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Obama Promoted To Senior Vice President Of American Affairs. NEW YORK—A statement from America's National Headquarters revealed Thursday that, after just two years heading the Executive Branch, President Barack Obama has been promoted to Senior Vice President of American Affairs.

Obama Promoted To Senior Vice President Of American Affairs

Obama, whose work on health care reform reportedly caught the eye of the nation's higher-ups, has eagerly accepted the more prestigious new position and will join the 12 other members of the American Affairs division starting Monday. He replaces outgoing SVPAA Tom Coleman, who was promoted in February to Chief Administrative Officer of America's North Atlantic Branch. Pending final approval from the National Board of Directors, Friday will be Obama's last day as President of the United States.

Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday. Male Orgasm Captured On Film. CAMBRIDGE, MA—Announcing "a major advance in the age-old quest to unlock the secrets at the heart of human sexuality," researchers at Harvard's Center For The Graphic Depiction Of The Human Sexual Act confirmed Monday that, with the aid of experimental new high-speed photographic technology, they have successfully captured the elusive male orgasm on film.

Male Orgasm Captured On Film

An image from the first footage of the elusive male orgasm ever to be captured by science. The breakthrough marks the first time the male orgasm—perhaps the most mysterious, least-understood element of the complex dance that is human sexual behavior—has been successfully photographed. "We have taken a giant leap forward in the struggle to unravel the mysteries of human love, illuminating aspects of the male orgasm that have long been hidden in a haze of speculation," said Dr. Donald Roehnert, head of the multidisciplinary team of experts credited with the breakthrough.

For centuries, the male orgasm has remained shrouded in myth. Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife. NASHUA, NH—Pastor Bob Snowdon, of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church in Nashua, is a man of deep religious and moral convictions.

Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife

He derives great satisfaction from his various parish duties—reciting the liturgy, giving holy communion, and performing the sacrament of baptism. But nothing delights him quite like his favorite activity of all: fucking Emily Snowdon, his holy-wedded wife of 19 years. Pastor Bob Snowdon. "The Holy Bible sanctifies the bond between a man and a woman in matrimony as a sacred union," Snowdon said. If You Want To Date My Daughter, You’re Going To Have To Date Me First.

As a father, I’ve always been very protective of my daughter.

If You Want To Date My Daughter, You’re Going To Have To Date Me First

She’s the center of my universe, and I would do just about anything for her. And that means making sure that she only spends time with boys who treat her the way that she deserves to be treated. So let’s make one thing perfectly clear: If you want to date my daughter, that means you’re going to have to date me first. That’s right. Before you even think about asking Katie out, you’re going to have to show up at our house and escort me, her dad, on a perfectly lovely date. Sure, call me old-fashioned. You might be able to get away with going steady with other girls without enjoying a romantic evening with their fathers, but not with my baby girl.

Date my daughter, date me. Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerry’s Life. KINGDOM OF GOLDEN SANDS—Throwing herself in front of her beloved U.S. secretary of state as the royal executioner raised his scimitar, Princess Amirah of Arabia reportedly begged her father the sultan Friday to spare John Kerry’s life.

Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerry’s Life

“Please, Father, I love him!” Cried the headstrong youngest daughter of the monarch as she flung her arms around the former Massachusetts senator’s neck and refused to let go. “He is a good man, a kind man, and he is the one I have chosen. He wants only to love me, Father. Middle School Teacher Arrested For Allowing Students To Have Sex In Classroom - The Onion - America's Finest News Source.

Few More Items Knocked Off List Of Desirable Traits In Partner As Woman Turns Year Older. SANTA CLARITA, CA—After turning 29 last week, local single woman Denise Palermo reportedly took the opportunity Tuesday to reflect on her current lack of long-term relationship prospects and slash several more items from the continually shrinking list of qualities she desires in a romantic partner.

Few More Items Knocked Off List Of Desirable Traits In Partner As Woman Turns Year Older

“Well, it’s time to lower the bar again,” said Palermo, referring to the minimum personal, professional, and financial characteristics she looks for in the men she dates. “Full head of hair—that’s got to go. Being well-read has been on the chopping block for years, so it’s probably time to get rid of that one. Ditto on him being a great conversationalist, being taller than me, liking the Decemberists, and not taking himself too seriously.” “Come to think of it, my upper age limit has been 40 for a while,” Palermo added. Interpol Admits 89% Of Its Cases Involve Finding, Recovering The ‘Mona Lisa’ PARIS—Shortly after returning Leonardo da Vinci’s most famous portrait to its home at the Louvre for the second time this week, Interpol officials admitted Wednesday that a full 89 percent of its work involves locating and recovering the Mona Lisa.

