Advice for Rope Tops and Bottoms | Naturally Twisted Co. After this second failing I realized there’s a lot of talk about how to tie, safety, design, preparing physically for going into ropes, preparing a space for it, etc, but not a lot of talk about caring for the actual relationship between rope top and rope bottom. It isn’t necessary that the rope top/bottom relationship is a romantic one to need these important elements addressed. Many rope tops simply don’t know that being a rope bottom is very vulnerable and it pays to address caring for this aspect beyond just the time you are together, something they often can’t know because they themselves have never been in rope in this way. Since I have been in several rope relationships where I am the one in ropes, as well as had many rope relationships where I am the top, I thought I could add something to this information.
Please know, I don’t believe that everyone is like me, or that everyone will agree with what I write. S – This stands for both sides, of course. Do you have any nerve issues? BDSM: over stepping limits and rape. The BDSM sub-culture is often held up as being somehow ‘better’ or ‘safer’ than the ‘vanilla’ mainstream, and even as being ‘feminist’, because it supposedly operates a ‘culture of consent’ where sex is actively negotiated, boundaries are respected and ‘no’ (in the form of a safe word) means ‘no’.* An article up at Salon today invalidates this, with prominent women within the ‘community’, including women described as ‘sex educators’ only now (after almost a decade in one woman’s case) standing up and talking about the abuse they experienced within the ‘scene’.
[Maggie Mayhem,] 27-year-old sex educator and fetish model has never before publicly shared the story of her sexual assault, but the purpose of this evening’s event, a “consent culture” fundraiser, is so that she can start telling it, again and again. The problem spans from unwanted overtures to rape, say Mayhem and Stryker. The ‘counter culture’ of the BDSM ‘scene’ looks exactly the same as the male dominated mainstream. How to Approach a Dominant You Are Interested In. Photo by O5com (CC BY 2.0) Consider for a moment that there is a Dominant that you’ve had your eye on for awhile but you think that s/he may not even know you exist. Do you just wait and hope that they will discover you or do you get the nerve to talk to them?
Several of the submissives I’ve talked to recently have an issue approaching Dominants for one reason or another but the key to all of them is that they are afraid they won’t seem submissive if they are the pursuer instead of the pursued. Many of you have told me that it’s not submissive to approach a Dominant. Why is that? Are we not people first? With the thought of realizing you can approach a Dominant, here are some tips to get you away from the wall and into someone else’s gaze. Face-to-Face I’m not going to say that it’s not terrifying to approach someone that you want to get to know better. Before you walk up to someone try to do some research about them first. Put on your most confident face. Don’t just stare at them. Tips: What Makes A Good Sub? I've been asked this question numerous times. The truth- you ask 100 people, you will get 100 different answers. A lot of it depends on your individual relationship and personality. If you would have asked me this question 6 months ago I would not feel comfortable answering that question.
But now that I am more comfortable in my relationship and how our dynamic works, I have confidence in my answer. See, I happened to be used to what Sir calls micromanaging. Sir and I have been together for a little over a year now. I feel both parties have responsibilities to keep things going when it comes to D/s. For me I have three needs for a D/s relationship. The second thing I need in a D/s relationship is to serve. When we go to events in the community, since we don't have much time to be openly kinky- I take those times to really let my submissive desires out. The third thing I need in a D/s relationship is knowing I am special and desired. The caring submissive | Devices and Desires. Submissive Body Language. Techniques > Using Body Language > Submissive Body Language Body positions | Gestures | See also A significant cluster of body movements is used to signal fear and readiness to submit.
This is common in animals, where fighting (that could terminally harm each animal) is avoided by displays of aggression or submission. Body positions The body in fearful stances is generally closed, and may also include additional aspects. Self-protection Hunching inwards reduces the size of the body, limiting the potential of being hit and protecting vital areas, for example hands covering crotch, or chin pushed down to protect the neck.
In a natural setting, being small may also reduce the chance of being seen. Lowering Putting the body in a lower position shows the other person that you are not a physical threat. Even in sitting, a submissive person will choose a lower chair or slump in order to be lower that others. Motionlessness Head Head down Eyes Mouth Gestures Submissive gestures Small gestures See also. Regaining Submissive Mind-Space Through Ritual. Many submissives have jobs where they are managers, business owners, or in charge in some way or another. Sometimes it can be difficult to re-enter your submissive head-space at the end of a busy work day. A sub can use rituals in order to help her achieve the right mind-apace, leaving the outside world behind and re-gaining the D/s world.
