5 Terrible Situations for the Socially Awkward Man. You probably know how to function in society. You know how to talk to new people, how to order food in restaurants, and you know exactly what time you're supposed to show up at parties. I'm here to let you know that there's an entirely separate class of people that doesn't know all of those things.
They show up too early to things, they disappointingly eat full meals they never ordered because they're too afraid to tell the waiter to send it back, and they have no idea how to shake hands with black people. They are socially awkward, they are everywhere, and these are their nightmares. Massages are probably really great. Getting a massage means being mostly naked while getting intensely rubbed by a complete stranger while something shitty, probably Enya, plays in the background. "Look, your head is full-on inside her vagina, there's no way this is against the rules, I'm gonna stop by and say Hi. " And that will never make sense to you. Standing Next to Someone at a Urinal *You feel cold. The 7 Most Needlessly Terrifying Pieces of Heavy Machinery. If you never dreamed of driving a huge tank fitted with a giant chainsaw while growing up, then congratulations on having been a well-adjusted kid.
As for the rest of us? Well, people like us grew up and built these machines for real. That's why right this moment, somebody somewhere is behind the wheel of ... The Chain Trencher, aka Chainsaw Tank This looks like a battle tank used to fight a Cyclops, or a giant chainsaw with tank treads (which is exactly what you would use to fight a Cyclops). What It Is: Actually, this one is exactly what it looks like -- a giant goddamn chainsaw with wheels.
Also, there are giant man-portable trenchers. Vermeer, the company that manufactures the trencher shown above, makes models that can dig trenches up to 18 feet deep and four-feet wide, which is roughly the size of a fat giant. Imagine all that dirt was Nazis, and you'll have some idea of how awesome our Wolverine screenplay is. ... which at its deepest can dig down 24 feet and as wide as 5 feet. If Every Excuse Turned Out to Be True. The 6 Most Bizarre Medical Hoaxes People Actually Believed. The human body can do amazing things. If you need proof, just type "parkour" into a search engine. But every so often, we're told a story so remarkable that it's almost impossible to believe it. And we should listen to that instinct. The idea of a pregnant man has fascinated scientists and writers of corny comedies ever since cave people first figured out that some people had babies but some people didn't.
"This make great vehicle for sweaty Austrian man. " But if you believe hundreds of bloggers and YouTube viewers, male pregnancy is already a reality. But upon closer inspection, there is something awfully suspicious going on here. Wait a minute ... As it turns out, Mingwei and his collaborator, Virgil Wong, are both conceptual artists who say the website was "created to be an exploration of a very likely scenario that may one day result from new advances in biotechnology and infertility treatments.
" This man. "Hey now, we can't go fact-checking when there are headlines to write. " 6 Musicians Who Accidentally Crapped Out Masterpieces. The music industry spends millions trying to chart trends, isolate demographics and generally predict the necessary ingredients for a No. 1 single. But every now and then a song comes along that makes it all the way to the top end of the charts by sheer fluke. Rock Around the Clock by Bill Haley Contrary to popular belief, 1954's Rock Around the Clock was not the first rock 'n' roll song to be recorded. In fact, it wasn't even Bill Haley's first rock 'n' roll record. Rock Around the Clock (RATC), however, was the first-ever rock song to hit No. 1 on the pop charts, thus transforming rock from a mere novelty act to a dominant force of popular music and the No. 1 cause of boob autographs in Western culture.
Not always a good thing. And it almost never happened. On second thought, we may be willing to risk it. When Haley recorded RATC, his producer insisted on slapping the song on the B side of the record. Most animals couldn't be bothered to piss on a B side. Wipeout by The Surfaris. 7 Basic Things You Won't Believe You're All Doing Wrong. If you're like us, you might sometimes have a problem with complex tasks, like trying to drive an ambulance and send a text message at the same time. But hey, at least most of us have figured out the simplest things that get us through the day, right? Except, you know, some of the simple things we've done every day of our lives, like ... What could be simpler than taking a good crap? Even babies are good at it. You might be surprised, then, to find out that even those of us who can burp without throwing up get this wrong every single day.
The one who just threw up on the other one's shoulder is better at pooping. Chances are the pooping facility nearest you is a sitting toilet, a relatively recent invention that flushed its way into mankind's heart with the advent of indoor plumbing in the 19th century. GettyFuture toilets will exist just to kill us. So how the hell are we meant to do it? Luckily, there's a relatively simple way to end this poop dilemma. GettyDemonstrated here. 6 Baffling Internet Searches for Medical Advice. There is an adage popularized in academia and which has since seeped into the cultural lexicon that says, "There are no stupid questions. " Sadly, this saying lost the majority of its advocates right around the time the Internet took off and everyone realized their tolerance for stupidity was grossly over-pledged. When anything is possible, humanity has chosen to lick its elbows.