Interpol Admits 89% Of Its Cases Involve Finding, Recovering The ‘Mona Lisa’

“When we’re not busy tracking down a burglar who has just stolen the Mona Lisa, we’re usually staking out the compound of a black-market art dealer trying to sell the Mona Lisa, or infiltrating a crime syndicate actively planning a Mona Lisa heist,” said Secretary General Jürgen Stock, citing the dozens of times per month that Interpol agents in search of the painting typically give chase through the Paris sewers, stop Moscow-bound trains to search the first-class compartments, or put out an urgent alert to their counterparts in the Swiss Alps.

“Every few days, we’re off pursuing another thief in another part of the world. Sometimes we’ll put the Mona Lisa back on the wall, turn around, and within minutes it’s gone again. We Need A Fourth Law Of Robotics: Stop Fingering My Wife. When robots started to become commonplace, Congress, in its great wisdom, mandated that every robot be hardwired with the Three Laws Of Robotics.

We Need A Fourth Law Of Robotics: Stop Fingering My Wife

For decades, these three basic rules have maintained class order in our society and kept the number of robot-caused deaths to a minimum. We all know these three laws: ‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face. WASHINGTON—In response to the Republican senator from Texas announcing his presidential candidacy, Time magazine subscribers told reporters Monday that they are bracing for the inevitable issue featuring a close-up of Ted Cruz’s face.

‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face

“I don’t know whether it will be next week or 10 months from now, but I know that sooner or later I’ll open the mailbox and find that face staring at me,” said Time subscriber Susan Bartlett, who was gearing up for a glossy cover photo of the Republican candidate bearing a stern expression while half hidden in shadow or an untouched smiling portrait accompanied by the words “The Game Changer” or “The Firebrand” in a large sans-serif font. “Right now, I’m steeling myself for when I open the magazine and come face-to-face with a full-page shot of Cruz standing in front of his desk with a wall of books in the background. King Richard III Reburied 530 Years After Death. ‘What If No One Travels Anywhere Ever Again?’ Wonders Panicked Transportation Secretary. WASHINGTON—Wondering what would become of the nation’s airports, roadways, and harbors, Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx reportedly became consumed with fear Tuesday that the American populace might suddenly decide not to travel anywhere ever again.

‘What If No One Travels Anywhere Ever Again?’ Wonders Panicked Transportation Secretary

“What if everyone stops commuting to work or booking vacations and just stays put for good?” Vatican Policymaking Once Again Manipulated By Powerful Second Commandment Rights Groups. VATICAN CITY—Lamenting their tremendous impact on Catholic doctrine and their unfettered access to influential clergy, frustrated Vatican insiders told reporters Monday that policymaking decisions for the world’s largest Christian denomination continue to be manipulated by powerful second commandment rights groups. “These lobbyists pump so much money into the Holy See that they can just insert their own positions about not taking the Lord’s name in vain into almost every church edict,” said a Vatican official who wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisal. “Other commandment groups simply can’t compete with the political muscle these aggressive organizations wield. Older Prostitute Explains To Younger Prostitute Who Richard Belzer Is, What He Expects.

NEW YORK—In an effort to prepare her colleague for an upcoming encounter with the veteran actor Friday night, 41-year-old prostitute Hazel Pierson reportedly sat down with 24-year-old prostitute Lexi Grant to explain exactly who Richard Belzer is and what he expects. The conversation, which sources confirmed took place in the back room of The Playhouse Men’s Club in East Queens, touched on the range of specific services the 70-year-old star of Homicide: Life On The Street and Law And Order has come to demand from the various call girls he has employed over the past several decades. Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel. Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business.

WASHINGTON—Claiming that his operation would be “completely dicked over” by an influx of product, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly became increasingly worried this week that the recent legalization of marijuana in Washington, D.C. could seriously cut into his business. Biden, who White House sources confirmed had significantly increased his annual marijuana sales after swiping a state-of-the-art hydroponics unit from a gardening supplies store back in 2012, expressed frustration at the possibility that legalizing the drug would wreak havoc on all of his investments. Anthropologists Classify 43 New Species Of Weirdo Within Subway Ecosystem. NEW YORK—In a discovery that has greatly expanded the scientific community’s fundamental understanding of oddballs, a team of anthropologists from Columbia University announced Friday the identification of 43 new species of weirdo residing within the New York City subway system.

