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Sure, pandas are pretty to look at and wondrous to contemplate. But what have they ever done for us? Aside from raising revenues for zoos and protecting us from rampaging bamboo, not much, friend. Not much. So we're busting out our tack, grabbing our mallets, and saddling up for a bruising chukka of Panda Polo, America's hottest ailuropod sporting sensation.
From Monday through Thursday this week, Shirt.Woot will be selling some of our favorite non-winning designs from the first few weeks of our Derby . There may be no second acts in American lives, but it turns out there are second acts in American t-shirt design competitions. You're trying to get to the liver? See, what you wanna do is take the red line past the stomach, then switch trains at the small intestine.
Is fifty years since glorious Sputnik triumph establish incontestable Soviet supremacy in all things technical! Forces of people's revolution encircle final capitalist bastion of Earth! Satellite's mighty "beep" herald universe free of exploitation, corruption, and ! Only matter of time until imperialists collapse under force of intergalactic socialism! Outer space biggest domino of all!
It’s so boring up on Cranberry Mountain. Boring and soft. It’s like a big carpet up here. Mmmm. Maybe there won’t be any hikers today.
Because we like holidays too, overnight orders will arrive by 12/27. Welcome to Antarctic Sensations Resorts, sir! I trust your trip down wasn’t too uncomfortable? Allow me to help you out of your coat. No? Rather keep it on?
Remember Three’s Company? Fonzie was on that, you know. My mom told me all about it, or maybe I saw it on Nick At Night. It was a long time ago so I don’t remember. But back then everybody had these big afros and roller skates. And Led Zeppelin was huge!
Sailors tell the story of the woman made of water. They say she comes silently, like a slow tide, drawn by the harvest moon. They say the water churns crimson, like the lips of a preschooler who holds a half-chewed Maroon Crayola.
2nd place in Derby #96 : Dance, with 934 votes! Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten violent with the meatbag. But enough is enough. Oh yeah, everybody thinks the robot is hilarious – except those of us who actually have to live as robots. If you could only move your arms and legs in stiff, right-angled jerks, you wouldn’t have much tolerance for some doofus in a sweatsuit and goggles imitating you, either. I mean, come on: would you do the Watusi in front of an actual Watusi?
We’re not working today. Overnighted orders will arrive on Tuesday. There’s an old saying about legislation and sausages, often attributed to Otto von Bismarck—a guy who knew a little something about both. If you care about music, though, you probably want to see it being made.
1st Place in Derby #74: One Continuous Line , with 706 Votes! Nice try, leopard. We appreciate the effort, jaguar. You’ve done some good work, lion. But let’s face it: of the Big Four wild cats, can’t nobody touch the tiger. It’s the biggest.
Little-know fact: Karl Marx was almost born an Iguanadon. What killed the dinosaurs? Capitalism.
They are the very model of a loudly vocal minority: “Why doesn’t Shirt.Woot sell more artistic grownup-type shirts?” A cartoon penguin gives them fits. Nintendo gags make them gag with bile.
Revolting? Comrade, until you’ve had one of those hot dogs they serve at the snack bar, you don’t know what revolting is. But listen now, for action must be taken. For ten long winters we suffered, putting the good of our league before the good of our own family.
Who says you can’t have it all? This luxury 83-bedroom, 64-bath home is the face of contemporary upscale living, with sweeping columns, a watchtower, and multiple rotundae. A gigantic public clock and your own personal bell tower ensure that you’ll always be on time, while fire escapes in either wing provide safety and peace of mind. A sterling example of Neo-Classical Victorian Italianate Early American anthrotecture like this won’t be on the market long.
Enough with the bravado. Enough with the posing. Enough with the mystic Chinese or Celtic or Runic or Japanese characters that probably mean something far more embarrassing than what you think they mean. What this world needs is more honest tattoos. Next time, instead of that meaningless fantasy tat you were going to get, try UNEMPLOYABLE in big Olde English lettering across your throat. Or maybe cover your chest with the mugshot from your most recent DUI , rendered in the style of Boris Vallejo if that makes you feel better.