The 16 Most Baffling Pieces of Official Merchandise Ever. We get that stupid kids and distracted parents are going to shill out big cash for action figures or SpongeBob SquarePants macaroni. And we totally get that there are adults out there who are thrilled to spend bigger cash on collectibles from their own childhoods. But the stuff on this list isn't for either of those groups.
Or anyone else, as far as we can tell. Alien Micro Machines Toys Via toyarchive Look to the upper right of the box. That's a bloody, disemboweled man on a box of Micro Machines, tiny toys that were typically sold to "ages 4 and up. " Via toyarchive"Warning: Small children may present a choking hazard when consumed.
" Yes, they made a line of Micro Machines based on the Alien franchise, R-rated movies that are kind of about rape. All that's missing is the facehugger itself for some sweet tiny vehicle/psychological horror pretend play. Dune Children's Activity Books If you're not clear on why these are a whole other ball of misguided wax, get a load of the illustrations: 5 Sci-Fi Technologies People Achieved By Hacking the Kinect. On June 1, 2009, Microsoft announced the Kinect, and with it, they promised the birth of a new generation of motion-controlled video games. Instead, we got a virtual puppy petting machine and awkward wedding-dance simulator.
But some particularly handy people took a look at the Kinect and saw the true potential. Here's what they gave us ... #5. Holograms Holograms are a pretty big staple of science fiction universes. The Hack: Along with jetpacks, hoverboards and blow-job robots, holograms are one of those future cockteases that were promised to us long ago, but that nobody ever shows any sign of delivering. If it brings us one step closer to holo-porn, it automatically counts as altruism.
So What Does This Mean for Gaming? It's still technically a 2-D display, so it might not mean holographic games quite yet (at least not beyond the puzzle variety, though it would make a sweet-ass Jenga simulator). Or just spending the whole day flipping out your cats. #4. Dear God, don't taunt it! #3. The 6 Creepiest Things Ever Slipped Into Children's Cartoons.
Whether they realize it or not, parents leave their children in the care of cartoon writers for several hours every week--which is about as wise as telling your kids that a candy-dealing leprechaun lives at the bottom of the swimming pool. For every wholesome lesson about sharing and togetherness, there's at least one deeply disturbing reference they've managed to slip past the censors. And some times, it's not exactly subtle. Animaniacs - Fingering Prince The whole secret to the success of a cartoon like Animaniacs is to appeal both to the kiddies who like animated slapstick, and to the college kids who like the quick inside jokes clearly intended to sail over the toddlers' heads. Then, sometimes, they'll throw in a reference to fingering a man's anus. For example, we have the episode "Hercule Yakko"--an oblique reference to Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot that no child would get--where the Warner siblings act as detectives on board a cruise ship as they look for a stolen diamond.
6 Terrifying Children's Cartoons from Around the World. If there's one thing we know about kids' movies, it's that some of them can get pretty terrifying. And if there's one thing we know about foreign movies, it's that all of them are confusing and bizarre. Now combine those two things, and you get the following traumatizing scenes from cartoons around the world: #6. The Animals of Farthing Wood (Britain/France) -- Little Baby Cartoon Animals, Horribly Stabbed to Death For example, in one episode, the group gains new characters when two members of the party, the field mice, have little mice babies: "They're all so adorable.
Surely adding kids to the cast will make the show more whimsical and fun, right? They couldn't have known they were trespassing on Vlad the Bluejay's territory. Holy shit -- there's more gore in that scene than in the entire second season of The Walking Dead. They weren't just killed off subtly off screen: We needed to witness their horrible deaths, for some reason, and then watch their mother crying in sadness and guilt.
7 Artists Who Secretly Made Your Favorite Movies. There's a good reason credits come at the end of a movie -- no one wants to watch the names of best boys and personal assistants drift across the screen for 11 minutes. But if you've ever bothered to stick around through the scroll, you may have realized that some of the same names keep popping up in all your favorite movies, and they aren't next to jobs like "director" or "Indiana Jones. " In fact, you've probably been a diehard fan of the following seven people your entire life without ever realizing it. #7. Ralph McQuarrie Envisioned the Star Wars Universe Quickly, what's your favorite scene from the original Star Wars trilogy? The first moment you see Darth Vader?
When Luke loses his hand and finds out the truth about his father? Ralph McQuarrie was the production illustrator -- basically, the guy whose job it is to get studios excited about the movie. Mental Floss Jedi Temple Archives But surely McQuarrie was just bringing George Lucas' ideas to life, right? #6. This guy. #5. . #4. 7 Basic Things You Won't Believe You're All Doing Wrong. If you're like us, you might sometimes have a problem with complex tasks, like trying to drive an ambulance and send a text message at the same time.
But hey, at least most of us have figured out the simplest things that get us through the day, right? Except, you know, some of the simple things we've done every day of our lives, like ... What could be simpler than taking a good crap? Even babies are good at it. You might be surprised, then, to find out that even those of us who can burp without throwing up get this wrong every single day. The one who just threw up on the other one's shoulder is better at pooping. Chances are the pooping facility nearest you is a sitting toilet, a relatively recent invention that flushed its way into mankind's heart with the advent of indoor plumbing in the 19th century. GettyFuture toilets will exist just to kill us.
