background preloader

Cracked

Facebook Twitter

The 6 Greatest War Heroes Who Got Screwed Out of History. One thing's for sure -- we love us some war heroes.

The 6 Greatest War Heroes Who Got Screwed Out of History

And we like to think that when our men and women on the front lines go the extra mile for their country, they'll get all the medals and accolades they deserve. Unfortunately, due to bureaucracy, petty politics or just good old-fashioned racism, this is not always the case. Just look at ... #6. The Free French Army After the French government fell to Germany in World War II, the biggest problem for the French resistance was scraping together enough soldiers to build a halfway effective army.

He loved two things in life: tiny mustaches and giant microphones. These were some pretty hardcore colonial fighters who earned their stripes fighting various insurgencies throughout Africa, and with a mix of African, Arab, Tahitian and white French officers, the army was like a kill-happy United Colors of Beneton. 5 Cosmic Events That Could Kill You Before Lunch. Sure, everybody has seen Armageddon and knows that if an asteroid should come hurdling toward us, we'd just have to send up a bunch of dudes to stuff a bomb inside it.

Easy! But it turns out there are a whole lot of other, less well-known threats out there in the cosmos that that could wipe us out at any moment. And we'd probably never see them coming. Stellar black holes are so-named because they are only "sort of" more massive than our sun, in contrast with supermassive black holes that can stomp an entire galaxy into oblivion because they feel like it. There are thousands of these stellar black holes floating around space. Actual science picture. In other words, a black hole could be right next to our solar system and we wouldn't know it until it starts snacking on the sun. 5 Bizarre Ways the Weather Can Kill You Without Warning. What the...?

5 Bizarre Ways the Weather Can Kill You Without Warning

So you're relaxing on your porch after a storm, pretty much enjoying yourself when you notice the temperature going up, and fast. Like somebody just turned on an oven, and you're inside. Then, a howling wind kicks up out of fucking nowhere and knocks you flat on your back right there on your own damn porch. And maybe takes the porch with it, too. They call it a heat burst. 5 Bizarre Ways the Weather Can Kill You Without Warning. Mother Nature is kind of a bitch.

5 Bizarre Ways the Weather Can Kill You Without Warning

Hurricanes, floods and tsunamis are all her little ways of letting us know that, deep down, she hates us. Possibly for all those times we razed a forest to build a CostCo. But sometimes mother nature is passive aggressive, throwing a horrifying curve ball out of the clear blue sky. How to Retroactively Ruin a Joke [COMIC] 6 Statistically Full of S#!t Dangers The Media Loves to Hype. If there's one thing we've learned from our elders it's that death is a big shit sandwich, and we've all gotta scarf it down one day.

6 Statistically Full of S#!t Dangers The Media Loves to Hype

Assuming you're not a robot who can simply transfer your consciousness into a new body when the Reaper comes a-knocking, you've probably spent a little time pondering what is going to take you out in the end. Chances are you're worrying about the wrong sandwich. Statistics show that the bogeymen behind some of the most widespread fears and phobias are downright toothless. 29 Observations From the Back of a Line on Black Friday. Damnit!

29 Observations From the Back of a Line on Black Friday

How the hell are there 10 people here already? Crap crap crap. The flier said there was only ten of the good plasmas at the stupid low price. And I bet every one of these turdnecks in front of me gets one. 6 Ways 'Fallout: New Vegas' Made Me a Worse Person. 11,201 More Pieces of Terrible Advice. Very few critics are brave enough to scrutinize romance self-help books.

11,201 More Pieces of Terrible Advice

One big reason for this is eunuchism. I'll demonstrate: Concentrate on your lap when you read this tip from 10,000 Ways to Say I Love You: "2206. Give her socks that picture her favorite flowers. " Did you notice that as you read it, the area around your genitals began secreting genital solvent? The 15 Most Bizarre Animal Mating Rituals. Native to Arizona, these lizards have apparently been infected with some manner of Sapphic Lilith Fair gene and somehow managed to entirely eliminate the male of the species.

The 15 Most Bizarre Animal Mating Rituals

As a result, the lizards are what scientists call "parthenogenetic unisexual pseudocopulators" but what we call "lesbo lizards. " Since there are no males, the females reproduce on their own, making exact copies of themselves. However, proving that porn has many life lessons to teach us, the lizards still need another woman to get the job done. A butchy female, noted by her small undeveloped eggs, will hop on another female who has rich, robust, ready-to-be-lesbianized eggs, and mock hump her lizard brains out while some awesome jazz plays in the background. The 6 Most Insane Sex Lives in the Animal Kingdom.

