With economic recovery moving slower than a stoned snail and companies receiving 10,000 applications for 90 positions , everyone's concerned with job security. But have no fear, we at Cracked are here to help. It turns out that many of the ways we intuitively believe we're improving our success in the workforce are totally wrong.
Sure, when you're an Amy Winehouse, a Steve Jobs or an Osama bin Laden, the world is going to grind to a halt and have a tweetgasm at the news of your passing. But when you're a "guy who played that one kid on Barney Miller ," good luck getting anyone to notice that you kicked the bucket. So each year Cracked takes time to remember the slightly less famous people who maybe didn't revolutionize the PC and music industries, but who still left an interesting little mark on the culture.
We all dream of winning the lottery and turning our own lives into The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (only in our version, we own the house , damn it). But once you live in a rich neighborhood and replace your friends with an entourage, there are certain pleasures you'll surely miss. The homemade fireworks that were such a hit in the trailer park won't go down so well in your gated community, and none of the fancy dinner parties you attend will serve hot wings. After all, sometimes you don't want hand-massaged braised duck kidneys. Sometimes you want the shit you used to get at the Quik-Stop and eat in your car on the way to Steve's house.
This article is for my three kids. They will, very soon, start seeing the world through adult eyes, and a lot of things about my generation will just plain not make any sense to them. I'm going to attempt to explain some of it, so that they don't dismiss an entire generation of people as rock-fuck stupid. For instance, the generation coming up behind us most likely won't understand ... Many of the Phrases and Pictures We Use Every Day
Due to recent financial hardships, I had to trade in my beloved old truck. In its stead, I got myself a motorcycle. Fuel efficient, fun, low insurance -- all great things. But in having a bike as my primary mode of transport, I've learned a lot of terrible things about motorcycles. Not just the fact that any given ride can end with your organs flung across four lanes of traffic. Everyone knows that.
A conservative commentator recently made headlines by claiming 10 percent of all of the world's Muslims are terrorists . An amazing claim, considering that equals 150 million terrorists and if each were to pull off an attack killing just 40 people, they could exterminate all non-Muslim life on earth. Either they're not all that dedicated to terrorism, or the claim is utter insanity. Well, if there's one thing everyone thinks of when they hear "Cracked.com" it's "friend of Islam." Which is why we feel compelled to clarify a few misconceptions for our readers. Also, there is no way this article will ever come back to haunt us in any way.
You already know that beauty comes with a price that you pay both in money and pain. Plucking, shaving, waxing, minor surgery - none of it is fun. But for some, it's downright murder . Or at least torture, anyway.
The Internet is full of useful places that can help you find a job, sell your stuff or locate the exact instances of nudity within a movie, among other basic necessities. But when they say you can get anything on the Internet, they do mean anything . Including services seemingly aimed exclusively toward people with crippling personality disorders.
When our pets one day inevitably rise up, they'll probably be pretty pissed about the whole neutering thing. And you can bet they'll remember those stupid outfits we made them wear. If that was the worst of it, they'd probably be willing to grant us the quick deaths we'll beg for. Unfortunately, we'll all be dying the slowest most humiliating deaths our pets can come up with, and know the whole time that we had it coming, thanks to stuff like ... #6. Pet Plastic Surgery
Imagine a car that runs on tap water and never breaks down or needs replacement parts -- would you drive it? We forgot to mention that it's shaped like a giant clown penis. Humans are funny creatures -- we tend to shun any product, no matter how useful, if it makes us look ridiculous. That's why virtually none of you own ...
The steeply rising cost of health care in this country means that, at times, corners must be cut. Sometimes you'll find yourself with a generic prescription instead of a name brand. Other times, you might even self diagnose on Web MD. That's probably accurate enough , right?
When you go to the doctor, you usually just assume the person probing your colon or manhandling your boobs is a perfectly sane, highly educated individual. Otherwise you wouldn't let him get so intimate with your inside parts. But throughout history, there have been risk-taking, don't-give-a-shit doctors who were part Rambo, part MacGyver and part House (specifically, the crazy part of House). Like ... #5.
Have you heard the one about the screen door on the submarine? Or nonstick duct tape? Really stupidly pointless or impossible inventions have been a comedy staple since, well, the first time somebody invented something that didn't work. So imagine our surprise when we found out how many ridiculous subjects of countless hack comedy routines not only exist but are actually really useful. Like ...
Most important discoveries were made by dedicated people of singular mind and purpose, tirelessly exhausting themselves and their resources to achieve a clearly defined goal. Then there are others made by people with vague agendas who, by luck or circumstance, trip over major finds like a fat kid at a roller rink. This article is about that second type.
Like elves in Santa's workshop, bootleg toy makers around the world are busy cranking action figures and games for all of the world's children. Only these will be sold by street vendors and dollar stores, at a fraction of the price of official toys. Of course, to get around copyright laws, these manufacturers in China and elsewhere have to, let's say, tweak things a bit. So you wind up with... Yes, it's RobertCop. It looks like a silly photoshop, but pictures abound of the same box in various settings (it's something of an internet sensation -- fans of RobertCop have even given him his own Facebook page).