So how the hell are we meant to do it? Luckily, there's a relatively simple way to end this poop dilemma. GettyDemonstrated here. The 9 Most Insane Board Games of All Time. We realize that advertising should be taken with a whole shaker of salt, especially when it comes to toys, where there's a long history of making products look better than they are (as multiple generations of Sea Monkeys owners can testify). These board game boxes, though, go beyond deceptive advertising and right into the realm of "See, this is why your industry collapsed. " After all, we would have never stopped playing if these games had lived up to the depiction on their boxes. Just look at ... #9. The Backbone Via Boardgamegeek.comJust only for intelligent people who grammar like us. What It Looks Like: Ah, yeah! What It Is: Via Boardgamegeek.comWait, are those ... nipples? It's a damned geometry game. There isn't even any nude art anywhere on the game board, and the pieces don't have tiny boobs.
Photos.comHere, take the ceremonial protractor and tell me about your father. #8. 15 Love Via Etsy.com"Given, he was playing against a corpse, and they had to go to a tie breaker, but still. " #7. 6 Inventors Who Got Jack Shit for Changing the Modern World. We all grew up listening to our parents tell us how talent, dedication and hard work would get us far in life. But the reality is that even if you go out and change the world, there's no guarantee you'll be rewarded for your efforts.
There have been plenty of people throughout history that made amazing contributions to modern culture and got precisely dick in return. Alexey Pajitnov, Creator of Tetris There are some games in life that everyone plays at some point. Checkers, chess, Monopoly, doctor and motherfucking Tetris. In 1984, Alexey Pajitnov was working as a programmer at the Russian Academy of Science, a research and development center you'd think would be busy designing nuclear warheads during the Cold War. Purely to amuse himself he created the falling-block game Tetris over the course of just a couple of weeks.
And occasionally human skin, apparently. So How Did the Creator Make Out? This story does sort of have a happy ending. Groundbreaking, get it? "Wait, that shit is mines! " 6 Insane Roads You Won't Believe People Actually Drive On. In the name of making all of us appreciate what we have in life, we have in the past looked at some of the most terrifying commutes in the world, proving that none of nature's obstacles can keep man from going where he wants to go. For further (even more insane) evidence, you only need to look at where we've chosen to build our highways, oblivious to all obstacles, elements and mortal danger. #6.
Lena Highway Eats Your Car and Casts You into a Hopeless Dystopia Via Englishrussia.com It carries the loving nickname "Highway from Hell," and when travelers say they're "neck-deep in mud," they're just trying to give an accurate measurement: Via Oknation.net"Hon, would you mind getting out and giving us a push? " And in fact ... ... they might be making an understatement.
Via Englishrussia.comThe thing about all the mud is -- wait, is that guy wearing pants? During winter, this works just fine. Via Englishrussia.com"OK, so who are we eating first? " In deepest Siberia. With all the cars slowly sinking. If The Wizard of Oz Got a Gritty Reboot. The 25 Most Insane Protester Signs. In this modern age of cynical detachment, where many people have difficulty expressing an opinion that isn't couched in layers of irony and "meh," there's something refreshing about protesters. These people actually care about something, so firmly and fervently that they're willing to get up and do something about it, even if that something is only marching around and trying to work up a rhyme for "globalization.
" Yeah they smell, and they're usually shamelessly ugly, but there's just something so earnest about these people that we can't help but respect. Except for the stupid ones. It turns out there's a lot of those. Here are the 25 stupidest. Later this guy would feel humiliated, when he realized the spelling error on his sign after he'd gotten home from this small town's annual protest of the works of Rick Moranis.
"I'm telling you Ethel, it doesn't matter if it's grammatically accurate, you're just going to confuse people. " Maybe, but Jesus had the PR, and a way better stylist. Gore But. 6 Absurd Phobias (And The People Who Actually Have Them) In a relatively safe world, the part of our brain that alerts us to danger just seems to get bored sometimes. Thus, phobias (from the Latin "phobus" meaning "Seriously, you're scared of that? ") are born. Psychology has compiled thousands of phobias, to the point that it seems somebody in the field has made a hobby of inventing them. But there are some truly ridiculous ones that actually do affect people, including some people you know. Such as ... What is it?
Fear of bright colors. Imagine you're strolling down a main thoroughfare and you chance upon a vast panorama of leather regalia, rainbow flags and colorfully decorated floats. Famous Chromophobes: Billy Bob Thornton, a man who housed just enough crazy to land Angelina Jolie, has plenty of other crazy to accessorize with it. He refuses to inhabit a room with furniture built before 1950, which we guess means he has to maintain an entourage of several qualified antique appraisers or carbon-dating specialists.
