5 Ways We Ruined the Occupy Wall Street Generation. At this moment, a whole lot of people, most of them 15 to 20 years younger than me, are protesting in every major city. What are they angry about? A lot of things, some of which are partially my fault. See, I'm a part of Generation X, the post-Baby Boom era kids who grew up on a mental diet of Beavis and Butthead and Alice in Chains. We wrote poems about how angry we were at our fathers, wore goatees like weapons and made panties burst into flames by playing Pearl Jam's Black on our acoustic guitars.
We were a bridge from the Baby Boomers to all you guys who are in high school and college now. This is not a sarcastic apology, I'm not a big enough dick to write all of this as a backhanded insult about how lazy and entitled you are. I'm honestly apologizing for ... #5. During one "Occupy Wall Street" protest, somebody from the Chicago Board of Trade dumped McDonald's applications on the protesters. Via Weknowmemes.com But I'm pretty sure we taught you the opposite of that. Photos.com #4. 5 Ridiculous Animal Myths That You Probably Believe. Somewhere, right now, an adult is quoting an interesting animal "fact" that he actually learned from an old cartoon. Or from some other equally unreliable source. This is why sayings like "blind as a bat" persist even though bats can in fact see (tip: try substituting the more accurate phrase, "Blind as a man with two assholes in his face instead of eyes"). Anyway, as we've pointed out before, animals are one of those subjects particularly vulnerable to laughable misconceptions.
Which is why even today you can hear somebody say ... #5. You're a little kid, and you have discovered a newly hatched chick for the first time. On one hand, the warning is well advised. Getty"I just want some goddamned time to my goddamned self. " It's a big enough problem that it's actually against the law to try and raise a native species of baby bird yourself; it's punishable by up to six months in jail and a fine up to 15 grand.
Getty"They caught me selling a dimebag of baby crows to an undercover. " #4. . #3. 6 Reasons Writing for the Internet is the Best Job Ever. Many people have described writing online as being slowly lowered into a vat of acidic bile, without the benefit of being Batman first. And they're not wrong. But they write off their own motivations as a form of brain damage: An ignorance of the real world, an inability to count money and a desperate compulsion that would result in arrest if it involved showing their genitals instead of simply talking about them. But writing online is the best job in the world, especially since I found out that "cheerleader tester" isn't a real position. GettyI can (and frequently do) dream. Vigorously. And that's the first advantage: I couldn't talk about cheerleaders while not wearing pants in any other work environment without getting fired.
. #6. Getty Comments are everywhere. But here's the thing: Commenters really are like radiation, in that they can generate an uninterrupted stream of pure power. Alternating Comment #5. For me, becoming a freelancer was like becoming Dr. . #4. 6 Tiny Things That Have Mind-Blowing Global Impacts. The butterfly effect isn't just a confusing mess of a movie about prison beatings and child molestation starring the guy from Punk'd, it's an actual scientific principal.
Every day, seemingly insignificant things can make changes on a global scale. Termites Are Warming the Planet If we said termites have a worldwide impact, you'd assume we're talking about eating buildings. And they do their share of damage (to the tune of about $2.5 billion a year) but their real impact is less obvious.
Most of the planet's population of termites are living peacefully in massive colonies in more tropical regions (well, we guess they live peacefully, the other bugs may consider them assholes for all we know). They live in giant mounds, they look like either aliens have invaded and built mini skyscrapers, or the earth itself is sporting wood. Figure 1.1: Earth-boner. So how are these little guys changing the planet? The Impact: Fuck! Through sheer numbers. 250 trillion of these. Teamwork! 6 Slacker Behaviors That Science Says Are Good For You. Every grizzled mentor worth their salt will tell you that success takes a lot of work.
Getting a good job requires an education, good health requires discipline and good hair requires vigorous conditioning. But science says that while those high-octane achievers may make more money and climb the career ladder faster, it's the slackers who prevail in the end. Just consider... Smoking Weed May Fight Alzheimer's and Cancer First of all, if marijuana is illegal where you live, printing out this article for the judge is not going to get you out of jail or make your white guy dreadlocks any less ridiculous--we're not advocating that you break the law. So How is This Helpful? According to Professor Raphael Mechoulam, what we should be focusing on when it comes to weed are cannabinoids. One example of how cannabinoids could be used is for the treatment of Alzheimer's. For instance, this man will live forever. Suck on that, cancer! Again, you should always obey the laws in your area. 6 Slacker Behaviors That Science Says Are Good For You.
6 Terrible Ideas That Science Says Will Save the Planet. Ridiculous times call for ridiculous measures. With catastrophe constantly threatening the planet from countless directions, every option is on the table. Or is it? Because there are some pretty wacky damned schemes that have been invented by people who are otherwise considered geniuses. We're not qualified to say if these drastic measures would work or not. All we're saying is that if it comes down to any of these, we may already be screwed. #6. It's estimated that cosmic boulders over 0.6 mile in diameter regularly hit Earth every 500,000 years or so, utterly obliterating all life around their impact sites and sending ripples of species-killing horror through the ecosystem. "Now wait a minute," you might be saying ,"what's wrong with sticking a couple of nuclear warheads up the asteroid's ass and calling it a day?
