Great Truths About Life. This page is brought to you by UC Berkeley Parents Network Back to the Jokes & Quotes Collection 1.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats. 2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3. If you sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. The opinions and statements expressed on this page are those of parents who belong to the UC Berkeley Parents Network and should not be taken as a position of or endorsement by the University of California, Berkeley. 10/1/30/9:39pm. Encyclopedia of Humor. 1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. 5 Sex is not the answer. 6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. 7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 8 Having sex is like playing bridge. 9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. Great Quotes by Great Ladies. Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome The phrase "working mother"! Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Douglas Adams Quotes. He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
Douglas Adams He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Mitch Hedberg Jokes. Jokes cleaned up for this website.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle. I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. " Profquotes. TM): Great quotes by comedians. Great quotes by comedians ----- Begin NetScrap(TM) ----- Great quotes by comedians "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
" --Bobcat Goldthwait "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money. " --Kevin Meaney "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. Mitch Hedberg quotes. Things People Said: Courtroom Quotations. The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child? "Witness: "I only have one, you know. " Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? "Witness: "By death. " Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse? " The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail. Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?
" Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house? " Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? " Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like? " Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all? " 64 Funny, Inspiring and Stupid Money Quotes From Famous People. Wise Bread Picks People love quoting famous people.
Whether the celebrity in question is a genius or not, we love a good sound byte. We've collected quotes from presidents, movie stars, philosophers, athletes, and even Paris Hilton on everybody's favorite topic: Money. (See also: How Money Can Destroy Your Dreams)