How to Know if Someone is Hoovering You. “Hoovering” is a term describing a ploy that occurs when someone with a personality disorder tries to suck an ex partner back towards them after a period of separation. It often happens when the realisation hits the hooverer that the person they nonchalantly walked away from has garnered some strength, is doing just fine and building up with their life after having broken free from a toxic entanglement. This form of mind-game playing can happen after a week, a month or shockingly even years after a relationship has broken down. They will just try to walk straight back into their past life without a single care for the destruction they left behind. The reason people, usually narcissists, hoover is so that they can top themselves up with a vital supply of energy. This often happens when a hooverer is at a low point in their life and they need a quick-fix so they look for the easiest and quickest source. Moral code does not come into question when hooverers are desperately seeking a top up.
Volume 30, Issue 3 | Birth Psychology Price: $20.00 Editorial Spring! The season of renewal and blossoming, brings us new energy and light. This issue of JOPPPAH features a new cover design and is bursting at the seams with the diversity that enlivens the field of pre- and perinatal psychology. Thomas Verny, our venerable founder and leader, while stepping aside from his role as Editor-in-Chief, continues to contribute as a valuable Associate Editor. Now to the amazing contents of this issue. Danica Anderson, PhD, presents her work with South Slavic women over a ten-year period during which she investigated the devastating impacts of war on women, which has contributed to what Dr. Kimberly Mascaro, PhD, returns to our pages with her investigation and insights into “announcing dreams.” We close this issue with Dr. Enjoy reading and please send your comments to us at journal.editor@birthpsychology.com.
Four Influence Modes for Leaders – Jay Gordon Cone Every leader develops a point of view about the relationship between influence and change. Some perspectives are well-reasoned and rooted in leadership philosophies, others emerge from some combination of trial-and-error, habit, and values. The modes of influence described below will help leaders clarify their approach to influence and identify the skills and strategies needed to increase effectiveness when operating in each mode. Coercive Catchphrase: Do as I saySource: Power imbalanceStrategy: Find the fear; exploit weaknessPioneers: Machiavelli, Sun Tzu Persuasive Catchphrase: Lend me you earSource: Rhetorical excellenceStrategy: Draw on credibility, emotion and logicPioneers: Aristotle, Dale Carnegie Collaborative Catchphrase: Better togetherSource: TrustStrategy: Build on shared interests and share responsibility for successPioneers: David Straus, Roger Fisher and William L. Emergent
What is Love, Dr. Cookerly False Forms of Love Limerence and Its Alluring Lies » What is Love, Dr. Cookerly With much dismay in his voice Ronald said, “Three years ago I was sure I was head over heels in love with my wife, Helen. About a year ago that all-encompassing feeling just seemed to evaporate. I don’t know what happened. Something must be wrong with me. We have tried to rekindle our love but nothing we do works. The answer to Ronald questions is “no” this is not how healthy, real love works but it is typical of a form of false love called limerence. With Ronald we went through a checklist of limerence symptoms: 1. Having at least seven of these symptoms is sufficient to qualify for being seen as probably in limerence and not really in a true, healthy love state. People sometimes ask why does limerence exist? “How does limerence work” is another question often asked. What can be done about people being in limerence instead of doing lasting, real, spousal love? There is a lot more you can learn about limerence. As always, Go and Grow with Love Dr. Related posts:
How to Build Your Immunity to Other People’s Control Dramas By Julian Websdale Guest Writer for Wake Up World Many people go through their lives in a constant hunt for someone else’s energy. Manipulation for other people’s energy can happen either aggressively, directly forcing people to pay attention to them, or passively, playing on people’s sympathy or curiosity to gain attention. So first, let’s look at the main ways control dramas are played out. The Intimidator If someone threatens you, either verbally or physically, then you are forced, for fear of something bad happening to you, to pay attention to them and so to give them energy. Poor Me If, on the other hand, someone tells you all the horrible things that are already happening to them, implying perhaps that you are responsible, and that, if you refuse to help, these horrible things are going to continue, then this person is seeking to control at the most passive level – a “poor me” drama. Think about this for a moment. The Interrogator An interrogator is another kind of drama. Aloof Drama
There's a pretty simple way we can raise kind girls instead of 'mean girls.' I remember walking into the cafeteria of my new school and it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I was in sixth grade. My family had just moved from Virginia to Ohio. At first, I attended the local Catholic school. Within the first two months, I was begging my parents to go to the public school because the girls were so mean. And when I look back, wow, they were cruel. I won’t even tell you about the last day at school there when all the girls knew I was leaving. Off to public school I went. Instantly a group of girls took me in. All photos by iStock. Little did I know that they had kicked another girl off the table so I could sit with them. Then one day, I walked into the cafeteria. My heart sank. "My ears were ringing, my hands were clammy, my heart was beating so fast." I can’t remember what they said, but I must have gotten the picture because I turned and I quickly looked around for a place to sit. I felt the eight girls’ snickering whispers like daggers in my back.
