The 6 Greatest Video Games We'll Never Get to Play. As I briefly touched on in this article, the one thing common to every gamer I know is that they all have at least one revolutionary, brilliant, perfect and heartbreakingly unrealized "I Have a Game" concept: some combination of elements, some untapped property or some new direction for a sequel that just never got made, but would shake the gaming world to the core if it did. The single greatest tragedy in gaming isn't what that manipulative bitch Peach is doing to poor Mario's heart; it's that, though we will get endless iterations of Call of Battle: Duty Field from now until the heat death of the universe, we'll never see these masterpieces get made. But fuck that noise: This is the Internet. This is where dreams come true, even (hell, especially) the awful ones. Why can't we have these?
Indie games have more of a market than ever, talented designers are increasingly going freelance and Kickstarter and similar programs are disseminating funding outside of the old publisher model. . #6. 7 Celebrity Careers That Launched by Accident. Hollywood is filled with plenty of rags to riches stories. Jim Carey worked as a janitor, Demi Moore was a debt collector, Brad Pitt used to wear a chicken suit while handing out fliers and Sharon Stone worked (works?) At a McDonald's. But some actors' beginnings can be attributed to not hard work, but sheer chance or accident. Such as... Even though he's turned into a walking punchline the last few years, there's no denying Mel Gibson will go down as one of the biggest stars in Hollywood history. But Gibson's accidental stumble into stardom started in New York, where he was born (not Australia, as it turns out).
What Happened? Gibson went to the National Institute of Dramatic Art in Sydney. However, Gibson didn't consider a film career until a friend told him he needed a lift to audition for a movie. Apparently, he still wasn't considering a film career, because the night before the audition, Gibson got into a drunken brawl at a bar. Yeah. Her star isn't the only thing on the rise. See? 6 Terrifying User Agreements You've Probably Accepted. How many user agreements have you clicked through in your life without reading them? We're going to guess it's one for every single piece of software you've ever used, and every gadget, and Lord knows what else. You've probably signed off on thousands of pages of dense, unread legal jargon in your life. Well, guess what, you've all but signed away your soul. We're not saying that the below companies intend to screw you over.
All we're saying is that their legal teams have gone to great lengths to reserve the right to ... and to make sure you can't do a damned thing about it. For example ... #6. So you just had a great weekend with your friends, and you decide to upload the pictures to your Flickr, Twitpic, Instagram and other sites that allow instantaneous uploading and incessant Internet exhibitionism. "I don't remember having tits, but thanks to Xanax that means next to nothing. " Because you didn't read the terms of service you agreed to when you joined those sites, that's how. #5. Yep. 7 Actors Typecast in Bizarrely Specific Roles. Typecasting is nothing new in Hollywood; it's not very surprising, seeing as some actors just look and act like the cliched roles they attract. This phenomenon explains why Meg Ryan has never taken a role as a transvestite vampire, and Meatloaf has never been the object of affection in a romantic comedy. But amazingly, some people seem to perform uncannily similar roles over and over, like Groundhog Day, but with less appealing actors.
Causality loop, strange coincidence or extreme lack of range? You make the call. Olga Kurylenko's Sexual Advances Are Constantly Spurned by Video Game Characters Offending Roles: Nika Boronina in 2007's Hitman Natasha Sax in 2008's Max Payne Inexplicable Similarity: Nika and Natasha attempt to seduce the title character in a film adaptation of a popular, violent video game.
Who would want to remove a sweet Turtleneck like this? Hitman: What does she get for her effort? Not the prick she was hoping for. Max Payne: At least he's not fighting killer plants. Fight Club: Attack of the Clones: Suspiciously Similar Movie Showdown. Hollywood does "original" about as well as it does "geography of the Midwest.
" Thus, year after year we're treated to films with plots and themes so similar that if the movie business were college, at least a few screenwriters would be taking a trip to the Dean's office. Here are twelve of the most ridiculously similar movies ever to be released within a year of each other, as well as our scientific analysis of which ones sucked, and which ones sucked even worse. Tombstone vs. Wyatt Earp (1993/1994) Pitch: Getting America's most famous cowboy gunfight at the O.K. Corral up on screen is worth hours of stultifying plot to get there. Crucial Differences: One's a faithful recounting of historical events, stars Kevin Costner, and is approximately two hundred and forty-seven hours long. Winner: Tombstone'll be our Huckleberry, whatever the hell that means.
Volcano vs. Pitch: Volcanoes are pretty damn scary, especially if they threaten beautiful rich people. Winner: Dante's Peak. Antz vs. 6 Pop Culture Mysteries That Were Solved by Fans. Pop culture is full of unsolved mysteries, like "Was Tony Danza the boss? " "What happened to Tony Danza's career? " and "Is Tony Danza even alive? " Some of them are even unrelated to Tony Danza. And some that we thought would never find an answer finally did, but only through the effort of dedicated fans with way too much time on their hands. Like ... #6. The Mystery: The epic cinematic mind trip known as 2001: A Space Odyssey gave rise to some of the greatest mysteries in pop culture history, among them "How could Stanley Kubrick go more than 140 minutes into a film without any nudity or sexual innuendo? " Unless you count all that ape nudity and suggestive bone groping.
