5 Absurdly Expensive Pieces of Junk Food. We all dream of winning the lottery and turning our own lives into The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (only in our version, we own the house, damn it). But once you live in a rich neighborhood and replace your friends with an entourage, there are certain pleasures you'll surely miss. The homemade fireworks that were such a hit in the trailer park won't go down so well in your gated community, and none of the fancy dinner parties you attend will serve hot wings. After all, sometimes you don't want hand-massaged braised duck kidneys. Sometimes you want the shit you used to get at the Quik-Stop and eat in your car on the way to Steve's house.
Fortunately, there is an entire industry catering to rich people who still have minimum wage tastes. . #5. You know what they say about hot dogs, don't you? GettyThe little American flags obscure the fact that it's mostly anus. Now, imagine how much harder that will be once you're a wealthy tycoon, with wealthy tycoon friends. Liz StegerWhat, no relish? #4. The 6 Most Incredible Real World Beast Masters. Disney movies make hanging out with wild animals look like a walk in a fun, happy, completely predator-free park. But in the real world, being around untamed wildlife isn't so much about carefree singing and dancing and monkeyshinin' as it is about running and screaming.
Then coming back later to clean up the poop trail you inevitably left behind. Or it usually is, anyway. These people have apparently chosen to just go the Disney route, like ... #6. To explain this picture of a child cuddling his 20-foot-long snake, we have to tell a story. Fotobank.ruSurprisingly, it didn't end with the kid as poop. Imagine you're the proud parents of a 3-month-old baby. GettyAll that's missing is the colic. So, small. Not Koun Samang's dad, who found a python in his baby's bed and sweetly returned it to the jungle, presumably while giving it a back massage and singing it snaky lullabies. Herald Sun"Hey, what's the worst that could happen? " Herald SunTasting. On, and he rides her like a Hoveround: #5.
. #4. 20 R-Rated Versions of Classic Disney Movies. 11,201 More Pieces of Terrible Advice. Very few critics are brave enough to scrutinize romance self-help books. One big reason for this is eunuchism. I'll demonstrate: Concentrate on your lap when you read this tip from 10,000 Ways to Say I Love You: "2206. Give her socks that picture her favorite flowers. " Did you notice that as you read it, the area around your genitals began secreting genital solvent? That's because your brain was sending signals that you wouldn't need them anymore.
But not everything about these books is peaceful and smooth genital mounds. In this very article, I uncover multiple scandals that will blow the fucking lid off the romance book industry and your mind. 10,000 Ways to Say I Love You 1999, By Gregory J.P. While the rest of us were courting one another, Gregory J.P. That's the kind of advice you only give if you've never, ever met someone with a different religion than yours.
My dentist forges these coupons while I'm drugged. Wait, what? What the hell does that mean? A pizza coupon!? Gregory J.P. 4 Romantic Books to Disgust and Annoy Your Lover. Some articles require a lengthy explanation in order to give the reader a context in which to view them. This is not one of those. What I am doing here is simple: I'm proving, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that romance guru and best-selling author of 1001 Ways to be Romantic, Gregory J.P. Godek is the stupidest, laziest waste of stem cells to ever "write" a book. Every time Godek's semeny, pizza-covered fingers touch his keyboard, the world's collective I.Q. drops. Romantic Fantasies & Other Sexy Ways of Expressing Your Love This book focuses on the sexy side of romance.
Godek's wife is so closed up that he has to have sex through a funnel. Yes, Godek suggested you have sex in front of a cardboard cutout of a celebrity and pretend they're watching. Good eye, Godek. Five minutes to shop for lingerie, Godek? She'll love that! Great. When Godek and his wife leave a restaurant, all the silverware they touched has to be destroyed. "It's time for our lovemaking, lover. Romantic Dates See? 21 Office Supplies Too Awesome To Exist Slideshow. 15 Unintentionally Perverted Toys for Children. Toys are carefully planned investments that companies spend countless hours developing in the hopes that children will use them to foster memories that they'll cherish for a lifetime.
But sometimes, they just end up looking like dongs. Punisher Shape Shifters Crotch Rocket Wait, seriously? That's a real toy? The video is also disturbing. Man, this is not a good start. To be fair, this was part of a "Shape Shifter" line of toys--basically a Punisher transformer--and we're catching him in mid-transformation (we're assuming Frank Castle's transforming capabilities aren't canon). OK, that's just...that's just horrible. So, for the second time we have to ask if the people designing products for children are just amazingly naive, or if they're a bunch of giggling stoners seeing what they can get past the marketing team. The Fr-ooze Pop was marketed to kids in Singapore using a voice that repeatedly says, "lick it, suck it. " If so, then what's our excuse for... Ah, that doesn't look too bad. The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You. If animals could talk, they would spend most of their time calling us dicks and telling us to get off their land.
