8 Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Geeks. As any nerd can tell you, being smarter than everyone else has a price. Poor social skills, being grossly over or under weight, being terrible at sports. Skin problems, probably bad eyesight ... you get the idea. Yet, there is a whole class of nerds who break that universal rule, who somehow wind up smarter than us, yet also, are so good at being tough or being hot that they've got legions of adoring fans. Maybe they're just lucky, or maybe they turned their backs on God and sought solace in the infernal embrace of a giving demonic patron. The fact is, it is not fair that these people exist and we suggest you take it up with your local clergy. We're talking about people like ... When Golden Globe winner Natalie Portman was 10 years old, a representative of Revlon found her at a pizza parlor and asked her if she wanted to model.
Portman was a research assistant in a psychology lab and put in some time working for the youngest law professor in the history of Harvard, Alan Dershowitz. The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction. When traveling in the vast, anonymous, lawless expanse known as the Internet, it's a given that you're going to run into some weird shit. Maybe none of it is weirder than the world of erotic fanfiction. This is where fans lovingly write up tales of, say, Legolas and Gimli going at it, in excruciating detail. But dig deeper and you find stories featuring such random matchups of character that it'll send your mind, and boner, reeling: Captain Jean-Luc Picard Meets Elrond From Lord of the Rings; Sex Ensues The Scenario: In this long, molasses-paced tale, Picard is on the most important mission of his life: a mission for fun. Of course, something unexplained goes horribly wrong, and he ends up crash-landing on Middle-Earth.
Oh, wait, did we say hilarity? Finally, Picard admits that he "experimented" once with a French dude, and Elrond, proving himself as trustworthy and honorable as any good elf, takes advantage of Picard's fragile emotional state to make out with him: Plausibility Factor: 2. 5 Movie Fan Theories That Make More Sense Than the Movie. At some point, we've all seen the finale of a TV show or movie and thought, "I could have written a better ending than that. " (We're still bitter about 24 not ending with Jack Bauer exploding from all the accumulated urine in his body, like our write-in campaign suggested.) That's why there is a thriving culture of fan theories that flood the Internet in anticipation of every show, movie or book.
Though these theories turn out to be wrong approximately 100% of the time, we like to point out the ones that really do seem to improve on what the actual writers came up with. Tell us the below movies or series wouldn't be improved if it turned out... (To watch Cracked improve Star Wars, click here.) In the world of Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom is the resident doofus. Also to make Harry Potter look like less of a dork in comparison. The Awesome Fan Theory: Basically, that Harry Potter dude was just a distraction. "Also, he'll have a goddamn sword.
" *Ahem* What We Got Instead: So what gives? The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Online Gaming. Tens of millions of adults spend all their free time in fictional worlds that are full of more tedious work and assholes than most real-life jobs. Combining Internet anonymity with people who have absurd amounts of free time, massive multiplayer online role-playing Gamers (MMORPG)are a better guarantee of asshole-ry than a digestive system, and yield uglier results.
But there are some spectacular douche bags who have put more work into screwing with strangers than should be humanly possible. EVE Online's universe consists of 350,000 active subscribers piloting customizable space craft around 7,500 solar systems. Putting that many people in space with lasers might sound like an open horizon to awesome, but the players who hang out there created a fully functional free market economy that ends up feeling more like space accountancy. ... but it doesn't tell you that you have to pay for those lasers.
First, they got jobs with the target corporation and worked their way up the ranks. The 6 Most Important Things Humanity Just Plain Forgot. If you could draw a graph showing the growth of mankind's knowledge and technology, you'd think it would look like a staircase, steadily edging upward year after year as we get a little bit smarter than our ancestors. It's not true, though. Some of the most amazing things ever discovered wound up lost or forgotten for centuries, for utterly ridiculous reasons. Such as... A whole lot of the modern world you're enjoying right now exists thanks to the invention of the steam engine, which kicked off the industrial age. It was invented in 1712 and later improved by James Watt, who would get all of the credit (right down to everyone using his last name to measure electricity).
Wait, did we say it was invented in 1712? Some time in the first century, an engineer called Heron of Alexandria, or Hero to his friends, set to work on an aeolipile--a small, steam-powered turbine that propelled itself by shooting steam out of one or more orifices. Poser. How Could We Have Forgotten It? Look at it. Why Batman Is Secretly Terrible for Gotham.