There are thousands of bewildering questions poured into search engines every day, which is a scary prospect both because the Internet is a breeding ground for misinformation and because the majority of those searches are for medical advice. What's more, advertisers buy page real-estate around those searches, hoping to cash in on the naiveté and desperation of the sickly instead of offering them the help they're hunting. Ignorance deserves better. Easter Eggs You Never Noticed in Famous Video Games. 5 Soviet Space Programs That Prove Russia Was Insane. The thing about the Iron Curtain is that we'll never fully know what crazy shit went on behind it during the Cold War. And that's too bad, because the little hints that leak out really make it look like these people just did not give a shit. Take the Soviet space program. We know they were the first to get both a satellite and a human in orbit, which were both pretty admirable accomplishments. What they kept hidden from the world was that maintaining even minimal levels of safety was a completely foreign concept to them.
And that the cosmonauts who flew their rickety ass spaceships must have had balls made of elephant tusks. Here are five spectacularly audacious Soviet space programs that prove that in Soviet Russia, space goes into you. #5. Between 1951 and 1966, the USSR sent over twenty dogs into the cosmos, but to be fair, they weren't the only ones who tested the viability of human space travel by sending animals up first.
We're guessing PETA never had a Soviet equivalent. #4. . #3. 8 Famous Movies Made by The Last Person You'd Ever Suspect. Almost every successful person working in Hollywood sticks to his or her thing that they like. You would never see, say, David Fincher doing slapstick gross-out comedy, or Michael Bay directing a Jane Austen-type movie (unless, maybe, if the Little Women were also fighter pilots). But sometimes these folks, with their well-defined comfort zones, lend a hand to movies so bizarrely out-of-character for them it's like they only did it to say, "There, I can do other stuff too.
Happy? " It's Pat Was Co-Written by Quentin Tarantino Based on a Saturday Night Live sketch where the audience couldn't tell whether the obnoxious character Pat was a man or a woman, the comedy movie It's Pat tells the story of ... the exact same joke. Getty"What hath SNL wrought? " But it was made by ... Quentin Tarantino. The guy who made Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill has an ego so massive that according to science, it should have long ago collapsed on itself like a neutron star. Hot. Getty"Sorry. " Hilarious! 6 Artists Whose Weird Fetishes Defined Pop Culture. It doesn't take a cinema genius to catch that most of Martin Scorsese's movies feature violent sociopaths. And you don't need to be a horror/geography wunderkind to notice that every Stephen King book is about an unexplainable evil being evil in New England.
Those trademarks are part of the reason we like the work of those guys. But what's really interesting are the artists who have been flaunting their bizarre fixations in our faces for years but have never been called out on them. Until now ... Joss Whedon Clearly Has a Foot Fetish If geek fandom was a high school, Whedon would be its resident golden boy jock. Ladies. The secret trademark: It's definitely a creepy foot fetish. When you really think about it, it's not that often that you see bare feet on the little screen. To be fair, most of these do belong to Summer Glau's character, River, who was supposed to be the show's psychic warrior dancer of sorts (you know how all dancers hate shoes). Man, feminism is easy! Bathrooms.
Dr. Gross. 8 Historic Symbols That Mean The Opposite of What You Think. Misunderstood By: Libertarians, Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck has recently found a soul mate in Thomas Paine, the Founding Father known for his Revolutionary War tract Common Sense. So much so that he's gone so far as to rewrite Common Sense for the modern era, essentially stuffing words hand over fist into the mouth of a centuries-dead political philosopher for the soul-shriveling disgust Beck knows Paine would feel about Barack Obama. Libertarians and tea partiers are so enamored by their new ideological BFF that they've taken to dressing up like him on YouTube and spouting off about the evils of taxation, weak foreign policy and too many brown people.
But Beck and his minions could probably benefit from actually reading some Thomas Paine. "Pay as a remission of taxes to every poor family, out of the surplus taxes, and in room of poor-rates, four pounds a year for every child under fourteen years of age. " An entitlement paying old people to support them for not working? The 5 Most Famous Musicians Who Are Thieving Bastards. Every artist "steals" a little, whether they realize it or not. For instance, we talk about how some musician was "influenced" by music they grew up with, even if sometimes that influence consists of outright stealing and/or barely remixing a classic. That's just the way it works. But sometimes, it's even more blatant than that. In fact, some of the most successful musical acts in history based huge chunks of their careers entirely on plagiarism.
