Chuck Hagel Actually Still Army Specialist. THE PENTAGON — An administrative review of military records has found that despite serving as the top civilian leader of the Pentagon for almost two years, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel is actually still an Army Specialist, Duffel Blog has learned.
Sources confirmed what many had suspected, as Hagel has been known to shrug off senior leadership and converse with junior enlisted troops whenever possible. “Goddamn four-stars just ramble on about ‘strategic oversight of combat’ and ‘stability operations at the theater level,'” Hagel said in a phone interview.
“I just want to know what the fuck we’re doing on Friday night.” The review, conducted by Army Human Resources Command, found that then-Sgt. Hagel was promoted in 1967 but the paperwork was filed incorrectly. “I always wondered why he avoided coming to my office,” said Senior Enlisted Adviser to the Joint Chiefs Sgt. Hagel, 68, has already been nicknamed “the grand old Specialist of the Army” by some officers in the Pentagon. Hagel Supports Ban On Tobacco Sales, Combat Operations To Improve Military Wellness.
THE PENTAGON — Telling reporters on Monday that “we owe it to our people,” Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel mentioned a number of items the Pentagon is considering banning to improve wellness across the force, to include tobacco products, energy drinks and combat operations.
“The military’s health care costs attributable to just combat operations are astounding,” Hagel said, rubbing his eyes since he didn’t get the recommended eight hours of sleep last night. “I think we need to take a look at these wars and take into account all the money being spent.” A memo sent from Hagel’s office to all military installations instructed commanders to begin eliminating tobacco sales, which it noted could have the effect of lowering costs of lung and mouth cancer while raising costs associated with mental health.
It also instructed all deployed units to begin studying the health effects of combat operations. “And I’ll give you my Cope tin lid when you pry it from my cold, dead hands,” Barrett added. Hagel Blowing Deployment Money On Strippers, Beer. WASHINGTON — After returning from his latest deployment to visit troops overseas, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel is spending all the money he earned in Afghanistan as fast as possible, Duffel Blog has learned.
Hagel has gone to Hooters every night since he has returned, where he thinks the waitresses are impressed by his war stories. After downing several pitchers of beer he takes a limousine downtown to The Shadow Room, where he spends several hundred dollars in an hour. “He was here last night,” bartender John Ray said. “He walked in, ordered bottle service, and started drinking straight from the bottle. Hagel Caught Cheating On Defense Secretary Proficiency Exam. The Pentagon By Paul | THE PENTAGON — Defense officials are in damage-control mode following the revelation from the Inspector General’s office that Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel allegedly cheated on his annual proficiency exam.
The finding couldn’t come at a worse time for the Pentagon, which is still dealing with an ongoing investigation into cheating amongst Air Force nuclear officers. “In the course of our investigation, we found that Hagel repeatedly copied off numerous undersecretaries of defense during evaluations,” the inspector general’s office said in a statement.
The IG noted that Hagel was likely trying to get ahead of younger officials who are gunning for the top spot. “To say I am disappointed would be an understatement,” said President Obama. First established in 1961, the Defense Secretary Proficiency and Evaluation Exam is a rigorous test given at senior levels of Pentagon leadership. Still, there were warning signs ahead of the IG’s formal report. Hagel Names Woman As Next Marine Commandant. QUANTICO, VA — She’s been in combat, she wants to radically reorganize the Marine Corps, and she thinks male Marines need to stop whining and put their big girl panties on.
This week we sat down for a one-on-one interview with Gen. Isabella Santiago, who sources at the Pentagon say is poised to become the Marine Corps’ first-ever woman commandant. Santiago will replace current commandant Gen. James Amos, whose term has been marred by a series of public relations fiascoes and scandals. Defense Secretary Hagel Blows Remaining FY13 Budget On Hard Rock Cafe ‘Rager’ WASHINGTON, DC – With the books closing on fiscal year 2013, Pentagon sources confirmed that Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel blew the remainder of the defense budget over the weekend on hundreds of orders of nachos and thousands of beers at Hard Rock Cafe.
