HOW TO WRITE GOOD. Caveat emptor. Carpe diem. O si villi, si ergo, fortibus es in ero. Et tu, brute. by Frank L. Visco My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules: Avoid alliteration. Encyclopedia of Humor. 1 Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what hed like to eat. “Ill have some fuckin French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. 2 My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” 3 Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. 4 Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” 5 A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: hes allowed to say two words every seven years.
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 If you liked this, you might also like: master card proposal Posted in: Doctors Jokes, Funny Lists, Funny Quotes, Irish Jokes, Jews Jokes, Lawyers Jokes, Men Jokes, Religion Jokes, Saint Peter Jokes, Sex Jokes, Women Jokes Random Post | Submit a Joke. Useless facts, Weird Information, humor. Post-apocalyptic survival: Lessons from The Book of Eli | In Case of Survival.
Shmitten Kitten: Pics and Vids: Be Honest. 5 Ways To Hack Your Brain Into Awesomeness. Much of the brain is still mysterious to modern science, possibly because modern science itself is using brains to analyze it. There are probably secrets the brain simply doesn't want us to know. But by no means should that stop us from tinkering around in there, using somewhat questionable and possibly dangerous techniques to make our brains do what we want.
We can't vouch for any of these, either their effectiveness or safety. All we can say is that they sound awesome, since apparently you can make your brain... #5. Think You Got a Good Night's Sleep (After Only Two Hours of Actual Sleep) So you just picked up the night shift at your local McDonald's, you have class every morning at 8am and you have no idea how you're going to make it through the day without looking like a guy straight out of Dawn of the Dead, minus the blood... hopefully. "SLEEEEEEEEEP... uh... Holy Shit! We're pretty sure Kramer did this once on Seinfeld. The best way to start it off is to just jump right in. . #4. . #3. LOTS OF PUNS. ...A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.
He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything. " ...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... ...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face... ...These two strings walk upto a bar... ...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey!
...A neutron walks into a bar. Back. College-e1298880176359.jpg (JPEG Image, 640x617 pixels) Random funny pictures. You can prevent yourself from crying. Mathy-nerd-love.jpg (JPEG Image, 450x391 pixels) YTMND - Holy shi* it's a Dinosaur! WTF? (jurassic park) Pic of the day: katy perry shoutout. Steve Jobs Dilemma. Deep, Hipsterish “Words on Pictures” Parody | SadAndUseless.com. 26 Awesome Animated GIFs (5.5.11) | Via via via via via via via via via the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog (via) via via via via via via via via via via via via. Funny Pictures and nothing else! Will Be Right Back. 50 State Stereotypes In 2 Minutes. What would these United States be without our quirky differences? Not to mention the well-worn stereotypes those quirks have born. Oversimplified conceptions truly are American!
Author Paul Jury has some fun with that notion in the promo for his book below called "50 State Stereotypes In Two Minutes. " We think you'll enjoy Jury's descriptions of both the states you hate as well as the ones you love (if not, how about that delightful background music?). Check out the transcript to find a specific state.
We always appreciate an equal-opportunity offender. Via Reddit/TDW. Lexophiles. LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS): 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. Listen: Samuel L. Jackson narrates "Go the Fuck to Sleep" Author Adam Mansbach, after repeated struggles to get his two-year-old daughter to fall asleep, once sent out a jokey Facebook post reading: "Look out for my forthcoming children's book, 'Go the Fuck to Sleep.'" The one-liner amused many of his Facebook friends, and the next thing you know, Mansbach had assembled some verses, and bootleg PDF copies of the profanity-laced opus were suddenly going viral.
The thirty-two-page Go the Fuck to Sleep was picked up by a small Brooklyn publishing house, and even reached number one on Amazon's bestseller list ahead of memoirs by Tina Fey and Steven Tyler, well before its official publication date, which was yesterday. So this children's book for adults is now a full-blown phenomenon, and has weathered a little controversy, as New Zealand Christian group Family First has lobbied New Zealand's booksellers not to sell the book. This all makes for an amusing story, but it gets better. None other than Pulp Fiction's Jules Winnfield himself, Samuel L. The Best Sentence I Have Read All Year. 114604_700b.jpg (JPEG Image, 630x682 pixels) - Scaled (94. ERUDITE CONCEPTS. If you're not familiar with the work of Boswell D. Rabbitsmith, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
" His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems: (He also makes his living as a comedian by the name of Steve Wright....) 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
A.S.B. • Hello, alcohol poisoning. Funny Anti Jokes. What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline. We’ve just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn’t make the original cut (like comments) but they’ll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK! Want more?
Cats. Bohemian-rhapsoda-23378-1299518455-7.jpg (JPEG Image, 600x462 pixels) Inception Animals. Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk. Dog Growls at His Own Foot from That Happened!