Fantastic Focaccia! I’m all about bread this week…I have a total yeast infection. After returning from Harrogate, Bettys cook book in hand, we all snuggled up on the sofa to catch up on The Great British Bake Off (Sky+ what would we do without you?). It was “Bread Week”, the equivalent to “Make-Over Week” on Americas Next Top Model but with slightly less tears, transvestites and screaming queens…ok, about the same amount…but no Tyra.
As fate, luck, general coincidence (a baking show and a cook book having the same things?! Shock SHOCK) would have it, there was a focaccia recipe in the Bettys book which happened to be the technical bake for the week! We were also planning bolognese for dinner the next day so it was totally time for a focaccia fiesta! After looking through the Bettys recipe, it didn’t seem to have that much water in it; If you watched the GBBO you will know that focaccia dough is a sloppy madam; if it is dry and bready Paul Hollywood will smack you down!! Focaccia commin' attcha! Ooooh! Sasquiche! The abominable tart of deliciousness!
Ok, here was the situation… We had a vegetarian coming to stay We were going out dancing so needed a light dinner Here are the problems… We don’t have a smallish fluted tart tin (I know, right? What kind of bakers are we?) We had been drinking all the live long day Plan of action… Invent a tasty, vegetarian quiche that won’t give that “would be better with meat” thinkingBake said quiche in a state of low to moderate inebriation ugly as hell yet tastes like heaven...if heaven was made of cheese...is heaven made of cheese? Oh Torontes, you Argentinian fiend! Goats cheese, red onion and fig quiche Pastry Filling So how did ours go? Firstly we made the pastry THREE TIMES! Oh those smooth unfluted edges are like a dagger to my heart! I will say, despite the “rustic” appearance and the slap-dash cookery skills it tasted AWESOME! Seriously, the pastry was NOT as thick as it looks...that soooooo sounds like a fat chick justifying skinny jeans Black border thing-to hide my feet!
Like this: Like Loading... Miss Muffet part I: Cottage cheese? No whey!! (Why can’t we stop with the terrible puns?) Who knew you could split milk and do marvellous things with both parts? Not I! This all got started as we go through so much cottage cheese, around 1kg per day (seriously!). It is the perfect food! There must be a way of saving money by making our own, right? Turns out NO! But! Say cheese (sort of) Home made cottage cheese 2.2l milk4 tbsp approx lemon juicesalt to season to your liking (about 1 tsp)Heat milk with salt until boilingAdd lemon juice and stir until curdled (looks so gross btw)Strain into a colander lined with muslinPull corners of muslin together and twist to make little cheesy ball bag (you may want to let it cool a bit first!) You can just chop the ball up and use it for things. Cottage cheese, the Uggs of dairy...not very pretty but so comforting and practical.
Next post will be what to do with the whey…it looks like a massive jar of man fluid (sorry, but it totally does). Like this: Like Loading... Miss Muffet part II: Fruity Whey Wonderbuns. So after making a teeny tiny amount of cottage cheese we had about two litres of liquid whey left over… It turns out that whey is awesome as the liquid component for bread making (it’s supposed to make a softer sweeter bread and help rise and other things)!!!
How good when we are all about the bread at the moment! So what to do? What to do?! Once again our baking was driven by Simon requiring nice snacks to keep him going at work; we also had a pile of home-grown stewed apples from Granny Dot…fruit filled bread snacks it is then! We got all experimental, overfilled the muffin tins leading to upsetting overflow but the result was a super light, spongy, springy bread with a sticky gooey centre…yumers! Nice buns, perky Fruity Whey Wonderbuns Filling (I didn’t really measure anything so just make up a small bowl full) Dough don't you hate it when people get a glimpse of your stuffing? As you can see ours were a bit of a mess! Who doesn't love a raisin?
Gobble gobble nom nom Like this: Like Loading... 21212 Edinburgh…and two douches in a spacesuit… So, the boys sneaked off to Edinburgh for their second wedding anniversary, leaving me once again to hold down the fort…let’s see what they got up to! First things first, Edinburgh is one hilly mofo! Do not wear Prada trainers (Simon) or Vivienne Westwood pirate boots and expect to get home with ankles and knees intact…totally pretty though(the city, not the footwear…but the shoes did kick fashion ass)! Beautiful stone buildings, elaborate monuments all placed within rolling hills of green…from the North Bridge the view is so “OMG! I’m in Rivendell! Bilbo?”. A hobbit and an elf...something inappropriate about being lord of a ring. Anyways, back to 21212! So, the genius who owns the place (Paul Kitching) is well known from his old Michelin starred restaurant, Juniper, which is…down the road from our house!
