If the Avengers Were 10 Times Manlier. The 6 Saddest Attempts to Follow Up Pop Culture Classics. Just because you've created one masterpiece doesn't mean everything you touch is going to be gold (we're looking at you, seasons 2,3 and 4 of Heroes). For further proof, just take a look at the real and grossly ill-conceived follow-ups to some of these beloved classics.
After Captain America: Fighting American Joe Simon and Jack Kirby were true visionaries: They created Captain America in late 1940, a full year before the U.S. got involved in World War II, and they had him punching Hitler in the face as early as March 1941. When Marvel Comics put out the first issue of Captain America, the character became an overnight sensation. Simon and Kirby were immediately flooded by fan mail and even death threats from Nazi sympathizers. So when Marvel relaunched the character in 1953 without Simon or Kirby's involvement, they called bullshit. Similar to the creators of Superman, they felt they had been swindled and decided to do something about it. The Failure: Borscht jokes never get old. 6 Common Movie Arguments That Are Always Wrong. Everybody loves sharing their opinions on the Internet, sometimes about important, world-changing things like politics, religion, human rights or cat declawing, and sometimes about unimportant things, like movies.
And as everyone knows, the best part about sharing opinions is the chance to smugly tell other people that their opinions are wrong. Almost every heated movie discussion has someone pulling out one of these stupid, nonsensical lines. If you've ever called out the Transformers movies for being stupid, you've probably run into some idiot saying, "Well, it's just a big, dumb action movie with robots and explosions! If you don't like robots and explosions, you should go watch the artsy movies you obviously want to watch, like Atonement. " I'm not exaggerating, I've seen people who objected to Transformers' stupidity referred to Atonement, because that is obviously the kind of movie they were hoping to see. I don't want Transformers to be Atonement. Damn TV edits. 5 Things You Don't Learn About High School Until Too Late. I'm not one of those guys who's going to tell you that high school is the best years of your life, because quite frankly, I don't believe that they are.
I don't look back on the experience with glassy eyes and a sigh of nostalgia, little cartoon hearts floating around my giant, fluttering eyelashes. And I most definitely don't agree with adults who say, "You've got it easy -- all you have to worry about is going to school. " That type of vapid, shallow statement is made by people who have forgotten what it was actually like, the type who plan their 10-year reunion while attending their five-year one. But there are a few things I did learn long after I graduated that would have made the whole thing a lot easier. Maybe kids today are already wise enough to see these things, but back when I was in school, it would have been nice to know that ... #5.
The Things That Make You Cool Now Mean Nothing After Graduation Getty"It's just for, uh, college. " Sorry, class clown. If I Had to Go Back ... #4. 6 Tiny Mistakes That Caused Apocalyptic Explosions. Does anything improve a hard day at work like hearing about a huge mistake that wasn't your fault? Maybe that's why we love telling you about things like tiny math errors that led to huge disasters and other minor mistakes that led to even bigger catastrophes. So settle in and celebrate the fact that no matter how badly you've screwed up at work, you've probably never caused an explosion that destroyed half of a city. Unlike ... #6. Photos.com Anyone who's ever assembled Ikea furniture knows that screwing in bolts is no walk in the park. At some point in the mid-1960s, a Soviet comrade with a tired arm had the same feeling.
Via Starbase1.co.ukThose are people in the lower right. You know where this is going. The Disaster: It did not. Four test launches were scheduled, and four test launches failed spectacularly. At liftoff, that single loose bolt was sucked into a fuel pump, which then stopped cold. In midair. So, 20 seconds into its flight, the whole rocket stalled. Yep. . #5. . #4. Via W. 6 Horrifying Implications of the Harry Potter Universe. We have a feeling that Harry Potter is never going away, in the sense that franchises like Batman and Star Wars never went away (and Star Wars never got its own amusement park). And why not? It's the perfect storm of wonder, charm and innocent, family-friendly adventure that everyone can enjoy.
Which is why we love talking about how pants-crappingly terrifying that whole universe is. For instance ... #6. In the Harry Potter universe, the people in photographs and paintings can move and talk. "I am innocent but love screaming like a madman. " And as such, some portrait subjects serve as security guards for locked rooms, while others are used as errand boys to deliver urgent messages (they can travel to any room that also has a painting).
Dumbledore is asleep all the time? The Horrific Implications: Who cares, right? Especially if getting attacked and slashed up is just considered property damage. That brings us to our second point. One of the crappier animated gifs available. #5. "Arrgh! #4. 5 Insane Cases of Imposters Passing for World Leaders. Looking like a famous actor or musician means you can probably make a decent living doing impressions, making special appearances or doing porn. Looking like a world leader, though, means you might end up helping win a war, being hunted by foreign governments or ... doing porn. We're not kidding. All of that happened to the following people, including the porn, whether they liked it or not ... #5. Fake British Officer Helps Win the Battle of Normandy Via Wikipedia Here's how one random dude who happened to look like a British military commander wound up in one of the most epic Nazi-fooling plans ever created.
