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McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: List: Return Policies of Various Academic Philosophies. Utilitarianism If a return brings you more happiness than it brings our store unhappiness, then you may return.

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: List: Return Policies of Various Academic Philosophies.

Egalitarianism You deserve the opportunity to return your purchase, just as much as the next person. McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: List: Things to Discuss With My Doctor Before the Hysterectomy. 1.

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: List: Things to Discuss With My Doctor Before the Hysterectomy.

How long until I can: Drive Shower Have sex Lie in the hammock Be annoyed at my neighbor for wearing a Nazi-style motorcycle helmet Be annoyed at everyone in the world like they deserve 2. Is diving down into the netherworld between my legs, through the speculum and into my widened cervix like time travel at all? Is it like Jules Verne’s Journey to the Center of the Earth? Look At Me! I’m Mingling! Hold on just a second there — is this really what I think it is?

Look At Me! I’m Mingling!

Am I…? My Husband Has Been a Garbage Bag Full of Bees This Whole Time. Friends, relatives, and neighborhood beekeepers, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve asked you to meet me here and not wear any perfumes or bright colors.

My Husband Has Been a Garbage Bag Full of Bees This Whole Time.

Unfortunately, I have some disappointing news. Millennial Think-Piece Bingo. Jamie and Jeff’s Note to the Babysitter. Dear Fellow Nurturer: Thank you and congratulations for taking care of our daughter, Ovul, while we are gone.

Jamie and Jeff’s Note to the Babysitter.

The following sets forth some basic information about Ovul and instructions for her care. As discussed during the sixth screening interview, it is important to us that you feel completely relaxed and comfortable while you enjoy your time with Ovul in our house. Please countersign at the end of this document and initial each page to indicate that you agree to feel completely relaxed and comfortable while you enjoy your time with Ovul in those parts of our house to which you are allowed access. What You Need To Know About Ovul What We Need To Know About You Feeding Ovul takes a bottle, as Jamie no longer shows any interest in breastfeeding. Allergies Ovul is allergic to honey, tree nuts, peanuts (including the cartoon), Android-based cell phones, foam, fracking, wall-to-wall carpet, gels, plastic, copper, network television, humidity, the holidays, flannel, thick fur and pressure. Jamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan.

[Originally published June 28, 2012.]

Jamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan.

Dear Hospital Staff: Thank you and congratulations for being on shift for the birth of our child. Cooking a Thanksgiving Turkey is Easy! Well, it’s that time of year again!

Cooking a Thanksgiving Turkey is Easy!

I am talking about Thanksgiving. You are probably seeing a lot of articles about what a turkey is and how to cook it. “Wow,” you might be saying to yourself, “cooking a Thanksgiving turkey sounds hard and complicated and probably should be left to master chefs only!” Are You J. Crew, J. Jill, J. Mendel, or J. Edgar Hoover? Are You a Basic Witch? Your Baby is Most Certainly the Size of Some Kind of Fruit. Weeks 1-4 During the first four weeks of gestation, your baby is too small to have a produce equivalent and therefore too small to be worth mentioning.

Your Baby is Most Certainly the Size of Some Kind of Fruit.

Week 5 By the time you are five weeks pregnant, your baby is the size of an apple seed. It is not the size of a fruit, but the size of a fruit’s baby. The Cephalopod Monster Secretly Living in Your Attic Requests That You Take this Brief Survey. Please rate the following statements on a scale from 1-5, where 5 is strongly agree and 1 is strongly disagree.

The Cephalopod Monster Secretly Living in Your Attic Requests That You Take this Brief Survey.

