Great Truths About Life. This page is brought to you by UC Berkeley Parents Network Back to the Jokes & Quotes Collection 1. No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats. 2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3. If you sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato. 5. The opinions and statements expressed on this page are those of parents who belong to the UC Berkeley Parents Network and should not be taken as a position of or endorsement by the University of California, Berkeley.
10/1/30/9:39pm. Encyclopedia of Humor. Great Quotes by Great Ladies. Douglas Adams Quotes. He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which. Douglas Adams He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. I love deadlines. I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. In the beginning the Universe was created. In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear. Life... is like a grapefruit. Time is an illusion. You live and learn. Mitch Hedberg Jokes. Jokes cleaned up for this website. I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle. I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. " I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. Has anyone seen me on Letterman? It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.
I don't like grouper fish. I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. I've got a wallet, it's orange. I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call? " A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. Cavities are made by sugar. I like cottage cheese. I'm an ice sculptor. That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. Profquotes. TM): Great quotes by comedians. Great quotes by comedians ----- Begin NetScrap(TM) ----- Great quotes by comedians "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. " --Bobcat Goldthwait "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout.
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money. " --Kevin Meaney "My mom said she learned how to swim. Mitch Hedberg quotes. Things People Said: Courtroom Quotations. The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity. Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child? "Witness: "I only have one, you know. " Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
"Witness: "By death. " Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse? " The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail. Lawyer: "What is your date of birth? " Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house? " Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? " Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like? " Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all? " Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you? " Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ? " Lawyer: "What happened then? " 64 Funny, Inspiring and Stupid Money Quotes From Famous People.
Wise Bread Picks People love quoting famous people. Whether the celebrity in question is a genius or not, we love a good sound byte. We've collected quotes from presidents, movie stars, philosophers, athletes, and even Paris Hilton on everybody's favorite topic: Money. (See also: How Money Can Destroy Your Dreams) 1. "Early to bed, early to rise, keeps you healthy, wealthy and wise. " - Benjamin Franklin 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64.