As the Oct. 1 date loomed, Pentagon leaders were struggling to spend every penny alotted. Sources confirmed that Secretary of Defense Chuck “Good Times” Hagel stumbled in at that precise moment and shouted, “Whatever!” Befuddled board members stared blankly as Hagel set out to rent the nearest Hard Rock Café for a “total fucking rager.” He then went on to assemble his wolf pack by running throughout the halls of the Pentagon clanking two empty bottles of Wild Turkey 101 together while screaming “Leeeeeroy Jenkins!” Ever ready to answer the call, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, along with Tom Gordon – a humble comptroller whose sole duty was to ensure every single penny was spent – embarked on a party bus full of hookers and blow.
Gen. Report: Solution To Syria Chemical Weapons Crisis Result Of Drug And Alcohol Bender. WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources confirm that the solution to the chemical weapons crisis in Syria came as a result of an all-night bender attended by Secretary of State John Kerry and Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel.
According to sources, Hagel texted Kerry stating that he felt overworked and needed a “wingman to blow off steam and bitch about my boss.” Fellow veteran Kerry agreed, stating that he had some “righteous weed and a few pills left over from Theresa’s accident.” By night’s end, a peaceful political solution to Syria’s use of chemical weapons against its own people was devised after hours of drinking, marijuana use and free flowing conversation. “Yeah those two bums were down here,” said Mike O’Leary, bartender at The Velvet Lounge, a D.C. dive bar. “They came in looking like they had been at it for a bit. “They were looking all down, and kept talking about giving up. Obama Weighs Intervention After Secretary Hagel Crosses 'Drunk-In-Public' Red Line. WASHINGTON, DC – Insisting his administration has been exceptionally clear on standards of conduct for state dinners and public events, President Barack Obama says he is seriously considering staging an intervention for Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, who is yet again fucking wasted right there in front of fucking everybody.
“There are rules in our nation’s capital,” Obama said, laboriously coaxing Hagel back into soiled tuxedo pants. “Chuck here made a choice. He crossed a red line. Now, as his boss and as a friend, I’ve got to send a message that this sort of sophomoric bullshit is simply unacceptable.” “Alright, party animal,” he added. Defense Secretary Put On Restriction For Taking Duty Van On Beer Run. The Pentagon WASHINGTON, D.C. — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel was awarded fifteen days restriction for taking the Pentagon’s duty van on an unauthorized late night beer run, according to officials.
“We were in the barracks knocking a few back,” General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told Duffel Blog. Obama's Pick For Secretary of Defense Under Fire For Connection To 'E-4 Mafia' Chuck Hagel in Vietnam WASHINGTON, D.C. – A political fight has been ignited after President Obama announced the nomination of former soldier and Senator Chuck Hagel to Secretary of Defense.
The choice is seen as controversial due to past comments from Hagel about Israel, gays in the military, and shadowy connections to a group known as the “E-4 Mafia.” “Chuck has served our nation in battle, and knows the burden our troops face,” President Obama told reporters. Controversial Views Hold Up Chuck Hagel Confirmation. The Pentagon By drew | WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican lawmakers are continuing their filibuster of Chuck Hagel to head the Defense Department, citing controversial statements he’s made in the past.
It’s the first use of the filibuster against a nomination for Secretary of Defense in American history. Hagel came under fire at his confirmation hearing for actually saying the United States should try to negotiate with countries before invading them and wanting to bring an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. But one of the most damaging statements came in an official biography, when he said, “I will do all I can to prevent war,” — a sentiment that pretty much everyone thinks is the worst idea ever. “You are soft on defense,” Sen. And even some Democratic senators are expressing second thoughts. “I reviewed some of your statements about the Iraq war,” Sen. The former Republican senator has also been criticized for once saying, “I am an American senator, not an Israeli one.”
Hagel Celebrates 'White Christmas' With Mountain Of Cocaine In Pentagon Office. The Pentagon.