Gen. Via 67notout.comLeft: Gen. It all began when James volunteered for the British Army as an entertainer -- the army was so impressed by his talents that they assigned him to the Pay Corps instead (the guys in charge of paying soldiers). James' resemblance to Montgomery got him the attention of MI5, who saw in him the perfect opportunity to troll some Nazis. . #4. . #3. 5 Actors Who Do the Exact Same Thing in Every Movie. Everyone assumes that directors and writers decide what happens in a movie, but many times the movie star is the most powerful person involved with the project.
For instance, when Jim Carrey wanted to make a movie about his favorite number, The Number 23 hit theaters across the country. A much more entertaining abuse of this star power occurs when huge movie stars decide they look awesome doing something, and proceed to force that something into every movie they make. For instance ... #5. Tom Hanks' Career is a Urinary Morality Play Most movie stars use their careers to build up enough credibility to avoid urinating onscreen. Perhaps it's our fault for encouraging him. And there's the even more iconic scene in Forrest Gump where he gets to share the screen with the most beloved president in modern history, and uses the opportunity to tell him he has to pee (at which point Kennedy turns to the camera and repeats what he's been told re: Tom Hanks' having to go pee) ...
"Imagine that! #4. The 7 Most Stupidly Overpowered Hunting Weapons. Hunting: It is an age-old dance. It is a sacred covenant between the predator and the prey ... and the guy bristling with a half-dozen giant cannons and sporting only the most advanced cloaking technology. Sure, it's not "fair" to the animal, and sure there's no "sport" in it, and sure it makes you "kind of a dick," but answer us this: If deer like living so much, why didn't they invent high explosives, huh? If that logic made sense, well then, buddy, have we got some stupidly overpowered hunting gadgets for you: .577 Tyrannosaur Rounds The .577 Tyrannosaur round is, well, let's just say they don't name something "the T-Rex" because of its subtly engineered grace: The one on the left is the T-Rex; the fourth is an ordinary shotgun round It's a bullet so large that you can't actually use it.
About the fifth time a loaded rifle goes hurtling out of a man's hands and careening around a roomful of people, you get the feeling this might not be entirely safe. "Haha! What is that? And Insecure: The 7 Most Horrifying Parasites on the Planet. As soon as your doctor says you've got parasites in your body, you don't need to hear any more details. They're all horrible, right? How can it get worse than little tiny worms or something feeding on your insides? Actually, it can get way, way worse. As it turns out, there's nothing in nature more creative than a parasite. And we don't mean that in a good way.
For instance... The Guinea Worm Will Make You Do Its Bidding Technically, your body is full of tiny creatures already. This brings us to the guinea worm. So you go swimming and the flea makes its way down your throat. And growing. About a year after infection, the full sized guinea worm is no longer microscopic, but instead measures two to three goddamned feet long. Being so large, a cramped human body is no longer adequate real estate. This is exactly what the worm wants. Is That Your Tongue, Or is it Cymothoa Exigua? On one hand, you can relax because this one doesn't affect humans... as far as we know. Why does it do this? 7 Great Men in History (And Why You Should Hate Them) Some historical claims are irrefutable: Hitler was a dick; Einstein was a brilliant sex maniac. A few other claims, however, are not quite as black and white. In honor of Labor Day, the only federal holiday that doesn't pay homage to a historical event or person, we've uncovered some 100-percent true reasons you should probably hate some of history's greatest heroes.
Historical Figure: Patrick Henry What He's Remembered For Most people know Patrick Henry as the radical revolutionary credited for demanding "Give me liberty or give me death," thereby inspiring all of Virginia to take up arms against British tyranny. Why You Should Hate Him Few people know that when he wasn't giving moving speeches, he was locking his wife in his basement. In Mindblowers, by Jim Rhine, we learn that for the last four years of her life Henry's wife was chained in her basement, possibly in a straitjacket and forbidden to see her children. Gandhi Can you guess who's name was omitted? Thomas Jefferson. 7 Popular 'Chick Flicks' That Secretly Hate Women. Hollywood filmmakers like their women like they like their coffee: shrill, stupid and submissive. And usually not black. As evidence, all you need to do is look at the "romantic" movies which are targeted toward women, yet somehow embrace every negative assumption about females that males have ever dreamed up.
