Earth Passed Over For Invasion. 98% Of Babies Manic-Depressive. Average Time Spent Being Happy Drops To 13 Seconds Per Day. Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian. LOUISVILLE, KY—At first glance, high school senior Lucas Faber, 18, seems like any ordinary gay teen.
He's a member of his school's swing choir, enjoys shopping at the mall, and has sex with other males his age. But lately, a growing worry has begun to plague this young gay man. A gnawing feeling that, deep down, he may be a fundamentalist, right-wing Christian. "I don't know what's happening to me," Faber admitted to reporters Monday. "It's like I get these weird urges sometimes, and suddenly I'm tempted to go behind my friends' backs and attend a megachurch service, or censor books in the school library in some way. Added Faber, "I feel so confused. " The openly gay teen, who came out to his parents at age 14 and has had a steady boyfriend for the past seven months, said he first began to suspect he might be different last year, when he started feeling an odd stirring within himself every time he passed a church.
Faber's instinct was to deny these early emotions. This Article Generating Thousands Of Dollars In Ad Revenue Simply By Mentioning New iPad. SAN FRANCISCO—According to industry sources, this news article is generating a veritable bonanza of highly lucrative advertising revenue by mere virtue of the fact that it mentions Apple's new iPad.
"Current estimates show that the particular article I am being quoted in at this very moment began to accumulate thousands of dollars in ad-based profits as soon as the words 'new iPad' appeared in the headline," said market analyst Jonathan Bowers, who single-handedly and out of thin air created cold hard cash for a media organization simply by adding that the new Apple iPad will feature a high-definition screen and an improved processor. "Furthermore, any subsequent mention of the new iPad in this article—as well as any mention of the fact that preorders for the device start today—is resulting in increased reader traffic and, thus, increased revenues for your company's ad-based business model. " Succession Of Terrible Events Fails To Befall 33-Year-Old Riding Longboard To Digital Media Job. NEW YORK—A series of horrific, devastatingly injurious events failed to befall 33-year-old Flavorpill.com digital media developer Jake Reston as he confidently skated to work on his longboard, shocked witnesses reported today.
Hundreds of aghast Manhattan commuters who watched Reston not hit a pothole with his idiotic oversized skateboard or fly uncontrollably through the air and smash his stupid fucking face right into the pavement said they were compelled to look away when Reston's foppish, military-inspired canvas shoulder bag didn't become snagged on the side-view mirror of a passing taxi cab and cause him to be dragged screaming down the street. "My God, it was one of the most awful things I've ever seen," said retail associate Laura Forester, 29, who was exiting the subway when Reston passed right in front of her and managed not to, at the very least, lose control of his longboard and fall in a big pile of dog shit.
"All I could think about was his poor parents," Forester added. Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase. SAGINAW, MI—According to Franklin Middle School seventh-grader and closeted homosexual Ben McElroy, the highlight of his day is the 30 minutes between third and fourth period when he eats lunch on a staircase by himself.
"It's nice to eat alone while other people are in class or in the cafeteria," McElroy told reporters Wednesday as he finished the bologna sandwich his mother had prepared and packed neatly into a brown paper bag for him that morning. "No one bothers me, it's safe and quiet, and I get to enjoy my lunch. " "It's not so bad," a smiling McElroy added. In addition, McElroy said that as his lunch period approaches, he enjoys staring at the clock on the wall and eagerly counting down the minutes until he can finally sit and eat alone on the seldom-traversed staircase in the school's South Hall.
The 12-year-old also told reporters it "felt cool" knowing he had a little corner of the school largely to himself for a moment. Nation Trying, Okay? NEW YORK—Pushed to the breaking point after constantly being taken to task for its shortcomings without ever hearing so much as a word of thanks for everything it does around here, an overwhelmed and infuriated nation announced Wednesday that it was trying, okay?
Jesus, sources confirmed. Early reports acknowledged that while every aspect of the country might not be as picture-fucking-perfect as it could be, millions of Americans are working really hard, and considering the current shitty circumstances, they figured it might be nice if for once—just once—they didn't have someone riding their asses about it.