You don’t need a party to get down on some. You don’t need a party to get down on some guacamole. Put it on a salad, taco, tostada, sandwich, whatever you want. Eat it with your hands. I don’t give a flying fuck. SNACK LIFE. 5 ripe avocados 2 medium grapefruits or 1 big son of a bitch ¼ cup chopped cilantro ¼ cup chopped red onion juice of 1 lime (about 2 tablespoons) ¼ teaspoon salt Take the pit out of the avocados and scoop out all the green flesh into a large bowl. Next time someone tells you to eat more veggies, Next time someone tells you to eat more veggies, get down on these tiny motherfuckers. These low fat, high fiber sons of bitches are healthy as shit without sacrificing flavor.
Trying to eat better? START WITH A FUCKING BURGER. 2 cups chopped fresh spinach 1 cup chopped onion 3 cups cooked kidney beans or 2-15 ounce can 1/2 cup cooked brown rice (use leftovers) 4 cloves of garlic, chopped all small and shit 1 tablespoon liquid smoke (like I said, it is near the BBQ sauce at the store I swear. 2 teaspoon soy sauce or tamari 1 tablespoon smoked paprika 2 teaspoons oregano 1 ½ teaspoons ground cumin black pepper to taste 1/2 cup whole wheat breadcrumbs (any breadcrumbs you have are fine. Warm the oven to 375 degrees and lightly grease a large baking sheet. Add the spinach and onion to a food processor and pulse until they are in tiny-ass pieces. No food processor? Divide the mixture into 16 patties if you are making sliders or 8 patties if you are making regular burgers.
WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T LOVE A GOOD SANDWICH?! Well. WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T LOVE A GOOD SANDWICH?! Well this here is a damn fine sandwich that I guarantee your taste buds would high five you if they could. I mean I’m no scientist, maybe they can high five. What the fuck do I know? SANDWICHES. That’s what I fucking know. 8 ounces of tempeh 1 teaspoon olive oil Marinade: ½ cup vegetable broth or water ¼ cup sherry vinegar (chill out, that shit isn’t expensive but you can use apple cider vinegar if you already have that at home) 3 tablespoons tamari or soy sauce 2 tablespoons of your favorite smoky hot sauce (something with chipotle pepper is fucking delicious) 1 tablespoon lemon juice 3 cloves of garlic a couple shakes of black pepper Cut of the garlic into small pieces. Once the tempeh has marinated for long enough heat up the oil over a medium heat in a large skillet or wok.
Once the tempeh is browned on both sides then you are ready to make a badass sandwich. Enough for 4 sandwiches. BUFFALO HAVE BALLS NOT WINGS, so you know this. BUFFALO HAVE BALLS NOT WINGS, so you know this meal is legit. These spicy sons of bitches are high in heat but low in fat because they’re baked not fried. So grab a cold drink and a fist full of celery, YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING NEED ‘EM. 1 ½ cups cooked chickpeas or 1- 15 ounce can, rinsed 1/3 pound of cauliflower ¼ cup diced onion (yellow, white, red, whatever) 1-2 cloves of garlic 1 teaspoon olive oil ½ teaspoon all-purpose seasoning blend (The no-salt blends are best because you can add that salt shit later in small amounts) 2 tablespoons breadcrumbs 2 tablespoons olive oil 2 tablespoons flour (Whole-wheat flour works here so does brown rice flour. 1 cup cayenne based hot sauce ¼ cup water 1 tablespoon vinegar (Apple cider vinegar is my favorite here but white vinegar would work too.
For the falafel: Heat the oven to 400 degrees. For the buffalo sauce: In a small saucepan, heat the oil over a medium-low heat. Makes about 12 falafel. Clear room on the grill for these stuffed sons of. Clear room on the grill for these stuffed sons of bitches. They pack a lot more flavor and nutrition than some lazy, played-out veggie kebabs. And no, you don’t eat the stem; you throw it at whoeverthefuck brought veggie kebabs. 1 ½ cups brown basmati or other long grain brown rice 1 large tomato 1 large carrot 1 zucchini ½ large onion, yellow or white 1 tablespoon of olive oil 2 ¼ teaspoons dried oregano 1 teaspoon dried thyme 1 teaspoon smoked paprika (if the store doesn’t have this then just leave it out. 2 cups water 1 tablespoon sherry vinegar (red wine vinegar would work too) 3-4 cloves of garlic Juice of 1 lemon Salt and pepper to taste 1 ½ cups white beans or 1- 15 ounce can (You can use navy, cannellini, whatever kind of creamy bean you got) 2 tablespoons of chopped onion 2 tablespoons sherry vinegar (or whatever vinegar you’ve already used) 1 tablespoon olive oil ¼ teaspoon oregano dried 4 large bell peppers Fresh basil (optional) Put the rice in a strainer and rinse that shit.
I know you need caffeine sometimes but don’t even. I know you need caffeine sometimes but don’t even fucking think about reaching for a RedBull or 5-Hour Energy. I will slap that shit out of your hand so quick you won’t know whatthefuck happened. Energy drinks are toxic and fucking expensive. Money doesn’t grow on trees; coffee does. Don’t waste your time in a fucking line and spend your hard earned cash on something you can make while you’re sleeping. Cold brewed coffee is also way less acidic, making this easier on your stomach. SO GRAB A CUP OF THIS SIMPLE SHIT AND SEIZE THE GODDAMN DAY. ¾ cup ground coffee (whatever you got is fine) 3 ½ cups cold water Put the coffee grounds in the bottom of a large container.
Makes about 3 ½ cups of coffee (triple this recipe and keep the extra in the fridge all week) Eggplant is abundant as fuck this time of year so. Eggplant is abundant as fuck this time of year so you can buy them on the cheap. Not sure what the hell to do with an eggplant? Grab that Grimace-looking son of a bitch and roast the shit out of it so you can whip together this dope dip. Stow those prepackaged sad excuses for a snack and GET FUCKING SERIOUS. 1 medium sized eggplant (about 2 ½ pounds) 2 tablespoons lemon juice 2 tablespoons olive oil (you can use tahini* here instead of the oil but depending on where you live that shit might be hard to find so don’t stress) 2-3 cloves of garlic, chopped 1 ¼ teaspoons chili powder ½ teaspoon salt 2 tablespoons chopped parsley First you need to roast the fucking eggplant. When the eggplant has cooled down a bit, cut that shit in half. Makes enough for 4 people to snack on *What in the fuck is ‘tahini’?
WHO WANTS SOME GODDAMN DESSERT? Frozen bananas are. WHO WANTS SOME GODDAMN DESSERT? Frozen bananas are legit treats that can make you feel like you’re at the boardwalk even if you’re just standing in front of an oscillating fan in your apartment. USE YOUR IMAGINATION MOTHERFUCKER. Make some of these with the kids, they love that shit. Whether you let them read my recipe or not, that’s on you. 8 popsicle sticks 4 bananas 1 cup of semisweet chocolate chips 1 teaspoon of coconut oil (optional) ½ cup of roasted nuts (I used peanuts but use whateverthefuck you like) Line a baking sheet or a big ass plate with wax paper or parchment. So you can melt the chocolate by either slowly heating that shit in the microwave in 25 second increments and stirring in between until it is melted.
Grab a banana and gently dip it into the chocolate and spoon the chocolate over to cover any holes. Makes 8 badass banana pops.