I promise I’ll talk food soon, but the bedrooms first, (only four of them, 1, 2, 12 & 21), delightful! This thing needs it's own coastguard Soooooo, finally, the food! Too many cooks? Mini Naanana… Saturday naan Saturday naan Saturday night you know the curry’s gettin’ hot…like you baby! I’ll make you naan so you can eat the spicy slop…I’ll drive you crazy!
Did I just rewrite Whigfield? It's carby time! Oh! It's carby time! Anyways, I was going out to Greater Manchester Skeptics so Si needed dinner that would be ready when he fiiiiinally got home. Home made chicken curry with basmati rice and…home made mini naan! I worked out I could make the naan in the 30 minutes the curry would take (and with the ingredients I had lying around)…Jamie/Macgyver…eatcha heart out. Super Quick Mini Naan pan of naan Generally naan should be tear-drop shaped which I find rolling out free hand to be annoyingly difficult to get consistent (I have been known to stamp my feet and throw dough across the room in a big hissy fit). Sacrificial circle...offering to the curry gods They looked a little rigidly uniform but being so tiny I think it works. Fan of naan man with naan Like this: Like Loading... Finlaystein; or, the modern Prometheus.
A Bakery and a B movie This weekend at The Wondercat Bakery Laboratory, we endeavoured to create buns LIFE! “I had worked hard for nearly two years hours, for the sole purpose of infusing life into an inanimate body dough. For this I have deprived myself of rest and health consumed much Gewürztraminer and Jelly Belly beans.” My assistant Igor helped me fashion bodies from dough and fruit: dough is much less gross than body parts Water Roux 25g plain flour125ml milk or wheymix and heat together (microwave for about 35 sec) until a smooth and thickenedleave to cool Dough “It was already one in the morning afternoon; the rain pattered dismally against the panes, and my candle silk cut super-slim was nearly burnt out, when, by the glimmer of the half-extinguished light, I saw the dull yellow tasty sugary eye of the creature open…” Mwah ha ha ha ha!!!
Actually, forget the galvanism, we totally went the “Death Becomes Her” route; we used a potion and wore this delightful outfit: hiya, whatcha doin? Two colour icing/The very hungry caterpillar: the dark side of extreme makeovers. Right then, two colour icing, as defined as Aquafresh, not as good for the teeth but much tastier! We have many pink things...surprise Really simple, mix up two batches of butter icing: butter = xicing sugar = 2xmilk = x/10flavouringscolourings whisk until light, and fluffy all Gok'd up Look at the butterfly, after her extreme makeover from gluttonous green slob to svelte, zippy, glamour-puss everyone told her how great she was looking, how hard she must have worked, how good the new boobs looked…she felt on top of the world.
She got to hang out with all the pretty butterflies, all the celebrities, the flutterati… She got artsy editorial spreads in glossy magazines to celebrate her total transformation... is it cake, is it art, is it delicious...you betcha With all the praise and compliments it was easy to keep up motivation and resist temptation. Please check the two colour swirl...mighty fine pipe work if we do say so Well yes, it is a cake.
So, does a quick-fix diet, extreme make over work? Home is where the heart is; but not the ingredients! Macgyver Bake! Mykie’s folks have moved house in the last week so he popped around this evening… not at all attractive but I'd still have a slice...the Dr Christian of cakes So, my parents have left my childhood home! I went around to the old house the other day and got all upset remembering great times…like when mum and I smashed down a big brick fireplace with a sledge hammer when dad was away…and the time I threw a giant stuffed turtle down the stairs and knocked my sister flying through the door…oh the door…the door Kimberley and I shattered a Wily Kit action figure on when we couldn’t find a tennis ball so used the first thing we could find…memories!
I’ve been a little afraid that the new house wouldn’t feel like a family home so I went over today as I knew both my sisters would be there for dinner… I also thought I’d christen (or since I’m an atheist, have an, erm, naming ceremony?) Who knew you could take a handful of ingredients and make a scabby brick? Not the prettiest but it OMG it was good! Wondercat’s Big Baton. This weekend was time to batten down the hatches for the approach of autumn… bread, both terrible and delicious...you carby devil. If we had to pick a favourite season, it would definitely be autumn!
Snuggling up next to a warm fire/man-friend, the opportunity to wear/buy layers and gloves and hats and scarves…so nice. The boys concerned themselves with sorting out autumn-winter wardrobes (Mykie disposed of 3 sack loads (erm, gross) of clothes in a vicious wardrobe edit…R.I.P. bobbly sweaters and inappropriately short shorts) and getting the house suitably nest-like. I, on the other hand, got the Wondercat Bakery to fix up a nice French baton to accompany the hearty chicken provencalé the boys were making for dinner… slice that bread, slice it good Baton for hatch battening 425g bread flour (we used a mix of white and wholemeal)225ml luke warm water or whey3.5g yeast (half a packet)7g saltbit o’ milkbit o’ wheat-germ well hello sailor!