The findings, set to be published in the July issue of Science, are the culmination of 10 years of research spent observing weirdos in their natural habitat of subway cars and platforms throughout the New York metropolitan area, where the peculiar creatures groom themselves, feign seizures, nibble on raw kale, scratch the same word exactly 63 times into train car windows, masturbate through their pants, and scream at no one in particular. “There’s a whole thriving ecosystem down there, and we’re only beginning to understand how freakish it truly is,” DePalio added. Among the subway weirdos the team encountered, researchers identified several new species within the scuzzbag genus. Malaysia Airlines Expands Investigation To Include General Scope Of Space, Time. KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA—Following a host of conflicting reports in the wake of the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 last Saturday, representatives from the Kuala Lumpur–based carrier acknowledged they had widened their investigation into the vanished Boeing 777 aircraft today to encompass not only the possibilities of mechanical failure, pilot error, terrorist activity, or a botched hijacking, but also the overarching scope of space, time, and humankind’s place in the universe.

Additionally, the airline confirmed it had expanded its active search area to include a several-hundred-square-mile zone in the Indian Ocean as well as each of the seven or 22 additional spatial dimensions posited by string theory. “Could a parallel universe have immediately swelled up from random cosmological fluctuation according to the multiverse theory and swallowed the flight into its folds, or could ice have built up on an airspeed sensor? Loyal Senator Still Lying Patiently In Spot Where Beloved Bill Died. WASHINGTON—In a scene that congressional staffers have called heartbreaking and difficult to witness, sources within the Capitol reported today that Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) is still lying patiently at the spot where S. 2685, the USA Freedom Act, died in the Senate chamber several weeks ago. Obama Makes It Through Another Day Of Resisting Urge To Launch All U.S. Nuclear Weapons At Once.

WASHINGTON—Despite being constantly tempted by the seductive power of having an apocalyptic arsenal at his fingertips, President Barack Obama somehow made it through another day Tuesday without unlocking the box on his desk that houses "the button" and launching all 5,113 U.S. nuclear warheads. Literary Study Finds All Modern Narratives Derived From Classic ‘Alien Vs. Predator’ Conflict. OXFORD, ENGLAND—Explaining how the timeless clash between the two sides remains among the most elemental forms of storytelling worldwide, a study published Tuesday by researchers at Oxford University has concluded that virtually all modern narratives are re-expressions of the classic Alien Vs. Valentine's Day By The Numbers. Hit-And-Run Driver Kills Prominent Member Of Deer Community. SAINT ALBANS, VT—Describing it as a terrible tragedy that has sent shockwaves throughout the region, sources confirmed Thursday that a hit-and-run driver struck and killed a prominent member of the local deer community.

Reports indicate that the respected and popular white-tailed doe, who was widely regarded as a generous, loving mother of two fawns, was returning home at dusk when she was hit by a driver in an SUV who immediately fled the scene after the fatal accident. “This is a difficult day for everyone in the thicket; seeing such a model deer cut down in her prime is heartbreaking,” said a local buck, adding that the upstanding doe had been a pillar of the deer community who was known to show genuine altruism and provide support to the herd during times of hardship and scarce foraging opportunities.

New Study Finds Majority Of God’s Blessings Burn Up On Entry Into Atmosphere. Pope Nervous For Annual Performance Review With God. Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During Snowstorm. AMHERST, MA—In anticipation of significant snow accumulation and frigid temperatures brought on by a massive winter storm, the Wallace family reportedly decided to let their cars come inside the house Monday to keep warm during the blizzard. Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa.

How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge. Breaking News: Series Of Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot. Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West Coast. Natural Selection Kills 38 Quadrillion Organisms In Bloodiest Day Yet. EARTH—In a seemingly unstoppable cycle of carnage that has become tragically commonplace throughout the biosphere, sources confirmed this morning that natural selection has killed an estimated 38 quadrillion organisms in its bloodiest day yet.

Numerous reports from biomes on all seven continents revealed that over the past 24 hours, the ruthless biological phenomenon had ended the lives of a record 360 trillion animals and 908 trillion plants, along with 36.7 quadrillion fungi, protists, and bacteria. Preschooler Asks To Borrow Classmate’s Notes On Shapes. ST. JOSEPH, MI—After he became confused during their most recent morning lesson, sources confirmed Friday that local preschooler Alex Hamlin asked to borrow the notes that classmate Liam Benson had taken on shapes. Nation’s Historians Warn The Past Is Expanding At Alarming Rate.