Led Zeppelin are remembered for two things: banging a groupie with a mudshark and recording songs that rocked harder than any band had ever rocked before. Don't believe us? A young Jake Holmes played a song of the same name (and chords, and lyrics kind of) at a show in 1967 where he was opening for The Yardbirds, who featured--say it with us! But who cares, right? Gross. Too bad they jacked that shit too. How did nobody notice that? They never did. In hip-hop, there are two schools of thought when it comes to sampling. Dicks. 9 Famous Movie Villains Who Were Right All Along. Being a movie villain is not easy. Nobody respects your work, everyone loves your sworn enemy, and cheers if he straight up murders your ass.
Of course, the villains deserve it, right? Well, actually Hollywood is littered with supposedly evil characters that, when you take a step back and ignore the cackling laughter and yellow teeth, were clearly the ones getting screwed over. Here are the so called bad guys who got the rawest deals of all: #9.
The "villain": Mr. Above: The eyes of an educator. Hold on a minute there: Let's get the obvious out of the way: this is his goddamned job. The movie glosses over the fact that Ferris couldn't read And you know what? And we're asked to sit back and say, "serves him right for caring about the future of our country! " Suddenly the recession makes sense. #8. The Night of Broken Glasses would end differently.
If they require licenses for concealed handguns, they should probably keep this guy on file too. And what happens when he can't? #7. Simba: Wow. . . . #6. 5 Ridiculous Gun Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks to Movies) Even in gun-crazy America, most of us aren't shooting things as part of our day-to-day routine. So most Americans actually know very little about guns. Hollywood writers realized this a long time ago and, being writers, used it as an excuse to never do any fact-checking ever again. Silencers Turn Gunfire Into a Gentle Whisper Where You've Seen It: In The Line Of Fire, Die Hard 2, No Country For Old Men, Shooter, practically every James Bond movie. The Myth: Cautious spies and assassins know that if you're going to take out a bad guy in an office or a library, be sure to use a silencer.
Above: Stealth. Itty-bitty handguns aren't the only things you can silence. Also, while silencers look all slick and expensive and fancy, Hollywood says pretty much any long, hollow tube will do the job. The Problem: Exploding gunpowder is loud. If you can't watch the video, let us sum it up: It still sounds like a freaking handgun. So a silencer really just makes a large gun sound like a smaller gun.
7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly) Let's pretend for a moment that zombies are real (as if half of you weren't already daydreaming about that very thing). Have you noticed how most zombie movies take place only after the apocalypse is in full-swing? By the time we join our survivors, the military and government are already wiped out, and none of the streets are safe. There's a reason the movie starts there, and not earlier. It's because the early part, where we go from one zombie to millions, doesn't make any sense.
If you let the creeping buzzkill of logic into the zombie party, you realize the zombies would all be re-dead long before you even got a chance to fire up that chainsaw motorcycle you've been working on. Why? #7. Do you know why we, as humans, are at the top of the current food chain? We are simply too smart and too well-armed for any wild animal to hunt.
If you're saying, "Sure, but it's not like my city is full of bears that can come eat all the zombies," you need to think smaller. . #6. . #5. Look at it. #4. 5 Adorable Animals That Are Turning to the Dark Side. Let's face it, animals are bastards. With all of the ant slavery, ape war and duck rape in the world, it's easy to decide nature is something best left to the wild. But there are those animals that -- thanks to Disney and The Far Side -- we tend to think are more likely to dispense witty one liners than bite our face. But while we've been busy rooting for them, they've been quietly revealing their true colors ... The Good Squirrels are Exhibit A in what a cute face and a bushy tail can do for your cred among humans. The Evil The animal kingdom is like prison. "Come on, take the first swing. Between May 2006 and March 2007, multiple squirrels attacked 13 people, mostly children.
Sure. Fish and Game declared the squirrels in the park a "threat to continued public safety" and began trapping and killing them. This is not an isolated incident. Not pictured: Baseball bats and a lot of lye soap. According to eyewitness testimony, the squirrels descended and tore the dog to pieces. 6 Things Our Kids Just Plain Won't Get. 8 Actors Who Look Exactly The Same on Every Movie Poster. 8 Absurd Jokes That Predicted Real Life Events. 6 Songs That Were Decades Ahead of 'Groundbreaking' Music. Cracked.