That empty chair?... We achieved (achieved? Like this: Gourmet protein power pancake cake with fig…num and grrr! Getting enough protein is majorly important especially if you’re doing any sort of exercise regime…ps. I think we all are supposed to be BTW. Getting food with protein and low carbs is easy enough; getting food that is sweet is easy enough; getting both together and you are usually talking a claggy mess that is not that nice to eat. There are recipes for protein pancakes floating about but TBH, they just don’t do it for me…I don’t want a stack I want a big old cakey munch munch! I tinker with this recipe often and this weekend I added some AMAZING figs I found in Waitrose…delicious, but I always think figs look like badly bruised scrota…oh, and some almonds, because I love them. brunch or high tea of big gay champions Protein Power Pancake Cake 200g egg stuff (I use 1 whole egg and make the rest up with egg white – go Two Chicks!!)
Here’s how I see the basic mixture breaking down nutritionally: how often do you think I actually slice and eat this thing with an ounce of decorum? Good huh? Cinnastroop Swirl Bread. Two things we heart soooo hard: Cinnamon and Stroopen Gloopen… sticky, sweet, long and erm...yeasty Ok, I don’t think it’s called Stroopen Gloopen. It is some sort of Belgian, jammy, delicious wonderstuff made from only apples and pears! Apples and pears! Loaf giving "blue steel" What was I saying? Any who, I told Mykie to go get supplies on the way home from work and some crazy supermarket parking attendant had a big rant at him!
Parking douche: is this your car?! Back-sass?! Focus now, back to bread… obey the hypno-loaf slice, eat, slice, eat, pick up loaf, eat You probably only really need to knock back once but I always repeat and find the bread is so soft and beautiful. *(hello! Stroopen you sweet European temptress The bread is really soft and with the filling still oven warm…oh, oh, sex squirt (bread lust? A slightly baggy swirl...that sounds gross A small amount was somehow reserved for a lazy Saturday morning and was toasted with butter…OMG! Hell yeah! Like this: Like Loading... The demonic possession of Granny Chadong: a cautionary tale. Why you should never always NEVER add mini-marshmallows to cookies… the light? That'll be the glow of hell fire So this was going to be a Granny Chadong biscuit post as I was making a batch for Si for work this week…but, I found a big bag of mini-marshmallows…they wouldn’t hurt, would they?
The power of Christ compels me...to eat you. I knew marshmallows do funky things in biscuits, like go crazy melty and burn to a crisp; so, I whacked the bag in the freezer to tame the little buggers (BTW, frozen marshmallows=D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S!). Granny C’s recipe also calls for a double bake which I thought I’d have to skip for the same reason. Well, they came out the oven like the off-spring of Satan. The napkin was intended to match the mashmallows :$ The pink and white pillows of marshmallow had transformed to caramel boils, bubbling and oozing from the innocently oaty biscuits.
Then another… UNHOLY DEMON! Sweet Baby Jesus! The web of the damned Demonic Chadongs Like this: Like Loading... Mocha Maple Marble Cake. Mr Simon has a new job! His wig has got a lot bigger…we’re talking Dolly Parton full on bouffant! Go Simon! This isn't Simon, it is a teddy bear As a congratulations treat, The Wondercat Bakery made him a little cake. that damn bee has been noshing on my cake We’ve been wanting to play about with ring marbling for a while and with the arrival of my order of Lorann flavour oils (OMG!
Amazing BTW!) Oh, swirly! I still have a huge selection of speciality coffee beans around so I went for a Java Kalibaru based coffee syrup and butter cream to add some pizazz (did I just say pizazz?). Mocha Maple Marble Cake with Java Karibaru 110g SR flour110g butter (at room temperature)110g golden caster sugar2 eggs1 tsp baking powderpinch o’ salt10g cocoa powdera few drops vanilla extracta few drops of maple flavour oil straight from the oven...swirly as a piggy tail Coffee Syrup Coffee Butter Cream where is the cake fork?... This is Simon, not a teddy bear...how sexycute is my husband?! Happy Baking! Like this: Boxes of things… Our internet had been kicked in the cooch and was limping along this weekend… So just a short post now we can upload pics again… Box of cake = Edible Box of cat = Non-edible Have a lovely week everyone!
Hope you all enjoyed the Indian Summer! Like this: Like Loading... Brushed Icing Flower Cupcakes or Autumnal Flavour Orgasmicakes. The Wondercat School: Brush Embroidery Tutorial. The Wondercat School: Mini Marshmallow Flowers. Go on and take a bao! Chocolate Spiderweb Cookies. Jack o’ Lantern Tart…or pumpkinless pumpkin tart?!