" Aside from the obvious. Also known as the "Fuck You Line. " Russia who now? #5. It totally worked in The Matrix! ...to fill the sky with reflective mirrors. Just like in Futurama! 5 Terrible Ideas That Solved Huge Global Problems. The ability to think outside the box is a valuable skill that tends to bring its possessor fame and fortune.
But there's a fine line to be balanced -- if you think too far outside the box, the best you can hope for is that your padded cell is somewhat clean. Yet sometimes, the most far-fetched, cartoonish ideas are the ones that work best. All it takes is the right idea and the ability to convince somebody to spend lots of money trying it. #5. Tokyo Decides to Prevent Crime With Mood Lighting The Plan: Nearly every city in the world wishes it could flip a magic switch that would cut down on crime, and only one city has a switch that turns on the Bat Signal. PsychcentralThat's the sign for robot prostitutes. Yeah, right. How It Worked: Oh, wait, it totally did. And piped in some smooth jazz. Next, the Tokyo railroad decided to get in on the blue-light action, though the problem they wanted to solve wasn't so much the crime.
Seriously? Getty"I just can't leave a world that invented The Smurfs. " The 5 Most Mind-Blowingly Huge Machines Built By Science. Although it seems that modern technology is all about making everything smaller, when it comes to unlocking the secrets of the universe, science is all about going big. Really big. Right at this moment, scientists and engineers are in the process of building -- or using -- instruments that look like the engine for a Star Destroyer.
Like ... #5. The competition to create the world's biggest laser sounds in every way like a duel between competing supervillains, with names like "The Omega Laser" and "The Z Machine. " llnl.govThis thing has three giant shark tanks and no bathrooms. Yeah, that's the Department of Energy's National Ignition Facility in Livermore, California. WikipediaIt's like Where's Waldo?
So what does all of that stuff do? What could possibly be the purpose of such a thing, short of carving your name onto the face of the moon? WikipediaIn other words, the NIF is here to bust a nut. llnl.govIt's at this point that scientists turn to steampunk. #4. Why? #3. Ha, no, not really. The 5 Most Easily Avoidable Movie Deaths. The 6 Most Pointless Supervillain Schemes Ever Hatched. Most supervillain schemes are pretty stupid, when you think about it: Lex Luthor wanted to get rich with a ridiculous real estate scam in the first Superman movie, and that's considered a classic.
Again: a real estate scam. YOU HAVE MISSILES, DUDE! Anyway, that's just the tip of the iceberg. As usual, you have to go to the source material to find the most idiotic, pointless or bizarre examples, such as ... There are lots of reasons why criminals should be afraid of Batman: He's trained in martial arts, he's a genius detective and he's dressed like a giant bat. Women: Way more dangerous and effective than bullets to the face. The reasoning here seems to be that if Batman got married, he wouldn't spend so much time patrolling the city -- he'd probably be, like, watching Grey's Anatomy every night. Make him look homicidally angry, just like women want.
Batman and Robin are inundated by women desperate to get in their underpants. "Just as I was about to continue not being groped by hot women! " The 5 Most Needlessly Evil Movie Villain Strategies. Some classic movie bad guys have great motivations, like Darth Vader ("corrupted by the Force"), Voldemort ("I don't have a nose") or the shark from Jaws ("I am a shark"). Others are just crazy, like the Joker. But in a lot of cases, the bad guy is just an excuse for the hero to do stuff, and so the writers are forced to come up with some flimsy explanation for why this particular guy has chosen to do things that are bad ... even when there are much better and easier ways to accomplish what he wants.
Like ... #5. Up -- Charles Muntz During the first few minutes of Up, we are introduced to the bad guy, Charles Muntz. He's a famous explorer who falls into disrepute after allegations that his latest find -- a skeleton of a never-before-seen bird -- was a fake. It's a complicated film. Carl, his floating house and a Boy Scout named Russell somehow make it to South America and inadvertently befriend the same strange-looking bird Charles Muntz has been looking for all these years.
Uh, why? #4. 'Avatar' Is Horribly Written, Way Too Long, Totally Worth It. I'm Going to See Avatar. What do I need to know? #1. The movie is almost three hours, so if 3D makes you want to yack, bring a paper bag. Or go see it in 2D, where you won't have the benefit of the guy next to you going "My god, it's full of stars" to distract you from the basic plot and the really, REALLY shitty dialog (this is the man who wrote all of Edward Furlong's snappy slang in Terminator 2 after all). #2.
. #3. Uh... what? Yeah. So, he finally did it. Nope! Oh god... --and then the film becomes a bugfuck-insane adaptation of Dances With Wolves. OK, you're fucking with me, right? Again, no. Jake is asked to infiltrate the tribe living in a giant tree directly above their Unobtanium haul. Jake is more than happy to do so, mostly because he's a dumbass, but also because it means he gets to inhabit an Avatar: A cloned body of a Na'vi that he can operate from inside a tanning bed. Oh Goddamnit, when will somebody stop letting James Cameron make up words? Not this year, apparently. Right. 7 Famous Zombie Movie Weapons (That Would Get You Killed)
Zombies are the best imaginary enemy because they let you indulge in psychotic fantasies while still pretending to be the good guy. You're not a demented serial killer, you HAVE to slaughter your way through the crowds of people you see every day! Except they're all brain-damaged and incapable of teamwork! That's less sporting than an ice hockey team versus a figure skater, and even more fun. But it's only fun because, like all daydreams, you only imagine the good bits.