However, one of the most intriguing questions surrounding the film is whether HAL 9000, the intelligent computer who murders 90 percent of the cast, was meant to represent IBM, the actual computer company (and the pioneers of artificial intelligence). GettyAbove: Stanley Kubrick, being Stanley Kubrick. How They Solved It: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers.
They walk among us! Some even fly among us! They may even take the bus among us from time to time! Homosapiens-Superior is here, and can do things that have scientists scratching their heads. We're carefully tracking their progress, so that one day soon we may gather them together and fight crime. Or maybe commit crimes. We haven't decided yet.
Real Name: Unknown Uberboy's name is being kept secret, presumably to protect the lives of his loved ones once Uberboy dons a mask and begins patrolling the streets of the world righting wrongs. Superpower: Bona fide Super-Strength. One day in 1999 a little baby boy was born in Germany, at first glance no different from any other. But how did this happen? It's not clear what will happen as Uberboy grows up. What we do know is that at 4-years-old, Uberboy could lift six times more weight than an average kid. Real Name: Ben Underwood Superpower: Super Echolocation That's a fancy way of saying he can "see" with sounds. Wait, video games? 6 Real People With Mind-Blowing Mutant Superpowers. If the insane, explosive popularity if superhero movies is any indication, we are fascinated by people who are insanely better than us at any given thing.
Probably because, in real life, we're all such a bunch of incompetent boobs that we've been enslaved by blue paint, flashing lights and crying French babies. But it turns out, superpowers are real. And not just the secret ones that everyone has, or even the ones everyone thinks they have -- this Cracked Classic is about a group of people that, in a sane world, would already have multi-colored leather jumpsuits, delightfully mismatched personality traits and a skyscraper shaped like whatever they decide to call themselves.
We've all dreamed of having superpowers at some point (today), but the majority of us have to accept the sobering reality that preternatural abilities simply aren't possible. For instance ... #6. As with most superpower discoveries, Xiangang found his by acting like a braying jackass. So What's Going on Here? #5. . #4. The 9 Most Devastating Insults From Around the World. A responsible traveler won't set foot in another country without knowing how to viciously insult the people in their native language. Odds are, you won't even make it out of the airport before a situation arises that requires obscenities. But "obscenity" is an ever-moving target.
It's an amalgamation of cultural taboos, the impact of current events and your mom. Accordingly, every country has developed a uniquely beautiful set of curses and insults that set it apart. While some insults are broadly accessible, like your mom, others will require a little background for the new student. Thus, we offer this helpful guide to the best and most vulgar (and very real) insults from around the world: #9. Who Said That? Dear God Why? Other helpful Spanish phrases: When dookie is used for even the most pedestrian exclamations, more heated applications escalate the filth factor pretty rapidly: "I shit on your dead" (Me cago en tus muertos) "I shit on God" (Me cago en Dios) And the list goes on.
. #8. . #7. The Top 10 Celebrity Sex Videos Nobody Wanted to See. John Cheese returns to the Cracked guest column, and this time he's taking more bullets for us than a bad guy within reach of Bruce Willis during a machine gun battle. First of all, Mr. Cheese is filling in for us on a Saturday while we train for our dark horse bid for the 2008 Olympic Decathlon.
Additionally, he's reviewed the ten most revolting celebrity sex tapes ever released, thus saving us the embarrassment of admitting we watched them ourselves. Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels I saw this video way back when I first started surfing porn on the internet. That was before DSL or cable, when watching a one-minute video clip meant clicking the download button and then finding some chores to do like painting the house or helping my wife deliver a baby. The Upside: At least it involved two people who were once considered attractive by the generally stupid public. The Downside: The video wasn't what I'd call "repulsive. " Webcam reaction: "Don't I have some dishes to do? " Tonya is drunk.
"The Seven Deadly Websites" by Jeff Rosenberg and Caldwell Tanner. 5 Personality Flaws Skyrim Forces You To Deal With. Quick: Look to your left, then look to your right. One of those people is a nerd. It's easy to tell which one, just look for the nerd-shaped hole in the universe where a person used to be. If you've been wondering why it's the geek rapture out there, it's because November is like gaming's sweeps month. Anybody with excess funds and poor impulse control problems is slowly starving to death in front of their computer or console right now. . #5. One of the first things my wife said, after watching me play Skyrim for a few minutes, was, "What must the computer think of you?
" That's because this is my play-style: "Is that a cave? Watching me play Skyrim is like reading one of those Family Circus cartoon maps if little Billy paused periodically to fire an arrow into the back of somebody's head to steal their magical boots. "Yes, I will be doing this for hours. " -- Me, I guess? #4. That's kind of the point of the game: Let's get to the bottom of this dragon business. #3. That it's irrelevant?