M and Ms Combat
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. There can be only one.