The traits we think of as "cute" are often simply tricks animals have developed to get tourists to throw them food. Here are six animals that you'll probably want to steer clear of, no matter how adorable they look on that wall calendars. Hippopotamus (Hippopotamus amphibius) How cute! Now have a look at this: Hippos are practically the very definition of Disney-cute. For chrissake look at them. OH SHIT! There's this word, "territorial," that nature takes pretty seriously. The next time you settle in for a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos, take a moment to to reflect on the small fact that hippopotamuses kill more humans per year than any other animal in the entire continent of Africa.
Perhaps you've seen this pic: That is not in fact a man and a hippo doing a live reenactment of a cartoon they saw. The man who toyed with crocodiles, was scared shitless of hippos. How cute! OH SHIT! 6 Insane Dog Behaviors Explained by Evolution. One reason we love dogs is they give us so, so many reasons to feel superior to them. But much of what they do is so bizarre and unfathomable that you can't help but wonder what the hell they're thinking. It turns out they have their reasons. Weird, disgusting reasons. Look, this is the elephant in the room. If we're going to talk about strange dog behavior, and don't get the "they eat shit" thing off the table right away, we would be shouted down until we addressed it. And rightfully so. Dogs eat their own poop, they eat other dogs poop, mother dogs eat the pups' poop (your mom never loved you enough to do that, did she?).
So What the Hell Are They Thinking? Back when dogs were wild and roaming the plains instead of riding around inside of tiny purses, predators could find a dog's den by detecting the smell of poop, specifically the kind left by defenseless, tasty puppies. Only imagine that stick is poop. Sniffing Each Other's Asses "Dear Cracked.com article on weird dog behavior.
6 Adorable Cat Behaviors With Shockingly Evil Explanations. There seem to be two kinds of people in the world: those who don't understand cats, and those who think cats are kind of douchebags. Unfortunately for cat lovers, science has kind of come down on the side of that second group. Research has revealed that a lot of the quirky and even cute things your kitty does are actually signs that your cat is kind of a dick. Meowing to Imitate a Baby Human Cats have many different ways of communicating, but the meow is every cat's go-to vocalization when it wants to tell us something; be it, "I'm hungry," "pay attention to me" or "I just took a dump, go clean it up. " However, far from the one-dimensional barking sound that dogs use to communicate, cats are like living stereo equalizers that are able to fine tune the pitches and tones of their meows... so they can better manipulate you into doing what they want. In fact, further studies have proven that a cat's cry for food or attention shares a remarkable similarity in frequency to a baby's cry.
The 7 Most Terrifying Disney Movie Deaths. Kids, like adults, love it when bad things happen to bad people. So Disney movies always make sure the villain gets what they've got coming to them in the end. And, sometimes, Disney gives them what they had coming, and then way, way more. Here are seven Disney villains who got dispatched in (sometimes literally) gut-wrenching ways sure to keep the kiddies up for many nights. #7.
Ursula, from The Little Mermaid Ursula is a sea witch, which any marine biologist will tell you means "eight-legged obese Mermoctopus. " "Oh, okay, I can see why this is going to be a problem. " The evil Ursula gives her a set of legs and lungs in exchange for her voice. How She Died: Near the end of the movie, Ursala blackmails king Triton into giving her the Magical Trident, the "One Ring" of The Little Mermaid. The Prince, deciding that he's had quite enough of this shit, steers his ship through a whirling vortex of doom and freaking impales Ursula right through the gut. In Greek, for bonus weirdness.
. #6. . #5. . #4. Exploring the Mysteries of the Mind with the Sims 3. Every scientist dreams of a world without ethics. Whenever a scientist sees a set of twins, he or she secretly wonders what would happen if you surgically swapped their faces. They already have a chamber set up to harness the power of their screams as they gradually realize what has happened.
Every day, ethics barely prevent experiments like this from being carried out. But what if we didn't have these ethics? When Nazi doctors were let loose during WWII, the incredible rate of their discoveries were matched only by the inadequacy of words to atone for them. They might have been monsters, but without them, we never would have discovered the yield elasticity of the elderly, or learned what part of a prisoner's tongue detects the taste of angel meat. The Sims 3 is computer game based on these Nazi scientists that offers us a world of moral ambiguity, free to perform psychological experiments away from the leering eye of ethics. Creating the Patient Creating the Patient's Roommate 1. 2. 3. The 8 Most Baffling Food Mascots of All-Time. If you're ever diagnosed with crippling insanity, you can always get a job designing corporate mascots. For instance: Orville Redenbacher used a reanimated corpse as their spokesperson.
Yummy Mummy has one too, and both of them are perfect examples of what happens after you die when you're killed by Snuggle Bear. My point is, most mascots are crazy, and here are the food industry's eight craziest. Please note that I did not include the Grape Nuts character Volto From Mars on this list because this is a "craziest" list, not a "best" list. Kool-Aid Man -- Kool-Aid Kool-Aid Man represents the laziest of all mascot designs -- he's just a face and limbs grafted onto the product he's selling. The idea of a drink running through walls is so insane that it may have started as a way for suffocating stuntmen to signal "Help, I need help!
" Wilford Brimley -- Quaker Oats Wilford Brimley was way too tough for breakfast commercials. Bigg Mixx -- Kellogg's Bigg Mixx Peter Wheat -- Peter Wheat Bread.