Very few people daydream about their own failures and pointless unnoticed deaths (and those that do are safely channeled into reality TV). Here's how seven spectacular anti-zombie weapons will get you killed. #7. Why it's awesome: The shotgun is a better anti-zombie strategy than cremation. Sixty down, 6 billion to go. At close-quarters you don't even need to aim: pump-actions turn you into a chick-chacking death machine, while double-barrels convert a crowded hallway into an escape path lightly misted with Eau De Corpse.
5 Halloween Parties Too Badass to Be Real (That Totally Are) Let's face it, Halloween will never be as cool as it was when you were a kid. Yes, as an adult you get the joy of slutty costumes and spending the evening drunk, but it's just not the same. Haunted houses aren't scary, costumes are lame and the parties are just cardboard decorations and people weeping quietly (your experiences there may vary). Well, it turns out you just need to know where to go. There are some places where the true spirit of Halloween lives on in grand fashion ... #5. Eastern State Penitentiary's Badass Haunted House easternstate First, let's talk about the Halloween staple, the haunted house. Now allow Pennsylvania to prove you wrong with Terror Behind the Walls. WalkwithyoungOnce you enter, you can never leave (except through the gift shop).
Built in 1829, the ESP had a reputation as a pretty nightmarish place when it was operational -- a visiting Charles Dickens described it as "worse than any torture of the body. " thejamisonianAnd maybe a dental dam. A haunted one. #4. 5 Logical Fallacies That Make You Wrong More Than You Think. The Internet has introduced a golden age of ill-informed arguments. You can't post a video of an adorable kitten without a raging debate about pet issues spawning in the comment section.
These days, everyone is a pundit. But with all those different perspectives on important issues flying around, you'd think we'd be getting smarter and more informed. Unfortunately, the very wiring of our brains ensures that all these lively debates only make us dumber and more narrow-minded. For instance ... #5. We're Not Programmed to Seek "Truth," We're Programmed to "Win" Think about the last time you ran into a coworker or family member spouting some easily disproven conspiracy theory -- somebody who still thinks Obama's birth certificate is a fake or that Dick Cheney arranged 9/11 to cover up his theft of $2.3 trillion from the government. That has literally never happened in the history of human conversation. Getty"OK, so Dick Cheney doesn't have a third arm. The Science: You do this, too. . #4. . #3. The Real World Fears Behind 8 Popular Movie Monsters. Whether she's playing a drunk girl, an obnoxious co-worker or a reluctant would-be porn star, Eliza Skinner's performances are always 100% committed; authentic to the point of making you uncomfortable.
Despite all that talent, she spends her spare time geeking out on her blog. We asked her to fill in for us this Saturday, so we could spend the day dyeing our underwear red in anticipation of the new Superman reboot. For some reason she agreed to do it. Popular movies reflect society's fears. In the 1970s everyone was scared of the monolithic Soviets, so the bad guys in Star Wars were the evil Empire. Likewise, horror movie monsters reveal our true anxieties. What You're Really Scared Of: People At first glance, modern zombie movies seem to be about a fear of disease - most of them feature the "infected" type of zombies, not the "crawled out of a grave to dance with Michael Jackson" type.
Likewise, any scientist will tell you our biggest problem isn't Bird Flu - it's overpopulation. The 7 Most Easily Escapable Movie Monsters. The 6 Stupidest Internet Reactions To Shocking News Stories. 6 Movie Monsters That Just Wouldn't Work. 8 Ways To Stay Positive About This Goddamn Stupid Recession. 7 Insane Ways Music Affects The Body (According to Science) 5 Unexpected Causes of Awkward Conversations With Your Kids. 5 Sci-Fi Ad Techniques That Are About to Make Life Creepier. 4 Idiots Who Show Up Wherever Religion Is Discussed Online. 6 B.S. Myths You Probably Believe About America's 'Enemies' If The Hero's Timing Had Been Slightly Off. The 6 Most Mind-Blowing Things Ever Discovered in Space. 6 Misleading Assumptions You Make About Quiet People. Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins.
6 Reasons We're In Another 'Book-Burning' Period in History. 3 Types of Wall Street Protesters Hurting Their Own Cause. 6 Baffling Early Prototypes of Your Favorite Video Games. 5 Things Our Kids Won't Have In School. 4 Reasons 3-D Movies Don't Have to Suck. The 7 Most Hilariously Mismatched Superhero Battles. 5 Absurd Ways Comic Books Have Resurrected Dead Superheroes. 8 Simple Questions You Won't Believe Science Can't Answer. 5 Ways Television Went Crazy Since I Quit Watching in 2003. The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time. The 6 Worst Comic Book Super-Husbands.