Using Rituals What is a ritual? A ritual is usually a specific set of actions that one performs for a chosen reason. The purposes of rituals are varied; with religious obligations or ideals, satisfaction of spiritual or emotional needs of the practitioners, strengthening of social bonds, social and moral education, demonstration of respect or submission, stating one’s affiliation, obtaining social acceptance or approval for some event — or, sometimes, just for the pleasure of the ritual itself. A ritual to enter a submissive head-space can be a combination of all of these purposes. Portals and Preparations Nadu The Ultimate Ritual.
BDSM 101 - a New Submissive's Guide to Subspace. This article will discuss subspace. Yes, newbie sub, there is such a thing as subspace and no; you are not deficient because you have never experienced it. Some newbies are frightened of this state of mind as well, because it truly signals complete handover of control. It is not to be feared and I will show you why. It is a spiritual experience for many and one that becomes easier and easier to reach as your level of experience grows. Subspace happens especially in two different situations. There is the first scenario where a submissive is being harmed while a dominant is playing with him or her. The other scenario is when a scene is going really well. Now there are different levels to subspace and different dominants call it different things. The next level is sometimes called "blond space". The level where subspace peaks for me comes after. After this, the body drops from the high and suddenly I will start to feel cold and incoherent, but starting to talk in little bits and pieces.
Thinking Kink: Is Vanilla Sex Boring? Who Gets to Decide? "Those of us who have different ... notions of eroticism and sensuality are simply dismissed. The pejorative word [being] 'vanilla,' which is ironically, one of the most sensual aromas. " – Andrea Dworkin. "I wish [BDSM folks] would stop referring to me as 'vanilla.' If you're making the case that everyone should be free to do what they like without being judged, why call non-BDSM people a derogatory name that implies they're all prudish bores? " – Anonymous, commenter on Bitch. If we bemoan the oversexualization of culture, should we also be concerned about the kinkification of culture? One of the reasons I didn't dare join a fetish community website, or go to a play party, 'til years after I was first curious about BDSM, was a subconscious sense that I was probably "too vanilla.
" The term "vanilla" does seem to be a byword for "sexually pedestrian," and even the mainstream media has got in on the act. But laying the blame entirely at the feet of BDSM folks is overly simplistic. Thinking Kink: Safewords. I always get a little bit cautious when I here talk of safewords as though they must be a hard and fast rule. Granted, I'm in one of those longterm Master/slave relationships that are excepted from this "rule", but the part of it that bothers me is the tendency to say that only a certain kind of kink is acceptable, which this kind of thought can lead to. Simply put, for some people "lack of consent" is their fetish. For some of these people, having a safeword would never fully satisfy their sexual needs, if that element of control was in place. I'll give you an example in a moment. Also, the safeword use as a "rule" tends to mischaracterize all BDSM as being about S&M only.
There are plenty of kinky activities and fetishes that people get off on and mutually enjoy and crave that their partner do to them that are wholly of a "mental" activity or are a combination of mental/psychological and physical activity. She left her door unlocked and he entered with mask on and "raped" her. Thinking Kink: Swinging Both Ways (Christian Grey Included) Christian Grey is not actually a Dominant. Yes, you read that right. No, not because the "baddie" of 50 Shades of Grey is actually kind of a big softie and not really that scary. Not because he doesn't make his submissive, Anastasia Steele wear a collar and chastity belt day and night. But because his dominant side is only one part of a complex man (I know I'm pushing your credulity here readers, but stick with me).
Of course, Madonna was already switching like mad in the '90s—see her "Human Nature" video, where she alternates between being held hostage by a cast of foxy dancers, and spanking one of them. Not only do many people in the BDSM community regularly switch roles, or at least sample "the other side," but even when "in role" people do not necessarily live up to stereotypes of being either whimpering and servile or brutal and sadistic.
Previously: The Appeal of the Submissive Male, Masculinity and Submission.