5 Ways You Know It's Time to Get Married. I've talked about my often-disastrous relationships in a number of my columns, and every time I do, I get dozens of messages from people asking me to elaborate.
Not that I'm an expert -- it's more like how you see a guy come screaming out of the woods covered in bees and you ask him where he found the hive, so you can avoid it. So, the most common question I get (besides "Will you please stop sending me pictures of your penis? ") is "How do I know if this is the one? " which I think is a stealth way of asking me, "How can I avoid the hellish divorce that haunts your memories?
" Well, if you want to avoid the bees, I say you should always keep in mind ... #5. Photos.com If you try to pet 49 stray cats, and all of them embed their claws in your forearm, you're going to assume that the 50th will, too. Photos.comWorks every time, baby. Every woman I dated since my divorce several years ago felt the cold, dead disconnection behind my witty banter. 6 Wacky Misunderstandings at the Scene of Grizzly Crimes. The Showering Murderer istockphoto The Scene: When a long-haired and bearded man walked into Alexandria's Racquetball Plus Fitness Center dripping with blood, it didn't take long for the police to be called to the scene.
The center's employees were terrified -- the man had simply strolled right in and headed straight for the showers, presumably to rinse the sweet taste of an ax murder off his body. Getty"Do you have Dr. A SWAT team surrounded the club and officers were sent in to question the staff, who were likely finding all sorts of different ways to say the phrase "Sweet tapdancing Jesus, that man is covered in blood.
" Wait, what? It turned out it actually was sweet tapdancing Jesus. GettyThis whole situation just screams "light beer ad. " The 7 Most Impressive Examples of Animal Architecture. 6 Formerly Kickass Creatures Ruined by Evolution. Evolution isn't perfect.
Just as the Kennedy family can produce a Ted, some noble species go down the wrong genetic path and what used to be the Tyrannosaurus Rex can wind up as a modern chicken. 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think. Bizarre sexual fetishes are a staple of the human psyche--most everyone has them, and with the arrival of Internet porn, all the walls came crumbling down.
Suddenly, everyone everywhere could share their sick, nasty fantasies with the entire world, safe under a veil of anonymity. But the Internet by no means invented these things. As it turns out, they've been around way longer than that stain in your Honda. Tentacle Rape - Late 18th Century We love to mock "tentacle porn," and Japan for inventing it. The modern tentacle rape genre was created by Toshio Maeda, whose manga Urotsukidoji "created what might be called the modern paradigm of tentacle porn," which we suppose in Japan is actually seen as an accomplishment rather than grounds for a sexual assault conviction. Bet they regret that. For men, the fetish appeals to those who enjoy seeing women humiliated and subjugated by something that isn't even human. Autoerotic Asphyxiation - 17th Century "Ghost Boner" was already taken. 5 Soviet Space Programs That Prove Russia Was Insane. The thing about the Iron Curtain is that we'll never fully know what crazy shit went on behind it during the Cold War.
And that's too bad, because the little hints that leak out really make it look like these people just did not give a shit. Take the Soviet space program. We know they were the first to get both a satellite and a human in orbit, which were both pretty admirable accomplishments. What they kept hidden from the world was that maintaining even minimal levels of safety was a completely foreign concept to them.
And that the cosmonauts who flew their rickety ass spaceships must have had balls made of elephant tusks. Here are five spectacularly audacious Soviet space programs that prove that in Soviet Russia, space goes into you. #5. 11 Modern Technologies That Are Way Older Than You Think. Believed to have been invented in... 1954, by Dee Horton and Lew Hewitt.
These two Texans designed the first automatic door after noticing how strong winds would fuck with people's door opening abilities. The pair got to work on their product and, before long, people across the world were walking up to automatic doors, hesitating, thinking "fuck, is...is it broke? ," continuing, halting abruptly, shielding their face with their hands and then flinching, humiliated as the door opened with perfect comedic timing. Horton and Hewitt went on to found Horton Automatics, one of the biggest sellers of automatic doors today, with a massive range of clients including McDonald's and Tim Horton's Donuts (Nepotism?).
Actually invented in... Around 50 BC, by Hero of Alexandria. Fucktasticly named Hero was a Greek engineer, mathematician, inventor, teacher and overachiever who is believed to have lived somewhere around the second century. 1901, by the Germans. The 7th Century AD, by the Greeks. "Science: 1.