Fear of butterflies. 7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know (For Some Reason) What do you suppose are the most well-kept secrets in the world? The launch codes for the American nuclear arsenal? The location of Jimmy Hoffa's bones? Not even close. Below are secrets that only two people on planet Earth know. Sometimes they have very good reasons to keep these secrets so fiercely. The Formula for Coca-Cola What is it? It's no surprise that one of most profitable companies ever would want to keep their formula a secret. Yet, the formula is so fiercely protected that the company even pulled out of India in the 1970s because they would have been legally required to divulge their ingredient list to their government.
It even managed to stall a divorce case. Who Knows: Only two Coke executives know it. How it is Kept Secret: The original copy of the formula is kept in an undisclosed SunTrust Bank in Atlanta. All of this is pointless in the end. And if another company did somehow get permission to import coca, hell, there is at least one better way to make money with it. Holy. 27 Hit Songs As Understood by a 5-Year-Old Slideshow. 5 Surprisingly Easy Ways to Make Kids Smarter. There is an endless debate about why school kids in the Western world are falling behind everyone else. Some say it's a shameful lack of funding; others say kids these days are too lazy and too busy Twittering on their iPads about the Justin Biebers to learn calculus. But there are actually things you can do to help kids learn that cost next to nothing. For instance, studies show that kids do better if you ...
Start the School Day Later (By Just One Hour) Here's something every kid knows, and that parents have been ignoring since the beginning of time. Sneak a quick peek around your office/classroom/rodeo clown school. GettyAnd our emotional problems. And for those kids, particularly teenagers, sleep deprivation can mean failure at school. Getty"He's still terrible at art, but at least the cat's alive in this one. " Why Does This Work? Because of a hormonal switch in the natural body clock, teens are often not sleepy late at night, unlike most adults and small children, so they stay up late. The 20 Most Ridiculous Batman Comics Ever Released. Through 70 years of publication, Batman has braved many adventures that push the limits of the imagination. These are the stupid ones. Detective Comics: 241 This is what happens when Batman is written by Liberace.
Also, Robin can call it red all he wants, but according to our Crayola box set, Batman's costume is actually pretty-princess-pink. "And that concludes our presentation of the Batcave. "So your bat-cave is right under Bruce Wayne's house? " "You betcha! " "And the only entrance is through a staircase connected to Bruce Wayne's house, right? " "Right again! " "So...so you are Bruce Wayne, then? " "Ah- Oh. Detective Comics: 339 "Gee, Batman, why'd you pick up the Gorilla Bomb in the first place? " "Gee, Robin, how about you stop shitting yourself and get over here and help me? " Detective Comics: 119 "And this is what I'm going to do to goddamn stupid Batman and Robin! "Pete...
"In a second, I'm telling Snow-Batman here what I'm about to do to his dead mother's corpse. " Part 2: Electric Boogaloo. The 6 Most WTF Special Edition Comics Ever Released. Looking at the baffling products that are spawned from successful franchises it's not surprising that people will also dish out good money for any comic book-like product that features their favorite characters, and we mean absolutely any comic book. It doesn't matter if it's missing insignificant things like a plot, logic or even any entertainment value whatsoever, someone will obviously buy that shit, because the comic book industry just keeps on making them. Stuff like ... #6. The Marvel Swimsuit Edition idlovetobebardafree"Fury and Stark are modelling adorable modest low rise bikini briefs and the means to your childhood's destruction.
" comicvineArtistic integri-what now? For example, we have this cover that shows Rogue too busy looking hot to care that all that exposed skin is legitimately endangering the life of every person and thing she comes across. Oh. toplessrobotAbove: Anterotic. comicsallianceFor a battered 'Nam vet, he has a remarkable absence of scars. #5. . #4. The 8 Most Violent Falls Ever Survived on YouTube. 4 Famous Pop Culture Moments Everyone Remembers Incorrectly. The 15 Worst Album Covers of All-Time. 8 Movie Special Effects You Won't Believe Aren't CGI. 5 Classic Cartoons They Don't Want You To See. 5 Amazing Performances From Actors Who Weren't Acting.
8 Classic Movies That Got Away With Gaping Plot Holes. 6 Insane Sequels That Almost Ruined Classic Movies. 6 Classic Movies (That Narrowly Avoided Disaster) 7 Classic Disney Movies Based On R-Rated Stories. 5 Ways Stores Use Science to Trick You Into Buying Crap. 5 Life Lessons You Only Learn Through Quitting Smoking. 7 Movies You Didn't Know Can Come True (With Mental Illness) 15 Grossly Misleading Movie Posters. The 6 Most Mind-Blowing Ways Your Brain Can Malfunction. 5 Ways To Hack Your Brain Into Awesomeness.
When déjà vu becomes unbearable. 5 Horrific Ways Your Brain Can Turn On You Without Warning. The 10 Most Ridiculous Inventions Ever Patented. The 20 Worst Cover Songs in Pop Music History. Rhyme Crime: The 20 Worst Rhymes In Pop Music History. The 10 Most Perverted Old School Video Games. 8 Bad Drivers Nobody Complains About (Part 2)