The Onion: Planet Earth Doesn’t Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave By Joe Romm on June 2, 2011 at 7:29 am "The Onion: Planet Earth Doesn’t Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave" Humor From America’s Finest News Service: The Earth says events like this should have made it “pretty obvious” what it’s been driving at. EARTH—According to a statement released to the press Tuesday, the planet Earth has “just about run out of ways” to let its roughly 6.9 billion human inhabitants know it wants them all to leave. Following a recent series of disastrous floods along the Mississippi River and destructive tornadoes across much of the United States—as well as a year of even deadlier natural catastrophes all over the world—the Earth said its options for strongly implying that it no longer wants human beings living on it have basically been exhausted. “Do I have to spell it out for you?” Immediately after delivering the statement, the Earth ignited a series of wildfires throughout the world’s arid regions. – The Onion Related Humor: Abe Drayton jimb135
6 Amazingly Intelligent Animals (That Will Creep You Out) Animals may be extremely well-organized and insanely ballsy, but we'll always have one giant advantage over them: our intelligence. Also, cars and rocket launchers and such. But thinking is what makes us human, and thinking means we'll always be the ruling species on this planet, because the rest of those guys are really stupid. Well ... not all of them. So, in our latest attempt to make all of our readers afraid of Mother Nature, we give you ... Alex the Genius Parrot When a parrot says something like "hi", "I love you" or "f@#% off", you obviously assume that it doesn't really know what it's saying -- they're just mimicking human words in the same way that they'd copy the sound of a barking dog, or even (as some parrot owners know) a cell phone ringing. Alex the Parrot was different, though: he could correctly identify 50 different shapes, recognize numbers up to six, distinguish seven colors, and understand qualities such as bigger, smaller, same, and different. Dr. How?
Weight Loss Plan A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." "Are you sure?" (Thanks Barbie)
Husband banned from Target Husband banned from Target After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target. Dear Mrs. Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. And last, but not least: 15. Hope this made you laugh as it did me. Meet singles at DateHookup.com, we're 100% free!