WASHINGTON—Painting a stark portrait of a phenomenon that appears to be irreversible, a report published Thursday by the American Historical Association has found that the past is currently expanding at an alarming rate. The comprehensive 950-page study, compiled by a panel of the nation’s most prominent historians, warns that the sum total of past time grows progressively larger each day, making it unlikely anything can be done to halt, or even slow down, the relentless trend. Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something. World Unites In Desire To Have A Little More Time Between Terrorist Attacks. Government Admits It Was Only Behind Destruction Of North Tower.

Several NFL Teams Express Interest In Your Sister. Senate Democrats Hoping To Go Out In Final Blaze Of Glory By Passing One Last Neutered Bill. Al-Qaeda Operative Can’t Believe How Expensive Super Bowl Tickets Are. Report: More Elderly People Now Dying Surrounded By Coworkers. 9 Most Popular Dog Breeds. First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible. Mall Santa Crying Hysterically In Photo With Toddler. Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend. Everyone In Middle East Given Own Country In 317,000,000-State Solution.

Dead Facebook Friend From High School Still Has Cartman Profile Picture. Top Theoretical Physicists, R&B Singers Meet To Debate Meaning Of Forever. Obama Spends Afternoon In Garage Restoring Classic Drone. Delighted Health Insurance Executives Gather In Outdoor Coliseum To Watch Patient Battle Cancer. Gay Couple Weirded Out By Pope Francis Standing In Back Of Wedding Ceremony.

Adopted Child Sick Of Gay Parents Forcing Him To Watch Them Have Sex. 15-Year-Old Duchess Of McComb, AL Announces Pregnancy. Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks. The Onion’s Person Of The Year 2014. Rules Grammar Change. Man Somehow Overcomes Alcoholism Without Jesus. World’s Oldest Woman Just Pleased Every Other Human On Earth When She Was Born Now Dead. Nation’s Gay Straw Men March On Washington For Right To Marry Animals. CDC: This Year’s Flu Vaccine Might Not Work. Pope Rummaging Through Vatican Basement For Plastic Nativity Scene Figures. World Leaders Gather To Discuss How Fucking Amazing Running A Country Is. Elderly Woman Begins Freezing Meals Husband Can Eat While She’s Passed Away. Stephen Hawking Builds Robotic Exoskeleton. There’s No Use Worrying Over Things The Parasitic Alien Lifeforms Living Inside Us Can’t Control. Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People. Moron Stepfather Takes Care Of Child Who Doesn’t Have His Genetic Material.

Unstable Relative, Toddler Compete For Attention At Family Get-Together. Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room. EPA Unveils Plan To Add 500 Million Squirts Of Lemon To U.S. Water Supply. Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House. Chinese Citizens Gather In Beijing Square To Watch U.S. National Debt Clock Strike $18 Trillion.

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back. Presidential Castrato Brought Into Oval Office To Soothe Obama’s Nerves. Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe. The Onion Reviews 'Interstellar' Vacationing Secretary Of Homeland Security Asks Neighbor To Keep Eye On Nation Over Weekend. Town Bans Clown Costumes After Wave Of Terror. Magic-Store Employee Not The Same Since Losing Virginity. Study: Men With 20 Or More Sexual Partners At Lower Risk Of Prostate Cancer. 2-Year-Old Never Thought He Would Live To See Giants Win World Series. Report: 79% Of World’s Attics Remain Unexplored. Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine. How Ebola Quarantine Works. New Study Finds Human Beings Were Never Meant To Wake Up From Sleep.

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions. Facebook To Test Jet-Sized Wi-Fi Drones By 2015. Your Ignorance Of Classic Horror Leaves You Woefully Unqualified To Run This Haunted House. Astronomers Celebrate 300th Anniversary Of Discovering Sky. Nazi SS Cemetery Desecrated By Pro-Semitic Graffiti. Jerry Jones Vows Cowboys Stadium Will Be Most Spectacular Ebola Quarantine Center Ever. 12 Top-Paying Jobs In The U.S. It’s Just My Luck To Lose Thousands At The Blackjack Tables Every Night For The Past Few Weeks. NASA Administrator Resigns After Leak Of Offensive Anti-Moon Email. Lifeguard Would Save Drowning Man, But Who Is He To Play God?

Report: Everything You've Ever Wanted Has Been Right In Front Of You All Along. Single Nurse Can’t Help But Notice Man Isolated For Ebola Not Wearing A Ring. Tea Party Leaders Announce Support For Deal In Exchange For Malia Obama. Susan G. Komen Foundation Launches Deep Space Probe To Bring Breast Cancer Awareness To Rest Of Galaxy.

Populist Candidate Gaining Support Among Underrepresented Corporations.