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Everybody enjoys the guilty pleasure of going on a self-righteous rant every once in a while like an Aaron Sorkin character or something, whether it's about the way politics and the media are these days, or more everyday things like people with more than 15 items in the express lane, or terrible drivers nobody complains about . There are certain subjects that people get waaaay too worked up about, though, where it goes beyond " Twilight sure annoys me!" to "EVERYBODY INVOLVED IN TWILIGHT NEEDS TO BE PUT IN TRAPS LIKE THE ONES IN SAW ."
If you've watched movies in the past 10 years, you've probably at some point complained about horrible CG, because you movie viewers are ungrateful little jackanapes. Every time CG goes well and blends seamlessly into the movie (I bet you didn't know it was used in Brokeback Mountain ), people rave about the amazing acting performances and the wonderful storyline and maybe the great soundtrack, and every time it goes wrong, everyone talks about how CG is terrible and is ruining movies. Youtube I'm not joking, watch the video. But that's OK, whatever, it's a job, nobody says thank you to accountants and insurance underwriters either. I can't brag to anyone about having worked on The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor , but it put food on the table. But you know, as long as we're criticizing crappy CG, I thought maybe you'd like to know more about the details of how each terrible disaster unfolds behind the scenes, and more importantly, who to point fingers at.
What with the economy and all, more and more news outlets and bloggers and other sources of bullshit are trying to get views by promising useful tips on how to save you money in these penny-pinching times. Most of these tips are not useful at all, which would be annoying enough coming from a well-meaning friend, but the thought that these obvious, impractical and just plain stupid tips are coming from a human being who was paid to come up with them is enough to drive your blood pressure up like uh ... at least 5 mmHg. That's why I've put them coming out of the mouth of my dog, to take some of the edge off.
Sometimes the universe brings people into your life who seem to know just what you need at that very moment, and then they stand right between you and that thing. There is a colorful term for one specific type of that person, namely "cockblocker," but there are a lot of other types whose blockage is aimed at things other than the union of genitals. #7. People Who Stand in Front of the Most Useful Thing in the Room
With everyone's every deed made public on the Internet these days, we've suddenly all developed a lot more to apologize for. But we haven't actually gotten any sorrier, so all that means is that the number of fake apologies have gone up. And we've started to develop some pretty universal techniques for "apologizing" without really apologizing. Here's some of the most common offenders.
Anyone who's ever watched a really lame, unoriginal stand-up routine knows that "We need to talk ..." is a magical red flag phrase that means you need to run away as soon as possible, because it means a woman is going to bore you to death or break up with you while boring you to death. Obviously, if there are problems in your relationship, a reasonable woman should deal with it by, I don't know, disappearing without a word or shooting you when you're not expecting it or something, I guess. I don't pretend to understand what these comics want. But here's some phrases that signal some actual bad things coming that nobody wants any part of. #7.
The Internet is littered with stories that seem completely insane when you read the headline, but turn out to have fairly straightforward explanations once you get a few links deep. And then there are the stories that get weirder the more research you do. One question leads to another, and soon you're down a rabbit hole where the world isn't even trying to make sense anymore. We found 10 of them, because we'd hate for you to actually put in a productive day at the office ... #10. Mystery Boy Emerges from the Woods
There's a condition called "not good with kids" that a lot of people don't seem to understand. It's got nothing to do with liking kids or not liking kids -- it's just being bad at something, like some people are bad at singing or cooking. It doesn't mean that they hate music or food, although sometimes it sure looks like it. N.
People like to pretend on the Internet. Men pretend to be 13-year-old girls, Nigerian scammers pretend to be millionaires who need your help, dumb people pretend to be smart and cats pretend to be people. Certain people take it a little further and play an actual character, like a wise mom or a cartoonishly wild frat boy.
The whole Jeremy Lin story seems to be bringing out a new kind of racism that we're not used to -- a kinder, gentler racism made up of bad puns and well-meaning patronizing compliments. ThePostGame Stay classy, Madison Square Garden Network. Racism and hate often get paired together in people's minds like Siam- like conjoined twins. We always picture racists as angry and hostile, sneering racial slurs at minorities and making fear-based appeals about how some race is out to rape their women or take their jobs or dominate Hollywood.
There are a lot of unspoken (and spoken) no-nos on the Internet, like attention whoring, spamming, bragging and disliking Christopher Nolan's Batman movies. As more people catch on to these rules, it doesn't make the behavior go away, it just makes people more sneaky. Here's some ways people try to get their spamming and whining and self-promotion past your defenses: #7. Mysterious Facebook Updates
Some people pat themselves on the back for the strangest things. You know, people who think liking one band makes them a superior human being to someone who likes another band. Or people who think being able to copy and paste a quote from Douglas Adams into their signature makes them a profound thinker. Or people who are proud of this kind of crap: #7.
Everybody is a comedian these days, and the Internet has given us all an enormous stage. Maybe the best example is a supposedly comedy-free site like Amazon.com. The deal is, anybody can write a review, on any product, whether they have bought it or not. So it's just a matter of finding a baffling/ridiculous/useless product and watching the Internet's sarcasm run wild.
As we learned a few months ago , Amazon.com is apparently a hidden treasure trove of aspiring comedy writers. Digging up ridiculous products and writing amazingly sarcastic reviews for them has become the Internet's favorite pastime. So let us salute more of these works of unappreciated genius.
I've noticed in the time since my first two Amazon review articles that the whole "fake funny Amazon review" thing has really become an established phenomenon, with its own in-jokes, cliches and traditions, which in a way makes me a little sad. I hate the "This was so much better before it went mainstream " attitude, and I'm glad more people are enjoying the occasional unexpected laugh in the course of their shopping experience, but the reality is that more participants lead to more repetition. So you get a lot of generic jokes about the magical properties of an item. It's funny and unexpected the first time, but after a few hundred variations of the same basic joke, you get critical and picky, and you feel more like you're auditioning a bunch of writers to see who can write the best "magical HDMI cable" joke than like you're stumbling across that silly idea and being genuinely tickled.