We were sure it'd be impossible to find a more horrifying mating ritual than the bees, but we think we've got it.

The 6 Most Insane Sex Lives in the Animal Kingdom

You can thank the salmon. You've probably heard tale of how the salmon swim upstream to mate, but that's not painting the true, terrifying picture. Let's say you and a bunch of friends make a journey to your childhood hometown for an orgy (look, you need to accept that the animal kingdom just has looser rules here). But the trip is dangerous--you'll have to trek across a wilderness filled with enemies, and the air at the destination will kill you if you breathe too much of it. So it's actually kind of like the fellowship in Lord of the Rings traveling to Mordor, only instead of saving Middle Earth, you're looking to grab lots o' strange titty. By the time you make it to the destination, the trip has been so hard on you and your companions that everyone is wounded or literally rotting on their feet.

Oh, Google, you so crazy! Why in the hell do salmon go through this? Korea. Here's how little anyone knows about North Korea: Kim Jong-Il's son is likely behind their recent attacks on South Korea, and nobody knows anything about him, or even what he looks like.

Korea

He's Kaiser Soze with nukes. Should We Be Scared About Korea? The country that hosted the 20th Century's least important war (at least in the two categories that matter: monuments and movies) might turn out to be the epicenter of the 21st Century's most least expected apocalypse. The 6 Strangest Objects People Were Caught Having Sex With. Have you ever walked past a piece of furniture or some other inanimate object and thought, "Hey, that's got a hole in it.

The 6 Strangest Objects People Were Caught Having Sex With

I wonder if I can stick my dick in there... " If you have, you're not alone. Either due to bizarre sexual fetishes or just plain boredom, men have gotten caught screwing anything and everything. 6 Romantic Gestures That Backfired Horrifically. Along with many males, Bryan Arquitt subscribes to a school of thought that says there's really no reason to tell the truth in a relationship when you can make up something wicked cool instead.

Like telling that lady you just met in a chatroom that you have a 10-inch wang while she in turn never mentions her own 10-inch wang or that her real name is Gary. Lies make relationships spicy and wonderful and they never, ever come back to haunt you. Username: HungNSexy69. The problem with this scenario is that Arquitt sucks at telling lies and/or understanding what impresses women. When Bryan and his brother-in-law were taking a fishing trip, the water was too rough for the pair to dip their rods. While in Arquitt's mind this made him seem like an adventurous badass, to his girlfriend, who was not retarded, it was a problem. Bridalplasty: The New Reality Show That Proves We're Doomed. Oh poor, sad, naive, Past Daniel. I can see you, a year ago, writing about Jersey Shore, and believing -- really believing -- that it was the absolute lowest level to which reality television was going to sink.

So naive. People of Cracked, I'd like to introduce you to Bridalplasty. 8 Questions Every WoW Fan Apparently Needs Answered. Blizzcon 2010 let gamers try Diablo III and World of Warcraft: Cataclysm, giving them a sneak preview of the cause of their next failed relationships. Tenacious D performed with Dave Grohl, hot girls costumed and professional Starcraft players baffled the non-Koreans with the fact that they exist. However, the real entertainment was at the Q&A sessions. Let me explain what a Q&A session is: nerds huddle in a line, forming Swine Flunor, waiting to ask one question to the game developers. Now, some of the worst qualities of nerds are entitlement, lack of social skills and narcissism. 6 Animals That Just Don't Give A F#@k. My Failed Attempts to Write a Goosebumps Novel. The Mask Next Door Everyone hates masks. The 5 Most Terrifying Jobs in the History of War. We here at Cracked are as guilty as anyone of celebrating badassery in war -- a dude who captures a whole Nazi platoon by himself deserves all the compliments he can get.

But you always want to stop short of glamorizing war, so in that spirit, let's count down some of the mind-bogglingly shitty jobs people have gotten stuck with during wartime. There Was Always That One Kid That Ruined Every D&D Game ... Herk the Moonsbane hefted his gargantuan blade, the weight of it causing even his immense form to stumble momentarily. He spat on the ground, grinned over at his comrades -- most of them beaten, bloody, and half-alive -- and he took a step forward. The 5 Most Epic One Man Rampages In the History Of War. When pushed too far, some men shut down completely, cry or rail against the unjust God that inflicted such dire times upon them. And some men, when they reach their breaking points as human beings, opt instead to transcend the limitations of the human form, channel hellfire through their palms and bring the entire world crashing down around them.