Movies like... In what we've determined to be an actual documentary, Mel Gibson is an alcoholic, cigar-chomping, divorced chauvinist prone to unsolicited butt-slapping and overt boob-ogling. After electrocuting himself while in a drunken stupor, Mel awakens to find he can hear the women's thoughts--because that's totally how electrocution works, right? Say WHAAAA? How Does This Hate Women? According the lady-thoughts of this movie, most women are either: A. B.
Above: Something women find irresistible. To be fair, this is Mel Gibson's movie. Accepting her award for the year 2000. In Twilight, a boring-ass twitchy girl named Bella falls in love with a shiny vampire named Edward. 6 Comic Book Easter Eggs That Stuck It to The Man. All of us should have jobs where we can slip passive-aggressive "screw yous" to our enemies or our bosses right there in the work we produce.
It must be very satisfying. Or at least you'd think so, considering how many of these "screw you" Easter eggs have been hidden in comics over the years. Marvel Writer Encodes an Insult to His Boss Al Milgrom was an artist, writer and editor who worked at Marvel for almost 25 years before he quit and started working freelance. At the time there wasn't a lot known about why he left, but later it became abundantly clear that one of the reasons was that Milgrom really, really hated his old boss, Bob Harras. In 2000, Milgrom was hired as a freelance artist to work on Universe X Spidey #1, a comic with a title as bad as Milgrom's prank was awesome.
Doesn't seem to be a whole lot going on other than the tripped-out girl in the background who is high as a kite, right? Milgrom was fired over it, and his contract was terminated. "Fuck nuts! " The 5 Most Ridiculously Sexist Superhero Costumes. Female superhero costumes are the comic industry's "No Cooties" signs: They prove that the people who designed them think about girls (a lot) but don't really know how they work and are making sure it stays that way. I am not an enlightened man. I consider the wipe-clean cheerleader costume a greater advance in clothing technology than the spacesuit.
But the only "strong" in many "strong female comic book characters" are the oblique muscles required to point their ass and boobs in the same direction. MarvelPsylocke's buttocks are like the Mona Lisa's eyes, they follow you no matter what angle you're looking from. Behold five characters whose costumes are so impossibly, illogically sexual that they look like they were designed by M.C. . #5. Charged with making a female Superman, Power Girl's costume designer's only thoughts were "breasts" and "done. " DCCheck out the empowerment on that! There is no counterargument. DCAnd why doesn't her costume inflate when she flies? #4. . #3. 'The Skulls': A 10 Year Old Movie That's Already Baffling. Every once in a while, we here at Cracked like to hand over the site to a writer or animator whose work we really enjoy.
It's our little way of saying "We forgot to write something today. " This week, we have an update from Patrick Cassels's movie review site, 10-Year-Old Movies. The site gives a look at random films on the occasion of their 10th Anniversary, giving them way more consideration than they probably need a decade later. -Concerns elderly rich perverts in robes (see: Eyes Wide Shut, The Ninth Gate) -Disc sold as "Collector's Edition" -Stars of two WB dramas (Popular and Dawson's Creek) -Spawned numerous straight-to-DVD sequels (see: Bring it On, Wild Things, American Pie) The Skulls, released in March 2000, is the second installment of Joshua Jackson's trilogy of college-set thrillers based on the wickedness of Generation Y, following 1998's Cruel Intentions and preceding Gossip (released a month later). Also gay stuff. What's it Like 10 years Later?
What's it Like 10 Years Later? Worst Life Ever: The Story of Kazuyuki Fujita's Skull. Kazuyuki "Iron Head" Fujita made a fighting career out of having a thick skull. This is that skull's story. Like many mixed martial artists, Fujita started as a wrestler. Unlike many mixed martial artists, he never learned a second skill. It would take him 60 minutes to describe to you what he thinks a kick is, and he attempts submission holds the same way he tries on hats-- confusedly pulling in random directions with no results. That's because his skull is measurably thicker than a normal skull. Since he was diagnosed with this head, he has been searching for the man who would one day destroy it. Fujita's Skull vs. The Birth of F.F.S. In Fujita's fourth professional fight he faced 260-veiny-pounds of world-class wrestling and emotional issues named Mark Kerr. Nerdsplanation: To put the damage Fujita's face took into perspective, steroid users couldn't measure their dicks for an entire year when Mark Kerr hit a button on a calculator and killed the number 2. 2. 3.
Fujita's Skull vs. 5 Real Ways to Get High Straight Out of Science Fiction. The 6 Most Baffling Nobel Prizes Ever Awarded. 5 Artists Who Stopped Sucking Out of Nowhere. The 10 Most Important Things They Didn't Teach You In School. 11 Bad-Good Horror Movies You Need To See. The First High School Movie for Rich Bullies. Occupy the High School Senior Parking Lot: A Manifesto. A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All.
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