I feel totally fine and comfortable when I imagine a room in my home full of writhing tentacles. I understand that the presence of a giant, squid-like monster in my home is necessary for world class cable and internet service at unbeatable prices. I feel totally fine and comfortable when I imagine only one or two fairly smallish tentacles that aren’t so much writhing as wiggling like a baby’s toes, if the baby’s toes were 94 cm long. I do not associate a room full of writhing tentacles or two cutely wiggling tentacles with Comcast, Comcast Business, or the Xfinity Triple Play. The one time I saw a tentacle dangling from the ceiling in the mirror and then turned around and the tentacle was gone, I felt totally fine and comfortable, and I did not associate that experience with Comcast, Comcast Business, or the Xfinity Triple Play.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Falling in Love. Product Review: The Invisible Backpack of White Privilege from L.L. Bean. You Are a Gravy Boat. This is it!

You Are a Gravy Boat.

Your big day. Your only day. You finally get to do what you’re meant for: helping people pour roasted bird drippings on other food. It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers. Open Letters: An Open Letter to Paleo Diet Enthusiasts. Dear Paleo Diet Enthusiasts, The thing is, we just don’t care about what you eat, or why. Interviews With People Who Have Interesting or Unusual Jobs: Kate Can’t Get Your Bonbons But She’ll Take a Message. Q: How long did you take car accident phone calls for an insurance company? A: I did it for six months. It was the first place that got back to me after I graduated from college. I know lots of people who’ve been unemployed and had trouble finding jobs so I jumped on it. I didn’t realize it was going to be third shift until I got to the interview. Q: What are the hours for third shift? Q: What was the job like? We were the national call center for this insurance company.

My New Phone Kicks Ass. Check out my new phone. Lesser-Known Prophecies of Nostradamus. J-Dog’s Bachelor Party! S’up, bros! As J-Dog’s best man, I have the privilege of planning THE SICKEST BACHELOR PARTY EVER!!! I want to make sure everything is perfect for him! Monologue: Frankenstein Have Big Night Ahead Of Frankenstein. Why I’m Opposed to Liz Cheney Marriage.

Things erupted on Sunday when Mary Cheney, a lesbian, and her wife were at home watching Fox News Sunday—their usual weekend ritual. Liz Cheney appeared on the show and said that she opposed same-sex marriage, describing it as “just an area where we disagree,” referring to her sister. —Jonathan Martin, the New York Times (Nov. 18, 2013) Look, I don’t know whether someone’s born a Liz Cheney or, due to psychological trauma, turns into a Liz Cheney. But it doesn’t matter, because the simple fact is that letting Liz Cheneys marry is destructive to the very fabric of this country. The Bible clearly defines marriage as between one man and one woman, not one Liz Cheney and anyone else. Position Papers from the Apple Pie and Machine Guns Institute: Position Paper #2: In Defense of Todd Akin. Hyperventilating liberal pundits have been tripping over their recycling bins to see who can express more outrage over Missouri Congressman Todd Akin’s recent analysis of a woman’s reproductive defenses.

This came as no surprise to those of us at APMAG, to whom the Left’s ongoing war on science has become as familiar as liberal bias in political election polls. Updates to the Newspeak Dictionary, 2013. Introducing the Bon Iver “Skinny Love” Cinnabon Depression Sweatpants. Are you a young woman aged 19-24? Has a recent breakup with your boyfriend got you down? List: Screening Questions for Potential Roommates (Based on Ten Years of Living with Strangers). List: Alternatives to Alternative Medicine. Diablo, Lord of Terror, Hires a Contractor. Rude Goldberg Contraptions. A series of dominoes fall, knocking over a marble that rolls off a ledge, landing on a seesaw that tips downwards, dangling a piece of cheese in front of a gerbil that runs on a hamster wheel, unfurling a roll of toilet paper into a trash can, leaving an empty cardboard tube in the bathroom that you’ll have to replace even though you weren’t the person who used it up.

A slinky travels down a flight of stairs, landing on a mousetrap which triggers and flings crumbs of dirt across the room, attracting a Roomba tied to a key, whose movement winds up one of those chattering teeth toys, which eats your lunch despite the fact that you hid it in the back of the office refrigerator and clearly wrote your name on the paper bag. Which leaves you no choice but to passive-aggressively leave empty toilet paper rolls in the office bathroom.