging a groupie with a mudshark and recording songs that rocked harder than any band had ever rocked before. Don't believe us? A young Jake Holmes played a song of the same name (and chords, and lyrics kind of) at a show in 1967 where he was opening for The Yardbirds, who featured--say it with us! But who cares, right? Gross. Too bad they jacked that shit too. How did nobody notice that? They never did. If you don't know who the Black Eyed Peas are, you're either a time traveler or have recently woken up from a coma (and in either case, congratulations!). Apparently, the Black Eyed Peas are an impoverished bunch. Dicks.

6 Wacky Misunderstandings at the Scene of Grizzly Crimes The Showering Murderer istockphoto The Scene: When a long-haired and bearded man walked into Alexandria's Racquetball Plus Fitness Center dripping with blood, it didn't take long for the police to be called to the scene. The center's employees were terrified -- the man had simply strolled right in and headed straight for the showers, presumably to rinse the sweet taste of an ax murder off his body. Getty"Do you have Dr. A SWAT team surrounded the club and officers were sent in to question the staff, who were likely finding all sorts of different ways to say the phrase "Sweet tapdancing Jesus, that man is covered in blood." Wait, what? It turned out it actually was sweet tapdancing Jesus. GettyThis whole situation just screams "light beer ad." It turned out that Backhaus was not only a card-carrying member of the club, but had actually warned the club's staff well in advance that he'd be there that day, bloody and terrifying, to use the club's showers. The Police Pizza Party Getty

9 Famous Movie Villains Who Were Right All Along Being a movie villain is not easy. Nobody respects your work, everyone loves your sworn enemy, and cheers if he straight up murders your ass. Of course, the villains deserve it, right? #9. The "villain": Mr. Above: The eyes of an educator. Hold on a minute there: Let's get the obvious out of the way: this is his goddamned job. The movie glosses over the fact that Ferris couldn't read And you know what? And we're asked to sit back and say, "serves him right for caring about the future of our country!" Suddenly the recession makes sense. #8. Headed by Senator Robert Kelly in the first X-Men movie, the Mutant Registration Side are the speciecist.. spesist... racist ... the jerks who demand a legislative bill forcing every super-powered individual in the country to register with the government. The Night of Broken Glasses would end differently. If they require licenses for concealed handguns, they should probably keep this guy on file too. And what happens when he can't? #7. Simba: Wow... #6.

5 Ways You Know It's Time to Get Married I've talked about my often-disastrous relationships in a number of my columns, and every time I do, I get dozens of messages from people asking me to elaborate. Not that I'm an expert -- it's more like how you see a guy come screaming out of the woods covered in bees and you ask him where he found the hive, so you can avoid it. So, the most common question I get (besides "Will you please stop sending me pictures of your penis?") is "How do I know if this is the one?" which I think is a stealth way of asking me, "How can I avoid the hellish divorce that haunts your memories?" Well, if you want to avoid the bees, I say you should always keep in mind ... #5. If you try to pet 49 stray cats, and all of them embed their claws in your forearm, you're going to assume that the 50th will, too. Photos.comWorks every time, baby. Every woman I dated since my divorce several years ago felt the cold, dead disconnection behind my witty banter. Photos.comWhat? Try This: #4. #3.

5 Ridiculous Gun Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks to Movies) Even in gun-crazy America, most of us aren't shooting things as part of our day-to-day routine. So most Americans actually know very little about guns. Hollywood writers realized this a long time ago and, being writers, used it as an excuse to never do any fact-checking ever again. Silencers Turn Gunfire Into a Gentle Whisper Where You've Seen It: In The Line Of Fire, Die Hard 2, No Country For Old Men, Shooter, practically every James Bond movie. The Myth: Cautious spies and assassins know that if you're going to take out a bad guy in an office or a library, be sure to use a silencer. Above: Stealth. Itty-bitty handguns aren't the only things you can silence. Also, while silencers look all slick and expensive and fancy, Hollywood says pretty much any long, hollow tube will do the job. The Problem: Exploding gunpowder is loud. If you can't watch the video, let us sum it up: It still sounds like a freaking handgun. So a silencer really just makes a large gun sound like a smaller gun.