5 Horrifying Food Additives You've Probably Eaten Today. 5 Popular Safety Measures That Don't Make You Any Safer. Bukkake of the Gods: Japan's Insane Creation Myths. We are not here to condemn Japanese culture, with its terrifying game shows and tentacle rape. Who are we to judge? But we do want to understand it. Gay Bigfoot & the 7 Weirdest Mythical Creatures in the World. Every country has its own Bigfoot. The 7 Most Ridiculous Ghost Stories from Around the World. 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity. 5 Things The Media Loves Pretending Are News. 7 Clearly Fake News Stories That Fooled The Mainstream Media. 7 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to be True (Part 4) 6 Bullshit Facts About Psychology That Everyone Believes. Public Restrooms. 26 Sexy Halloween Costumes That Shouldn't Exist. 5 Deadly Sci-Fi Gadgets You Can Build At Home. 5 Of New Columnist Ian Fortey's Finest Cracked Articles.

7 Badass Animals Presidents Have Kept As Pets. Vuvuzelas. The 5 Weirdest Products on the Web, One Disturbing Night. 7 Random Animals That Decided The Course of History. 9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think. The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullsh*t Statistics. The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Coincidences of All Time. 6 Tips for Photography (At Your Ex-Girlfriend's Wedding) 10 Awesome Ways to Quit Your Job. 9 Video Game Easter Eggs That Took Years to Find. 7 Movies Based on a True Story (That Are Complete Bullshit) The Sociopath's Guide to Owning and Maintaining Classic Cars. 15 MORE Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped.

13 Real Animals Lifted Directly Out of Your Nightmares. 6 Animals That Can Get You High. The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys. The 7 Most Horrifying Museums on Earth. Nature's 6 Most Diabolical Predators. 15 Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped. 17 More Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped. 5 Tiny Mistakes That Led To Huge Catastrophes. Snuggie Sutra: 10 Ways to Use Sleeves on a Blanket [CHART]

6 Romantic Movie Gestures That Can Get You Prison Time. The 5 Most Impractical Aspects of Superhero Costumes. The 5 Most Statistically Full of Shit National Stereotypes. The 6 Most Statistically Full of Shit Professions. 6 Movie Plots That Could Have Been Solved In Minutes. 5 Insane Fighting Manuals (You Probably Shouldn't Listen To) 6 Insane True Stories Too Awesome for a Chuck Norris Movie. The 6 Most Badass Murder Weapons in the Animal Kingdom. Your Mom Lied: 5 Common Body Myths Debunked. The 5 Most Ridiculous Lies You Were Taught In History Class. Nature's 6 Most Diabolical Predators. 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal. The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Animal Facts.

8 Historic Symbols That Mean The Opposite of What You Think. 10 Mustache Styles That Must Be Stopped. 6 Things You Won't Believe Are More Legal Than Marijuana. 17 Counterproductive Public Service Announcements. 5 Ridiculous Ancient Beliefs That Turned Out to Be True. 5 Gaping Plot Holes Hollywood Knows You Won't Notice. Should You Post That Status Update? 5 Things From the 90s That Might (As Well) Come Back. Dr. Strange The Movie: Why It's Not as Crazy As It Sounds. 4 Real Survival Guides for Wildly Improbable Situations. Infiltrating a Gang Based on My Knowledge of 'West Side Story ... 5 Baffling Search Queries Answered by a Complete Lunatic. 6 Amazingly High-Tech Ancient Weapons. The 7 Most Insane Things Ever Done to Get Out of Something. 6 Things From History Everyone Pictures Incorrectly.

8 Ingenious Ways Animals Outsmart Predators. The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You. Hybrid Animals. 5 Lovable Animals You Didn't Know Are Secretly Terrifying. 6 Products Designed Solely to Make You a Worse Person. The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy. Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventure. 6 Subtle Ways The News Media Disguises Bullshit As Fact.

5 Reasons You Should Be Scared of Google. 6 Slacker Behaviors That Science Says Are Good For You. Ke$ha. 5 Real Robots Built To Love You... To Death. Fortey. 6 Historic Acts of Revenge That Put 'Kill Bill' to Shame. 6 Historic Acts of Revenge That Put 'Kill Bill' to Shame.