The 6 Most Childish Things Ever Done in Congress. As an institution, you can't get much less respect from the public than the U.S. Congress does. Ask people why and they'll talk about under-the-table deals, lobbyists and in general not doing a whole lot to fix everyday problems of the working man. And that's too bad, because that's ignoring the fact that sometimes that shit gets truly ridiculous. And we're talking "drunken bar brawl" ridiculous here. Congressman Lyon Yields the Floor with Congressman Griswold's face There's a lot of tough talk on the floor of the House of Representatives, but how often do these loudmouths actually back it up with their fists? Almost never. This brings us to the skirmish between congressmen Roger Griswold of Connecticut and Matthew Lyon of Vermont on Feb. 15, 1798.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, and I'll thank you not to make a fuss of it. " Defending your manhood was a big deal on the floor of Congress back in those days, so Lyon replied that he had been in many a fight with people from Griswold's state. 6 Things You Won’t Believe Got Banned By Modern Governments. As much as we love thinking of ourselves as the rebellious kids fighting against an oppressive society run by unreasonable old men, the truth is that most things that are illegal are illegal for a reason. Society just doesn't enjoy your public urination as much as you do.
But sometimes, the grownups get it wrong. Hilariously wrong, in fact. #6. NSA Bans Furbies Good old 1998. Via canceledmodillionKah! We're talking about Furbies, some kind of nightmarish mechanical rabbit with a beak that quickly became the must-have toy for Christmas in 1998 and 1999. Via Chris FritzBecause Fridays are only "Bring your Cabbage Patch Kid into Work Day. " In 1999, an internal memo was sent out officially banning Furbies from the NSA's headquarters in Fort Meade, Maryland because officials were worried that people would take them home, and that the spiritual predecessor to Tickle Me Elmo would overhear, and proceed to talk about classified information.
But, it's easy to see how the NSA wouldn't know that. . #5. The 7 Most Terrifyingly Huge Things in the History of Nature. We may be the undisputed kings of the food chain, but when it comes to being pant-soilingly huge, we come up a bit short. We can hang out with tiny dogs and house cats until we feel like the T-Rex of our home -- but in the back of our mind, we know. Nature has produced terrifyingly huge and horrific organisms that could kill us without noticing, either by stepping on us, accidentally swallowing us the way we might swallow a fly or simply stopping our heart with sheer terror.
A Crab as Big as Your Car They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Via Wikimedia CommonsIn this case, almost all of them are some variation of AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Japanese spider crabs, in what we can only assume is a cruel joke from God, possess all the most terrifying qualities of each of its namesakes. Lets just make a list, shall we? Via NHM And from crabs it has: A hammer-proof body.Claws perfectly shaped for attacking soft human limbs.Years of pent up anger from seeing its family served with lemon butter. The 4 Most Important Things to Know as a Gamer Parent. The exact moment I knew I was a gamer parent -- that is, a gamer who happens to have kids, and not just the parent of kids who play games -- was when I heard my nine year-old son Drew proclaim, "They won't let you kill kids in this game?
That's a bunch of bullcrap," and immediately realized I was going to have to have a conversation with him about it. He was playing Fable II. One of my games. "Father, let us murder virtual children... together. " Knowing what to do in these situations is harder than it sounds. I'm one of those. It's Not Easy Keeping Adult Games Away from the Kids Let's look at my experience with Fable II. I left it laying out in a household with three children because, well, it was a pink game with the word "Fable" on the cover and a guy dressed like Link. Now, some of you reading this are already snickering, or perhaps dialing a hotline for child protective services, because you've played Fable II and know what's coming. Then, an hour later: "Dad? "A used condom. Nothing. The 5 Most Embarrassing Failures in the History of Terrorism. Terrorism isn't exactly rocket science. It's something pretty much anyone can do. You wake up one day and decide that you'd rather like to explode in the middle of a crowded shopping center, and BAM!
There you go. You're a certified terrorist. But, incredibly, people manage to fuck up even that. The Fort Dix Incident Terrorists are basically camwhores with guns instead of tits: they're always videotaping themselves, they desperately crave attention and rarely have anything interesting to say. If you need proof look back to 2007, when six would-be terrorists embarked on a plan to attack the Fort Dix military base in New Jersey.
