5 Questions You Need to Ask (To Avoid Ruining Your Life) Somewhere, right now, some guy is sleeping under a bridge, or laying next to a dead hooker, or sitting in jail, wondering, "How the fuck did it come to this? " The short answer is that when things are bad, you don't know they're bad. Humans are magical creatures who can completely disregard a raging fire, and then act confused at the sight of ashes. Trust me, I know.
So, if you are stopping to ask yourself one of the below questions -- all of which people have asked me at one point or another -- that's great. You've gotten further than a lot of people, just by asking. It takes a certain amount of courage to stop and ask ... #5. This may be the single biggest "forest for the trees" question you'll ever encounter in life. Photos.comIt's the "how to" murder articles you have to watch out for. Fortunately, as one of America's foremost relationship experts, I've developed a sure-fire way to find out. The Method: It's very simple: Take a close look at the person you're in a relationship with. . #4. The 4 Most Important Things to Know as a Gamer Parent. The exact moment I knew I was a gamer parent -- that is, a gamer who happens to have kids, and not just the parent of kids who play games -- was when I heard my nine year-old son Drew proclaim, "They won't let you kill kids in this game?
That's a bunch of bullcrap," and immediately realized I was going to have to have a conversation with him about it. He was playing Fable II. One of my games. "Father, let us murder virtual children... together. " Knowing what to do in these situations is harder than it sounds. On one hand, I know there are millions of parents like me now. I'm one of those. It's Not Easy Keeping Adult Games Away from the Kids Let's look at my experience with Fable II. I left it laying out in a household with three children because, well, it was a pink game with the word "Fable" on the cover and a guy dressed like Link. I didn't, and one of my sons found it and soon was asking me about how he could murder children, because it apparently seemed like that kind of game. 5 Reasons Internet Access in America is a Disaster.
Right now, I'm typing this column from a friend's shed. At 1:30 a.m. -- it's 100 degrees inside. There is no bathroom. It smells like oil and gasoline from the lawnmower behind me. Why? Because Internet access in a large part of America is kind of fucked. When you hear people complain about it -- say, when somebody jokes about how jealous they are of their Korean friend's 50 MB/s connection -- everybody assumes they're complaining about how long it takes to torrent an HD movie or whining about a latency disadvantage in Call of Duty. But that's not the real problem. Some of Us Just Plain Can't Get It The reason I'm having to access this article from a makeshift connection in a tool shed is that last month I finally moved out of my old apartment that would have been classified as a war crime if POWs were held there.
Photos.comThe computer is made of beetle droppings. I'm not an isolated case -- up to 10 percent of the country can't even get basic broadband. Photos.comIt's made out of this. 5 Things Nobody Tells You About Quitting Drinking. One year ago, I was hospitalized. I won't bore you with the details, so let's just say I was struck down with a case of having an enormous penis.
Several vials of blood were taken for various tests, all of them coming back positive for a magnificent, awe-inspiring dong, which I was already fully aware of. What I didn't expect, however, was the doctor's first question when explaining my results. "So ... how much do you drink per day? " I started to answer, but he threw up a hand to stop me and continued, "If you don't stop drinking right now, you'll be dead before you're 40.
You're 35, and your liver is already showing signs of shutting down. So I quit, cold turkey, after 22 years of what could only be called the my penis of alcohol addictions. For the first couple of days, stretching into the first couple of weeks, you sweat your ass off. Did somebody order some stink? This isn't normal stink. You'd be surprised how little this helps. How bad is it? Like all the symptoms, it passes. Quitting Smoking: 6 Things You Notice About the Stupid World. My body feels like electrified concrete. My mind isn't working. I've eaten about half a pound of Jelly Belly's already. Even the licorice flavored ones. What's it like to quit smoking, you ask? Concentrate on physically clenching every muscle in your body all at once and hold it for as long as you can. I've smoked one to two packs of cigarettes a day for 24 years, and just this week I decided that enough is enough. MTV is Not Targeted Toward Adults Suffering Nicotine Withdrawal To catch you up a bit, I had a series of habits that had me scheduled to die before age 50.
Luckily there are many saliva-augmenting alternatives Anyway, I had been planning a completely unrelated column where I would come back to MTV after having not watched it since I was 16, trying to see teen culture through adult eyes. I reached out to Cracked's own Dan O'Brien for help: I can't say much more on that subject because my "all-day" MTV marathon lasted two hours. Brown Jelly Bellys are Like Shit Landmines No.