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Hello from room 109 at the American Motel in beautiful Pixley, California. As “America’s Funnyman,” I’m very excited about the opportunity to earn cash writing this new column. My fans know that I am the hardest-working comedian on the circuit, doing nearly 400 shows last year alone. However, fans who have seen legal documents from the divorce and bankruptcy proceedings against me (sold on commemorative hamburger-shaped 2GB flash drives by an unscrupulous souvenir vendor in the parking lots of the venues that hosted my shows) know that my live performance income is garnished by my creditors. It is through side jobs—such as writing this column, stuffing envelopes, or washing cars—that I am able to stay somewhat afloat. I am thankful for this opportunity.
Everybody loves a good prank… unless you are the one on the receiving end of the fun. It’s time to hone your pranking skills, not just to make sure you are the best, but so you can avoid being pranked by others. Yeah, sure, we could go with the old standards, like a blue screen of death screensaver or something like that, but it’s time to use our geek skills and come up with something better.
Dear Mr. President: Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
Marine Corps Rules: 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. 3.
...you can identify universities by their internet domains. ...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. ...you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes. ...you understand jokes about Foucoult. ...the concept of free time scares you. ...you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
This was found on the newsgroup: rec.humor.funny A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
A hipster needs a drafty, cramped environment to feel safe, preferably close to the coast and within walking distance of at least three comic book stores. Line your hipster's cage with musty vintage clothing. You can feed it lukewarm veggie stir-fry leftovers by hand, but don't turn on the TV set or mention Jesus, as this might upset its fragile digestive system. Use extreme caution when introducing your hipster to new hipsters.