They took it to Circuit City. How It Went Wrong: Despite what Best Buy would have you believe, not all Circuit City employees are terrorist sympathizers. The Plot Against the Thomas Jefferson Cultural Center The Thomas Jefferson Cultural Center was almost the victim of the Sistine Chapel of retarded terrorist attacks. The center is in there somewhere. Wait, really? The 6 Most Ill-Conceived Weapons Ever Built. Thousands of new weapons are designed every year, and chances are most of them are profoundly stupid. That's OK, though, because there are people whose entire job is to make sure the ridiculous weapons don't get built. However, every once in a while someone manages to sneak one past the reality checkers, and right onto the production line. Weapons such as ... armor.kiev.ua Back in World War II, New Zealand and Australia found themselves in an awkward position: They were technically part of the British Empire -- which meant they were at war with Japan.
Via Wikipedia CommonsWe've seen more menacing Micro Machines. Besides having the least-threatening name ever bestowed upon a tank, the Bob Semple barely qualified as one. The designers based it on an American tractor tank, but the problem was that they had no blueprints, no building materials outside those found in a farm and no idea what the hell they were doing. Via armor.kiev.ua millsgrenades.co.uk AKA "Satan's Maraca. " 7 Legendary Acts of Petty Revenge. Everyone gets pissed off sometimes. Occasionally, even the most even-headed among us will overreact in childish ways, such as locking your boyfriend out of the car or calling your girlfriend "the Devil. " But there are some people who take petty revenge to dizzying levels of perfection.
Getting a Bunch of Scientists to Sign a Paper Saying You're Stupid Being a scientist has to be tough. They spend their days staring down microscopes, knowing full well that when someone asks, "What do you do for a living? " Via WhatWouldOakleyDo"Whatever. When it comes to dealing with people who believe in creationism, it's got to be especially tough. Creationists tend to be less resigned, and often try to prove the legitimacy of their theory by compiling lists of scientists who doubt evolution. GettyIt was exactly as relevant as a Flogging Molly set list. Via Universe TodayLike building this.
Putting a Bear on Your Property Lord Byron is considered one of the greatest English poets ever. GettyThat's right. The 5 Least Romantic Keys to a Happy Relationship. Any old talk show psychologist can give you the business about date nights and fetish gear to keep the spark alive. That's Talk Show Psychologist Tips For Romance 101. But it takes a ballsy renegade to have the guts to let you know that saving a relationship might be about imagining the most romantic solutions possible -- then doing the opposite. That ballsy renegade is us. #5. Spend Less Time Together So it's been a long week at work, both of you are stressed out and when you do see each other, you end up fighting like rabid monkeys. GettyNo line to the women's toilets will ever come between you! Or not. Wait, What? This one sounds painfully obvious when explained, but we'll be damned if we can't think of a couple who doesn't make this mistake.
Studies show that it is actually better to keep your fun time separate, especially when it involves a hobby that one partner likes and the other just tolerates. GettyLike sleeping with other people. Getty"Wait, how did I get on this boat? #4. . #3. 7 Bullshit Police Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks to Movies) Hollywood has never been afraid to sacrifice realism for the sake of an entertaining story. And since pretty much every movie or TV show features the police in some way, we as an audience get fed a lot of total horseshit about how the law works and how cops operate in the USA. But as most of us are on the outside of the judicial system (for the moment) we usually don't even realize that what we're being told is incorrect.
So we just accept things like... Forensic Science is Magic As Seen On: The various CSI shows, Bones Typical Scenario: There has been a murder. His one mistake was having hair. Why it's Bullshit: First, do you have any idea how much random DNA you are carrying on the soles of your shoes this very instant? Also, certain laboratory tests such as DNA samples, toxicology and blood reports can take weeks or even months to process, and when they do finally arrive, they are about as clear cut as the plot to The Phantom Menace.
"Wait, they're racing now? " Yes, it would. 6 Insane Discoveries That Science Can't Explain. We like to feel superior to the people who lived centuries ago, what with their shitty mud huts and curing colds by drilling a hole in their skulls. But we have to give them credit: They left behind some artifacts that have left the smartest of modern scientists scratching their heads. For instance, you have the following enigmas that we believe were created for no other purpose than to fuck with future generations. The Voynich Manuscript The Mystery: The Voynich manuscript is an ancient book that has thwarted all attempts at deciphering its contents.
And it's not like some idiot just scribbled a bunch of nonsense on paper and went, "Figure THIS out, fuckwads. " It is actually an organized book with a consistent script, discernible organization and detailed illustrations. It appears to be a real language--just one that nobody has seen before. Translation: "...and when you get her to put the tennis racket in her mouth, have her stand in a fountain for a while. Why Can't They Solve It? 6 Eerily Specific World Events Predicted by Comics. The 5 Most Terrifying Civilizations In The History of the World.