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The Onion. Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid. LOS ANGELES--A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA's Institute For Child Development revealed that human babies, long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid. The study, an 18-month battery of intelligence tests administered to over 3,500 babies, concluded categorically that babies are "so stupid, it's not even funny. " According to Institute president Molly Bentley, in an effort to determine infant survival instincts when attacked, the babies were prodded in an aggressive manner with a broken broom handle. Over 90 percent of them, when poked, failed to make even rudimentary attempts to defend themselves. The remaining 10 percent responded by vacating their bowels.
"It is unlikely that the presence of the babies' fecal matter, however foul-smelling, would have a measurable defensive effect against an attacker in a real-world situation," Bentley said. Study results also prompted a strong reaction from President Clinton. We Were Going To Take Over The ‘Onion’ Website, But It’s A Real Mess With All Those Ads. Earlier today, we launched an online attack on the American journalism website The Onion in order to lay bare the lies the Western media has been perpetrating about the Syrian government and its revered leader, Bashar al-Assad. However, we immediately regretted our actions as soon as we hacked into The Onion’s site and saw what a goddamn mess it is with all those ads. Seriously, that site is a complete disaster. Look, when the Syrian Electronic Army hacks into a website, we want users to immediately see our message that Zionist-controlled interests are distorting the facts that come out of Syria, not a bunch of huge, constantly looping ads for God knows what that assault the senses and literally leave you nauseated.
And when we looked at the layout of The Onion’s homepage, we immediately realized the huge mistake we’d made. Do they even have a web designer, or do the journalists just post their content themselves? Come on, The Onion. Where’s the journalistic integrity?