Why You Can't Trust Yourself Bertrand Russell famously said, “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are so certain of themselves and wiser people so full of doubts.” Over the years, I’ve hammered on the importance of becoming comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity, in questioning all of your most cherished beliefs and dreams, on practicing skepticism, and doubting everything, most importantly yourself. Throughout these posts, I’ve hinted at the fact that our brains are fundamentally unreliable, that we really have no clue what we’re talking about, even when we think we do, and so on. But I’ve never given concrete examples or explanations. Well, here they are. Eight reasons you can’t trust yourself, as demonstrated by psychology. Stop Being an Emotional Idiot Discover tips to become more self-aware, empathetic and emotionally intelligent. 49-page guide. 1. There’s a thing in psychology called the Actor-Observer Bias and it basically says that we’re all assholes. We all do this. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
The Alan Kazdin Method for Making Your Children Behave Say you have a problem child. If it’s a toddler, maybe he smacks his siblings. Or she refuses to put on her shoes as the clock ticks down to your morning meeting at work. If it’s a teenager, maybe he peppers you with obscenities during your all-too-frequent arguments. The answer is to punish them, right? Not so, says Alan Kazdin, director of the Yale Parenting Center. As I was reporting my recent series about child abuse, I came to realize that parents fall roughly into three categories. Parents in this middle group might turn to Kazdin and his parenting interventions. Khazan: Where do people get their ideas about parenting? Kazdin: It's not determined or dictated completely by one's own parents. The other thing is, our brains are wired to pick up negative things in the environment. Now you start groping for the various options that there are. And this is dictated by one's personality, too. Something called temperament is a physiological predisposition that is evident at birth.
What You Can Do to Fight Extremism — umair haque What You Can Do to Fight Extremism The Challenge of Decency What can you do to fight the tide of extremism engulfing the world? It’s at once the simplest and hardest thing in life. Decrying extremism is easy. Actually not behaving in a way that spreads and legitimizes it is harder. Just condemning extremism, without correcting your prejudices and biases, isn’t not actually being a bigot, fanatic, and so on. That’s exactly what the extremists count on. Let me give you a simple example. If pundits really want to send a message, what could they not just say, but do? So what are we to conclude? So it is with you. Saying “extremists are bad” is easy. What are they really betting on? Extremism doesn’t get legitimised through words as much as actions. So the question is not about what you say. Being. Decrying extremism is not the answer. Umair London June 2016
How the brain reacts to social stress - Health - Mental health WASHINGTON — Any bully’s victim knows the experience can cause lingering fear. Now scientists watching big mice intimidate small ones have discovered the stress spurs genetic changes in the brain — a finding that may help research into depression and other mental illnesses. The experiment suggests a part of the brain linked to addiction also plays a previously unsuspected role in illnesses characterized by chronic anxiety and social withdrawal, Texas researchers report Thursday in the journal Science. In fact, a substance produced in the brain, called BDNF, seems to be the culprit, controlling whether the bullied mice turned into fearful hermits or not. “This is a fascinating observation,” said Dr. Neuroscientists at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center wanted to test the role of the brain’s “reward pathway” in depression-like behavior. The bullied mice emerged drastically cowed. What was happening in their brains?
How Flipping The Script Helped Keep Young Muslims From Joining ISIS Around 2012, the police in Aarhus, a city in Denmark, realized that some young residents were fleeing to Syria to join ISIS. Jennifer Joan/Flickr One day in 2012, a group of policemen in a Danish town were sitting around in the office when an unusual call came in. This town, called Aarhus, is a clean, orderly place with very little crime. So what the callers were saying really held the cops' attention. They were parents, and they were "just hysterical," recalled Thorleif Link, one of the officers. The officers put together whatever clues they had about the missing person: He was a teenager who went to a local high school, and he lived in a largely Muslim immigrant neighborhood just outside town. "Why is this going on?" After talking to the parents and snooping around the neighborhood, the police figured it out: These young men and women had gone to Syria. Link and Aarslev are crime prevention officers. The rest of Europe came down hard on citizens who had traveled to Syria. And Jamal?
The Science Behind PTSD Symptoms How Trauma Changes The Brain World of Psychology After any type of trauma (from combat to car accidents, natural disasters to domestic violence, sexual assault to child abuse), the brain and body change. Every cell records memories and every embedded, trauma-related neuropathway has the opportunity to repeatedly reactivate. Sometimes the alterations these imprints create are transitory, the small glitch of disruptive dreams and moods that subside in a few weeks. In other situations the changes evolve into readily apparent symptoms that impair function and present in ways that interfere with jobs, friendships and relationships. One of the most difficult aspects for survivors in the aftermath of trauma is understanding the changes that occur, plus integrating what they mean, how they affect a life and what can be done to ameliorate them. Launching the recovery process begins with normalizing post-trauma symptoms by investigating how trauma affects that brain and what symptoms these effects create. The 3-Part Brain How Healing Happens
7 Reasons Strong People Tend To Attract Difficult Relationships — Personal Growth 1. People who develop mental and emotional strength usually do so because of their childhood experiences. Likewise, it’s common for people to re-create their earliest relationships out of a desire for comfort, rather than love. The reason so many relationships fail as spectacularly as they do is because what we are fundamentally looking for is not love, but comfort. 2. Strong people find their happiness in perseverance and commitment to something they can work on and grow with. 3. When strong people fall in love, they almost adopt that person into their own identity, and aren’t quick to realize when they’re giving away their power at the other person’s benefit and their own detriment. 4. Their strength was built from somewhere, and that place tends to be revisited when a romantic relationship is entered. 5. Sure, genuine strength is being able to admit your mistakes, but not everybody arrives at that place of true detachment so easily. 6. 7.